feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

earrings and eyebrows

For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bridges ablaze. Lately when given the option I've chosen violence rather than to hold my tongue and leave things unsaid; rather than keeping those thoughts to myself I am choosing to express them regardless of the outcome. 

When it comes to my self-esteem, I feel as if my identity was in relation to my career and when that resulted in the outcome we know it to be I began to feel as if my life didn't center around my intelligence so I focused on the physical. Taking pride in my physical attributes which make me who I thought I was. Then things began falling apart, first with weight gain then eczema and now the effects of chemotherapy (baldness). I realized that I rarely wear earrings and I haven't arched my eyebrows in many Moon's, making me wonder if I should begin emphasizing my eyebrows and wearing earrings. Well, I had to replace my go-to earrings and I thought to allow a friend to apply makeup and do an impromptu photoshoot [I'm exaggerating- more like a photo or two]. I even thought of posting it on social media, even if it's only Facebook where it's strictly family.  

One thing I believe I've learned recently is the concept of self-love not simply being about acceptance, care and compassion; it's also about establishing boundaries as well as enforcing those boundaries. Which can look like burning bridges. When I think of how I present myself to the world each day and I go sans makeup and hair pieces I am owning myself [flaws and all]. However this newfound display makes me seriously consider doing a little more at least on occasion. Learning each day to love a new aspect of myself, to be gentle and mindful of myself and my needs at any given moment. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with myself and on occasion you guys, I honestly believe those are my safest spaces. These days with the exception of a couple friends, I have felt alone; as if I do not know where my safe places are. As if should the tears decide to fall, I have no one to console me in that moment, that's a lonely feeling.  

on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed 2

Insomnia has arrived; I found myself searching for something to do in the wee hours of the morning since I am awake while the world is asleep. So I turn the music on and pulled out the laptop to see what words hit the page; I also was lead to read a post or two (2) from 2020 where I wrote about my Ice Princess well, Ice Queen ways. I wrote that nearly a year ago and although I see progress, I feel as if I may still be in that space; hmmm not completely though. In April I joined quite a few dating apps and met a couple cool people; with them I have been my authentic self however I am uncertain that I've gotten the same in return. I don't dwell there as everyone is on whatever stage of their particular journey; however I've since hidden my pages and decided not to meet anyone new. As I re-read Ice Queen I was reminded of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which says: "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." I think I may have been "looking" for the love I had in another and that is impossible; judging love from that scale is dangerous, I think, because you'll never see the person for who they are. Always who they "ought" to be in your mind, which is something they can never accomplish. I believe I've stopped doing that to an extent; I re-read a post on the other blog titled "My First Love...." which sheds a light on the love I often dream of. The love I shared with my friend, I will admit, I still miss him; I don't think too many days go by without thinking of him. I used to have a photo of him which I framed placed in my room, but since I've moved and have yet to fully unpack it's still in a box somewhere. To experience love like that at such a young age and never "finding" it again has left me frozen in a sense. It may seem as if I think about love a lot, but in my day to day life it rarely comes up; I think it is because my mind and my heart may focus on different topics, but when I write I tend or should I say I aspire to write from my heart; so love is what it is.

People often ask me what's up with my love for Pink Floyd; especially Dark Side of the Moon and I am reminded of my love. That was the last album we listened to; under the Moon and stars at times in silence. I loved that about him, our comfortable silences, where it's not forced or jammed with unnecessary rambling. I miss him still and he passed away maybe twenty plus (20+) years ago. A love like that doesn't leave you; it changes you, hopefully for the better, but in this case I am not so sure. Only because, as I've stated, I have yet to experience that level of love or intimacy since. I don't know in what ways I may need to heal, but I am sure there is something there that needs healing; I think I'll mention it in therapy next week and see what comes up. I won't act as if the memory of my friend is what woke me; it was the pain in my elbow and knee, I drive a lot so from time to time those areas let me know they need some attention and I make sure to allow myself the time and energy this body needs. I now have a pain in my back, in one of those hard to reach places, but I've learned a trick for that; place my Nordic Goddess, therapeutic body balm (infused with thc and cbd), in the inside of my arm (on the flip side of my elbow) and allow it to penetrate throughout my body, relieving pains in various places. My body now feels relaxed, but sleep is no where in sight, so I've decided to participate in what I've dubbed "Sacred Time" which is the hours between 4:00 am and 6:00 am; during this time I pray, meditate, listen to music, focus on my spirituality and at times, like now, write. 

