unpinned

 “you can not repeatedly disappoint somebody & expect their energy to still crave you.”

from Facebook; name withheld for privacy

I had an experience the other day which made me mad; if you know me in real life, you'd know that I may get upset briefly, but I rarely get mad. I actually went to bed mad, which is even more unusual. I was hurt and disappointed by someone's actions; or should I say inaction. I'd gotten to the point where I was fed up so I sent a text and put my phone on "do not disturb", however I have yet (as of writing these words) to receive a response. I feel as if that person is "waiting me out" so to speak, maybe trying to allow my anger to pass before engaging; not knowing that is only making things worse. I think in this day and age, more and more, people take kindness and patience for granted. Everyone's so quick to "ghost" people that when someone actually gives second and at times third or forth chances they are seen as a doormat or something. I don't know, I can't speak for those types of people. I just know as the quote above says, you can not continue to disappoint someone and expect them to still want you. No matter what feelings or emotions were attached; doing such things will only sever whatever relationship you (speaking in general) were attempting to build. I made a promise to myself after being "ghosted" that I would no longer participate in such childish behavior (in my opinion) and I intend to stick to it. However I did begin to put together a playlist for my radio show then decided I did not want to give it that much energy yet after speaking with a friend who said it was necessary, I said I would sleep on it.

I am a strong believer in the saying "if they wanted to, they would have" that's something that I've shared with the above mentioned person on occasion and was gaslit into thinking there was someone wrong with that perception; however I truly believe "people make time for what they want to" and if a person isn't making time for you it's because they simply don't want to. Realizing or recognizing that may be hurtful initially however it gives you clarity. It allows you to see what may be a priority to them and if you are not one of those priorities you should act or adjust yourself accordingly. Seeing how I typically have much time on my hands I am a bit more understanding than I probably should be concerning others time management skills or lack thereof, however I to have my limits. I think I will do a playlist and broadcast a show surrounding how I feel as a therapeutic outlet for these feelings. Although this was not a relationship  in a sense it was; so I feel as if this may be a break-up of sorts. It's true, I'm single; however when you spend each day communicating with someone over a period of time you or should I say "I" tend to form attachments and feel strongly when my needs aren't being met. Since we were merely "talking" I feel as if I shouldn't give it too much of my energy, however I must transmute it in order to move on. I feel as if I am doing that with this expression as well as the fact that I made the playlist. I think it came out good so I intend to broadcast on Moon Goddess Radio this Thursday; at 8 o'clock pm (pst). 

In other news...

I had a beautiful weekend, that is until the above occurred. Well, let me back up a bit; I had fun doing my radio show on Saturday then Sunday came. I was reminded that it was Father's Day and I felt a way about not being able to "celebrate" my Dad, which made me sad. I found other things to do to help improve my mood and I thought, "my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad." which helped a lot! I could hear his laugh and found myself smiling. Monday I had a great day at the beach; I usually go to Manhattan Beach, but since my friend and I were with his friend from out of town we went to Venice. I don't remember the last time I was there; we walked the boardwalk, grabbed lunch and sat on the beach near the shore listening to music and watching the Sun set. My type of day! Tuesday was another story because of "the mean reds" which took a lot of time, effort and energy to overcome. That is until I listened to my friend's radio show on Amp (app); where he expressed a roller coaster of emotions through music and it was quite therapeutic. Inspring me to do the same with the energy I found myself in. Now I'm back on my cloud and I'm feeling good; a good drive with a great playlist will do that for me every time. I believe I've given enough time and energy to that situation and I am ready to move forward knowing that I did my best.

I hope you all are having a great week thus far and if given the opportunity check out @kingleopicasso's 5am (pst) wake and bake or 5pm (pst) traffic jam sets followed by my show on the same app (Amp) scheduled for 8pm (pst). I hope you join us; in the meantime "thank you" for showing so much love to my other blog it's truly appreciated. I still find it fascinating that so many of you have stuck with me through the years and are witnessing me grow; especially those of you who have been here from the beginning. I am truly grateful that you find my words helpful in some way. It's officially Summer! I don't know how I intend to spend my Summer, but I am looking forward to the "turn up" I plan to attend for Independence Day. I do plan to continue sharing more as I've done this month; I feel as if I'm finding my flow and each expression has been coming together almost effortlessly. So let's make the best of the next few days until we can enjoy another weekend with all the joy that brings.

on my cloud

"be who you need"

unknown

I often joke saying "I need a Me in my life"; when I began saying that years ago I wasn't fully sure what I meant. As time went on and I experienced a particular level of aloneness I felt as if I didn't have a person in my life who checks on me the way I check in with others. After reading a meme recently, which said, "I wanna meet myself from another person's point of view and experience my own energy." I understand my joke a little more now than when I originally thought it, during that time is when I first learned about the concept of self-care and self-love and I began to drench myself in those things before they became "buzz words". I learned to listen to my thoughts as they may become my feelings and/or emotions; to listen to my heart as it knows what I need at any given moment and to listen to my Soul as it guides me through the unknown. By doing so I can observe my behaviors and manage myself in a way that is acceptable to me; although I am not perfect, I do attempt to be my authentic self; the good, bad and the flawed. The bad and acknowledging my flaws are teachable moments for me, looking at myself and knowing what is no longer serving me has been something that I've learned to do within the past hmmm twelve (12) years maybe. I read another quote which says "be who you needed when you were younger", author unknown; and although I am not a huge part of the lives of many young people I do try to impart the wisdom from my "hard knocks" to them in hopes that they may avoid certain pitfalls I was not savvy enough to escape. I wrote on Trust Issues vs.Intuition about how encouraging and motivating I am towards others yet did not extend that same level of care to myself, that was in late 2012; nearly ten (10) years ago. As I look back I can see a huge difference in how I treated myself then. as opposed to how I am with myself now. 

As I re-read old posts on the other blog this morning I was drawn to an expression I wrote in 2014 titled, Today's Color Therapy where I wrote about having "the blues" I did not expound on why they were there and I do not remember, however I did touch on a technique I'd learned in therapy which still helps today; color therapy. The past few days were some that "Holly Golightly" (see the film, "Breakfast at Tiffany's") would call "the mean reds" and I am not completely sure why; I thought I was just having a Mercury Retrograde day then realized Mercury had gone direct some time ago. I then thought perhaps it was one of those Junkie Days where I expressed my feeling towards being put on "drugs" to cope with my life. At the time I only took medications for anxiety and depression; now the conditions along with the medications have increased in number and I feel a way about that. At times skipping my daily dosage and focusing more on holistic remedies. I don't do that often as I know the consequences of it yet I still feel a way about "needing" drugs to deal with my life since the onset of these conditions. Early on one of the doctors I saw informed me that once you deal with an anxiety attack that forms into a disorder you will deal with it indefinitely. Even the memory of that conversation brings the feelings back as if it were yesterday and I am cautious not to allow it to spiral out of my control. I've been hospitalized quite a few times due to episodes of mental illness and the experiences left me with no desire to be in that position again.  So I take my "drugs" and allow them to maintain my particular level of sanity. Writing has always been therapeutic; however discovering my love for painting and now broadcasting has given me the feelings of optimism, cheerfulness and encouragement. Moods I needed to help pull me out of my funk; along with sets from my friend KingLeoPicasso's (follow him on Amp's app as well as social media) radio station a few times this week. 

