feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

earrings and eyebrows

For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bridges ablaze. Lately when given the option I've chosen violence rather than to hold my tongue and leave things unsaid; rather than keeping those thoughts to myself I am choosing to express them regardless of the outcome. 

When it comes to my self-esteem, I feel as if my identity was in relation to my career and when that resulted in the outcome we know it to be I began to feel as if my life didn't center around my intelligence so I focused on the physical. Taking pride in my physical attributes which make me who I thought I was. Then things began falling apart, first with weight gain then eczema and now the effects of chemotherapy (baldness). I realized that I rarely wear earrings and I haven't arched my eyebrows in many Moon's, making me wonder if I should begin emphasizing my eyebrows and wearing earrings. Well, I had to replace my go-to earrings and I thought to allow a friend to apply makeup and do an impromptu photoshoot [I'm exaggerating- more like a photo or two]. I even thought of posting it on social media, even if it's only Facebook where it's strictly family.  

One thing I believe I've learned recently is the concept of self-love not simply being about acceptance, care and compassion; it's also about establishing boundaries as well as enforcing those boundaries. Which can look like burning bridges. When I think of how I present myself to the world each day and I go sans makeup and hair pieces I am owning myself [flaws and all]. However this newfound display makes me seriously consider doing a little more at least on occasion. Learning each day to love a new aspect of myself, to be gentle and mindful of myself and my needs at any given moment. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with myself and on occasion you guys, I honestly believe those are my safest spaces. These days with the exception of a couple friends, I have felt alone; as if I do not know where my safe places are. As if should the tears decide to fall, I have no one to console me in that moment, that's a lonely feeling.  

on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨

current view

"you've made magic out of your wounds and that gives you every right to be cautious about who is allowed to experience you. the fruits of your healing are not for everyone to bite into"

@iambrillyant (instagram)

Lately I've been in a mood I can't quite describe; normally I would allow it to process and pass, but this mood is a bit different. I want it to stay; to transmute into creativity and show up on the blog. I felt the urge to write and I am not sure yet how the above quote factors into the words to come, but I am certain they will make sense by the end. I've written countless times of my heartbreak and recovering from such, now I want to write about love sometimes; not being in love, but love itself. I want to express the love I have in my heart for so many things aside for my love of the Moon and the beach. I find myself in a space where I simply love life; the circumstances aren't perfect, but I am feeling the happiness of what it means to be love. Usually I shy away from the topic because I censor what I've shared to an extent, now I am ready to stop holding back and just allow the words to take shape however they form. That's something I'm making a conscious effort to do with each post, not being afraid to share my heart with you. In the past I'd retract paragraphs and even revert posts back to a draft because of fear; I don't even know what I was afraid of, especially since most of you all don't know me outside of the blogs and social media accounts. Nonetheless, the desire to share came upon me and I conceded without hesitation. 

I used to be scared of love; the vulnerability it requires. I think the scars of loving the wrong people have healed and I am ready to find something new in the fruit I experience. Then I think, is that even possible to love the "wrong" people? Sometimes I think that the timing was wrong, not the person; but I don't dwell there. Dwelling in that space in my opinion only leads to nostalgic emotions which can be misleading as we tend to remember the good times and not the times of heartbreak or heartache. As Sade plays in the background reminding me that "love is stronger than pride" I am almost forced to allow my heart to take the role my mind usually plays in my writing. I feel unraveled, maybe it's because Spring is turning to Summer and my love for the Summer has taken over in some way. Smoke fills the air and my thoughts are scrambled, thinking of various things all at once; making me feel a sense of overwhelming emotions. That's been the thing lately, having feelings and emotions I do not know how to express. The desire to have a drink comes to mind, maybe the whiskey will help the words flow? I need to relax, I have so much tension in my body and I am unsure why. I feel it in my shoulders and the middle of my back; all the hard to reach places, but I'm wide awake. 