I am unsure why Terrance has been on my mind lately, maybe because I ran across his photo in my phone last week or perhaps because I've been longing to be close to someone and he's not here to fill that void. When I speak of being close to someone I am not speaking of it in a sexual way (usually); moreso in a intimate, spiritual, soul altering type of way. I have a friend of nearly twenty (20) years who I can share my hopes, dreams, thoughts and fears with however our friendship is platonic so there's this space where intimacy is what I crave in addition to those things. I won't look for Terrance in others any longer, that does not serve my highest good or the highest good of all involved. However I don't know what to do with these feelings I have, yet I don't want it to seem as if they are "copy & paste" as if I am longing to transfer them from a lost love to someone new. That is definitely not the case! Yet I don't think I've ever been as pure and authentic as I was during those years, I know that girl is still inside of me and maybe that's who's really writing these things; the teenage, love filled girl who loved and lost. As I'm listening to my friend (KingLeoPicasso)'s early morning "wake and bake" radio station on Amp (app) the first song on the playlist is "Moments in Love", he doesn't know what I'm writing and I did not know what his mix consisted of yet here we are. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I was in a mood, I thought it was just a bipolar day; but when I thought of it I expressed that I was sad and lonely. I didn't know why I felt that way and when I began this expression I had no clue all of this would be exposed, yet again, here we are. 

Now he's playing a version of the song "Can't Hide Love" by Najee which makes me question, have I hidden love? Is that even possible? Maybe it's all an illusion I've been hiding behind and everyone can see it beaming from me like the folktale "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone sees it, expect me. I do believe that you attract what you are, so I am unsure why I have yet to attract the "love I seek". Perhaps, once I heal whatever lingering feelings I have I may begin to see areas where I have been blocking myself. The Rumi quote comes to mind, "Journey from the self to the Self and find the mine of gold. Leave behind what is sour and bitter and move toward the sweet.". Maybe that's what it is?, Maybe that's what's showing on the outside?; The bittersweet version of love I may be presenting to the world. I am ready to move toward the sweet, I think. As the Sun rises and the music plays I am engulfed in thought; I did not intend for this to be a long post however I honestly didn't have any intention for this expression at all, except to allow my fingers to cross the keys and create words that my heart wants to share. As my sacred time comes to it's end I've read another quote from Rumi which says: "Be silent, only the hand of GOD can remove the burdens of your heart." I believe this came up for a reason, I also intend to discover that reason as I am sure it will be beneficial to me in the long run. 

I made a cup of coffee infused with Berry Pie which has been added to my list of favorite strains of marijuana. I feel relaxed; happy even; glad to have shared and ready to publish in the very near future. In between thoughts to share I've curated my playlist for my radio show (Moon Goddess Radio) on Amp (app) scheduled for Saturday (tentatively), I'm excited more than anxious or nervous. I've even begun thinking of commentary between certain songs and then I'll freestyle and see what is said as it comes to me during the broadcast. Unfortunately a couple songs I wanted to incorporate aren't available on the app so I've been listening to them on my streaming service. I don't have anything planned for the day, except possibly spending time with a friend and smoking, but we'll see where the day takes us. The Sun is up and my coffee is nearly gone as well as this expression coming to a close; so I have to ask myself, "what do you want to do now?' that's something I ask myself often seeing how I have much "free time" on my hands. If it weren't so hot these days I'd take my puppy for a walk in the park; it's nearly 70 degrees and not even 7:00 am 😧. I am happy these words found the page and I allowed them to flourish, who knew this was hiding inside me all this time? As usual I have yet to think of a title; I thought about "moments in love", but somehow I don't think that fits. I'm awaiting inspiration to come though and pick a title for me; I don't know what will come, but I anticipate it nonetheless. 

Now that we've made it through "hump day" I pray the rest of the week is magical; especially the weekend! I will admit I am proud of myself for being so open about my thoughts and feelings in this expression, I feel like the "old" me, like on the other blog where I was so raw and uncensored. Last night I was able to spend a few moments with the Moon as I witnessed her change phases from Full to Waning Gibbous yet still brighter than ever and so breathtakingly beautiful. My current playlist in conjunction with the cannabis oil in my coffee has lifted my spirits and I believe today will be great! I feel as if I was able to shake whatever mood was with me for the past few days, the song by Labi Siffre comes to mind, I intend to dedicate it to myself on the show Saturday (tentatively); it's titled "I got the..."  the part where he says: 

