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Showing posts from 2017

Healing

“I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.” Unknown I've written before of my relationship with my Mother, the last post mentioning the unlikelihood of reconciliation. Well, as they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell (Him) your plans"; as unlikely as I thought I was lead to reconcile not only with my Mother, but a few other people in my life. After months of inner-child work as  well as some shadow work which lead to hospitalization earlier this year I believe I am healing wounds from my early childhood years. Which I feel is necessary not to mention inevitable once a person begins the journey into Self-Awareness or any type of Spiritual Journey.  I've missed writing and sharing, I haven't thought of any reason to justify staying away so long other than I was "getting my shit together". Spending many days and nights battling anxiety, depression and insomnia along with the recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I feel as if I

Summer Moon's

For the past several evenings I have been attempting to schedule a date with the Moon. As we near the beginning of Summer the Moonrise becomes later and later into the wee hours of the morning, which is far too late/early for me to be out alone, so each night I dread sleep because I'd rather be gazing at the miraculous glow of the Moon. Especially after such a beautiful Full Moon days ago. My love for the Moon began officially one quiet Summer in the 1990's (South Central, Los Angeles). I don't quite remember the details, but what I do remember,  I won't forget. I believe the Moon was Full and I was outside awaiting my laundry. I stood there looking at one of the biggest, brightest Moon's I've ever seen (that I can recall). I was in Love. I'd never felt that way about anything and I knew I wanted to have that feeling included in my life from that day forward. The bond I have with the Moon is indescribable; the love and admiration along with trust and safety

Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye." - unknown It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are

Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

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A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn";  although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life" . The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way" ; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contr

Beware of Illusions: Don't Feed the Delusions

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." Morticia Addams Prior to the election this past voting season, I was dealing with various issues which can cause the average person to stress; however with anxiety disorder everything becomes on high alert or high priority. So to say that during and after the shenanigans as well as the ridiculous results the triggers were ever-present in addition to functioning throughout my daily life has been on the side of chaos might be an understatement. On occasion while running the usual errands or conversing with a neighbor someone will make mention that I don't seem as if I have anxiety disorder, which I have learned to take as a compliment to the behind the scenes "work" I do to understand and manage my self now. I won't go into detail about a recent situation which as a result landed me in the hospital for about a week. I can almost laugh now, seeing how I was just acknowledging,

This Brokenhearted Girl

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bare their bickerings" E. Y. Harburg After acknowledging the condition of my heart as well as my mind, in addition to the current climate of today's society; I found myself feeling extremely melancholy and somewhat depleted.  At one point I began to reflect on who I once was and how that girl would handle these emotions.  So yesterday I wanted to change my cellphone number, shut down my Facebook account and "disappear" from almost all of the people I know in real life. I felt so many emotions ranging from one extreme to another. While all of this is going on under the surface my outward demeanor would suggest that I am "calm, cool and collected" (typical Capricorn) ; which couldn't be farther from my reality. I made sure to monitor my mental and emotional health in hopes to avoid anxiety attacks, mainly because experience with these issues has taught me that an anxiety attack in my curre

Sometimes You Break My Heart

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”  William Shakespeare I can not recall when it began or when I realized it had begun, but my heart aches. For whatever reason I was oblivious to being in this condition until I was “smack dab” in the middle of it. I’d acknowledged at some point there had been a heart break yet I figured since I was aware of it there would be no need for it to affect me emotionally. I thought since I know my heart was (or perhaps still is) broken I should not experience the feelings associated with being brokenhearted. Or so I thought… As I attempted to discover the source of the developing feelings, I found myself thrown off balance when I came to realize what I thought was the cause of this particular heart ache was only the tip of the iceberg; so to speak. I have been reliving the past five years in my mind and how I have endured almost every type of heartbreak you could imagine. From “losing” friends, fall-outs with family members, in addition to

Happy March 🍀💚✨

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As I was preparing for the month of March and navigating through the chaos that is my life, I sought out to find a "flowery" photo to highlight the approach of Spring (pictured to the left) in alignment with all of it’s refreshing "new beginning" energy; however seeing the photo I posted on my Instagram account sparked a thought, or more so a challenge to myself and I decided to share. As I am attempting to find balance, healing, understanding and so on I want to make sure that I am also growing- mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as intellectually. Remembering my life before the anxiety attack and subsequent diagnosis of anxiety disorder I have always been a “nerd”. I enjoy learning and researching the origin of things I find interesting. However after developing the various disorders and conditions I have had a few occurrences where i was not in my “right state of mind”; but thats a story for another day. Nevertheless, since the last experience I make a

The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity

"the heart is the secret inside the secret" Rumi It's always interesting when the Moon effects me; especially during the New Moon.  I feel so open and free; unlike other Moon phases.  I haven't decoded exactly how or why things differ, but it always comes to mind during the Full Moon. At times I find myself confused by these differences and how they are so drastic. It's fascinating because not only do I feel these influences differently during each respective phase, but it is extremely different as I've grown in age as well as spiritually. To the point  I find myself over-thinking what to share and how much to keep to myself.  I suspect it is because the desire to share violates my overprotective need for privacy. A s I shared in  Black with Some Blues   the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo made a point to highjack my feelings in such a way that I was forced to not only face them, also to deal with them.  I have been thinking a lot about my future as wel

Black with Some Blues

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I had another post in the works, however in the midst of gathering my thoughts I was bombarded with feelings and emotions surrounding a situation which occurred sometime ago.  Seeing how I thought I'd resolved those feelings, I even felt as if there was acceptance and closure; for some reason (I know now, the energy of the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo to be the culprit.) these feelings began bubbling up to the surface in the form of heartache.  It caught me off-guard because as I shared, I thought I had come to accept the outcome and found closure in the circumstances.  Unlike the days of old, I did not run from how I was feeling; I decided to go on the roller coaster of emotions and see what showed up on the other side.   It's always interesting when I find myself in situations such as these, usually because when I feel as if it may be one area of my self that is calling for my attention (i.e.: heartache) there's typically several issues all relating to that

A Beautiful Disaster

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As I've shared vaguely throughout the years the "holiday season" is not my favorite time of year. So I've learned to use those times as introspection in order to focus on an area I'd want to improve upon concerning issue(s) associated with my thoughts and/or feelings. With the intention of healing or at the very least acknowledging the hurt associated with the potential or actual  triggers . Last year however was more difficult; I believe as the election approached and the final choices were established my anxiety went haywire. The truth is, for some odd reason I seem to experience some of the worst things of my life in the last part of the year; for example, November 2005,  a car accident  that quite honestly should have killed me  (click the above link for original [edited] post and / or see photos below*) . Also in November, the birth date of my best friend; I've never reassigned his standing in my life as the impression he left me with is quite irrep