I still debate how vulnerable I want to be; I like to hide, in the background of things while vulnerability causes you to be seen or should I say, felt. That is something else I am growing into, allowing myself the space to be vulnerable. I used to view vulnerability as a weakness where others can use your sensitive parts to pull you apart for their own pleasure. Now I view it as a superpower, only the brave can be vulnerable because it puts you in a space of love. I spent/ spend a lot of time focused on self-care and self-love; at times it feels like a job because it requires so much time and attention, but the "rewards" are worth the effort. As I've reached a particular space in self-love I find myself not as cautious as I probably should be concerning who I allow experience it. So far I believe I've made good choices, but I suppose it's the "old" me that is fearful of being hurt again. I will admit, certain situations have made me nervous; wondering if I'm making the right decision and other times I feel myself taking the leap into the rabbit hole with no expectation of what's on the other side of it. I don't want to injure the wounds I've worked so diligently to heal, but I don't want to be afraid of life and all it has to offer. 

I'm reminded of a situation in 2019 where an ex-lover made a reappearance in my life and I was able to see my growth in a way that the experience left me with. There was this quote that comes to mind by Dream Hampton which reads: "don't leave my ocean for shallow waters then ask me about the Moon". I felt that deep in my being, it was as if the encounter was scripted; from previous experiences with them as if the plays in the book would be everlasting, but to our surprise my response wasn't quite the same. I realized the feelings of our exchange was confusing and everything I knew was against my better judgement, but I allowed it to play out just the same. After such an occurrence I feel as if I will not allow another to "bite into" the fruit of my progress in that way again. I believe that happened to show me where I was spiritually and where I desire to be; along with maturity and how I value myself. I feel as if I was made aware of a "blindspot" in myself that otherwise I would not have recognized. I feel as if I began 2020 with a new mindset regarding my heart and who I will allow to have access to it. The past two (2) years I've felt that strengthen and I am proud of myself for allowing it to happen without judgement or shame. 

I think at the time I did not embrace my singleness as I do now; I like dating and watching relationships unfold as they are without fear or overthinking. That's something I've never done; I've always had anxiety when dealing with certain situations, keeping me nervous or even intimidated at times. Scared to speak my truth or express myself fully and openly. I was told once or twice that I was "too much", the funny thing about that was the person(s) saying such didn't realize how much I was actually holding back. I'd think to myself, if this is too much how overwhelming it would be to show my self completely. I then allowed that to spill over into my creativity; at times losing the freedom to truly express myself as if no one was looking. I think I've found that space; where I can share without worry or concern of who's reading my words and possibly judging as opposed to reading my words and getting to know me in another aspect of who I am. It's interesting to me when people attempt to request my friendship on Facebook because I wonder how they want to know me. I don't use Facebook for that, it's strictly for family, but my instagram, twitter, tumblr and the blogs are the best way to know who I am and what I'm about in my opinion. As the Super Full Moon approaches I feel more connected to my chakras and learning which needs to be unblocked and which may be overstimulated. The Full Moon is also a time to align with kindness and forgiveness and the perfect time to let go of negativity in any form. 

I was lead to do a numerology reading and the result said: "You are being guided to move in a new direction, Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you." I think that aligns with the things I've been sharing lately, being inspired and ready for adventure while letting go of fear and worries. I then pulled a card from my Mystic Mondays deck and it was The Fool which reads: "How exciting! The fool is a card of pure spontaneous energy, filled with curiosity and enthusiasm for the next adventure. You're ready to step forward into a new journey where the sky's the limit! You have boundless potential where you can pour your exuberance into fresh creative endeavors. Living in the moment, you're learning to let go of expectations and to go with the flow! You are ready to venture into unknown territories and pioneer your free spirit self into this new phase of your life. With a carefree attitude, this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart, and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey..." I feel as if following my intuition I am being pulled to a part of my journey that is unfamiliar, I suppose that's how it has to be in order for growth to flourish. I then think of being "tested", yet now I believe that is a man made construct put into our psyche to control us and instill fear of "failure" when making life choices.  I choose not to accept that thought process any longer.