Today I am in a space where I am thankful for the support I have and the encouragement to continue expressing my gifts (or is it talent?) with the world, outside my window. As I read an expression from 2013, Morning Coffee I feel inspired; I even intend to take a walk with my puppy (Rocko) even if it's just to the store a few blocks away. I've finished my coffee and find myself debating if I want another cup; I do, so I remember to microdose the Berry Pie cannabis oil due to the fact I already had some with my first cup. Followed by my "wake and bake" with Animal Mints flower; needless to say, I'm feeling good, just the vibe I want to continue as I prepare for my broadcast this evening on Moon Goddess Radio on Amp (app). I decided to roll a blunt, something I haven't done in a long while as I switched to smoking joints for some odd reason. The coffee is brewing and the blunt is rolled so I sit awaiting the next words that will find themselves on the page...

I remember deleting a ton of posts prior to making my other blog public in 2012; the first I shared publicly was "How Did I Get Here?".  I now regret deleting them; I began blogging in approximately 2006, I think. So imagine how many posts I really had versus the two hundred-seventy one (271) on there and sixty plus (60+) on here currently. I allow that thought to pass as I feel it bringing me to a lower vibration than I was moments before it came. I will admit, one thing I've observed from writing and going back to read previous expressions I find them to be quite uplifting to me. Not all of them, but the ones where I was able to tap into the feelings in which I wrote the words and remember my intentions at the time... 

I feel as if I began this post one way and it took a turn into something altogether different, it almost feels all over the place, but in my current condition I like it. I don't intend to censor this expression as this is the way it came to me. I am reminded of when I realized how I had grown so deeply in love with myself; not in a narcissistic way but the way in which I wrote about on "Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon". From my experience it was once I became the Me I needed consistently I am beginning to see and attract those same attributes from others. I am happy to say that I have those in my life now who check on me, take the time and energy to listen, share interests as well as encourage me to continue along this journey I find myself on. At times surprising me because it is so vastly different from how my life used to be; I don't see the need to follow that train of thought so I switch my focus to the song currently playing, "Pass The Dutchie" by Musical Youth. I find my fascination with marijuana humorous at times; I think I love weed in the same way as the Moon and the beach. Which reminds me to make arrangements to visit the beach this week at least once while it's nearby, I'd love to do Wednesday's broadcast from there if it makes sense at the time. As I am beginning to share more I think it's profound how the previous expressions come to mind as I am writing and tie into the things I am conveying at the time. At times allowing me to anticipate my next expression to see where it takes me as I am reminded of the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. 

This year, specifically this month I decided to introduce my writing on the blogs and other social media to my family and some friends who had not known that part of me. I was nervous because it's one thing to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions with you all; seeing how the majority of you do not know me personally. After doing so it seems as if I've released the fear of being seen or known by those closest to me. It's as if I am finally able to channel my core self into my writing and I feel free to be myself and allow myself to be completely transparent; doing things like sharing consistently and broadcasting a radio show. I've shared that with a few people and they were surprised just as I was; however very supportive and encouraging; just like with the blogs. So I'd like to take a moment and say "Thank you, to my family and friends for your support; it means the world to me!" Now with a few hours left before I go live on Amp (app) I am feeling great regarding the fact that I've been able to compose an expression in one sitting as I mentioned in no drafts as opposed to taking days, weeks or at times months to complete them. Who would have thought the person I needed is the person I am becoming more and more with each day; experience, decision and accomplishment... 

I pray you all have a wonderful weekend celebrating Father's Day as well as Juneteenth; as always remember to celebrate responsibly. I intend to spend mine on my cloud; I hope you join me.

Kamille 💗✨

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed 2

Insomnia has arrived; I found myself searching for something to do in the wee hours of the morning since I am awake while the world is asleep. So I turn the music on and pulled out the laptop to see what words hit the page; I also was lead to read a post or two (2) from 2020 where I wrote about my Ice Princess well, Ice Queen ways. I wrote that nearly a year ago and although I see progress, I feel as if I may still be in that space; hmmm not completely though. In April I joined quite a few dating apps and met a couple cool people; with them I have been my authentic self however I am uncertain that I've gotten the same in return. I don't dwell there as everyone is on whatever stage of their particular journey; however I've since hidden my pages and decided not to meet anyone new. As I re-read Ice Queen I was reminded of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which says: "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." I think I may have been "looking" for the love I had in another and that is impossible; judging love from that scale is dangerous, I think, because you'll never see the person for who they are. Always who they "ought" to be in your mind, which is something they can never accomplish. I believe I've stopped doing that to an extent; I re-read a post on the other blog titled "My First Love...." which sheds a light on the love I often dream of. The love I shared with my friend, I will admit, I still miss him; I don't think too many days go by without thinking of him. I used to have a photo of him which I framed placed in my room, but since I've moved and have yet to fully unpack it's still in a box somewhere. To experience love like that at such a young age and never "finding" it again has left me frozen in a sense. It may seem as if I think about love a lot, but in my day to day life it rarely comes up; I think it is because my mind and my heart may focus on different topics, but when I write I tend or should I say I aspire to write from my heart; so love is what it is.

People often ask me what's up with my love for Pink Floyd; especially Dark Side of the Moon and I am reminded of my love. That was the last album we listened to; under the Moon and stars at times in silence. I loved that about him, our comfortable silences, where it's not forced or jammed with unnecessary rambling. I miss him still and he passed away maybe twenty plus (20+) years ago. A love like that doesn't leave you; it changes you, hopefully for the better, but in this case I am not so sure. Only because, as I've stated, I have yet to experience that level of love or intimacy since. I don't know in what ways I may need to heal, but I am sure there is something there that needs healing; I think I'll mention it in therapy next week and see what comes up. I won't act as if the memory of my friend is what woke me; it was the pain in my elbow and knee, I drive a lot so from time to time those areas let me know they need some attention and I make sure to allow myself the time and energy this body needs. I now have a pain in my back, in one of those hard to reach places, but I've learned a trick for that; place my Nordic Goddess, therapeutic body balm (infused with thc and cbd), in the inside of my arm (on the flip side of my elbow) and allow it to penetrate throughout my body, relieving pains in various places. My body now feels relaxed, but sleep is no where in sight, so I've decided to participate in what I've dubbed "Sacred Time" which is the hours between 4:00 am and 6:00 am; during this time I pray, meditate, listen to music, focus on my spirituality and at times, like now, write. 