Just a lonely soul

Slowly dyin'

I was smilin' hard

But I was lyin'

Then you sailed along

With your sweet dream

When you stole my heart

I was with it

I felt that in my being! I mean like, deep within my Soul. That's the thing about Self-Love and Self-Care; your Soul knows what you need before you need it and this morning I was awakened by the yearning to write and share this expression with you all. Thank you for entertaining my words and spending these few moments with me while you're reading. I've been told my energy exudes through the screen within my expressions, which was an overwhelming compliment to receive in my opinion and I don't take it lightly. My intention is to be felt through my words and to only speak what my heart and mind agrees with. The scripture comes to mind which says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."; Psalms 19:14. I chose years ago to allow that to be included in my morning meditation; although I don't remember it daily, I attempt to keep it close to my heart. "In a Sentimental Mood" by John Coltrane & Duke Ellington is playing now and that's exactly how I feel, sentimental. Another word for sentimental according to the thesaurus is dreamy and that describes my mood perfectly. Now six (6) Pink Floyd songs are in the queue; ending with "Any Colour You Like" which is a favorite on the Dark Side of the Moon album. I figure as the playlist comes to an end, so should this expression; therefore (😁, I don't know why I love that word so much); I'd like to take this time to say "Hello; Good Morning ☀️💗✨" and for those of you I know who are traveling I pray you have safe travels and arrive/ depart your destination with grace and mercy. So, after skimming through the blog I stumbled upon an expression titled "A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed" which seems to fit what I've written; consider this part two (2). 

Until next time.

two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

truthfully

For some reason I felt like typing, this rarely happens and since that's the case I don't know what I intend to share. I was a bit social earlier today so now I need a moment with the usual suspects: music, vanilla incense, marijuana and tonight, vodka (with cranberry and a splash of lemon). I feel good; mellow and a bit in my head, thanks to animal mints I've been smoking it exclusively for about a week or two now and I am enjoying the effects, which are said to be relaxation and happiness; that feels accurate. I am beginning to feel sleepy so I'm going to call it a night and continue at a later time.

I feel a bit irritated by a particular situation and I don't know how I'm going to resolve it. The idea of closure is so far fetched and the chances of being lied to are high, I've decided not to inquire; but I'm annoyed. I feel as if things were exaggerated with out reason. I don't like feeling this way and I don't quite see a way out of it just yet. I believe the retrogrades and Full Moon in Aquarius is playing a part in the way I feel and all I can do is allow it to be felt and released. I am otherwise happy, it's just this one thing I keep obsessing about and the more I try to push it out of my mind the more I think about it.

I feel disappointed, I suppose that speaks to the expectations I had then having the rug pulled from under me; so to speak. The thing about it is, I know it's for my highest good that things worked out how they did; it's just the way it played out was hurtful. I don't know what part of me still wants to connect or hold on to this energy; perhaps an unhealed wound that is seeking my attention. As I look deeper into my last statement, I believe I've "hit the nail on the head"; I feel as if my issues with abandonment have been triggered and I do not have the appropriate therapist to dissect such a heavy block for me. I know some of the aspects of this issue however I don't know what part of my adult self is blocking my inner child from releasing this burden. I think I may need to schedule a session with my tarot advisor to see what the cards say as he interprets them. I have not been able to tackle this topic on my own, so I feel as if someone else's input may be helpful.  I thought of changing the vibe with the music, but my higher self made me aware that I can't keep pushing this issues down and out of mind. I must face whatever it is that is stifling my growth in this area.

Growth is a funny thing; once you believe you have outgrown a situation or circumstance it appears to show you areas in need of healing. I think the above mentioned situation reminded me of a deep regret that I am coming to terms with. I said "I think" when the truth is, I know that's the case. I was reminiscing on how one relationship effected the outcome of a completely separate one, as one should have flourished the other should be as it is. Yet, I can't sit here and "would've, could've, should've" myself to a low vibrational feeling or thought process. I find it difficult at times to overcome from situations that "shake me to my core"; I know on some level I wasn't fully my authentic self, at times I found myself being a bit too fond of the attention. Feeding an insecurity I have that stems from abandonment issues, I knew when I was doing it, I just couldn't stop for some odd reason. I think writing this out has helped tremendously; especially after I was feeling earlier today. On another note, I'm excited about my painting adventure scheduled for tomorrow; I think I need the creative outlet to dissipate some of this energy I have.

