feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

back to life

 "I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. I have a chance to live, as I've dreamed."

Nina Simone

In the not so distant past I had a thought, I contemplated then attempted to allow my soul to leave my body; with encouragement from loved ones "on the other side" I attempted with all my might to no avail. With the awareness of my inability to detach my soul from my body, I pondered the reasoning behind it; even questioning "what's keeping you here?" to my dismay I realized as one who would have "chosen the sea" [a feeling I know all too well, as I was reminded of when re-visiting "Inland Empress"] perhaps my soul was anchored to the bottom of the Ocean as a true commitment to "Mermaid Life" as I often proclaim. So I grabbed a couple of my bags and headed to my car with the destination being a particular beach; with the intention of allowing my body to find my soul at the bottom of the Ocean. As I drove, I could not locate the beach of my desire, as it is a new location since the other ones left me confined to my car, unable to touch the sand or water for fear that I may walk too far with an inability to swim... 

As I grew anxious of the reality of my actions, I pulled over to think; "what are you doing? where are you going? you packed bags yet the intention was to never return, so what's the truth?" In that moment I remembered loved ones I felt would possibly have a hard time understanding my  actions, as well as obligations I have not fulfilled. I then returned home and went to bed as if I had not taken steps in the direction of truly returning to the presence of God. 

I have an interesting relationship with death, the earliest I can remember was a time when my Mother had taken me to a hotel in Downtown, Los Angeles. We were on a top floor with a huge window without a screen or bars to protect one from jumping. I had the thought to leap or perhaps I thought I would fly away from the reality I found myself in. As the thought persisted, an Aunt came through the door and "rescued" me; I was five (5) years old. 

I've had several occasions where I've "lost" consciousness;  either through medical intervention in the form of surgery or due to mental psychosis or manic episodes. I've died many times; some were in the understanding of spirituality— being baptized, committing to live a life pleasing to God [as if "dead" to the world while acceptable in the sight of God]. near fatal car accidents, the truth I am finally ready to face of my experience with labor and delivery... 

At the age of twenty (20) years old, I found myself in the final months of pregnancy, although I participated in a lamaze course, I had not been around babies for any extended amount of time. I never babysat and by the time I was thirteen (13) I had my first sibling, yet he was already a toddler when we met. With the acknowledgment of never wanting to be a mother or raise children it was in labor when the fear was face to face with me as my body and baby did not want to continue. Labor was overall pleasant as I enjoyed Italian ice and cartoons then finally found a position to lay where we were comfortable, unfortunately after some time the doctors or nurses informed me of the position of our choice was causing complications with the baby and I was not dilating "fast enough" so surgery was necessary. As family and friend debated on who would accompany me into surgery— as if his Dad wasn't merely a few feet away still baffles me— nevertheless, the question was asked and his Dad was by our side during surgery. Once in recovery, I was told repeatedly of the amount of blood I lost, so many times that I think after twenty- five (25) years I finally understand the significance of maternal mortality rates and in all seriousness, I could have died that day. 

When the many highs and lows of mental health issues entered the picture of my life, I feel as if with the increasing severity of the illnesses, I died again; died to the possibility of the life I had envisioned for myself, died to the dreams and goals of my heart and the desires of my soul. I felt as if I was simply existing with no desire, goals, dreams, or even happiness to "stay the course" toward the vision of myself with grey hair, a few joints, a beverage, Rocko, and a seat on my porch [sometimes in solitude, while at times with an companion whose face and gender is a silhouette of a burst of stars]. As I faced mental health issues, at times experiencing states of insanity; having to fight my way out of particular pockets of my mind to reach the surface of my "right mind". While falling victim to exploitation and predatory "friends" and "family" as my exposed weaknesses were taken advantage of, causing many instances of housing insecurity, being called "crazy" for my thought processes and/ or spiritual practices, financial abuse in the form of outstanding debts they have chosen to forget to repay or at this point acknowledge as such. 