Being free to live life and enjoy the ride of it all even with the ups and downs is all apart of the journey we find ourselves on. Taking chances, risks even; which is one thing about me, I am not usually a risk taker. However playing it "safe" hasn't always gotten the results I've set out to experience so I am learning to abandon the notion. I don't know how love was awakened within me, but I am learning to embody the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am looking forward to the days ahead; because I feel as if I've gone through a portal of sorts, I feel as if I have been reborn and the lessons learned thus far have contributed to my growth and understanding of myself. I feel as if I understand myself in ways I've never thought possible. I now understand some of my behaviors better, especially after being diagnosed bipolar; so much makes sense now that didn't before. Learning more to lean on my intuition rather than my thoughts all of the time has given me a new outlook; I am less concerned with looking foolish rather I want to do what my soul needs. Even if that doesn't make sense to anyone else which reminds me of a post on the other blog which remained untitled as I re-read that post I was reminded of a few people recently suggesting that I write a book, I am beginning to feel inspired to do just that...

to be continued.

two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

truthfully

For some reason I felt like typing, this rarely happens and since that's the case I don't know what I intend to share. I was a bit social earlier today so now I need a moment with the usual suspects: music, vanilla incense, marijuana and tonight, vodka (with cranberry and a splash of lemon). I feel good; mellow and a bit in my head, thanks to animal mints I've been smoking it exclusively for about a week or two now and I am enjoying the effects, which are said to be relaxation and happiness; that feels accurate. I am beginning to feel sleepy so I'm going to call it a night and continue at a later time.

I feel a bit irritated by a particular situation and I don't know how I'm going to resolve it. The idea of closure is so far fetched and the chances of being lied to are high, I've decided not to inquire; but I'm annoyed. I feel as if things were exaggerated with out reason. I don't like feeling this way and I don't quite see a way out of it just yet. I believe the retrogrades and Full Moon in Aquarius is playing a part in the way I feel and all I can do is allow it to be felt and released. I am otherwise happy, it's just this one thing I keep obsessing about and the more I try to push it out of my mind the more I think about it.

I feel disappointed, I suppose that speaks to the expectations I had then having the rug pulled from under me; so to speak. The thing about it is, I know it's for my highest good that things worked out how they did; it's just the way it played out was hurtful. I don't know what part of me still wants to connect or hold on to this energy; perhaps an unhealed wound that is seeking my attention. As I look deeper into my last statement, I believe I've "hit the nail on the head"; I feel as if my issues with abandonment have been triggered and I do not have the appropriate therapist to dissect such a heavy block for me. I know some of the aspects of this issue however I don't know what part of my adult self is blocking my inner child from releasing this burden. I think I may need to schedule a session with my tarot advisor to see what the cards say as he interprets them. I have not been able to tackle this topic on my own, so I feel as if someone else's input may be helpful.  I thought of changing the vibe with the music, but my higher self made me aware that I can't keep pushing this issues down and out of mind. I must face whatever it is that is stifling my growth in this area.

Growth is a funny thing; once you believe you have outgrown a situation or circumstance it appears to show you areas in need of healing. I think the above mentioned situation reminded me of a deep regret that I am coming to terms with. I said "I think" when the truth is, I know that's the case. I was reminiscing on how one relationship effected the outcome of a completely separate one, as one should have flourished the other should be as it is. Yet, I can't sit here and "would've, could've, should've" myself to a low vibrational feeling or thought process. I find it difficult at times to overcome from situations that "shake me to my core"; I know on some level I wasn't fully my authentic self, at times I found myself being a bit too fond of the attention. Feeding an insecurity I have that stems from abandonment issues, I knew when I was doing it, I just couldn't stop for some odd reason. I think writing this out has helped tremendously; especially after I was feeling earlier today. On another note, I'm excited about my painting adventure scheduled for tomorrow; I think I need the creative outlet to dissipate some of this energy I have.

