feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

outlets

As I've written in previous post I am thankful to have various outlets to express myself; especially when I am going through things I find less than desirable. I'm all out of golden ticket (insert sad face here)  and I don't know when I'll have more, so I found my faithful blue dream and I realize that my troubles can wait a day. I enjoyed my Sunday and marveled at the Full Moon, which was so big and bright; I nearly missed it thinking it was something else. I blame the drugs; like Katt Williams says in one of his stand-up comedy shows, weed has an ingredient called "fuck it", today as I allowed the smoke to clear my mind I find myself a bit better than I've been all week. I let out a deep breath and thought "fuck these problems"; worrying has only made me feel worse, so in order to get my desired outcome I much change my mood and vibrate at a higher frequency. I believe that will help, changing my mindset about the problem altogether; like Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "you can not solve problems with the same level of thinking that created them". I spent a week in sadness, anxiety and despair yet while in that energy I was still able to follow up on leads and put myself in a somewhat better position than I was last weekend. 

On March 3, 2021 it's believed that Mars will enter the constellation Gemini which will lead to an activation of the Throat Chakra encouraging us to speak our truths and share our stories. An area that has come up quite often as of late; speaking my truth, even when I feel it may rub others the wrong way. I tend to steer clear of confrontations and conflict altogether, but at times it's all too necessary and it seems the Cosmos supports us in sharing our thoughts with one another as long as they are authentic, honest and true. I realized once another chakra opened that things were going to be a lot different in terms of my communication. I tend to hold things in, which is not good for a person with mental health issues however with prayer, meditations, a tarot reader and a therapist; I feel equipped to handle what I'm facing with a bit of a knowing that everything is working out for me. March 13, 2021, is a New Moon in Pisces which calls for us to trust our inner voice (higher self) while on March 15, 2021, Mercury enters Pisces which urges us to get out of our heads and into our hearts. Leading up to the Full Moon in Libra on March 28, 2021 believed to be a time of healing and transcendence. And with all planets direct until late April there should be less distractions to steer us off of our particular paths. 

I saw a tarot spread on an instagram page and it focused on organizing and balance which I found interesting; I can see things aligning for me, pointing me in the right directions as I sort out my issues. I am thankful to God for the insight to see these signs and symbols leading me out of what feels like a betrayal. I believe it's like I wrote in my last post distractions, I am at the point where I know I have to put my complete trust in God to see me out of my current circumstances. I would love for me to get to a place where I feel safe to relax in my faith without it being tested. There are times when I feel others may test us because we say we want to live a particular way or say we believe in certain things; while other times I wonder if it's the Universe? In this moment I want the test to be over and find security, safety and peace; more importantly for me stability. The other day I expressed being tired and although I don't mean physically I am not sure completely what I meant; I just know things that I am tired of dealing with which seems to be a running joke with the Universe. I find myself in a familiar situation and I am unsure of the lesson I was meant to learn since it's here again. The other day I told myself that I want to go to an alternate Universe where there is no suffering, hate or other low energy dilemmas to battle. Where life is good and the people can live freely without the way this current society seems to be.   

I know, wishful thinking; but at times like this I must lean on the positive side of things as a Capricorn (Sun sign) we are prone to be pessimistic by nature. It took me many years to move past that trait, some days I regress, but for the most part I tend to be more optimistic. I've become a "glass half full" type of person and most times that feels good, yet from time to time I feel as if some people prey on those types. I won't go further down that train of thought, but I will say sometimes I believe karma will handle all the misdeeds some have done. Maybe not in this lifetime or even to that person, I think that's where some "generational curses" (see Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9) may come into play. For the past few years I have felt more in tune with my Moon sign which is Aquarius, I don't know how that has been expressed, but it feels so different from my Capricorn ways of thinking and being. I've learned to embrace the differences and allow myself to experience life as it comes. I hope you have found or will find your outlets and use your voice to take up space in your life. Thats one thing I'm working on in the present time, speaking my truth and listening to my inner voice for continued guidance.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Sitting In Silence

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.

useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window) 