Then there was cancer— in all honesty, I did not know the term at the time the decision was made, but at some point of the above space of mind, I had committed to secondary aging [this is when lifestyle choices may speed up the biological effects of aging— smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, indulging in fatty, sugary, high cholesterol foods, etc]. I knew it would catch up to me and in a sense I thought I'd just transition to another realm or dimension while I slept. Unfortunately, the effects of my lifestyle choices began with weight gain, followed by hypertension, and diabetes; all of which I no longer cared about managing. Until August 2023, a friend who was also "tired" of the life she was existing in; literally dropped dead one afternoon with no warning. During this time I had experienced pain in my right breast, but I only noticed it during my cycle; so by the time I had a doctor's appointment it would slip my mind. Well, after the death of my friend, I thought to revisit my plan of secondary aging and attempt to cleanse and detox my body in an effort to rid myself of any toxins. At some point of this the pain in my breast persisted and at an appointment with my primary care physician, at the very last moment of our appointment I mentioned the unusual "lump" and pain; as the cleanse allowed the pain to remain noticeable without the presence of my cycle. 

As she preformed the breast exam and concluded that it was in fact unusual, I knew it was cancer. As the test results and appointments were being scheduled I had my mind made up, I am not going through chemotherapy [remember, death and I have a unique friendship— throughout my life I often thought about "how would I die?" Usually the thought was as a result of a car crash; that is until the cancer diagnosis— I felt like, "this is my way out!"]. That was until I was on the tele-health appointment and proclaimed such while my Mother was present in the room. So for some loved ones and the aforementioned obligations I have yet to fulfill, I agreed to a lumpectomy, one (1) round of chemotherapy and radiation with one (1) medication to take daily and one (1) injection monthly. As I prayed and meditated, I did feel a difference concerning death, as I felt this was actually the real, final, permanent, conversation in our relationship. I made peace with the actuality of how things could go, especially approaching the lumpectomy; I thought I would not awake alive from surgery. I believe it was leading to the date, which was two (2) days before my forty- fourth (44) birth date that I had a conversation with God concerning "if you allow me to see forty- five (45)..."

Now it's August 2024 and I experience a stroke, I spent many moments contemplating it's significance when "randomly" looking through my calendar and realized the date of the stroke was the day after an anniversary of sorts [the day I received the gift of the Holy Ghost— evidence by speaking in tongues as the Holy Spirit of God gives utterance]. I did not realize this until sometime in 2025 after learning of the location of the stroke and the severity of the situation. The stroke was actually a saving grace; as it prompted me to find a therapist to discuss everything concerning my life, thoughts, feelings, emotions, hurts, wounds, toxicity, you get the picture —my whole self— I prayed and was lead to an amazing doctor of psychology! Our first session was in person and she is warm, honest, truthful, knowledgeable, compassionate, all of the things! When she affirmed my capabilities even with the presence of mental health issues and now physical limitations; referring me to an organization entitled the Department of Rehabilitation, I found a new lease on life! Shortly after our first session, I changed my major from English to my passion for Psychology, later adding Philosophy as my minor...

I've written about my thought process at the end of 2024 heading into 2025, especially after being subject to an unknown level of abuse; in the form of a "friend" presenting themselves to be a certain way in an attempt to allow me to lower my guard and not only accept them for who they appeared to be, but create a space in my heart to not only feel sentiments of love and friendship— I also expressed such. Adjusting my comfort zones to make space for their insecurities, lack of spirituality, areas in need of healing, etc. When I was invited to spend the holiday at their home [Christmas throughout New Year's] I expressed my concerns for the length of time spent together and was reassured that things would be "fine". Well things were far from "fine", as soon as I was in their company at the airport it was leading to a space of discomfort. Keeping in mind I am in the stage of my recovery from cancer diagnosis, surgery, the completion of chemotherapy, while in radiation treatment, as well as a stroke less than six (6) months prior; this "friend" decides spontaneously to go to Ikea and walk the store for three (3) hours. Never acknowledging the facts of my conditions, issues with mobility, travel [LAX experience, flight, arriving in her city and awaiting her arrival], not to mention the last time I'd eaten. When I expressed my limitations I was met with frustration and apathy. 

