so long 2022

I woke up a few minutes before 3am, I ate another gummy; now I'm awaiting it to "kick in" so I can feel the effects. Soon after eating it I had a thought, "I want to write, but I don't know what to say"' so here I am. As Roy Ayers plays in the background singing about the third eye I feel myself focusing on my own third eye or intuition. I am happy to say I've been better at "listening" to my intuition this year, however there have been some pivotal times when I did not. I am using those instances as "lessons learned". 

I began this expression a few days ago, not knowing what I wanted to share; and honestly I still don't. I feel as if I am one with myself these days, I know that may sound strange; but I feel whole. A feeling I haven't felt in quite sometime; honestly since the diagnosis of anxiety, depression and bipolar disorders. For years, I felt as if I would never feel like "myself" again; and although managing these disorders is a "full time job" I am beginning to see myself as I never have. I am feeling love and loved, first extended to myself and then to others; I also feel it reciprocated. 

I feel my intuition is nearly as strong as it was prior to the trauma which caused the initial anxiety attack back in 2012. I feel stable; with the proper medication, meditation, prayer and other natural remedies. After 10 years I feel as if I have the right concoction to keep me going in a good way. I will admit, I didn't think that was possible when I was first diagnosed due to the language the doctors spoke. Now I have a ton of ways to cope and reduce "triggers"; not that nothing triggers me anymore, I think I just handle them better and make sure I take the necessary "me time" when they are experienced. 

As I am sitting here, the thought to start the New Year reading Sacred Woman, by Queen Afua along with completing the corresponding journal crossed my mind. I believe it's the right time seeing how I purchased the set in 2016. I've tried to begin that journey yet for whatever reason I have not successfully completed it. I believe I feel with my new age approaching this may be the right time. Although I'll be out of town in the New Year; I can begin it on the 3rd day which doesn't take too much time away from a good start. Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel as if I have taken so much time to begin it because I felt it would challenge some of my thoughts and habits; the ones I was not ready to "give up". 

I believe I am now in a space where I can challenge those things about myself and take some necessary steps to living a more holistic lifestyle. I've dabbled in the pescatarian lifestyle some years ago, but fell off and I don't even remember what happened to change that. However, now I feel as if I can give up chicken, beef and turkey and stick to a pescatarian diet. I want to see results in my weight loss journey and I know certain things are hindering that. Maybe I'll transition to vegetarian or vegan in the years to come; I am. open to it.

As a milestone age approaches in a few years I feel like taking some steps to being the woman I envision myself to be, I see myself inching closer to her with each year that passes and I am so proud of myself for not regressing back to the person I was prior to accepting this journey I find myself on. I've always been "spiritual" in a sense, but it's been about 17 years since I really begun learning and growing into spirituality and 10 years since I experienced an "awakening" that changed my life.

I recall being in my room in my first apartment after moving out of my family home and as the music played and incense burned I felt as if I had fallen into a trance and once I "awakened" I was no longer the person I was prior to that experience. My language changed to more positive words and my behavior was more mindful (in my opinion). I began to see areas where I needed to grow or rather mature. I was such a brat in my younger days, realizing how many relationships were stifled because of it. 

I don't dwell on the space I was once in, now I look back and see growth. As I stated earlier in this expression, I feel love; which is a concept that I've taken from scripture which says "love is kind..." I believe I've put forth an effort to be kinder, more patient and loving. I don't recall which year I made that resolution, but I am happy I did and am now seeing the "fruit" of those seeds planted in my heart. 

I can see how those genuine changes have improved several relationships in my life. Some I never thought would be rekindled and others that I knew needed a little more effort on my part, I will say that as I grow I am noticing others around me growing as well. I've also learned which relationships had served their purpose and we no longer for the highest good of anyone involved. Releasing those energies weren't as difficult as I once thought them to be; especially the one which comes to mind. As I reflect on that relationship I say a little prayer that the person I am thinking of stays where they're at and does not choose to disrupt my peace. 

I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I realize I say that a lot; with all the writing I've done thus far titles are usually the trickiest as they do not come easy to me in summing up what I've spoken about. The music is playing from my show on Moon Goddess Radio and I am enjoying the vibes, there's no incense burning, but my cigarette smoke is making me wish I could smoke reefer in my apartment like I used to. The good thing is I have edibles and oil, which comes in handy when neighbors complain about smoke. 