I read a meme earlier today which asked, "red pill or blue pill?" where with the red pill you "restart your life at the age of 10 with all the knowledge you have now" and the blue pill you "jump to age 45 years old with $50 million in the bank." I chose the red pill, although the money in the bank would be lovely; I'd rather go back in time and right some "wrongs" as well as seize some missed opportunities. That may seem dumb to some people, but the idea of reliving this life the way I've imagined it in my dreams would be heaven sent, for me. I joke with myself saying that way I can guide my inner child to avoid the pitfalls I was blindsided by growing up. I feel as if I have a slight case of amnesia, because I don't fully remember my childhood; I recall bits and pieces, but nothing that stands out more than anything. I know part of the matter with the dilemma discussed earlier and my answer to the question in the meme is all about me "living in the past" and I need to stop and be in the now. I suddenly feel the presence of Chiron; the wounded healer and I'm guessing since it is in retrograde that's why all this stuff is coming up.

I allowed Pandora to set the vibe rather than fight against the songs being played and of course the Universe is using it to purge my true feelings and emotions. I stopped to complete a tarot spread regarding the Full Moon in Aquarius and to say some things I thought were the case have been confirmed. I've changed the station several times however the messages are still coming though for me, must be the frequency. I feel like smoking, this time back to one of my favorites; golden ticket which always does what I need it to do, which is add clarity and assist with keeping me focused. Healing is thought to be a beautiful experience, but it is actually very deep and at times dark; sorting though thoughts, feelings, emotions, trauma, etc. can drive a person crazy if not done in the proper channel. I used to believe I was damaged emotionally, when my first love died; I felt as if a part of me died too. It took many years and lots of healing to overcome those feelings and thoughts, it even cost me a relationship I felt could have gone the distance. I haven't been in love many times, the thought now is so foreign to me I almost forget what it was like. I have however been infatuated more than a few times. 

This writing session has been quite therapeutic, and for a second I got a little off track. I think instead of focusing on the hurtfulness of the situation I can take the lessons learned and develop wisdom and discernment to avoid such happenings in the future. As I await dinner I allow the music to wash over me, taking me to another realm; where I've healed from what was bothering me before. I figure if I can stay in this feeling I can move forward without allowing things to hinder me or keep me unaware of this blindspot with abandonment. Eventually I'll talk to someone other than friends and my tarot advisor, but for now that's my best avenue of support. I suppose I had to feel a type of way in order for these things to come out and be cleared...

on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...

been so long

“Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking, loving, and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” ~ 

Elie Wiesel

I saw the Full Moon days ago, it was in the early morning when the day is still and there's hardly anyone out. I sat in silence and took in each breath; praying then meditating. With much on my mind I've neglected writing, again... that crossed my mind during meditation, the fact that I haven't been writing. I've  always preferred the night; I agree with the quote above regarding how it's better for thinking, loving and dreaming, I tend to write mostly in the night hours. I especially love when the Moon is full although I tend to begin writing and somehow the night gets away from me and before I know it a month has gone by; like recently. I've been keeping up with my health; mind, body, soul and spirit; which occupies a lot of my time, sometimes forgetting to write altogether. Something I know I need to be mindful of, however I am hoping the second half of the year will lead me to write more. 

I think I was depressed about a particular situation that did not go the way I intended it to, so I had to grieve the loss of what I thought "could have been". I didn't realize the amount of energy that takes, but I am glad to be out of the fog of it all. In the moment I feel a bit melancholy and I am unsure why; I think it could be the aforementioned situation or perhaps something altogether different which may come to mind at a later time. I think with the current retrogrades (Mercury, Pluto and Saturn) along with other aspects of the cosmos may be where these emotions stem from. Not to mention the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini, June 10, 2021; the energy is heavy for me and I am unsure why that is. The energy regarding Mercury is believed to be surrounded by communication, Pluto generates energy surrounding rebirth and renewal while Saturn refers to responsibility and maturity. At this time I feel as if I am beginning a rebirth as I mentioned in tuning in which ties in with responsibility to myself as well as how I communicate with myself and others.