I read a meme earlier today which asked, "red pill or blue pill?" where with the red pill you "restart your life at the age of 10 with all the knowledge you have now" and the blue pill you "jump to age 45 years old with $50 million in the bank." I chose the red pill, although the money in the bank would be lovely; I'd rather go back in time and right some "wrongs" as well as seize some missed opportunities. That may seem dumb to some people, but the idea of reliving this life the way I've imagined it in my dreams would be heaven sent, for me. I joke with myself saying that way I can guide my inner child to avoid the pitfalls I was blindsided by growing up. I feel as if I have a slight case of amnesia, because I don't fully remember my childhood; I recall bits and pieces, but nothing that stands out more than anything. I know part of the matter with the dilemma discussed earlier and my answer to the question in the meme is all about me "living in the past" and I need to stop and be in the now. I suddenly feel the presence of Chiron; the wounded healer and I'm guessing since it is in retrograde that's why all this stuff is coming up.

I allowed Pandora to set the vibe rather than fight against the songs being played and of course the Universe is using it to purge my true feelings and emotions. I stopped to complete a tarot spread regarding the Full Moon in Aquarius and to say some things I thought were the case have been confirmed. I've changed the station several times however the messages are still coming though for me, must be the frequency. I feel like smoking, this time back to one of my favorites; golden ticket which always does what I need it to do, which is add clarity and assist with keeping me focused. Healing is thought to be a beautiful experience, but it is actually very deep and at times dark; sorting though thoughts, feelings, emotions, trauma, etc. can drive a person crazy if not done in the proper channel. I used to believe I was damaged emotionally, when my first love died; I felt as if a part of me died too. It took many years and lots of healing to overcome those feelings and thoughts, it even cost me a relationship I felt could have gone the distance. I haven't been in love many times, the thought now is so foreign to me I almost forget what it was like. I have however been infatuated more than a few times. 

This writing session has been quite therapeutic, and for a second I got a little off track. I think instead of focusing on the hurtfulness of the situation I can take the lessons learned and develop wisdom and discernment to avoid such happenings in the future. As I await dinner I allow the music to wash over me, taking me to another realm; where I've healed from what was bothering me before. I figure if I can stay in this feeling I can move forward without allowing things to hinder me or keep me unaware of this blindspot with abandonment. Eventually I'll talk to someone other than friends and my tarot advisor, but for now that's my best avenue of support. I suppose I had to feel a type of way in order for these things to come out and be cleared...

tuning in

"She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the Moon, but it must be a strong. one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane."

Paulo Coelho

I am thankful to God for answering my prayers. Moving shows you a lot, about yourself, your strength, your tribe, etc. I feel as I enter a new chapter of this life I find myself ready to dig deeper into my being; I am at a point where I want to know myself fully. As the years passed and various health issues have caused some weight gain I believed that the attributes that made me "pretty" were buried underneath. I know I'm at a place to make improvements in my thinking because I am finally willing to admit it in an outlet I feel safest. I've been "dieting" for years, switching things up; taking things out yet the pounds have remained. I am grateful to say they haven't increased, but they haven't decreased significantly. Until recently slimming down by approximately twenty pounds; I feel as if this may be a milestone as in the past I played around gaining and losing the same five pounds. It all ties together because where I am now I feel as if I've never been in this position before. Years ago I tried a pescatarian diet, but now with my energy evolving I find myself dabbling in the plant based lifestyle. With everything I have going on I feel my inner beauty shining in ways I only dreamed of. It feels as if I am going to burst and allow my outside to reflect more of what's inside, the vibrant, radiant, glow of joy, peace and happiness. 

It began as I re-engaged in "scared time", I read scripture and listened to spiritual music; not necessarily "gospel". I allowed the presence of God to enter my dwelling and I could feel it, I felt comforted and loved. I think as I begin to incorporate all of these things simultaneously I will begin to see more of my desired results. By cooking which encourages me to eat healthier and exercise along with up keeping my spiritual practices, I know it's possible; mainly because that's what I did years ago to accomplish my desired goals. At that time my reasons for losing weight and toning up was solely inspired by vanity, I wonder sometimes why I was able to do it when my intentions weren't as pure as they are now; it was even "easy" then. I don't know if it's the affects of age or desire, but I feel as if this particular goal has been the biggest challenge of my adult life. I am working with my doctor to get my health on track and thankfully my mental health is where I want it to be; I feel nurtured and focused. After taking some time to reflect, I completed a tarot spread which was quite enlightening. The focus was about self: how you feel about yourself now, fears, goals, etc.. In my reading I pulled a few Pentacles, which from what I've read The suit of Pentacles is associated with the element Earth as well as the ego, self-esteem and self-image; most of what I began speaking of. The cards also spoke to my procrastination as well as my fear of being seen. Not seen in the sense of being physically seen by other people, but more so in my writing and sharing with other people; although that's the purpose of blogging. I feel a shyness, even in writing as if I am baring my soul at times and I don't want anyone to see it. I don't completely know how to break those habits which are possible sabotaging my higher self. On the other hand I feel as if things are aligning to pull me out of that. 