The Cost of Emotions

Lately, I've been writing about my thoughts; for a change I thought I'd write about my feelings. I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of connectedness,  I can only attempt to put it into words, but I'll try. As many of you may have read in previous expressions I've had feelings of happiness for quite some time, now it's morphing into a type of love I had yet to experience. I know it's a reflection of the level of self-care and self-love I've been pouring into myself which makes me want to give myself even more of my attention. Once I started focusing on myself more I've felt this sense of being in tune that allows my gifts and attributes to shine (imo). I used to think it was selfish to focus so much on myself, then I read a quote some time ago which (I'm paraphrasing) said something to the effect of "stop contacting them first and watch you'll never hear from them". So I eased up with checking on people who weren't necessarily checking on me; I then transmitted the energy it takes to be in so many people's lives, seeing how much smaller my circle became gave me ample time and space to carve out for myself. I started focusing on healing; my inner child wounds, ptsd, anxiety causing thoughts and feelings, you get the gist. I realized how those aspects of myself displayed in various habits, patterns and/or behaviors which are no longer serving me. I feel lighter, as if a weight has been lifted and filled with more smiles and laughter. I recently hung out with family members I hadn't seen in some time and it was refreshing. As the stars aligned I also reconnected with someone I thought I'd never see or speak with in this lifetime. Funny how that happens.

I find myself in a much better space than I've ever been in, a space of freedom and liberation. I feel as if I don't need to hold back as I once did, I realize how comfortable I'd become in my bubble of "shyness" or "aloofness". I see how it was just a game I was playing with myself to keep others at arm's length. Trouble was, I still ended up hurt or heartbroken or some other emotion I'd rather not experience. The price I paid for holding onto words and actions that I could've easily expressed and taken the experience for what would have been. Today, I realize the cost of those emotions were much more expensive than they needed to be had I done the work I knew I needed to do much sooner. I still struggle with the philosophy of "nothing happens by accident" or "you control your own destiny"; mainly because I believe some things are out of our reach, such as God and the Universe and how astronomy and astrology connects and effects our lives. I used to regret decisions I'd made or scenarios I allowed to play out without proper context, now I understand that I hadn't grown or developed into this person yet and those trials and tribulations were what brought me to this point and who knows- would I be here had it not been for learning from those experiences?

I do my best to say the words and do the things I desire, making sure I am my authentic self leaving no room for regrets. Something I wished I did when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties. What a difference that would have made. Now I believe, the cost of emotions is vulnerability; I used to write about how vulnerability scared me, as if I could not allow myself to dive into the depths of my own truth. I say the words now, even if I sound stupid or whatever. Like another quote says (paraphrased) "say it, even if your voice cracks", I take that to mean speak your truth, even if you are uncomfortable or your opinion is not the popular one. I'm learning to do that more, even on the blog where I try not to censor my words, but to allow them to flow freely as my fingers move from key to key. I've said it before and I truly believe writing is a form of art, the way the words align even when you don't know what the next sentence will be. Lately, I've had the desire to paint. I've painted three canvases (?) and I will say I surprised myself with the outcomes. I do that often, not knowing my abilities until the finished products. I've showed them to a hand full of people and all said nice things. I only share my art with people I know will give me objective criticism not those who'd say anything they think I'd want to hear. 

The blogs are different, I share what I feel comes out naturally and I don't pay too much attention to the number of views, whether it's one or thousands I appreciate you all for taking time out of your lives to entertain my thoughts. Although I think I don't write enough, especially on my other blog I feel a sense of togetherness as people still read those posts from at least two years ago. I suppose I want to take this time to say "thank you", it means more than you know to have people share, like, comment or give words of encouragement privately. I truly don't know where I'd be without this outlet along with therapy and journalling. I used to think being a "tough" girl was the answer to avoiding the unpleasant experiences life has to offer at times, but the truth is, if nothing else happens to shake things up a Saturn Return sure will. For me, it seemed as if my Saturn Return unveiled a lot of trauma I'd been avoiding dealing with, but once I sat with myself in meditation and prayer I saw the lessons and wisdom from many of those experiences; the good as well as the not so good. Looking back I guess I'm happy for the way things have gone because they lead to this moment in time, these opportunities to grasp, memories to make. 