As the days continued and the treatment progressed to my attempt to avoid interaction with her unless absolutely necessary yet on occasion prompting a conversation to "clear the air" only to be gaslit regarding the root of the irritation spewed in my direction. After many attempts to resolve what seemed to be the issue I was met with an aggressive tone of voice, snide remarks in the form of "jokes", as well as subtle expressions of jealousy and/ or envy. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the two (2) instances where she brought up a topic known to be "off limits" which resulting in my tears; the second time it happened [in a relatively short span of time] I informed her as if she was unaware, that the topic she's probing at is in fact not a topic I discuss. When the treatment escalated, I remained silent, until I reached a point of realization— "clearly the treatment is not going to improve, she is not willing to be honest about how she feels toward you, and the longer you stay and "accept" this treatment you are betraying yourself. So how much longer are you going to betray yourself in the name of friendship, compassion, grace, understanding, and love?" With that, I contacted the airline, rescheduled my flight to leave as soon as possible along with an additional fee for doing such; finalized packing my belongings and left with my last words being an advisement to "lock your door". This was January 2, 2025.

With my birth date being January 18th, I had the intention of spending my forty- fifth (45th) birthday with said "friend" as it was a milestone, but with the experiences from 2023 & 2024, in addition to life from 2012 [the onset of mental health issues]; it was also an acknowledgment of the grace, mercy, compassion, and Love shown to me by God, not only hearing, but answering my prayer. So in the arrangement of rescheduling my flight to return home a day early, I also cancelled my birthday flight to return as a guest to spend my special day in the presence of someone who actually despises me. Neither one of us contacted the other— her being in the form of an apology or concern for my well- being or safe return home; and me informing her of her mistreatment toward me or my safe return home. It was a definite case of "out of sight, out of mind" and I embraced life. Planned a great birthday experience at a spa I've imagined visiting; with the prayer of God going before me and paving the way for an exceptional day. Being that it was my actual birthday, the spa gifted me with various amenities; as I enjoyed a facial then lunch, a conversation with management lead to another gifting of a space in a cabana and champagne; followed by an excellent massage. However, being that "friend" is completely distorted in her thought process, she chose this day to "friend" me on a social media platform where we were not connected. The way in which this was distorted to me, was the acknowledgment of my birthday without actually acknowledging my birthday then reaching out in a way that is cowardly to excite a reactionary response from me as I am celebrating my birthday excluding her company. I will admit, I was annoyed for a moment, then swiftly hit block and returned to my wonderful birthday experience.

Reliving those experiences took me to an unhappy space, so I took some time to reflect on what you all have been reading; I came across an expression "The Shape of my Heart" which interestingly enough reminded me of my latest Instagram expression for this past Sunday (photo shown below) the sentiment shared was: 

"I found this photo somewhere online many Moons ago, I often wonder “could this be my birth place?” or rather, “are these the stars of my essence?” as I know, I am stardust, magic, love, wisdom, creativity, and so much more once buried in the [sub]consciousness, heart & soul of a 5 foot 5 inch, queer, “uniquely abled” Black woman. I say “once buried” because the seeds are sprouting, the leaves are forming, the branches are sturdy, the trunk is strong [as evident by the survival of an overwhelming number of challenges, issues, pitfalls, etc.] & the roots run deep. Strengthened by the love of God and the DNA of brilliant, artistic, nurturing, Beings referred to as my Ancestors. Today [& beyond] I embrace my persnickety nature, unorthodox perspectives, and abstract thoughts. I accept my ancient ways, no longer longing to be the same as others appearing capable of “normal” belonging and connectedness. I’m a unicorn, mermaid, owl, flamingo, giraffe, shark, [you get the picture 😹😹😹 I hope], I say that to say; the fascination of my imagination amazes me too at times, so much so I desire to “let others in”; as a sea turtle, I don’t know if you can imagine the level of healing that had to occur for me to reach a space within vulnerability to allow my entire, overwhelming, childlike, personality to shine out of the hiding space I’ve kept it. confined for protection yet nourished, consoled, loved, until wounds are healing and I am able to take the shell off for a while and truly enjoy this human experience. Happy Kamille Appreciation Day 💅🏾💗✨"

I've been working on this expression since sometime in May [2025], between Spring and Summer semesters; with Summer being accelerated courses, maintaining wellness, and other pleasures I have been processing a lot as I am also readjusting to the acknowledgment of certain spiritual gifts, as well as talents, skills, attributes, and such which I refer to as a philosophy of mastery [opposed to success, as it is subjective by each individuals concept or perception of what "success" looks like for them or their community.]  I am in awe at the level of vulnerability I have shown in recent years and to think many Moons ago I was rambling on the other blog about oversharing and my fear of love. Now here I am, a vessel of love, a sacred temple of an individual Soul allowed to have a human experience! 