One of the cards literally says "Everything happens for a reason, so have faith that these changes are happening for your highest good". I suppose that's where patience comes in "trusting that this is where I need to be right now". As an Earth Sign, I tend to overthink things which then causes anxiety for me; which as a Capricorn (Sun Sign), I can be a bit pessimistic at times. Something that I've made a conscious effort to reform as I know that level of being does no serve me or my higher self. Which makes me wonder when or rather if it's possible to embody the concept of the higher self? or if that's something we're always striving for? At times I feel as if I am being my higher self then it fades, I'm studying to figure out how I can embody that part of myself and just be. One of the cards suggests that I am rebuilding from a loss and able to create what's to come as well as discard some old beliefs that no longer align with the person I am becoming. I find myself awake in the early morning and the main thing on my mind is self-awareness which in my opinion has to be accompanied with compassion and understanding. I feel as if over the years I've been rather hard on myself and I am noticing as I "lighten up" in regards to my expectations of myself I am beginning to see the results I've been obsessing over. 

Pink Floyd plays in the background as scents of vanilla and cannabis fills the room. I begin to feel my chakras, to the point I can sense which ones are balanced and which are not. I can feel the voids in my heart. I feel as if the energy of the approaching New Moon has "hit me like a slow bullet". Along with the anticipation of the Super Full Pink Moon at the end of the month. The vibration I feel throughout my body lets me know that I am sending light and positive energy to those chakras in need of balancing. Also reminding me that I need to pay more attention towards balancing them and keeping my aura and such in tune with my being. Meaning focusing on the whole self: Mind, Body and Soul; the thought that came to mind is how I compartmentalize in so many aspects of my life. It seemed to have spilled over into my spirituality, I've been so focused on connecting and in some areas repairing my relationship with God I tend to neglect myself in some ways. Since I deal with bipolar issues I pay a lot of attention to where I am mentally as well as emotionally. I've been doing well with my practices, concoctions and therapy sessions. I'm happy to be able to say that, especially with the past year I've had. Physically, I am doing better, reimplementing various lifestyle changes makes me believe I am on the right track. I think with time, effort and patience I will welcome myself, back to myself. I see it softly, but what I am talking about is the glow. Some days I can see it, however I am longing for the day that it just radiates at all times. Then my favorite song on the album comes on and I feel more in sync with my life. As I took a quick break to feed my social media addiction, the first photo I see on Instagram is my horoscope for the day which touches on nearly everything I've written about thus far. I also checked to see where the Moon was and lo and behold its in my Moon Sign of Aquarius. 

Which partially explain why I'm so in my feelings lately. I've been missing my Dad, but as crazy as it sounds I feel his presence at times; or I'll see him in a dream. The thing about grief is you never know when or how it'll hit you. I intend to schedule a session with my tarot reader later today and I am curious to see how much of what came up in my reading comes up in the session. It seems I am stressed, which was brought to my attention by eczema; I know some of the obvious reasons causing me stress, but it's whatever is underneath the surface that I need to be made aware of. I'm interested to learn what it may be so that I can repair whatever the cause is. I've been smoking for hours and my body feels relaxed, my mind clear and my soul is grateful. Yet I am in the mood to eat an edible I have in the freezer, we'll see where the morning takes us... For a moment I thought of going back to the beginning and editing some of the things I've shared, but I decided not to; I feel as if I've been raw with my thoughts and that's something I need to do more often. On the blogs as well as in real life, I have to overcome my shyness and live authentically. Another thing I'm working on: authenticity, I feel as if as the days go by I become more of my authentic self. Silencing my ego when necessary and living life as guided by my higher self. I close my eyes and see colors correlating to various chakras, letting me know energy is flowing through them. Anxiety has me up late, more like an eagerness for the day to begin. I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and continue to give time to self care, self love and whatever spiritual practices you participate in for your highest good.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