I hope you're grabbing ahold of each opportunity that may be presenting itself in this time of pandemic, or as I like to say a time of reflection and introspection. In addition I hope you are healing the wounds life has allowed you to endure and you come out with a new perspective. I hope you are basking in happiness, self-care and self-love as we need it now more than ever before, I think. As I wrote that, I thought of my tribe and how I feel as if my circle is becoming just that. I thought of the encouragement and conversations about our plans or artistic expressions and how we push one another to be and do our best. I think of you all as an aspect of that tribe because although you may not know me in person you know my words, many of you following from the early days on the other blog or instagram and twitter. I'd like to think you have seen some growth, some barriers being broken, such as my fear of vulnerability and how I've slowly overcome that. I pray my words are inspiring or at the very least, thought provoking. I think I'm hoping to see the New Earth, where we are more harmonious, peaceful and community based as opposed to individualistic and at odds with ourselves and others. I like to think those of you who follow my posts are of a like mind. I think that's another price of emotions, empathy and perhaps compassion. Striving to be more compassionate and empathetic has helped me in ways I had not thought possible. 

I used to be a mean girl, tough exterior, but a very sensitive person on the inside, once I decided to allow that to show more the happier I became.  I realize the contradiction in how I presented myself to the world as opposed to "the world outside my window", I think that's why I have over two-hundred posts on that blog reverted to drafts. I keep saying I'll go through them and republish them, yet I have not taken the time to do so. Then again, what is time? lol. I allow myself the space to do so when the appropriate time presents itself, so far that time has not come. Out of two-hundred-seventy-two posts I've published forty-six (smh); I hope that sheds a light on the level of overwhelm I feel when even thinking about going through them all. Some I know I will not republish because they are far too personal and should have been in a journal rather than for public view. Others, I think it's the level of vulnerablitiy I was once too shy to allow that side of me to be expressed to the "world". I think I will republish them in increments, allowing my higher self to guide the way. With that being said, feel free to view some of the posts from previous years to see the journey from where it began.

Peace & Blessings to you all

Kamille 💗✨

A Life’s Lesson

“Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 

Do not indulge in works of the half talented

Do not live half a life 

and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent

When you speak, do so until you are finished

Do not silence yourself to say something

And do not speak to be silent”

~ Half A Life by Khali Gibran

As you may know I’ve been more active with the blog, until recently when I had an encounter with someone who suggested I’m “too open”; I took a few days to contemplate those words. Unbeknownst to them I have been dealing with my issue of holding back, which interestingly enough was also mentioned by the same person not so long ago; when I shared a few of my previous blog entries. I was confused and a bit discouraged to continue when I realized, that’s their perception which deep down has nothing to do with me; even more so because the person making these “observations” chooses not to read the expressions I publish. I then had to look at myself and ask, why would I continue to hide or hold back based on someone’s opinion?

I recall a time when I would have done just that, which makes me proud of my growth. At times I’ve cared too much about other people’s opinions and what their perception of me was; all while purposely being aloof and omitting parts of my personality. I know it doesn’t make sense, but when your Sun is in Capricorn and you’re bipolar some things slip through the cracks of sanity, at times; at least for me. The day I was “informed” of the displeasure in my openness I was happy, bubbly even and as I reflect on the statement made I noticed within days I was on the brink of depression, I decided to take time away from social media even if only for a few hours. A few days later during my Scared Time (4am- 6am, daily) where I pray, meditate and reflect on things that have occurred I realized that some people in my life are so accustomed to me being melancholy it may be far-fetched or odd to see me in a natural state of happiness or joy. 