With that, I suppose I should revisit perhaps the first time I died in this life; or maybe I should begin with a bit of a backstory... While on the excursion down "memory lane" these past couple of weekends, I discovered an expression written in December 2014. I do not recall my location as I was in transition from the seaside inland, with an invitation soon "forgotten" as the treatment I received was far from love, care, support, or any other familial "expectation" a reasonable, rational, logical, individual would consider standard or basic engagement of connectedness and/ or belongingness. I've literally had strangers on the street [including these internet streets] who have been kind, caring, supportive, loving, mentoring, I mean all of the things you'd "expect" from people who claim to love and/ or care for you in addition to being related by blood.  The trauma runs deep, which caused me to be predisposed to various disorders according to many mental health care professionals I've seen throughout these thirteen years [2012- ongoing]. I am thankful for my therapist, academic counselor, many Tik Tok "besties", and the few friends and family who are consistently engaging regarding wellness and aging [as we are all getting older, and hopefully wiser with each day]. 

Back to the backstory:

Currently...

The pen moves in my hand like music; feeling the harmony from within searching her soul for meaning along with hidden insights from other dimensions.  6d or 7d radiating throughout my entire being.  Experiencing the elements of Earth along with those from Galaxies existing in the distant future; returning to memory as if they were handcrafted just for my desire.

Leading to thoughts of the Here- After.  Not the last time, but the first time death met me.  Understanding the portal of choice was to discover my soul's deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give.

earrings and eyebrows

For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bridges ablaze. Lately when given the option I've chosen violence rather than to hold my tongue and leave things unsaid; rather than keeping those thoughts to myself I am choosing to express them regardless of the outcome. 

When it comes to my self-esteem, I feel as if my identity was in relation to my career and when that resulted in the outcome we know it to be I began to feel as if my life didn't center around my intelligence so I focused on the physical. Taking pride in my physical attributes which make me who I thought I was. Then things began falling apart, first with weight gain then eczema and now the effects of chemotherapy (baldness). I realized that I rarely wear earrings and I haven't arched my eyebrows in many Moon's, making me wonder if I should begin emphasizing my eyebrows and wearing earrings. Well, I had to replace my go-to earrings and I thought to allow a friend to apply makeup and do an impromptu photoshoot [I'm exaggerating- more like a photo or two]. I even thought of posting it on social media, even if it's only Facebook where it's strictly family.  

One thing I believe I've learned recently is the concept of self-love not simply being about acceptance, care and compassion; it's also about establishing boundaries as well as enforcing those boundaries. Which can look like burning bridges. When I think of how I present myself to the world each day and I go sans makeup and hair pieces I am owning myself [flaws and all]. However this newfound display makes me seriously consider doing a little more at least on occasion. Learning each day to love a new aspect of myself, to be gentle and mindful of myself and my needs at any given moment. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with myself and on occasion you guys, I honestly believe those are my safest spaces. These days with the exception of a couple friends, I have felt alone; as if I do not know where my safe places are. As if should the tears decide to fall, I have no one to console me in that moment, that's a lonely feeling.  

purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time

unpinned

 “you can not repeatedly disappoint somebody & expect their energy to still crave you.”

from Facebook; name withheld for privacy

I had an experience the other day which made me mad; if you know me in real life, you'd know that I may get upset briefly, but I rarely get mad. I actually went to bed mad, which is even more unusual. I was hurt and disappointed by someone's actions; or should I say inaction. I'd gotten to the point where I was fed up so I sent a text and put my phone on "do not disturb", however I have yet (as of writing these words) to receive a response. I feel as if that person is "waiting me out" so to speak, maybe trying to allow my anger to pass before engaging; not knowing that is only making things worse. I think in this day and age, more and more, people take kindness and patience for granted. Everyone's so quick to "ghost" people that when someone actually gives second and at times third or forth chances they are seen as a doormat or something. I don't know, I can't speak for those types of people. I just know as the quote above says, you can not continue to disappoint someone and expect them to still want you. No matter what feelings or emotions were attached; doing such things will only sever whatever relationship you (speaking in general) were attempting to build. I made a promise to myself after being "ghosted" that I would no longer participate in such childish behavior (in my opinion) and I intend to stick to it. However I did begin to put together a playlist for my radio show then decided I did not want to give it that much energy yet after speaking with a friend who said it was necessary, I said I would sleep on it.