cleansing, ghosting and moving forward

I was reading through a draft and felt as if I'd read it before; I decided to close the entry and begin anew. Of course I am attempting to find reasons to put off sharing, but it seems the words are coming out as they see fit, even with my nails longer than usual and the typos and speed, or lack of can not frustrate me to the point of stopping. Prior to writing I completed a few tarot readings for myself, I felt as if things are on track for the path I find myself on; although I don't quite know the destination of the journey just yet. I seem to have this knowing that things are in alignment as I manifest my dreams and decipher my hopes. My tarot readings spoke a lot of mystic messages regarding the subconscious mind as well as change and balance, I feel as if that is just in time as I ease into the new year as well as adjust to my birth date. The New Moon speaks of new beginnings and cycles ending as well as growth. Which makes me think of the New Year, my new age and prayerfully new experiences. I've been feeling anxious lately, not enough to be concerned, but enough to be thankful for my temporary therapist and how I am able to discuss my feelings at the moment. While focusing on my health and fitness journey I'm  happy to say that I've shed a few pounds, which has encouraged me to continue on the current path I find myself on. With the New Moon approaching again it just feels right, the energy I find myself feeling or should I say the vibration I find myself in and frequency I am experiencing. I feel as if being grounded is the safest place for me right now, staying close to home and adjusting some expectations. One word that pops in my head has been realistic; as Mercury is retrograde and a plethora of planets are currently in the sign of Aquarius, it feels like a good a time as any to begin reflecting. 

I bought a journal, unlike any other I've purchased before; it happened to be a journal of writing prompts. As I skimmed the journal I realized I'd wasted my money; the prompts are not really "my cup of tea", but I did come across one that made me think a bit differently than when I began writing. The prompt says: "you're going in search of yourself. where do you start?", the first thought that comes to mind is meditation. Lately, I haven't quite felt like myself; I feel as if the stay at home order may have taken a toll on me that somewhat blindsided me. Unable to get drinks with a friend or dine out, go to concerts and other fun activities for an extended period of time will have you out of character, if you allow it too; especially with so much going on in the world and cosmos. After dealing with some health issues I am glad that I am in good spirits and can say that things are much better and I am much stronger and grateful after having the experience. I am somewhat in search of myself, in search of what I'd like to share with you all and what should go into this writing prompt journal. I feel inspired, which says a lot seeing how I am without a muse and have cut back on the usual cocktail that I call my writing process. I think I am at a space of releasing thoughts, habits and patterns which are no longer for my highest good. Mercury retrograde plus the phase of the Moon seems to support this train of thought. I feel lucky, and since I continue to see the number 7 or 777; I think that's safe to say.

From meditation to prayer and tarot, it may seem as if I have become obsessed with tarot; but I think it's more of a fascination. Especially as the cards are read and details a specific situation I find myself in or answering a question I've only asked in prayer. I don't feel as lost as I used to, where I was always searching for myself and looking in places that meant me no good. I believe I did that not too long ago, I found myself regressing into some old habits and allowing things that the person I am today knows better than doing so. So I have to ask myself why I allowed myself to behave that way and how can I recognize it soon to avoid some of the thoughts I've had the past month (or so). I am confortable in this current placement of the Sun, Moon and Stars; as if "everything is always working out for me" which has become a motto I repeat to myself often. When researching Angel Numbers one thing that stuck out to me more than anything was the suggestion of spending more time with God in meditation. I have my sacred time, which I will admit to sleeping though more times than I should; yet as cliché as it sounds I do believe that God knows our hearts and thoughts. Meaning God knows and understands our thoughts and intentions. Not making excuses, however I intend to improve my habits while creating new ones. When I began this post I thought I'd sum it all up in one night, however as this edible has finally kicked in I must call it a night and continue at a later time. 

I participated in a cleanse for Valentine's Day regarding love languages, healing as well as bringing in amazing friendships and relationships into our lives. Last night I had some odd dreams, involving a secret I've been keeping for an ex-friend that's been weighing heavily on me; I asked the mystic about having odd dreams and she said that it was "old baggage and emotional ties moving out!" As I sit here I am hoping that is the case because there is no way that I would reveal the secret even though she and I aren't friends any longer. In addition I dreamt of a friend that I ghosted for no apparent reason, so I reached out and it was received kindly which felt great. As far as other relationships, I felt myself detaching from something I was involved in that really wasn't a good situation for me. Even my tarot reader told me it would end badly; although I feel as if the person ghosted me I refuse to say anything so we both are in silence with me secretly wishing to never speak to this person again. My tarot reader said the person and I are much better as friends than we could be as lovers and I find it difficult to believe since a friend shouldn't ghost you. While typing that I feel like a hypocrite seeing how I just admitted to doing the same thing, however the difference between the two occurrences is with the friend I'm speaking of, we were never intimate so although there was a time when we didn't speak the emotions involved were hardly similar. With this cleanse I am believing in healing the rest of whatever it is that's been bothering me as I've stated in previous writings. I feel the pieces of my heart returning to me; I feel as if reaching out to the person who I felt broke my heart and getting an acceptable response was something I needed to add to my healing process.