Now I'm in a mood... for lovin'; it may be the songs that I've been playing or simply missing my lovers. I have yet to find a girlfriend, but I'm in no rush for that anymore. After a brief exchange with a woman from online, I've decided to allow that to take the backseat for now. I believe since I've put the energy into the Universe for such to find me I will see where things go in 2023. I believe that's the best approach to that aspect of my life since trying to "find" a girlfriend has seemed to be a bit problematic. 

Anyway... Since this is most likely my last expression of the year I'd like to say I pray you all have a safe and memorable New Year! Let's make 2023 a year of growth, abundance and whatever else comes to your mind/heart as you read that sentiment. 

Love,

Kamille 💗🌟

wrapping up 2022

As I scrolled social media, I stumbled upon a quote which reads: "what if you started loving yourself the way you want them to love you?" and I stopped in my tracks. As I pondered that question I realized I'd asked myself that some years ago; which is when I took a deep dive into self-care and self-love. During that time I felt as if I was giving "love" yet I did not feel it reciprocated. Soon after I read a quote by Rumi, which was," the love you seek is seeking you". I decided to go inward and find more of the love I had to share and began to share it with myself. I believe at that time was when I introduced the idea of "Kamille Appreciation Day", which is a day or a few where I spend time with myself; doing anything I want to do with myself during that time. 

It was during a "Kamille Appreciation Day" when I decided to return to college nearly 20 years after dropping out. I felt more confident in myself and my goals and thought I could "give it a try and see where it goes". I am excited to say I received an "A" in my English; Creative Non-Fiction course! I had so much fun and anxiety during this class as I awaited grades and was pushed outside of my comfort zone to accomplish the desired grade on each assignment. With that said, I am looking forward to the courses I've chosen for the Spring semester and I am hoping to keep up my 4.0 gpa. 

As we enter Capricorn season and the ending/beginning of a year, I feel as if I am in anticipation of what's to come with the New Year and my new age. I've surprised myself so much this year with stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing more into the woman I am becoming. I began asking myself "hard questions" and being totally honest in my answers, resulting in coming to terms with some unacknowledged thoughts and behaviors that are not for my highest good. Going back to college was a big deal for me because my previous experience wasn't exactly the best; with many obstacles causing me to focus on career instead. 

I feel as if I've challenged myself in ways I did not think would be as successful as it's been, I think the surprise came in because somewhere in my subconscious mind I believed I was not "smart enough" or "focused enough" or just "enough" to do well much less accomplish a 4.0 gpa on my first "try" back to school. However with determination and the proper support system, I was able to do just that! 

Today is my third day of partaking in an edible, I choose to buy a couple tins of gummies and just eating one when the mood strikes me. The other day I believe I ate two by mistake; nonetheless I felt Great! I'm sure that's what has inspired me to write after so much time has passed since my last expression before the brief check in recently. The music is playing and the incense is burning; I intend to use a lavender smudge soon to purify my home in preparation for the New Year. That's something I've never been inclined to do until this year.  

I hope you all have a Happy Holiday, or just a wonderful weekend if you choose not to celebrate the holiday's. I hope to share again soon yet as always, time will tell.

Kamille

a quick check in

“I can no other answer make, but, thanks, And thanks, and ever thanks.”

William Shakespeare

I had a tough couple of weeks; however I was surrounded by love and support which made things a bit "easier" to bare. I began writing something entirely different last week, but decided to delete and begin again. I am not sure what I want to share yet, nonetheless I allowed the above quote to remain. In these moments I realized how grateful and thankful I am to be alive. I am appreciative for God; my family and friends who surrounded me in prayers, well-wishes and those who actually came to spend time with me while I was recovering. 

When we go through things it seems cliche to say how our health, usually physical is something we are grateful for. I will say although I am still in pain, I am grateful for my physical, mental as well as emotional health. I'm sure you all are wondering, "what happened?"; well, I was recently involved in a car accident. I won't go into detail about it, but I survived it and that's what's important to me these days.  

My emotional support animal, Rocko, has been on his job as of late more than ever before. He makes me laugh and smile with his shenanigans, and also cuddles with me when it's nap time; which is more often then before...

I began this expression nearly two weeks ago, I haven't been inspired to say anything more than the above so I'll leave it as is; in a space of gratitude and thankfulness. As we enjoy the holiday season and New Year I pray that we take each moment as it is and appreciate all that we have. Not speaking about gifts and "things", but peace of mind, health, family, friends, etc.

Happy Holidays!