I began a tarot spread titled "monthly check-in" and the second card represents the theme of the month; I then pulled "the star" card (upright) which represents: hope, faith, purpose, renewal and spirituality. many of the things I am sharing in this expression. If you follow the link, although the cards used differ from my own the message was well received concerning being my authentic self and finding my purpose. All things I've shared on the blogs over the years. The next card represents "a key goal to pursue", which lead me to pull "the queen of wands" (upright) representing courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly and determination. I feel as if this is a goal of mine because I tend to neglect the blogs when I feel some type of way or my confidence is a little weary due to over-thinking in regards to what to share and what to keep private. One thing the website mentions is embracing the shadow side of myself and not being afraid of what that looks like. When asked "an obstacle to overcome" I pulled "the eight of swords" (upright) which focuses on negative thoughts and such; one of many things I've made a conscious effort to subdue. One of the key parts for me when I read "as you change your thoughts, you change your reality". As stated that's something I've been putting a lot of effort, being mindful of my thoughts as well as my words. One thing I've noticed is along with not writing often, I don't talk a lot, which has been the case for a while. With the exception of smoking a strain with the side effect of talkativeness, I am often quiet. 

The next card is regarding a major accomplishment; to which I pulled "the Moon" (upright)... how appropriate, with mention of the Moon phase (approaching a New Moon) during Mercury retrograde sums up everything. Before starting the tarot spread I told myself to trust my intuition and surely the cards are confirming that I am. I think that's why I felt melancholy at the beginning of this post, I was wrapped up in various thoughts and emotions while the retrogrades and my own personal circumstances left me feeling some type of way. But thanks to Golden Ticket and a sativa hash named Strawberry & Cream my mood has improved tremendously. I feel guided, perhaps by my higher self, guardian angels, the Universe and God; it's as if the timing of the questions accompanied by the cards pulled thus far seem almost scripted. I had the music playing, but as I continued to read various sites along with writing, I decided on silence to assist with my focus. I feel as if my major accomplishment has been to trust my intuition more than I have in the past, by over-thinking and doubting myself. I feel more confident in my readings as I'm learning to let go of what I can't control; while realizing I don't actually control anything. 

When asked "what to embrace" I pulled "the chariot" (upright) which discusses control, willpower, success, action and determination. I feel that ties in as I am focusing more on certain aspects of my life and brainstorming ways to bring them in alignment with the path I find myself on. I must embrace my willpower and determination regarding these matters in order to be successful. I know that, but at times the doubt and negative thoughts began to talk me out of staying the course. However this time feels different, I continue to see success along my weight loss journey; where it's noticeable to others and not just myself. I am proud of that, especially since I've been at it for quite some time; finally seeing results. Then the spread asks "where to find support" which pulled "the wheel of fortune" (upright) interestingly enough it mentions guides and the support of the Universe; also mentioned above. The last card to pull focused on "advice and encouragement", I then pulled "the fool" (upright) which speaks of new beginnings, free spiritedness, innocence and spontaneity. The tarot deck I have is by Mystic Mondays and it literally says "... this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey." while the passage on the website states "you must step into the unknown, trusting that the Universe will catch you and escort you along the way."

After completing the tarot spread I asked my higher self to sum everything up for me and I then attracted "the strength" (upright); mentioning the chariot and speaking of determination. I feel as if I am in alignment with my higher self lately and this reading reaffirmed that for me. I'm in a good place overall; filling myself with gratitude and thankfulness, being appreciative for the many blessings in my life as opposed to fixating on troubles, worries, anxiety and the like... I haven't been to the beach in many Moons;   it's been ages since I walked to the shore and put my feet in the ocean, I believe I need to change that. I'm going to plan a beach day and pray my anxiety doesn't keep me in the car. I feel better than I did when I began this post. I feel as if a weight has been lifted which also lets me know the energy cleansing I've been doing is helping as well. As I navigate through this life, I feel more grounded; something that is not always easy to do as a Capricorn (Sun Sign). I also activated a zodiac cleanse in my Sun sign in order to cleanse any predisposed trauma and the energy I feel exiting my being has been quite heavy. I am grateful to my guides and my higher self for directing me to various readings, the intuition of completing a tarot reading and taking the time with myself to allow the words to come. I am thankful for this outlet in which I can share myself with you all in what I feel may be my safest space. I feel lighter, but with many thoughts rushing through my mind; thoughts of hope and faith. 