I am unsure why Terrance has been on my mind lately, maybe because I ran across his photo in my phone last week or perhaps because I've been longing to be close to someone and he's not here to fill that void. When I speak of being close to someone I am not speaking of it in a sexual way (usually); moreso in a intimate, spiritual, soul altering type of way. I have a friend of nearly twenty (20) years who I can share my hopes, dreams, thoughts and fears with however our friendship is platonic so there's this space where intimacy is what I crave in addition to those things. I won't look for Terrance in others any longer, that does not serve my highest good or the highest good of all involved. However I don't know what to do with these feelings I have, yet I don't want it to seem as if they are "copy & paste" as if I am longing to transfer them from a lost love to someone new. That is definitely not the case! Yet I don't think I've ever been as pure and authentic as I was during those years, I know that girl is still inside of me and maybe that's who's really writing these things; the teenage, love filled girl who loved and lost. As I'm listening to my friend (KingLeoPicasso)'s early morning "wake and bake" radio station on Amp (app) the first song on the playlist is "Moments in Love", he doesn't know what I'm writing and I did not know what his mix consisted of yet here we are. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I was in a mood, I thought it was just a bipolar day; but when I thought of it I expressed that I was sad and lonely. I didn't know why I felt that way and when I began this expression I had no clue all of this would be exposed, yet again, here we are. 

Now he's playing a version of the song "Can't Hide Love" by Najee which makes me question, have I hidden love? Is that even possible? Maybe it's all an illusion I've been hiding behind and everyone can see it beaming from me like the folktale "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone sees it, expect me. I do believe that you attract what you are, so I am unsure why I have yet to attract the "love I seek". Perhaps, once I heal whatever lingering feelings I have I may begin to see areas where I have been blocking myself. The Rumi quote comes to mind, "Journey from the self to the Self and find the mine of gold. Leave behind what is sour and bitter and move toward the sweet.". Maybe that's what it is?, Maybe that's what's showing on the outside?; The bittersweet version of love I may be presenting to the world. I am ready to move toward the sweet, I think. As the Sun rises and the music plays I am engulfed in thought; I did not intend for this to be a long post however I honestly didn't have any intention for this expression at all, except to allow my fingers to cross the keys and create words that my heart wants to share. As my sacred time comes to it's end I've read another quote from Rumi which says: "Be silent, only the hand of GOD can remove the burdens of your heart." I believe this came up for a reason, I also intend to discover that reason as I am sure it will be beneficial to me in the long run. 

I made a cup of coffee infused with Berry Pie which has been added to my list of favorite strains of marijuana. I feel relaxed; happy even; glad to have shared and ready to publish in the very near future. In between thoughts to share I've curated my playlist for my radio show (Moon Goddess Radio) on Amp (app) scheduled for Saturday (tentatively), I'm excited more than anxious or nervous. I've even begun thinking of commentary between certain songs and then I'll freestyle and see what is said as it comes to me during the broadcast. Unfortunately a couple songs I wanted to incorporate aren't available on the app so I've been listening to them on my streaming service. I don't have anything planned for the day, except possibly spending time with a friend and smoking, but we'll see where the day takes us. The Sun is up and my coffee is nearly gone as well as this expression coming to a close; so I have to ask myself, "what do you want to do now?' that's something I ask myself often seeing how I have much "free time" on my hands. If it weren't so hot these days I'd take my puppy for a walk in the park; it's nearly 70 degrees and not even 7:00 am 😧. I am happy these words found the page and I allowed them to flourish, who knew this was hiding inside me all this time? As usual I have yet to think of a title; I thought about "moments in love", but somehow I don't think that fits. I'm awaiting inspiration to come though and pick a title for me; I don't know what will come, but I anticipate it nonetheless. 

Now that we've made it through "hump day" I pray the rest of the week is magical; especially the weekend! I will admit I am proud of myself for being so open about my thoughts and feelings in this expression, I feel like the "old" me, like on the other blog where I was so raw and uncensored. Last night I was able to spend a few moments with the Moon as I witnessed her change phases from Full to Waning Gibbous yet still brighter than ever and so breathtakingly beautiful. My current playlist in conjunction with the cannabis oil in my coffee has lifted my spirits and I believe today will be great! I feel as if I was able to shake whatever mood was with me for the past few days, the song by Labi Siffre comes to mind, I intend to dedicate it to myself on the show Saturday (tentatively); it's titled "I got the..."  the part where he says: 

Just a lonely soul

Slowly dyin'

I was smilin' hard

But I was lyin'

Then you sailed along

With your sweet dream

When you stole my heart

I was with it

I felt that in my being! I mean like, deep within my Soul. That's the thing about Self-Love and Self-Care; your Soul knows what you need before you need it and this morning I was awakened by the yearning to write and share this expression with you all. Thank you for entertaining my words and spending these few moments with me while you're reading. I've been told my energy exudes through the screen within my expressions, which was an overwhelming compliment to receive in my opinion and I don't take it lightly. My intention is to be felt through my words and to only speak what my heart and mind agrees with. The scripture comes to mind which says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."; Psalms 19:14. I chose years ago to allow that to be included in my morning meditation; although I don't remember it daily, I attempt to keep it close to my heart. "In a Sentimental Mood" by John Coltrane & Duke Ellington is playing now and that's exactly how I feel, sentimental. Another word for sentimental according to the thesaurus is dreamy and that describes my mood perfectly. Now six (6) Pink Floyd songs are in the queue; ending with "Any Colour You Like" which is a favorite on the Dark Side of the Moon album. I figure as the playlist comes to an end, so should this expression; therefore (😁, I don't know why I love that word so much); I'd like to take this time to say "Hello; Good Morning ☀️💗✨" and for those of you I know who are traveling I pray you have safe travels and arrive/ depart your destination with grace and mercy. So, after skimming through the blog I stumbled upon an expression titled "A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed" which seems to fit what I've written; consider this part two (2). 

Until next time.

current view

"you've made magic out of your wounds and that gives you every right to be cautious about who is allowed to experience you. the fruits of your healing are not for everyone to bite into"

@iambrillyant (instagram)

Lately I've been in a mood I can't quite describe; normally I would allow it to process and pass, but this mood is a bit different. I want it to stay; to transmute into creativity and show up on the blog. I felt the urge to write and I am not sure yet how the above quote factors into the words to come, but I am certain they will make sense by the end. I've written countless times of my heartbreak and recovering from such, now I want to write about love sometimes; not being in love, but love itself. I want to express the love I have in my heart for so many things aside for my love of the Moon and the beach. I find myself in a space where I simply love life; the circumstances aren't perfect, but I am feeling the happiness of what it means to be love. Usually I shy away from the topic because I censor what I've shared to an extent, now I am ready to stop holding back and just allow the words to take shape however they form. That's something I'm making a conscious effort to do with each post, not being afraid to share my heart with you. In the past I'd retract paragraphs and even revert posts back to a draft because of fear; I don't even know what I was afraid of, especially since most of you all don't know me outside of the blogs and social media accounts. Nonetheless, the desire to share came upon me and I conceded without hesitation. 