I am a strong believer in the saying "if they wanted to, they would have" that's something that I've shared with the above mentioned person on occasion and was gaslit into thinking there was someone wrong with that perception; however I truly believe "people make time for what they want to" and if a person isn't making time for you it's because they simply don't want to. Realizing or recognizing that may be hurtful initially however it gives you clarity. It allows you to see what may be a priority to them and if you are not one of those priorities you should act or adjust yourself accordingly. Seeing how I typically have much time on my hands I am a bit more understanding than I probably should be concerning others time management skills or lack thereof, however I to have my limits. I think I will do a playlist and broadcast a show surrounding how I feel as a therapeutic outlet for these feelings. Although this was not a relationship  in a sense it was; so I feel as if this may be a break-up of sorts. It's true, I'm single; however when you spend each day communicating with someone over a period of time you or should I say "I" tend to form attachments and feel strongly when my needs aren't being met. Since we were merely "talking" I feel as if I shouldn't give it too much of my energy, however I must transmute it in order to move on. I feel as if I am doing that with this expression as well as the fact that I made the playlist. I think it came out good so I intend to broadcast on Moon Goddess Radio this Thursday; at 8 o'clock pm (pst). 

In other news...

I had a beautiful weekend, that is until the above occurred. Well, let me back up a bit; I had fun doing my radio show on Saturday then Sunday came. I was reminded that it was Father's Day and I felt a way about not being able to "celebrate" my Dad, which made me sad. I found other things to do to help improve my mood and I thought, "my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad." which helped a lot! I could hear his laugh and found myself smiling. Monday I had a great day at the beach; I usually go to Manhattan Beach, but since my friend and I were with his friend from out of town we went to Venice. I don't remember the last time I was there; we walked the boardwalk, grabbed lunch and sat on the beach near the shore listening to music and watching the Sun set. My type of day! Tuesday was another story because of "the mean reds" which took a lot of time, effort and energy to overcome. That is until I listened to my friend's radio show on Amp (app); where he expressed a roller coaster of emotions through music and it was quite therapeutic. Inspring me to do the same with the energy I found myself in. Now I'm back on my cloud and I'm feeling good; a good drive with a great playlist will do that for me every time. I believe I've given enough time and energy to that situation and I am ready to move forward knowing that I did my best.

I hope you all are having a great week thus far and if given the opportunity check out @kingleopicasso's 5am (pst) wake and bake or 5pm (pst) traffic jam sets followed by my show on the same app (Amp) scheduled for 8pm (pst). I hope you join us; in the meantime "thank you" for showing so much love to my other blog it's truly appreciated. I still find it fascinating that so many of you have stuck with me through the years and are witnessing me grow; especially those of you who have been here from the beginning. I am truly grateful that you find my words helpful in some way. It's officially Summer! I don't know how I intend to spend my Summer, but I am looking forward to the "turn up" I plan to attend for Independence Day. I do plan to continue sharing more as I've done this month; I feel as if I'm finding my flow and each expression has been coming together almost effortlessly. So let's make the best of the next few days until we can enjoy another weekend with all the joy that brings.