I think with the one person I am over wanting closure and accept the opening to catching up at a later time. With the ghost, I feel as if I was understanding in the beginning, but as time passes I can not think of an acceptable excuse or "reason" for the disappearance; based on words spoken to me which were unwarranted. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that the words spoken were unnecessary. So the disappearance felt as if I was blindsided and the false hope giving burst a bubble or perhaps knocked them off the pedestal I may have put them on. I recently read a meme which said "we think we want sex. it's not always about sex. it's intimacy we want. To be touched, looked at, admired, smiled at, to laugh with someone; feel safe. Feel like someone's really got you. That's what we crave." and I could relate on a deeper level than I've felt in a long time, especially during a pandemic when the touch of another human is unavailable most of the time. I long for a hug like never before, something so simple yet due to the threat of illness which is believed possibly deadly we forsake being close to one another in hopes of "not spreading the virus". In the past I would've felt silly or stupid for sharing that with you all, but today I feel liberated. I feel as if some of you may be able to relate to that statement, well, those of you who are unattached like myself. I am hoping that the detachment does not result in that person reappearing when I am no longer available; which has happened in the past and I will admit to being vulnerable to said person and giving in after doing the work to overcome. 

I'm looking forward to Mercury going direct at the end of this week along with the Full Moon next week. I feel as if I am purging, letting go of things and people I've been holding onto out of security; feeling as if they connect me to my former life when the truth is, that person that I was is no longer. I've gone though so many phases of being since they were staples in my life and at one point I felt like I didn't know who I was without them in my daily life. Knowing people for so long can have that affect on you, I think. Nevertheless, I am ready to move forward and welcome new amazing friendships and relationships into my life, one's that won't claim to be with you only to leave you hanging for no apparent reason. As I reflect on my ghosting ways of the past I made a promise to myself that I would no longer engage in such behavior. If I find it necessary to cut ties with a person I will be woman enough to tell them beforehand. I don't think it's because it happened to me recently, I think it's just apart of aspects of Mercury Retrograde, growth and cleansing that's made me do some introspection and change some of my ways which weren't for my highest good. I feel lighter, freer, more alive even. I think this journey I find myself on was a long time coming and once I actually surrendered to it things got easier for lack of a better word. I wish everyone I mentioned well in their journeys; I'm just learning that not everyone is meant to stay forever and that's okay. Funny thing is at points of my life I thought I could never live without them then I found myself living without them. Which tells me I can do it again...

In The Meantime...

"your mind, this globe of awareness, is a starry universe. When you push off with your foot, a thousand new roads become clear".

Rumi

It took me quite some time to get an understanding of the above quote; however I find myself at a crossroads and I feel as if any decision I make will lead to a thousand new roads.  It wasn't until this moment that I feel the starry universe of my mind trying to figure out which road to take. I find myself stressed, the cause is slightly out of my sight so I don't know exactly what is behind these feelings. I've been praying and meditating, but I have yet to see the answer clearly; I haven't been in this space in a very long time, so I've contacted my doctor to request a referral for a new psychologist. I know I've mentioned going back to my former therapist some time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I knew I needed another "safe space" to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am looking forward to learning if I'll have the same therapist or if it'll be someone new, I'd prefer someone new since I can not go back to the therapist I'd choose for myself. 

Although it took a minute to realize it's a good thing to talk to someone who is 100% objective, I feel as if it's right on time. I think as we deal with life during a pandemic we should take the necessary steps in keeping our mental and emotional health a priority; not to mention our spiritual health as well. I hope you know that it is not taboo to seek assistance from someone other than friends and family; at times therapy can be a saving grace and allows a perspective you may not have reached by doing the same things as before. I think we owe it to ourselves to monitor ourselves and take whatever steps are appropriate at that time.