I used to be scared of love; the vulnerability it requires. I think the scars of loving the wrong people have healed and I am ready to find something new in the fruit I experience. Then I think, is that even possible to love the "wrong" people? Sometimes I think that the timing was wrong, not the person; but I don't dwell there. Dwelling in that space in my opinion only leads to nostalgic emotions which can be misleading as we tend to remember the good times and not the times of heartbreak or heartache. As Sade plays in the background reminding me that "love is stronger than pride" I am almost forced to allow my heart to take the role my mind usually plays in my writing. I feel unraveled, maybe it's because Spring is turning to Summer and my love for the Summer has taken over in some way. Smoke fills the air and my thoughts are scrambled, thinking of various things all at once; making me feel a sense of overwhelming emotions. That's been the thing lately, having feelings and emotions I do not know how to express. The desire to have a drink comes to mind, maybe the whiskey will help the words flow? I need to relax, I have so much tension in my body and I am unsure why. I feel it in my shoulders and the middle of my back; all the hard to reach places, but I'm wide awake. 

I still debate how vulnerable I want to be; I like to hide, in the background of things while vulnerability causes you to be seen or should I say, felt. That is something else I am growing into, allowing myself the space to be vulnerable. I used to view vulnerability as a weakness where others can use your sensitive parts to pull you apart for their own pleasure. Now I view it as a superpower, only the brave can be vulnerable because it puts you in a space of love. I spent/ spend a lot of time focused on self-care and self-love; at times it feels like a job because it requires so much time and attention, but the "rewards" are worth the effort. As I've reached a particular space in self-love I find myself not as cautious as I probably should be concerning who I allow experience it. So far I believe I've made good choices, but I suppose it's the "old" me that is fearful of being hurt again. I will admit, certain situations have made me nervous; wondering if I'm making the right decision and other times I feel myself taking the leap into the rabbit hole with no expectation of what's on the other side of it. I don't want to injure the wounds I've worked so diligently to heal, but I don't want to be afraid of life and all it has to offer. 

I'm reminded of a situation in 2019 where an ex-lover made a reappearance in my life and I was able to see my growth in a way that the experience left me with. There was this quote that comes to mind by Dream Hampton which reads: "don't leave my ocean for shallow waters then ask me about the Moon". I felt that deep in my being, it was as if the encounter was scripted; from previous experiences with them as if the plays in the book would be everlasting, but to our surprise my response wasn't quite the same. I realized the feelings of our exchange was confusing and everything I knew was against my better judgement, but I allowed it to play out just the same. After such an occurrence I feel as if I will not allow another to "bite into" the fruit of my progress in that way again. I believe that happened to show me where I was spiritually and where I desire to be; along with maturity and how I value myself. I feel as if I was made aware of a "blindspot" in myself that otherwise I would not have recognized. I feel as if I began 2020 with a new mindset regarding my heart and who I will allow to have access to it. The past two (2) years I've felt that strengthen and I am proud of myself for allowing it to happen without judgement or shame. 

I think at the time I did not embrace my singleness as I do now; I like dating and watching relationships unfold as they are without fear or overthinking. That's something I've never done; I've always had anxiety when dealing with certain situations, keeping me nervous or even intimidated at times. Scared to speak my truth or express myself fully and openly. I was told once or twice that I was "too much", the funny thing about that was the person(s) saying such didn't realize how much I was actually holding back. I'd think to myself, if this is too much how overwhelming it would be to show my self completely. I then allowed that to spill over into my creativity; at times losing the freedom to truly express myself as if no one was looking. I think I've found that space; where I can share without worry or concern of who's reading my words and possibly judging as opposed to reading my words and getting to know me in another aspect of who I am. It's interesting to me when people attempt to request my friendship on Facebook because I wonder how they want to know me. I don't use Facebook for that, it's strictly for family, but my instagram, twitter, tumblr and the blogs are the best way to know who I am and what I'm about in my opinion. As the Super Full Moon approaches I feel more connected to my chakras and learning which needs to be unblocked and which may be overstimulated. The Full Moon is also a time to align with kindness and forgiveness and the perfect time to let go of negativity in any form. 

I was lead to do a numerology reading and the result said: "You are being guided to move in a new direction, Hand over any fears and worries you may have regarding the changes that are presenting in your life right now to the Angels. Moving in a new direction will inspire adventure and will prove to be a very positive step for you." I think that aligns with the things I've been sharing lately, being inspired and ready for adventure while letting go of fear and worries. I then pulled a card from my Mystic Mondays deck and it was The Fool which reads: "How exciting! The fool is a card of pure spontaneous energy, filled with curiosity and enthusiasm for the next adventure. You're ready to step forward into a new journey where the sky's the limit! You have boundless potential where you can pour your exuberance into fresh creative endeavors. Living in the moment, you're learning to let go of expectations and to go with the flow! You are ready to venture into unknown territories and pioneer your free spirit self into this new phase of your life. With a carefree attitude, this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart, and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey..." I feel as if following my intuition I am being pulled to a part of my journey that is unfamiliar, I suppose that's how it has to be in order for growth to flourish. I then think of being "tested", yet now I believe that is a man made construct put into our psyche to control us and instill fear of "failure" when making life choices.  I choose not to accept that thought process any longer.

Being free to live life and enjoy the ride of it all even with the ups and downs is all apart of the journey we find ourselves on. Taking chances, risks even; which is one thing about me, I am not usually a risk taker. However playing it "safe" hasn't always gotten the results I've set out to experience so I am learning to abandon the notion. I don't know how love was awakened within me, but I am learning to embody the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am looking forward to the days ahead; because I feel as if I've gone through a portal of sorts, I feel as if I have been reborn and the lessons learned thus far have contributed to my growth and understanding of myself. I feel as if I understand myself in ways I've never thought possible. I now understand some of my behaviors better, especially after being diagnosed bipolar; so much makes sense now that didn't before. Learning more to lean on my intuition rather than my thoughts all of the time has given me a new outlook; I am less concerned with looking foolish rather I want to do what my soul needs. Even if that doesn't make sense to anyone else which reminds me of a post on the other blog which remained untitled as I re-read that post I was reminded of a few people recently suggesting that I write a book, I am beginning to feel inspired to do just that...

to be continued.