I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and making time for self-care and mental health breaks. It's also good to be social (within reason) as loneliness can be a terrible thing; especially for the social butterflies of the world. I am more of an introvert so for me not much has changed pre and post pandemic. I do miss my movie nights as I don't know how I feel about going to the theater just yet along with star gazing at Griffith Parks, public star parties which have not been scheduled for 2021. I do however need to find a hobby; something inexpensive yet satisfying, I haven't figured that out. One of many things flowing through my train of thought; this time with a hopefulness that things will work out to my highest good. I feel myself leaning towards painting which I've mentioned many times on the blog; I also want to get back into yoga and hiking. In addition to running and exercising it seems I have plenty to do to occupy my time and accomplish some goals in the process. I also need to figure out some new goals aside from physical and financial; I suppose I have emotional and spiritual goals, which presents itself in the form of energy clearing, prayer and meditation. The music is on again and the lyrics which caught my attention says "take me to the Moon, I want to be with the stars" which is exactly how I feel in this moment. 

That's something I've been working on as well, being present; in the moment. Respecting each breath, each thought, each word spoken. I guess that's why I've been quiet lately; speaking words I wish to appear in my reality for the good rather than complaints, gossip and such. I feel encouraged, as if the Universe is conspiring to bring forth miracles and blessings which I am looking forward to. I hope you all are staying positive and present in your life. One thing this pandemic has taught me has been to be present and enjoy what comes in this life. As cliché as it sounds we truly do not know what the day holds for us, things change at times in the blink of an eye so we must preserve the moments and be thankful. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

tuning in

"She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the Moon, but it must be a strong. one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane."

Paulo Coelho

I am thankful to God for answering my prayers. Moving shows you a lot, about yourself, your strength, your tribe, etc. I feel as I enter a new chapter of this life I find myself ready to dig deeper into my being; I am at a point where I want to know myself fully. As the years passed and various health issues have caused some weight gain I believed that the attributes that made me "pretty" were buried underneath. I know I'm at a place to make improvements in my thinking because I am finally willing to admit it in an outlet I feel safest. I've been "dieting" for years, switching things up; taking things out yet the pounds have remained. I am grateful to say they haven't increased, but they haven't decreased significantly. Until recently slimming down by approximately twenty pounds; I feel as if this may be a milestone as in the past I played around gaining and losing the same five pounds. It all ties together because where I am now I feel as if I've never been in this position before. Years ago I tried a pescatarian diet, but now with my energy evolving I find myself dabbling in the plant based lifestyle. With everything I have going on I feel my inner beauty shining in ways I only dreamed of. It feels as if I am going to burst and allow my outside to reflect more of what's inside, the vibrant, radiant, glow of joy, peace and happiness. 

It began as I re-engaged in "scared time", I read scripture and listened to spiritual music; not necessarily "gospel". I allowed the presence of God to enter my dwelling and I could feel it, I felt comforted and loved. I think as I begin to incorporate all of these things simultaneously I will begin to see more of my desired results. By cooking which encourages me to eat healthier and exercise along with up keeping my spiritual practices, I know it's possible; mainly because that's what I did years ago to accomplish my desired goals. At that time my reasons for losing weight and toning up was solely inspired by vanity, I wonder sometimes why I was able to do it when my intentions weren't as pure as they are now; it was even "easy" then. I don't know if it's the affects of age or desire, but I feel as if this particular goal has been the biggest challenge of my adult life. I am working with my doctor to get my health on track and thankfully my mental health is where I want it to be; I feel nurtured and focused. After taking some time to reflect, I completed a tarot spread which was quite enlightening. The focus was about self: how you feel about yourself now, fears, goals, etc.. In my reading I pulled a few Pentacles, which from what I've read The suit of Pentacles is associated with the element Earth as well as the ego, self-esteem and self-image; most of what I began speaking of. The cards also spoke to my procrastination as well as my fear of being seen. Not seen in the sense of being physically seen by other people, but more so in my writing and sharing with other people; although that's the purpose of blogging. I feel a shyness, even in writing as if I am baring my soul at times and I don't want anyone to see it. I don't completely know how to break those habits which are possible sabotaging my higher self. On the other hand I feel as if things are aligning to pull me out of that. 