As I have four (4) drafts I'm currently writing I feel a bit overwhelmed, as if I should have posted a long time ago; but at the tagline suggests, I write when I'm in the mood to share. Even though I have been in the mood to share I have to make sure the words make sense and I don't feel as if I'm rambling. I feel the need for direction is popping up in my life in so many aspects and I am a bit confused on which direction to take. In the meantime, I've allowed myself to relax more as well as take some time to indulge in self-care; even if the way I'd like isn't possible at this time (due to covid). A spa day would be perfect on a day like today; to have a sugar scrub with a massage and a lovely shower afterwards, it's invigorating. Nevertheless, adjusting to the pandemic has been a challenge at times, but I'm managing. I hope you all are finding healthy ways to deal with life as we know it; stay safe.

Happy New Year! 🥳 

Kamille

Where Is The Moon?

"fall in love with taking care of yourself. fall in love with the path of deep healing. fall in love with the best version of yourself, but with patience, with compassion and respect for your own journey."

@spiritualmovement (instagram)

I find myself in a familiar space and although I know its a test of my growth I find myself anxious and a bit weary of how things may go. Add to that the astroid Chiron has returned to it's direct position in the cosmos; if I've learned anything about Chiron, it is known as the wounded healer and from my experience will take you to some triggering spaces in order to heal past trauma. With that you have eclipses and the great conjunction happening December 21, 2020. I have so many things on my mind at any given moment I sometimes forget to check in with myself and not regress into some form of autopilot. I've been doing good at managing my stress, staying in tuned with my own energy and I even came one step closer to contacting my therapist for a check in. I feel as if that is progress as I continue to navigate this new life I find myself living. Since the onset of mental health issues I've learned so much about myself yet I find myself learning more as the days pass. Some of the things that used to trigger me don't have the same effects, which I am happy about. It makes me feel as if I can see my growth and areas of maturity.

Lately, emotions have surfaced that at times I can not put my finger on exactly what the feelings are; but the above quote has helped me settle down a bit and not focus on the things out of my control while trusting GOD and the Universe to guide me through to along this specific passage of my journey. I think the quote by Susan Meissner which says “To love is not to be fragile; it is to be unlocked and open. And when something is open, other things can come in.” I believe by showing myself love I am then able to be open and available for my prayers as well as new things to come in, I think by not focusing on my problems and allowing the space for GOD to carve out a path for me has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. 

I feel a love for life that seems familiar yet has a newness that I cannot put into words. I began a few expressions over the past month, but for some reason; mainly distractions I have been unable to complete them. I feel as if I may revisit them in the near future and possibly expound on them or discard them altogether. I feel a freeing of my spirit in learning to not hold on to things so tightly, to detach in ways I never thought to before I focused so heavily on self care and self love. Finding the things which serve my highest good as opposed to easy fixes and shortcuts or self sabotage. I feel a multitude of things ranging from weary to excited, I suppose that's where bipolar comes in, thankfully I have the right cocktail to keep it at bay. I've been able to tap into a space of optimism that is keeping me grounded as the days turn to night and I haven't seen the Moon in days. I feel a tad bit uneasy having missed the Moon for so long, anxious awaiting the night (or day) when she appears again. 

With everything going on in the cosmos I feel like a ball of energy waiting to burst, I know some of it is excitement while other parts are anxiety and fear of the unknown or uncertainty. It's a tough spot to be in when you have no other option, but to trust GOD fully and truly; During this time of year I typically spend much of the day in prayer and fasting, some days better than others. I've taken up that practice some years ago and find the spiritual growth that comes along with it is unmatched compared to all of my other practices throughout the year. I also, do my best to observe a specified time of day to pray, meditate and be still; a time I've labeled sacred time. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping the day away finding my dreams more desirable than my reality; now I feel as if I have awakened and am becoming the person to make those dreams come true. I am becoming more committed to my fitness journey and willing to accept that the changes won't come overnight, but with consistency and determination. I'm also committed to a few other goals that although they are more long-term; I feel an urge to set some things into motion even if it's at a snails pace. I feel like this quote explains my feelings at the moment exactly; "We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."- Paulo Coelho

It's as if I am standing with one foot on my faith (the abyss) with the other foot on my fairytale (goals and dreams) awaiting the path to appear. I would be lying if I said it was not a scary place to be in, but the faith has to be as strong as the dreams or how would they manifest? I feel as if I am at a standstill awaiting a message for blessing from GOD in order to move forward into the next chapter of my life...