two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

cleansing, ghosting and moving forward

I was reading through a draft and felt as if I'd read it before; I decided to close the entry and begin anew. Of course I am attempting to find reasons to put off sharing, but it seems the words are coming out as they see fit, even with my nails longer than usual and the typos and speed, or lack of can not frustrate me to the point of stopping. Prior to writing I completed a few tarot readings for myself, I felt as if things are on track for the path I find myself on; although I don't quite know the destination of the journey just yet. I seem to have this knowing that things are in alignment as I manifest my dreams and decipher my hopes. My tarot readings spoke a lot of mystic messages regarding the subconscious mind as well as change and balance, I feel as if that is just in time as I ease into the new year as well as adjust to my birth date. The New Moon speaks of new beginnings and cycles ending as well as growth. Which makes me think of the New Year, my new age and prayerfully new experiences. I've been feeling anxious lately, not enough to be concerned, but enough to be thankful for my temporary therapist and how I am able to discuss my feelings at the moment. While focusing on my health and fitness journey I'm  happy to say that I've shed a few pounds, which has encouraged me to continue on the current path I find myself on. With the New Moon approaching again it just feels right, the energy I find myself feeling or should I say the vibration I find myself in and frequency I am experiencing. I feel as if being grounded is the safest place for me right now, staying close to home and adjusting some expectations. One word that pops in my head has been realistic; as Mercury is retrograde and a plethora of planets are currently in the sign of Aquarius, it feels like a good a time as any to begin reflecting. 

I bought a journal, unlike any other I've purchased before; it happened to be a journal of writing prompts. As I skimmed the journal I realized I'd wasted my money; the prompts are not really "my cup of tea", but I did come across one that made me think a bit differently than when I began writing. The prompt says: "you're going in search of yourself. where do you start?", the first thought that comes to mind is meditation. Lately, I haven't quite felt like myself; I feel as if the stay at home order may have taken a toll on me that somewhat blindsided me. Unable to get drinks with a friend or dine out, go to concerts and other fun activities for an extended period of time will have you out of character, if you allow it too; especially with so much going on in the world and cosmos. After dealing with some health issues I am glad that I am in good spirits and can say that things are much better and I am much stronger and grateful after having the experience. I am somewhat in search of myself, in search of what I'd like to share with you all and what should go into this writing prompt journal. I feel inspired, which says a lot seeing how I am without a muse and have cut back on the usual cocktail that I call my writing process. I think I am at a space of releasing thoughts, habits and patterns which are no longer for my highest good. Mercury retrograde plus the phase of the Moon seems to support this train of thought. I feel lucky, and since I continue to see the number 7 or 777; I think that's safe to say.

From meditation to prayer and tarot, it may seem as if I have become obsessed with tarot; but I think it's more of a fascination. Especially as the cards are read and details a specific situation I find myself in or answering a question I've only asked in prayer. I don't feel as lost as I used to, where I was always searching for myself and looking in places that meant me no good. I believe I did that not too long ago, I found myself regressing into some old habits and allowing things that the person I am today knows better than doing so. So I have to ask myself why I allowed myself to behave that way and how can I recognize it soon to avoid some of the thoughts I've had the past month (or so). I am confortable in this current placement of the Sun, Moon and Stars; as if "everything is always working out for me" which has become a motto I repeat to myself often. When researching Angel Numbers one thing that stuck out to me more than anything was the suggestion of spending more time with God in meditation. I have my sacred time, which I will admit to sleeping though more times than I should; yet as cliché as it sounds I do believe that God knows our hearts and thoughts. Meaning God knows and understands our thoughts and intentions. Not making excuses, however I intend to improve my habits while creating new ones. When I began this post I thought I'd sum it all up in one night, however as this edible has finally kicked in I must call it a night and continue at a later time. 

I participated in a cleanse for Valentine's Day regarding love languages, healing as well as bringing in amazing friendships and relationships into our lives. Last night I had some odd dreams, involving a secret I've been keeping for an ex-friend that's been weighing heavily on me; I asked the mystic about having odd dreams and she said that it was "old baggage and emotional ties moving out!" As I sit here I am hoping that is the case because there is no way that I would reveal the secret even though she and I aren't friends any longer. In addition I dreamt of a friend that I ghosted for no apparent reason, so I reached out and it was received kindly which felt great. As far as other relationships, I felt myself detaching from something I was involved in that really wasn't a good situation for me. Even my tarot reader told me it would end badly; although I feel as if the person ghosted me I refuse to say anything so we both are in silence with me secretly wishing to never speak to this person again. My tarot reader said the person and I are much better as friends than we could be as lovers and I find it difficult to believe since a friend shouldn't ghost you. While typing that I feel like a hypocrite seeing how I just admitted to doing the same thing, however the difference between the two occurrences is with the friend I'm speaking of, we were never intimate so although there was a time when we didn't speak the emotions involved were hardly similar. With this cleanse I am believing in healing the rest of whatever it is that's been bothering me as I've stated in previous writings. I feel the pieces of my heart returning to me; I feel as if reaching out to the person who I felt broke my heart and getting an acceptable response was something I needed to add to my healing process.

I think with the one person I am over wanting closure and accept the opening to catching up at a later time. With the ghost, I feel as if I was understanding in the beginning, but as time passes I can not think of an acceptable excuse or "reason" for the disappearance; based on words spoken to me which were unwarranted. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that the words spoken were unnecessary. So the disappearance felt as if I was blindsided and the false hope giving burst a bubble or perhaps knocked them off the pedestal I may have put them on. I recently read a meme which said "we think we want sex. it's not always about sex. it's intimacy we want. To be touched, looked at, admired, smiled at, to laugh with someone; feel safe. Feel like someone's really got you. That's what we crave." and I could relate on a deeper level than I've felt in a long time, especially during a pandemic when the touch of another human is unavailable most of the time. I long for a hug like never before, something so simple yet due to the threat of illness which is believed possibly deadly we forsake being close to one another in hopes of "not spreading the virus". In the past I would've felt silly or stupid for sharing that with you all, but today I feel liberated. I feel as if some of you may be able to relate to that statement, well, those of you who are unattached like myself. I am hoping that the detachment does not result in that person reappearing when I am no longer available; which has happened in the past and I will admit to being vulnerable to said person and giving in after doing the work to overcome. 

I'm looking forward to Mercury going direct at the end of this week along with the Full Moon next week. I feel as if I am purging, letting go of things and people I've been holding onto out of security; feeling as if they connect me to my former life when the truth is, that person that I was is no longer. I've gone though so many phases of being since they were staples in my life and at one point I felt like I didn't know who I was without them in my daily life. Knowing people for so long can have that affect on you, I think. Nevertheless, I am ready to move forward and welcome new amazing friendships and relationships into my life, one's that won't claim to be with you only to leave you hanging for no apparent reason. As I reflect on my ghosting ways of the past I made a promise to myself that I would no longer engage in such behavior. If I find it necessary to cut ties with a person I will be woman enough to tell them beforehand. I don't think it's because it happened to me recently, I think it's just apart of aspects of Mercury Retrograde, growth and cleansing that's made me do some introspection and change some of my ways which weren't for my highest good. I feel lighter, freer, more alive even. I think this journey I find myself on was a long time coming and once I actually surrendered to it things got easier for lack of a better word. I wish everyone I mentioned well in their journeys; I'm just learning that not everyone is meant to stay forever and that's okay. Funny thing is at points of my life I thought I could never live without them then I found myself living without them. Which tells me I can do it again...