One of the cards literally says "Everything happens for a reason, so have faith that these changes are happening for your highest good". I suppose that's where patience comes in "trusting that this is where I need to be right now". As an Earth Sign, I tend to overthink things which then causes anxiety for me; which as a Capricorn (Sun Sign), I can be a bit pessimistic at times. Something that I've made a conscious effort to reform as I know that level of being does no serve me or my higher self. Which makes me wonder when or rather if it's possible to embody the concept of the higher self? or if that's something we're always striving for? At times I feel as if I am being my higher self then it fades, I'm studying to figure out how I can embody that part of myself and just be. One of the cards suggests that I am rebuilding from a loss and able to create what's to come as well as discard some old beliefs that no longer align with the person I am becoming. I find myself awake in the early morning and the main thing on my mind is self-awareness which in my opinion has to be accompanied with compassion and understanding. I feel as if over the years I've been rather hard on myself and I am noticing as I "lighten up" in regards to my expectations of myself I am beginning to see the results I've been obsessing over. 

Pink Floyd plays in the background as scents of vanilla and cannabis fills the room. I begin to feel my chakras, to the point I can sense which ones are balanced and which are not. I can feel the voids in my heart. I feel as if the energy of the approaching New Moon has "hit me like a slow bullet". Along with the anticipation of the Super Full Pink Moon at the end of the month. The vibration I feel throughout my body lets me know that I am sending light and positive energy to those chakras in need of balancing. Also reminding me that I need to pay more attention towards balancing them and keeping my aura and such in tune with my being. Meaning focusing on the whole self: Mind, Body and Soul; the thought that came to mind is how I compartmentalize in so many aspects of my life. It seemed to have spilled over into my spirituality, I've been so focused on connecting and in some areas repairing my relationship with God I tend to neglect myself in some ways. Since I deal with bipolar issues I pay a lot of attention to where I am mentally as well as emotionally. I've been doing well with my practices, concoctions and therapy sessions. I'm happy to be able to say that, especially with the past year I've had. Physically, I am doing better, reimplementing various lifestyle changes makes me believe I am on the right track. I think with time, effort and patience I will welcome myself, back to myself. I see it softly, but what I am talking about is the glow. Some days I can see it, however I am longing for the day that it just radiates at all times. Then my favorite song on the album comes on and I feel more in sync with my life. As I took a quick break to feed my social media addiction, the first photo I see on Instagram is my horoscope for the day which touches on nearly everything I've written about thus far. I also checked to see where the Moon was and lo and behold its in my Moon Sign of Aquarius. 

Which partially explain why I'm so in my feelings lately. I've been missing my Dad, but as crazy as it sounds I feel his presence at times; or I'll see him in a dream. The thing about grief is you never know when or how it'll hit you. I intend to schedule a session with my tarot reader later today and I am curious to see how much of what came up in my reading comes up in the session. It seems I am stressed, which was brought to my attention by eczema; I know some of the obvious reasons causing me stress, but it's whatever is underneath the surface that I need to be made aware of. I'm interested to learn what it may be so that I can repair whatever the cause is. I've been smoking for hours and my body feels relaxed, my mind clear and my soul is grateful. Yet I am in the mood to eat an edible I have in the freezer, we'll see where the morning takes us... For a moment I thought of going back to the beginning and editing some of the things I've shared, but I decided not to; I feel as if I've been raw with my thoughts and that's something I need to do more often. On the blogs as well as in real life, I have to overcome my shyness and live authentically. Another thing I'm working on: authenticity, I feel as if as the days go by I become more of my authentic self. Silencing my ego when necessary and living life as guided by my higher self. I close my eyes and see colors correlating to various chakras, letting me know energy is flowing through them. Anxiety has me up late, more like an eagerness for the day to begin. I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and continue to give time to self care, self love and whatever spiritual practices you participate in for your highest good.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