I’ve been a bit more talkative also which is new for me, with the exception of the blogs and possibly social media I rarely express my thoughts and feelings. I may make statements or discuss things I’ve read, but not so much my opinion. I don’t know exactly when that began or even why I choose to present myself that way. I do know however when I chose to stop; as I’ve said in “Venus on Display: New Beginnings”, being that way no longer serves me. My higher self wants more out of life than to live it half way; holding back, living in a box someone else “created” for me. I desire a life that has been lived. As I write these words I now recall when I really decided to be withdrawn; it was after the initial anxiety attack. That event truly changed me, and not completely for the better. I can clearly see some things that has shaped the course of my life; which lead to unhappiness, or disappointment in the not so distant past. I’ve chosen to take those lessons and the words of the above quote to live a life without further regrets.

I’ve been holding back in terms of relationships after my second boyfriend broke my heart; circa 1997. I pinpointed how my behavior changed and formed habits I still find difficult to “break”, at times. I’m working on that (in my head, because single).  I don’t think I’ve shared that with many people, the regrets I have; which are many. I’m learning to detached from that feeling; true, there have been a few missed opportunities, but some of the things I used to regret would not have changed (for the better) had I been more expressive of my feelings. I recently had a conversation with someone where mention of the past encounters were briefly discussed and from what I heard; nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed the outcome. I could be wrong, but that was my take away.  I don’t know if that’s due to my outdated philosophy regarding vulnerability or the fact that due to my emotional unavailability I’d chosen lovers who in a way were also emotionally unavailable with me. I no longer think many of those situations would have been different based on my level of openness. I now see how I may have romanticized circumstances to make me believe that had I shared my authentic self an unattainable space would be the opposite. This only added to unhappiness, disappointment and regret. 

I am done with regret, I see things differently now; especially with the philosophy that “nothing happens by chance”; why continue to live in a state of  “if only” or “woulda, coulda, shoulda”? How does that serve anyone? I want to say the words that are in my heart yet I want to condition it in a way that seems appropriate for the conversation, which to me seems like an altered form of the same issue I am learning to overcome. Many people in my life have shared the sentiment that I “choose my words wisely”, which is true yet what they are unaware of is the things I hoped my silence would say for me; like the above quote mentions, “ Do not silence yourself to say something”. To be honest, I’m tired of living that way; tired of fearing vulnerability. I crave the freedom of my full expression, whatever that is. Last year I discovered my love and talent for painting; something I’ve only shared with few people. When I paint I don’t over-think or take in consideration what others will say or think IF I were to allow them to see my art. I’m working on that a bit with the blog. I typically write and re-read the words an unnecessary amount of times prior to publishing and announcing the post on social media. The amount of time between the two has dwindled dramatically and I will admit that I am proud to see the progress. I am proud of myself for being able to embody as well as embrace these changes. 

Since my birthday this year I have noticed these changes and interestingly enough I am amazed that it only took me 6 months to share, in the past I would be overwhelmed with thoughts of over sharing. I believe I have gotten better at letting go of what I was afraid to allow others to see in me. I feel as if it’s time my true self flourish, although it has only begun to manifest outwardly; I can feel the glow. The past several years with mental illness has forced me to grow spiritually in a way I feel as if my soul desperately needed. I have been in this space before and I was at my happiest.  I feel more balanced, more accepting of some of the regrets I was holding onto. I think feeling like I missed out on something became so familiar I had to question who I am without that baggage. I feel as if a weight has been lifted; the fact that I was able to recognize a pattern of behavior and quickly correct it is encouraging. 

I pray I continue examining myself and learning who I really am. I am glad for the experience of the last few days, knowing I am on the right path for my life is refreshing. Thank you for following my journey, I also pray that you continue to find success along the journey you may find yourself on. Although others may not understand I believe we must push forward and become who our creator intended us to be. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨ 

Venus on Display: New Beginnings

As of late I’ve been adjusting to various changes in my life; including my mental health treatment strategies. After discontinuing my meds for a while I decided it was time to lower my dosage while micro-dosing medical marijuana, which brings me to my recent concoction: Blackwater, Black Jack, Mimosa, Sherberry Pie and Sour Diesel all of which cause various effects that I’m growing accustomed to. Many of the strains mentioned produce happiness, euphoria and uplifting effects; which are wonderfully a part of my current state of mind. 