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed 2

Insomnia has arrived; I found myself searching for something to do in the wee hours of the morning since I am awake while the world is asleep. So I turn the music on and pulled out the laptop to see what words hit the page; I also was lead to read a post or two (2) from 2020 where I wrote about my Ice Princess well, Ice Queen ways. I wrote that nearly a year ago and although I see progress, I feel as if I may still be in that space; hmmm not completely though. In April I joined quite a few dating apps and met a couple cool people; with them I have been my authentic self however I am uncertain that I've gotten the same in return. I don't dwell there as everyone is on whatever stage of their particular journey; however I've since hidden my pages and decided not to meet anyone new. As I re-read Ice Queen I was reminded of a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, which says: "there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice." I think I may have been "looking" for the love I had in another and that is impossible; judging love from that scale is dangerous, I think, because you'll never see the person for who they are. Always who they "ought" to be in your mind, which is something they can never accomplish. I believe I've stopped doing that to an extent; I re-read a post on the other blog titled "My First Love...." which sheds a light on the love I often dream of. The love I shared with my friend, I will admit, I still miss him; I don't think too many days go by without thinking of him. I used to have a photo of him which I framed placed in my room, but since I've moved and have yet to fully unpack it's still in a box somewhere. To experience love like that at such a young age and never "finding" it again has left me frozen in a sense. It may seem as if I think about love a lot, but in my day to day life it rarely comes up; I think it is because my mind and my heart may focus on different topics, but when I write I tend or should I say I aspire to write from my heart; so love is what it is.

People often ask me what's up with my love for Pink Floyd; especially Dark Side of the Moon and I am reminded of my love. That was the last album we listened to; under the Moon and stars at times in silence. I loved that about him, our comfortable silences, where it's not forced or jammed with unnecessary rambling. I miss him still and he passed away maybe twenty plus (20+) years ago. A love like that doesn't leave you; it changes you, hopefully for the better, but in this case I am not so sure. Only because, as I've stated, I have yet to experience that level of love or intimacy since. I don't know in what ways I may need to heal, but I am sure there is something there that needs healing; I think I'll mention it in therapy next week and see what comes up. I won't act as if the memory of my friend is what woke me; it was the pain in my elbow and knee, I drive a lot so from time to time those areas let me know they need some attention and I make sure to allow myself the time and energy this body needs. I now have a pain in my back, in one of those hard to reach places, but I've learned a trick for that; place my Nordic Goddess, therapeutic body balm (infused with thc and cbd), in the inside of my arm (on the flip side of my elbow) and allow it to penetrate throughout my body, relieving pains in various places. My body now feels relaxed, but sleep is no where in sight, so I've decided to participate in what I've dubbed "Sacred Time" which is the hours between 4:00 am and 6:00 am; during this time I pray, meditate, listen to music, focus on my spirituality and at times, like now, write. 

I am unsure why Terrance has been on my mind lately, maybe because I ran across his photo in my phone last week or perhaps because I've been longing to be close to someone and he's not here to fill that void. When I speak of being close to someone I am not speaking of it in a sexual way (usually); moreso in a intimate, spiritual, soul altering type of way. I have a friend of nearly twenty (20) years who I can share my hopes, dreams, thoughts and fears with however our friendship is platonic so there's this space where intimacy is what I crave in addition to those things. I won't look for Terrance in others any longer, that does not serve my highest good or the highest good of all involved. However I don't know what to do with these feelings I have, yet I don't want it to seem as if they are "copy & paste" as if I am longing to transfer them from a lost love to someone new. That is definitely not the case! Yet I don't think I've ever been as pure and authentic as I was during those years, I know that girl is still inside of me and maybe that's who's really writing these things; the teenage, love filled girl who loved and lost. As I'm listening to my friend (KingLeoPicasso)'s early morning "wake and bake" radio station on Amp (app) the first song on the playlist is "Moments in Love", he doesn't know what I'm writing and I did not know what his mix consisted of yet here we are. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I was in a mood, I thought it was just a bipolar day; but when I thought of it I expressed that I was sad and lonely. I didn't know why I felt that way and when I began this expression I had no clue all of this would be exposed, yet again, here we are. 