In The Meantime...

"your mind, this globe of awareness, is a starry universe. When you push off with your foot, a thousand new roads become clear".

Rumi

It took me quite some time to get an understanding of the above quote; however I find myself at a crossroads and I feel as if any decision I make will lead to a thousand new roads.  It wasn't until this moment that I feel the starry universe of my mind trying to figure out which road to take. I find myself stressed, the cause is slightly out of my sight so I don't know exactly what is behind these feelings. I've been praying and meditating, but I have yet to see the answer clearly; I haven't been in this space in a very long time, so I've contacted my doctor to request a referral for a new psychologist. I know I've mentioned going back to my former therapist some time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I knew I needed another "safe space" to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am looking forward to learning if I'll have the same therapist or if it'll be someone new, I'd prefer someone new since I can not go back to the therapist I'd choose for myself. 

Although it took a minute to realize it's a good thing to talk to someone who is 100% objective, I feel as if it's right on time. I think as we deal with life during a pandemic we should take the necessary steps in keeping our mental and emotional health a priority; not to mention our spiritual health as well. I hope you know that it is not taboo to seek assistance from someone other than friends and family; at times therapy can be a saving grace and allows a perspective you may not have reached by doing the same things as before. I think we owe it to ourselves to monitor ourselves and take whatever steps are appropriate at that time.

As I have four (4) drafts I'm currently writing I feel a bit overwhelmed, as if I should have posted a long time ago; but at the tagline suggests, I write when I'm in the mood to share. Even though I have been in the mood to share I have to make sure the words make sense and I don't feel as if I'm rambling. I feel the need for direction is popping up in my life in so many aspects and I am a bit confused on which direction to take. In the meantime, I've allowed myself to relax more as well as take some time to indulge in self-care; even if the way I'd like isn't possible at this time (due to covid). A spa day would be perfect on a day like today; to have a sugar scrub with a massage and a lovely shower afterwards, it's invigorating. Nevertheless, adjusting to the pandemic has been a challenge at times, but I'm managing. I hope you all are finding healthy ways to deal with life as we know it; stay safe.

Happy New Year! 🥳 

Kamille

Mysteries Of My Heart

" I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” 

Frida Kahlo

Oftentimes, I find inspiration from within; usually from a song lyric or a quote. Times like now, I was writing on the other blog and I "lost" the inspiration to complete and share the entry. I felt as if I were rambling especially with the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Pisces (at the time) along with the Full Moon approaching. I was awakened by the itch of eczema on my hands and after applying the necessary creams and oils the itch was relieved, however, now I can't sleep. So I decided to write out some thoughts and see where they lead.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of tarot readings for myself and the results have been extremely accurate. At one point it seemed as if the cards were quoting my blog entries verbatim; which was not surprising the way that I've been experiencing synchronicities and seeing angel numbers. I suppose with the Moon now in Aries, I'm feeling a bit restless and I am not completely sure why that is. Another thing I've been doing has been massaging my third eye; then I indulged in a strain called "Golden Dream" and that it is, I've had the most vivid dreams even seeing loved ones who have passed on. As I said on an instagram post, I felt the sensation of tingles up my spine until they reached my brain and began massaging each part. I will admit, that doesn't happen often; but with a true sativa I'll get that effect which is quite delightful. Which reminds me of the following quote:"Enter the ruins of your heart, and learn the meaning of humility. Close both eyes and see the mysteries of your inner eye."- Rumi.

I feel as if I've entered a different part of myself and perhaps that's why the other post needed a break as I merged the parts of myself from the ruins of my heart and the mysteries of my inner eye. At times, as a Capricorn (Sun sign) it is difficult to understand the workings of my heart, seeing how I'm usually "in my head". I think that's why I've had much difficulty in searching for the desires of my heart, past writing. I think it's the safest thing to share on here, that I desire to write; which seems self explanatory. My other desire is to know myself, to the point I study my natal chart often and even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to gain more insight. Outside of that I draw a blank, searching for meaning or purpose especially when getting to know more about soul contracts and such. I have many questions on that topic yet no one to discuss it with; I figure the answers will come to me in the appropriate time so I take my thoughts to other places.

Recently, I've been cleansing my heart; focusing on past hurts and heartbreaks and releasing them. Releasing the feelings and emotions connected to those experiences which are no longer for my highest good. I feel a bit lighter, reconciling those feelings took a lot of energy, but it felt like the right time to let it all go. In freeing that space I hope to learn more about what makes my heart beat. I think I want to know what else my heart desires past the two things mentioned above, then I think of love...

I think that's the topic I avoid on the blog, although I feel as if I share my personal life; I know I keep much of my self to myself. I feel as if I may have lost sight of my passion, I am not sure what I am passionate about. I used to be passionate about my health and fitness, a lover, my career and such, I suppose as those things came to an end I misplaced my passion for things. I don't know if I am as passionate as I should be about my heart's desires which may be why I found it difficult to tap into those things. In this moment I feel as if a desire of my heart is to be in love, I feel as if I'm overflowing with love to give and receive in return. I'm beginning to feel as if I am finally ready to take my tarot readers advice and truly open myself to the possibility of meeting someone new. I don't recall the last time I felt this way or if I ever have, but sharing this with you all will assist in it's manifestation. I am not in a rush for this to happen, but I am looking forward to it. Now I'm sitting here listening to music and waiting for this edible to kick in, still no sleep in sight. Part of me thinks if I get in bed and turn the lights and music off I may drift off to sleep while the other part of me doubts that would be the case. 

I did just that; as I laid there in silence I thought of many things to share, but as I drifted off to sleep they were lost in my dreams. Another day passes and the thought of love is still heavy on my mind. Perhaps its the approach of the winter season that's got me feeling this way, or maybe it's just the way the stars have aligned. I felt a clarity after the Full Moon came and went; as if there were blockages which needed to be released with my affirmations and mantras. I feel as if expressing these thoughts in such a public way I am co-creating with the Universe that which I am discovering to be my passions and desires. I am looking forward to learning this aspect of myself and excited to see things unfold and how much I will share with you all...