Over the years with mental illnesses I’ve learned a lot about marijuana and how it helps me balance my emotions and such. One thing I did not expect from this cocktail has been a major enhancement to my ability to focus as well as create. For about 5 years I smoked sativa later preferring hybrids, which to me is good for the various conditions I face. I suppose there are many ways to think of marijuana as well as the philosophy associated with why a person partakes. Mine is a bit on the spiritual side as I often meditate before, during and after. 

Another thing that has really kept me in tune with myself has been my love for astrology and astronomy; especially the Moon. While at the beach several times this week I realized I hadn’t seen the Moon in quite some time, I then remembered that the Moon has been void for some time now; soon entering her New Moon phase. Which I find a bit bittersweet because although she’s still active in her role in the Universe she’s out of sight. I refer to the Moon as “she” or “her” due to the belief that the Moon harnesses divine feminine energy. I feel in synch with the Moon, I have for a very long time (see Summer Moon’s) I can’t quite put into words how my being is anticipating the energy of the upcoming New Moon, not completely knowing what to expect, especially with various planets in retrograde. 

I feel an awakening of sorts approaching; or perhaps my knowledge of said awakening means it’s already on the horizon. Due to insomnia I hadn’t realized I’ve been massaging my third eye for days now; so of course something is bound to activate... I took a break from writing this post to recharge and allow inspiration to give me the words to finish, when I was reminded of the Lion’s Gate Portal occurring August 8, 2020. With ascension symptoms along with insomnia I am feeling the energy on a larger scale than usual. I feel as if I’m recognizing aspects of myself for what seems to be the first time, however its all too familiar; possibly from a past life. 

I’m excited for all this time has to offer as far as enlightenment, alignment and creativity. I am hopeful for the possibilities of so many good things to occur.  I hope we all get the codes and other information necessary for ascension. I feel my chakras opening, some have been blocked for a while. I also feel as if I’m learning differently; it’s as if many of life’s lessons finally make sense to me. I believe that has also lead to my state of happiness, letting go of the things which no longer serves me while envisioning my purpose here on Earth; something I truly wish to embody along my current journey. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

also:

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 2

Retrogrades, Natal Charts and My Being

“Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest.” 

Kate Spade

I feel as if I’ve had a rebirth of sorts, with Saturn Pluto Jupiter Neptune and Chiron in retrograde I’ve taken some time to revisit the meanings and effects of each. As I was reminded of some things I discovered why I’ve been feeling the way I have regarding matters of my heart, health and spirituality. I’ve also been studying my natal/ birth chart which seems to feel like the first time each time I read it. As I’ve learned the different aspects of myself I’ve learned to expect positive experiences when retrogrades occur. I wrote recently about not recalling the steps I took to lead me out of depression and into happiness and the above quote helped a lot. I started outward with candles and decorating then moved within to my thoughts and intentions. I devoted myself to the philosophy of self-love and self-care. 

I began to nurture my inner child and re-examine the voids or areas of neglect which created certain behavior and expectations. I can see my growth and it encourages me to continue along this journey back to my self. With my ruling planet in retrograde I’ve felt an intense energy to redefine boundaries, however with other aspects of my birth chart I can feel myself expanding and figuring out parts of me I couldn’t quite explain. For example: it’s my Venus in Pisces which “privately has a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood” according to its placement in my chart composed by Cafe Astrology.  Along with my Moon in Aquarius which to me explains my sometimes bratty behavior and wishy washy approach to things I find meaningless or boring. Knowing that about myself and my love for astronomy and astrology helps me keep myself in check; by staying in tune with the happenings of the Cosmos.

I then checked my “self-talk” to see what I’m thinking, what I’m saying to myself and how I choose to express that. I began truly surrounding myself with things, words and expressions of love. I suppose that may be what caused my heart to desire it as it has. Although I am still working on my fitness and body goals I have come to accept the current reality while envisioning the way I see myself, physically. Taking each moment “in the now” has helped tremendously. I realized while I was preoccupied with my mental, spiritual and financial health I’d neglected my physical health to an extent. Now that I’ve relocated I am able to walk at the beach, hike and enjoy other activities I was “deprived” of, in a sense. I feel as if I’m going to burst into the woman of my dreams and I am excited to do the “work” to make that happen. 