Now he's playing a version of the song "Can't Hide Love" by Najee which makes me question, have I hidden love? Is that even possible? Maybe it's all an illusion I've been hiding behind and everyone can see it beaming from me like the folktale "The Emperor's New Clothes" where everyone sees it, expect me. I do believe that you attract what you are, so I am unsure why I have yet to attract the "love I seek". Perhaps, once I heal whatever lingering feelings I have I may begin to see areas where I have been blocking myself. The Rumi quote comes to mind, "Journey from the self to the Self and find the mine of gold. Leave behind what is sour and bitter and move toward the sweet.". Maybe that's what it is?, Maybe that's what's showing on the outside?; The bittersweet version of love I may be presenting to the world. I am ready to move toward the sweet, I think. As the Sun rises and the music plays I am engulfed in thought; I did not intend for this to be a long post however I honestly didn't have any intention for this expression at all, except to allow my fingers to cross the keys and create words that my heart wants to share. As my sacred time comes to it's end I've read another quote from Rumi which says: "Be silent, only the hand of GOD can remove the burdens of your heart." I believe this came up for a reason, I also intend to discover that reason as I am sure it will be beneficial to me in the long run. 

I made a cup of coffee infused with Berry Pie which has been added to my list of favorite strains of marijuana. I feel relaxed; happy even; glad to have shared and ready to publish in the very near future. In between thoughts to share I've curated my playlist for my radio show (Moon Goddess Radio) on Amp (app) scheduled for Saturday (tentatively), I'm excited more than anxious or nervous. I've even begun thinking of commentary between certain songs and then I'll freestyle and see what is said as it comes to me during the broadcast. Unfortunately a couple songs I wanted to incorporate aren't available on the app so I've been listening to them on my streaming service. I don't have anything planned for the day, except possibly spending time with a friend and smoking, but we'll see where the day takes us. The Sun is up and my coffee is nearly gone as well as this expression coming to a close; so I have to ask myself, "what do you want to do now?' that's something I ask myself often seeing how I have much "free time" on my hands. If it weren't so hot these days I'd take my puppy for a walk in the park; it's nearly 70 degrees and not even 7:00 am 😧. I am happy these words found the page and I allowed them to flourish, who knew this was hiding inside me all this time? As usual I have yet to think of a title; I thought about "moments in love", but somehow I don't think that fits. I'm awaiting inspiration to come though and pick a title for me; I don't know what will come, but I anticipate it nonetheless. 

Now that we've made it through "hump day" I pray the rest of the week is magical; especially the weekend! I will admit I am proud of myself for being so open about my thoughts and feelings in this expression, I feel like the "old" me, like on the other blog where I was so raw and uncensored. Last night I was able to spend a few moments with the Moon as I witnessed her change phases from Full to Waning Gibbous yet still brighter than ever and so breathtakingly beautiful. My current playlist in conjunction with the cannabis oil in my coffee has lifted my spirits and I believe today will be great! I feel as if I was able to shake whatever mood was with me for the past few days, the song by Labi Siffre comes to mind, I intend to dedicate it to myself on the show Saturday (tentatively); it's titled "I got the..."  the part where he says: 

Just a lonely soul

Slowly dyin'

I was smilin' hard

But I was lyin'

Then you sailed along

With your sweet dream

When you stole my heart

I was with it

I felt that in my being! I mean like, deep within my Soul. That's the thing about Self-Love and Self-Care; your Soul knows what you need before you need it and this morning I was awakened by the yearning to write and share this expression with you all. Thank you for entertaining my words and spending these few moments with me while you're reading. I've been told my energy exudes through the screen within my expressions, which was an overwhelming compliment to receive in my opinion and I don't take it lightly. My intention is to be felt through my words and to only speak what my heart and mind agrees with. The scripture comes to mind which says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."; Psalms 19:14. I chose years ago to allow that to be included in my morning meditation; although I don't remember it daily, I attempt to keep it close to my heart. "In a Sentimental Mood" by John Coltrane & Duke Ellington is playing now and that's exactly how I feel, sentimental. Another word for sentimental according to the thesaurus is dreamy and that describes my mood perfectly. Now six (6) Pink Floyd songs are in the queue; ending with "Any Colour You Like" which is a favorite on the Dark Side of the Moon album. I figure as the playlist comes to an end, so should this expression; therefore (😁, I don't know why I love that word so much); I'd like to take this time to say "Hello; Good Morning ☀️💗✨" and for those of you I know who are traveling I pray you have safe travels and arrive/ depart your destination with grace and mercy. So, after skimming through the blog I stumbled upon an expression titled "A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed" which seems to fit what I've written; consider this part two (2). 

Until next time.