Then I saw a quote that pretty much sums it all up-

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring"- Oscar Wilde

Sitting In Silence

 "sit, be still and listen"

- Rumi

Years ago I discovered what is believed to be "sacred time"; which is the time of the day observed to honor God, however that is for you. I use that time to pray, meditate and focus on my hearts desires. I found that last part a bit difficult until recently, as I wrote before, I'm learning to dream and set goals again, taking much thought into where I see myself in years to come. The vision has yet to become clear, but I am having fun dreaming of various scenarios; even if God has something different in store. Over the years I've learned to leave room for God to guide me, taking heed to red flags, gut feelings and synchronicities. I also learned of a few tools such as my natal chart, astrology, astronomy, energy cleansing, chakras and tarot which assists with things my intuition leads me to. I find it fascinating when my tarot reader tells me something only I know about myself or a circumstance, whenever I have a deep urgency to schedule a session that happens and I know I'm on the right path. I have been practicing reading tarot cards for a while now and while writing I decided to take a break and read the cards for myself; interestingly enough I got insight on things discussed in my last session. I'd been anxious about something said and was questioning whether I should do something to speed up the process and the cards definitely gave me the answer I needed. I'm working on practicing patience when it comes to things I want, the former brat in me want's what I want when I want it, but as I am maturing I am attempting to exercise restraint and allowing things to flow to me in their appropriate time. With some things this can be more difficult than with others, depending on my excitement for whatever it is I am desiring at the time. I'm learning to be still and listen, I suppose that's what patience is for, sitting still enough to allow the answers to come in their own magical way. 

The only thing about that is anxiety, ocd and happiness; which is an interesting cocktail of emotions. Anxiety would have me skipping ahead a few steps to interject myself into the mix hoping to get the response that I desire; ocd will keep it on my mind until I do something. While happiness is the voice of reason reminding me of my current state of mind and how I don't want to do anything to unravel that. At one point I thought I had an attention disorder because it was almost impossible for me to sit or be still. Even in writing I often ask myself where is this going or how will this end, but I've learned to quiet the questions and allow the words to come forth as they see fit. I take a deep breath, look around the room and realize there's no music playing, no incense burning or marijuana smoke in the air. I don't always need that to write, but I do like the vibe of it all; it makes me feel connected to something higher than myself; as if I am tapped into the Universe and the necessary words come to me as they should. I've been focused again on my purpose and what I think it is, I'm still a little unsure, but a few things come to mind. Of course I feel as if I have a purpose to write and share my experiences and thoughts with others; yet I am curious about how my love and study of the aforementioned tools may be apart of it too. I don't quite know how that factors in, but I do know that the readings I've done for others have been just as insightful as my readings for myself. I love that feeling, especially when it's someone who "isn't into that stuff" like tarot, natal charts, retrogrades and the like. I feel a sense of happiness in watching someone awaken to new things.

I find myself wanting to find other writer friends to chat with; or more friends in general, I think. I feel like a broken record to say this again, but I feel as if I'm coming out of my shell. It may be seasonal or a part of the liberation a particular age brings; I am unsure, but I know I need to do something with this energy. I've been focused on attracting the right people for me, I guess you can say my tribe. That's also something I am learning to be still with, not rushing the process of meeting people who also enjoy writing or metaphysical things. Although I am still learning I like talking to people on different levels of understanding when it comes to these types of things. I like the idea of each person learning something from one another rather than one person being the "expert" on all things discussed; that gets pretty boring really quickly. Lately, I reintroduced my studying of kundalini as well as each chakra and how to balance them; I even signed up for daily grounding during this Mercury retrograde as well as a cleanse which is just in time for scorpio season. Some believe scorpio season is about "rebirth and how our souls are cleansed from the old cycles which no longer serve us". I even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to get a better understanding of myself. It's amazing how these things are so accurate, It's funny because if someone said this is how I would be years ago I would have laughed; before I was so logical, going only by "facts" with no room for the supernatural, now I'm all about it. Reminds me of the quote by Rumi- “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?”

It's been over a decade that I was introduced to natal charts, chakras and such; and I can see how knowing these things contributed to my awakening of sorts, it wasn't until the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack and the aftermath of it all that I can see how it has changed me and like the quote suggests this side may be better than the one I left. Of course some days I don't see it that way, but today I do. I think the chaos of it all flipped a switch and something within me knew I could no longer go on the way that I was, add abuse to that and the trauma was more than that version of myself could bare. However, it's a bit bittersweet because some days I miss my old life; like in this moment there is a part of me that wishes I could time travel to certain instances in the past and do things differently. Since that is not possible I pray that in my next lifetime, should I choose to return to this Earth; as a woman, I will do things the way I envision in hindsight. Knowing what I know now I will hopefully avoid certain pitfalls and bad decisions or should I say word choices in various situations. I guess that only matters if I fully believed and understood reincarnation and soul contracts. Nevertheless, I do believe in star-crossed lovers and I may have assisted in ruining mine in this lifetime; so I must be still and listen; allowing myself to move forward, open to new possibilities and such. I don't even know how that inserted itself into this entry, I suppose it's just the mood I'm in as I allow the music to play and the lyrics to seep into my thought process.

Crazy how it comes back to that, wishing I could re-do a particular relationship while possibly avoiding others. I guess the person I am now is the sum of all of my experiences, but I wonder: would I still have become this person without certain occurrences? Perhaps nostalgia has crept in, making me romanticize relationships that may have been doomed from the beginning or looking back is allowing me to notice some of my own toxic traits which lead to the demise of said relationship. So far, that's what I'm sitting with, allowing myself to fully let go of what could have, would have and/or should have happened had I... Maybe that's where being open to new possibilities comes into play; which is why I believe this cleanse and energy clearing are right on time for me at this stage in my life. I feel as if I'm at a crossroad and rather than looking backwards I am searching for the sign which shows the way to go forward, continuing on the path that I find myself on. One thing is for sure, I've let go of the fear of being vulnerable; at least on the blog. I feel open and honest; wishing I could meet certain people again, as I am now, hoping they've matured as well and see how the stars align knowing what we know now. I suppose the lessons learned are for future relationships, making sure not to make the same "mistakes" again. I guess time will tell, until then I intend to be still and listen.

useful links:

click here for your free birth/natal chart

click here for free Moon phase at the time of your birth

Transparency: A Journey

"start over, my darling. be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to."

Madalyn Beck

After visiting my tarot reader again I found a bit more clarity in what the cards along with various synchronicities were telling me. It seems I've come full circle from the incidents which caused my mental health concerns and I am now facing some of those same triggers; I suppose as a test to measure the lessons learned. As I've written before I find myself on an unfamiliar path, the goals and dreams I'd set for myself hit a stumbling block when the onset of mental illness entered the picture. Now I have to think of new goals and dreams for my future and that at times seems a bit impossible. I guess being a particular age and starting over is not that uncommon, yet to me it feels foreign. I've managed to think of a few goals and I am currently working towards them however dreams are a bit more difficult, especially since the question comes up regarding a companion to live those dreams out with. My tarot reader had much to say on the topic and suggests I begin "putting myself out there" in order to meet new people which could possibly lead to something serious. He asked if I were ready to meet someone and I stated, "I'm open to the possibilities". Not just with dating, but with my future; I'd grown tired of wishing things were as they were many moons ago and decided to go with the flow of my current life. I've found the bravery and courage to dream again and embrace starting over. It's just coming out of my shell enough to go after whatever it is that I want.