I guess my happiness is an extension of that: self-care, self-love and positive self-talk; at least that is what seemed to work for me. I hope you are finding the current state of the Cosmos enlightening and a time to review and possibly reimagine your desires. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

A Journey of the Heart

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"

- Iyanla Vanzant

I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.

In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).

I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."

Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.

With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.

Blessings 💗✨
Kamille

In Orbit

With nearly every planet in retrograde (Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years...

Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud", I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows", thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once were.

As I said, I don't know what happiness looks like to me anymore because the time when I was truly happy, everything has been "taken away"; not as if the things were the source of happiness, but in my mind the looks of things inside and out were as I'd envisioned them to be. I suppose you can say as I intended to manifest them, and the people in my life at the time who I cared deeply for either betrayed me or our relationship has morphed into something either nonexistent or drastically unfamiliar. I feel alone, lonely even, but on the outside looking in I should be happy, I should be so many things, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I even began a few of my favorite hobbies such as horse riding while discovering newfound skills and dare I say talents in the form of painting. Yet, outside of those occasions I feel a bit lost.

In an exercise in therapy I realized I've been engulfed in the emotion of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake it, not for the time within the past 7 years, but for times many Moon's ago when I believe I could've made different decisions in an attempt to manifest alternative outcomes. Then I think of "The Butterfly Effect" and how possibly if anything had changed in the course of this journey things may have turned out far worse than what actually occurred. Although I refuse to entertain the thoughts of "what if..." I can't seem to help going down the rabbit hole in my dreams, thinking of certain people who have passed on or revisiting monumental times in other relationships and wondering had I said the things I felt or truly meant at that time would the circumstances have changed for the better? Which only leaves me more puzzled once I awake.

With all that I have managed to remain in a space of thankfulness, gratitude and hope; hoping for better days ahead, possibly a new love for life and such. Until then I take each day as they come, some good, some not so good and others that are just blah so I choose to sleep them away. Maybe I need to truly ask myself, what does happiness look like now?

Not too long ago I attempted to reimagine the nostalgic moments as sentimental and allowing them to hold a special space in my heart as they always have, but without the yearning for them to be once again. The attempt was short-lived... I had to ask myself "how is your heart?" and in that moment I could not put it into words; I no longer feel as heartbroken as I once did, but I don't know what these feelings are, since I've never felt them before. It feels a bit of what I imagine possibility feeling like or even anticipation of what's to come.

I don't know what's next so enters anxiety; ever-present to remind me of how little control I actually have over my life yet understanding the philosophy that we all create our reality I am uncertain, mainly because I no longer have a vision for my future in the traditional sense of: married with a house full of children and the like. As a woman of a certain age I've decided instead to focus on my self, my son, my fur babies and my businesses. Some days I feel as if that's enough while other days I feel as if that would leave me quite dissatisfied. Damn bipolar, makes me wonder what is the truth?!?

Some days I feel as if certain relationships ran their course and due to mental illnesses I tried to hold them hostage as a way of maintaining a part of my self which was pre-disorders. On one hand I believe that was the case yet on the other hand I am haunted by the memories of when times were "good" while trying to patiently await more good times. I suppose time will tell.

Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye."

- unknown

It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are responsible for our wellness in all aspects of being, but something about my life now as opposed to how it was prior to these circumstances. At times I want to cry, however the thoughts following the feeling have no true meaning so the tears are blocked. Thats one thing I believe I've learned throughout many of my experiences in this life, which is to make sure to be thoughtful as well as do things with meaning. I have my reasons for this philosophy which I do not think I want to share at this time, but we'll see how the words comes together...