outlets

As I've written in previous post I am thankful to have various outlets to express myself; especially when I am going through things I find less than desirable. I'm all out of golden ticket (insert sad face here)  and I don't know when I'll have more, so I found my faithful blue dream and I realize that my troubles can wait a day. I enjoyed my Sunday and marveled at the Full Moon, which was so big and bright; I nearly missed it thinking it was something else. I blame the drugs; like Katt Williams says in one of his stand-up comedy shows, weed has an ingredient called "fuck it", today as I allowed the smoke to clear my mind I find myself a bit better than I've been all week. I let out a deep breath and thought "fuck these problems"; worrying has only made me feel worse, so in order to get my desired outcome I much change my mood and vibrate at a higher frequency. I believe that will help, changing my mindset about the problem altogether; like Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "you can not solve problems with the same level of thinking that created them". I spent a week in sadness, anxiety and despair yet while in that energy I was still able to follow up on leads and put myself in a somewhat better position than I was last weekend. 

On March 3, 2021 it's believed that Mars will enter the constellation Gemini which will lead to an activation of the Throat Chakra encouraging us to speak our truths and share our stories. An area that has come up quite often as of late; speaking my truth, even when I feel it may rub others the wrong way. I tend to steer clear of confrontations and conflict altogether, but at times it's all too necessary and it seems the Cosmos supports us in sharing our thoughts with one another as long as they are authentic, honest and true. I realized once another chakra opened that things were going to be a lot different in terms of my communication. I tend to hold things in, which is not good for a person with mental health issues however with prayer, meditations, a tarot reader and a therapist; I feel equipped to handle what I'm facing with a bit of a knowing that everything is working out for me. March 13, 2021, is a New Moon in Pisces which calls for us to trust our inner voice (higher self) while on March 15, 2021, Mercury enters Pisces which urges us to get out of our heads and into our hearts. Leading up to the Full Moon in Libra on March 28, 2021 believed to be a time of healing and transcendence. And with all planets direct until late April there should be less distractions to steer us off of our particular paths. 

I saw a tarot spread on an instagram page and it focused on organizing and balance which I found interesting; I can see things aligning for me, pointing me in the right directions as I sort out my issues. I am thankful to God for the insight to see these signs and symbols leading me out of what feels like a betrayal. I believe it's like I wrote in my last post distractions, I am at the point where I know I have to put my complete trust in God to see me out of my current circumstances. I would love for me to get to a place where I feel safe to relax in my faith without it being tested. There are times when I feel others may test us because we say we want to live a particular way or say we believe in certain things; while other times I wonder if it's the Universe? In this moment I want the test to be over and find security, safety and peace; more importantly for me stability. The other day I expressed being tired and although I don't mean physically I am not sure completely what I meant; I just know things that I am tired of dealing with which seems to be a running joke with the Universe. I find myself in a familiar situation and I am unsure of the lesson I was meant to learn since it's here again. The other day I told myself that I want to go to an alternate Universe where there is no suffering, hate or other low energy dilemmas to battle. Where life is good and the people can live freely without the way this current society seems to be.   

I know, wishful thinking; but at times like this I must lean on the positive side of things as a Capricorn (Sun sign) we are prone to be pessimistic by nature. It took me many years to move past that trait, some days I regress, but for the most part I tend to be more optimistic. I've become a "glass half full" type of person and most times that feels good, yet from time to time I feel as if some people prey on those types. I won't go further down that train of thought, but I will say sometimes I believe karma will handle all the misdeeds some have done. Maybe not in this lifetime or even to that person, I think that's where some "generational curses" (see Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9) may come into play. For the past few years I have felt more in tune with my Moon sign which is Aquarius, I don't know how that has been expressed, but it feels so different from my Capricorn ways of thinking and being. I've learned to embrace the differences and allow myself to experience life as it comes. I hope you have found or will find your outlets and use your voice to take up space in your life. Thats one thing I'm working on in the present time, speaking my truth and listening to my inner voice for continued guidance.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