That's the thing, I don't entirely know what I want or how I want my future to look aside from much laughter, stability and happiness. I'm at a stage in my healing that I am not as fragile as I once was when it comes to facing fears or experiencing things that once sent me over the edge, yet I am not willing to jeopardize the progress I've made over the past several years. One situation I find myself conflicted about has the ingredients to do just that if I don't take the necessary precautions, so I've been doing my tarot, along with prayer and meditation in addition to gathering the necessary crystals to protect and guide me. I find although the situation is all too familiar I am relearning things about myself as I navigate through that I know will be a benefit when it's all said and done. I am no longer afraid to pursue the desires of my heart, waiting for the perfect timing or opportunity has made me stagnant in the past and that is one thing I do not wish to repeat as time goes on. I'm still working on holding back in my relationships, but I feel as if I've come a long way from where I once was. I have yet to dive into my heart and find what's calling my soul aside from writing. I read the following quote and I guess that's what I've been fearful of until recently: "the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"- Joseph Campbell

The treasure I seek is my dream for the future, the cave then would be my heart and the fear is the uncertainty of life which suggests to make plans and watch God laugh. I don't quite know how I'll handle another road block getting in the way of my dreams or the need to begin again and dream new dreams. I wrote recently in Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts regarding the desire to have more children and the regret I felt because I'd chosen not to, although I am slowly releasing those feelings and emotions attached to that awarenesses I still wrestle with the thoughts. Seeing how "hindsight is 20/20" I realize the possible damage of suffering from newfound mental illnesses with small children to raise; I don't know if I would've come out of that or the trauma that could have been inflicted upon myself and/or those children. Since I have no plans to endure a "late in life" pregnancy it's only fair to myself to find peace with this outcome. I can no longer resent or regret any decision made during those years because they were made with my higher self; who knows the journey even when my consciousness doesn't at the time. I also wrote in Glowing Up about how I've been sharing more and not being so hard on myself as I shift my focus on self-love and such. Although I do want to experience the opportunity of meeting someone, I am enjoying meeting myself on another level. So contrary to my tarot readers suggestions companionship is not that high on the list of priorities just yet. 

I have gotten more comfortable being my authentic self and I feel as if some of the growth can be seen in my writing; at least I hope it does. I think at some point I'll write down my dreams and what I believe it will take to accomplish them, that may be the missing piece, writing it down. Funny because I often have the best thoughts when I am sleeping or driving and of course there's no pen or paper in sight. I often pray to have the thoughts return when I am better able to jot them down and sometimes it happens that way. In my last writing I mentioned neglecting aspects of myself and the first thing that came to mind was companionship, but I think more importantly I'd neglected some of my wants and needs as a person who happens to be a woman. I think we as a society can get so hung up on marital status that we forget to be whole without a plus one. I thought I lost something or I was missing something so I began showering myself with self-care; I'd enjoy dates with myself or friends and not think too much about meeting anyone until recently. Not too long ago while running errands with my Aunt she asked why I'd stopped wearing make up and my reply was that I will once I lose the weight; I later found myself helping a friend with a photoshoot and somewhere in the mix I ended up with a full face of make up and I saw myself differently. I then realized all of the things I had been avoiding or neglecting because I was unhappy with the weight I'd gained over the years. In that moment I decided not to live that way any longer.

While I was out over the weekend I decided to stop and buy a few essential make up items and had a good time playing with it earlier that evening. It felt good and more importantly I liked how I looked and felt. I know that seems a bit trivial, but to me it was that little adjustment that made a big difference in how I saw myself. I remember someone saying to me "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you"; and although that was an extremely sweet thing to say the attention was unwanted so the words fell flat. I now realize the main person hindered by the weight gain was me, no one else cares. Or should I say, it's not a major issue for anyone in my life other than myself. I began working on my fitness again and decided to embrace my girlie side; I feel better as the days are going by because I am discovering myself and allowing the best parts to shine forth as I work on the shadow side along with areas I feel need improvement. The quote: "let yourself become living poetry"- Rumi, comes to mind as I peek out of the shell I referenced earlier. As a Capricorn (Sun sign), Aquarius (Moon sign) and Virgo (rising) I find my wants and needs conflict with my natural response to things at times. For me, I like to stay low-key; but other aspects of my natal chart is a bit more aggressive when it comes to wanting and needing various things I could normally do without. I think that's the poetry in it all, to balance what I've learned about my Sun sign with all of the other facets of my being. I only learned about birth/natal charts about nine or ten years ago so for much of my life I felt molded in how a Capricorn behaves, but after generating my natal chart and studying myself I now understand why certain things conflict when I now know they don't have to.

I feel lighter; as if a weight has been lifted and it feels "right on time"; I now realize the amount of effort it takes to hold things in can be crippling. I did not know certain things had been affecting me for as long as they had, it wasn't until a recent trigger sparked a memory that things sort of unravelled; not in the sense of causing a mental health break, but more so an "ah-ha" moment pinpointing an area of my life that took a turn and assisted with the causes of said mental health break in 2012. That's a long time to carry such a burden unbeknownst to me, I am glad it revealed itself gently; where I could digest in a healthy and stable way. After speaking with my tarot reader and a friend, I've decided to seek another therapist; I'm praying I get one who is more aligned with my energy and I don't feel the need to avoid certain topics. That's what I did with my last therapist, well, to be honest, that's what she did with me. I allowed her to lead our sessions and her main focus was my anxiety and depression which through various techniques I am able to manage better than days past; but my personal life and interests never made it to the conversation. I think that's what I need, an outlet to discuss my personal life that is outside of the blog and with friends. Thankfully I have those outlets, but some things are too personal to share here and other things I don't want to burden my friends with the responsibility of hearing about them much of the time. 

I am now even more excited about the coming months and year; I feel as if my transformations are all for a reason and that reason will soon reveal itself to me. I feel as if the past several years were all to get me to this point of being; happy and healthy in my own skin, finding new perspectives to things that used to "ruffle my feathers" and finding constructive ways to transmute that energy. Since Mercury is retrograde I decided to get extra grounding from Mystic Lipstick, I've participated in various groundings and clearings over the years and I will admit they are extremely helpful; especially during Mercury retrograde. I also replaced my Tiger's Eye crystal which helps with emotional stability, balance and other such attributes I find useful at this time. I feel as if I am on the right path yet my purpose is still unclear, perhaps that's where the diving into my heart comes in. Maybe that's the journey, unlocking parts of oneself until their purpose is revealed? I've been curious about my purpose and the purpose of those in my life for many years, some things are still unclear, but I figure the more I write it out the clearer it may become. I will admit, I am looking forward to how it will all unfold.