Some years are not as difficult as others, the most difficult part is I usually don't know how I'll feel about it until it is on the horizon; Mother's Day. I think this is the "holiday" I actually hate the most. As a child it was always a weird day, leading up to along with it's final hours, then Monday came and it was over; I've never loved Monday's, but the weekend of Mother's Day is the one time I've ever been happy for Monday to show up. Normally I keep these feelings to myself as not to shit on people who actually had a wonderful mother and all of the memories and heart-felt moments to show for it yet this year is different. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to accurately identify them all, however I do know that I do not wish to dive too deep into it all. I awoke this morning in a strange mood; I was happy, had a good night's rest and felt motivated to run some errands before the day got away from me. Then I remembered the weekend and the "holiday" and instantly I felt some type of way, a way that hits me sporadically and oftentimes leaves me in tears. Today was different, this time my heart was touched in a way that I can not describe and the tears are on standby hoping for a release. Everything else is numb and at times my heart grows cold. I am exhausted! I am exhausted of being my own mother. Not in a sense of "I've become my mother" but in the literal sense of taking the responsibility of myself as my mother was supposed to. I feel as if I have had to take on that role since I was five years old and I am exhausted.

But mother's can't get exhausted, and even when they do they can't stop anything when the children are in need; right? So I tell my inner child to hold on to the tears because I have to (as usual) be the mother that I need for myself in order to survive the (what seems to be) never-ending curveballs life feels the need to throw these days. I want to cry, but the tears won't fill the emptiness nor will they wash away the bullshit so what meaning will they have? What do you do with them? More importantly, who understands? I think that's the thing... I rarely think of my mother when I think of a mother, not to shit on her, more because when I think of my mother, I think of myself. Eventually I took all of the things said to me and formed my own philosophies based on known intellectuals, studying them almost as an obsession then tailoring them to fit the person I envision myself to become. At times I feel as if I've missed the mark and in other moments I am surprised; I won't go into detail, but it's odd to see your life and where you've come from along with where you are and how you got there. Even more so when you see a future that looks impossible yet somewhere or somehow you trust or maybe believe is a better term, that the person you see yourself as will come to fruition. I read a quote that said:

"my growth came when I realized that I do not have to experience life the way I have been told to."

- unknown

I don't recall how old I was when I realized this to be true even though I would not read the above quote for many years after experiencing the sentiment. The roadblocks, pitfalls and detours of this life are always on my mind. Not compulsively, but in steady rotation. On occasion I'll ask myself why certain situations are occurring and I can usually retrace events which lead to the origin of a calamity. Then I'll think if at that time there were some other options which could have prevented what followed. I find myself at a crossroads, the hospitalization last month truly put some things in perspective and brought up some things for me to look into. I woke up this morning and I wrote, but from my phone and when I pressed a button everything written vanished, I took that as a moment to reflect and see if the desire to write would return and what words would form. My heart feels empty, not because of lack, but in a sense of a faucet overflowing with nothing to catch the excess so rather than being fulfilled it's just a mess. That's how I feel; robbed. And I don't know where or how to process the hurt especially when the one responsible doesn't care that it exists. How do you heal despite the circumstances? 

Wake me when Monday comes...

Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn"; although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life". The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way"; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contributing to negative or low energy emotions. I will admit, after my most recent anxiety attack(s) I have become rather hypersensitive. This is something I struggle with on occasion after I have been triggered along with compounded anxiety provoking and/or depressing interaction(s). I think I've always been a sensitive person, which is something I may have never admitted before; I've always felt as if it were my best kept secret. I remember as a child I rarely got spankings, I was the type of kid that cried if they were yelled at. So I can count on one hand the times I was disciplined that way. For most of my life, I can not recall why, I built a wall around my heart and only a very few have managed to get passed it for a very long time.  I then found myself changing, I suppose growing; but at the time I did not think too deeply about it,  as I reflect on various experiences I can see now the emotions behind some choices or behaviors in my past. I recall a few times in my 20s saying to my future self certain things that I could no longer allow, accept or become and the reasons why those things were so important for me to understand.

Recently during spring cleaning and reorganizing I came across several journals dated as early as 1994 detailing my teenage shenanigans along with following years, as I sat reading about love, heartbreak, goals, dreams and random thoughts there were times where I was that girl again. In the past few weeks I will admit I have discovered a version of myself that I have either long forgotten or just met. It's odd, because I can't remember experiencing this cluster of feelings. Which for a Capricorn Sun with Aquarius Moon and Virgo Rising, this is an uncomfortable space to be in; an understatement. However, as I acknowledge areas of maturity along with spaces which need quite a bit of nurturing, love and light I recognize sadness and some regrets and I do not know what to do with them. I understand their origin and I still believe the reasoning behind those decisions, yet the emotions are what they are, which leaves particular feelings associated with the long term affects I suppose. I try not to dwell on those decisions even with the outcomes being what they are, I figure those are my scars from this life; my prayer is often that I'll remember these lessons, especially the painful ones in order to make my next life the best one (that I know of). Although as of late I've grown to love fantasizing about another life where I avoid the mistakes, poor decisions and sabotage experienced in this one; but somewhere in-between those thoughts I have to remind myself that this one is not over yet. I don't know how to explain these feelings and my thoughts regarding them are even more confusing. 

With so many planets in retrograde (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Pluto) it's no wonder I'm full of curiosity surrounding the concept of retrospection and renewing my mind, in a sense. It wasn't until today that I thought about some decisions and the rationalization behind them as well as how they may be shaping outcomes which no longer serve my higher self and I thought to revise or refine them in a way that coincides my current philosophies. I think back on previous expressions on the other blog The World Outside My Window and at times I wish I would have allowed it to be public as it was originally instead of deleting many of the posts written prior to the decision to allow others to view my words. I probably blogged approximately 2 years before what shows as the first post; I've done that a lot over the years, I remember I wrote something in junior high school and it was published in some school paper, one day I was upset about something and I tore it up and threw it in the trash. Days such as today it would be sentimental to have it with my other mementos, but I've parted with that reality long ago. I try not to do things like that anymore, but from the looks of the aftermath of my most recent anxiety attack I may have done just that. I haven't exactly accepted some of the damage done, primarily as it relates to meaningful items I can't find and the tears which refuse to fall; I want to find a way to express these emotions in a healthy and positive way because in all honesty, they scare me. Not in the sense of being terrified, but more. so anxious. Dealing with feelings and emotions may be one of my least favorite things to do, mainly because I rarely understand my feelings. At times I feel things and I don't recall if they are based on actual events or a fantasy of what would be ideal in my head. Which could explain why I've kept journals since childhood and why some of the things written were so detailed; some things even written in a tone to always remember as if to remind myself when I re-read the words to never forget those feelings and the meanings behind them. One of the things that helped once I returned home was to see and rediscover so many things that I cherish surrounding me.

I look back over the years, mainly the past 5; and how had someone told me then the things that I would endure and decisions I'd be forced to make I would not know where to begin in my disbelief. For example, I wrote "Words" in May 2013 yet the words can be posted tomorrow on this blog and still be as truthful as they were then. All The Things I Wont Say is still true, yet I have not learned how to stay encouraged while with others; before the last anxiety attack I had grown extremely isolated, I practiced anti stalking as often as logically possible. I see now the blindspot this behavior created and now I am striving to overcome the aftermath of it all. When it come to "Trust Issues vs. Intuition" I find myself stuck a bit on the same concept; trust issues can be a hard thing to shake especially when you are Aquarius Moon and are naturally skeptical of every thing. Then I realize as I attempt to think of a post title, "I don't know how I feel"... What does it even mean when you are full of feelings yet can't identify any of them? How do you move forward from there? I don't even understand why all of this is happening right now; I could blame Saturn Retrograde as it is the ruler of my Capricorn Sun or perhaps Jupiter and Mercury Retrogrades have something to do with it... I haven't researched enough about Pluto to point any fingers, all I know is the Cosmos in addition to my inner Universe is going through a bit of chaos and I am praying to come out on the other side unscathed...

May the odds be ever in our favor.