feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...

been so long

“Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking, loving, and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” ~ 

Elie Wiesel

I saw the Full Moon days ago, it was in the early morning when the day is still and there's hardly anyone out. I sat in silence and took in each breath; praying then meditating. With much on my mind I've neglected writing, again... that crossed my mind during meditation, the fact that I haven't been writing. I've  always preferred the night; I agree with the quote above regarding how it's better for thinking, loving and dreaming, I tend to write mostly in the night hours. I especially love when the Moon is full although I tend to begin writing and somehow the night gets away from me and before I know it a month has gone by; like recently. I've been keeping up with my health; mind, body, soul and spirit; which occupies a lot of my time, sometimes forgetting to write altogether. Something I know I need to be mindful of, however I am hoping the second half of the year will lead me to write more. 

I think I was depressed about a particular situation that did not go the way I intended it to, so I had to grieve the loss of what I thought "could have been". I didn't realize the amount of energy that takes, but I am glad to be out of the fog of it all. In the moment I feel a bit melancholy and I am unsure why; I think it could be the aforementioned situation or perhaps something altogether different which may come to mind at a later time. I think with the current retrogrades (Mercury, Pluto and Saturn) along with other aspects of the cosmos may be where these emotions stem from. Not to mention the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini, June 10, 2021; the energy is heavy for me and I am unsure why that is. The energy regarding Mercury is believed to be surrounded by communication, Pluto generates energy surrounding rebirth and renewal while Saturn refers to responsibility and maturity. At this time I feel as if I am beginning a rebirth as I mentioned in tuning in which ties in with responsibility to myself as well as how I communicate with myself and others.

I began a tarot spread titled "monthly check-in" and the second card represents the theme of the month; I then pulled "the star" card (upright) which represents: hope, faith, purpose, renewal and spirituality. many of the things I am sharing in this expression. If you follow the link, although the cards used differ from my own the message was well received concerning being my authentic self and finding my purpose. All things I've shared on the blogs over the years. The next card represents "a key goal to pursue", which lead me to pull "the queen of wands" (upright) representing courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly and determination. I feel as if this is a goal of mine because I tend to neglect the blogs when I feel some type of way or my confidence is a little weary due to over-thinking in regards to what to share and what to keep private. One thing the website mentions is embracing the shadow side of myself and not being afraid of what that looks like. When asked "an obstacle to overcome" I pulled "the eight of swords" (upright) which focuses on negative thoughts and such; one of many things I've made a conscious effort to subdue. One of the key parts for me when I read "as you change your thoughts, you change your reality". As stated that's something I've been putting a lot of effort, being mindful of my thoughts as well as my words. One thing I've noticed is along with not writing often, I don't talk a lot, which has been the case for a while. With the exception of smoking a strain with the side effect of talkativeness, I am often quiet. 

The next card is regarding a major accomplishment; to which I pulled "the Moon" (upright)... how appropriate, with mention of the Moon phase (approaching a New Moon) during Mercury retrograde sums up everything. Before starting the tarot spread I told myself to trust my intuition and surely the cards are confirming that I am. I think that's why I felt melancholy at the beginning of this post, I was wrapped up in various thoughts and emotions while the retrogrades and my own personal circumstances left me feeling some type of way. But thanks to Golden Ticket and a sativa hash named Strawberry & Cream my mood has improved tremendously. I feel guided, perhaps by my higher self, guardian angels, the Universe and God; it's as if the timing of the questions accompanied by the cards pulled thus far seem almost scripted. I had the music playing, but as I continued to read various sites along with writing, I decided on silence to assist with my focus. I feel as if my major accomplishment has been to trust my intuition more than I have in the past, by over-thinking and doubting myself. I feel more confident in my readings as I'm learning to let go of what I can't control; while realizing I don't actually control anything. 

When asked "what to embrace" I pulled "the chariot" (upright) which discusses control, willpower, success, action and determination. I feel that ties in as I am focusing more on certain aspects of my life and brainstorming ways to bring them in alignment with the path I find myself on. I must embrace my willpower and determination regarding these matters in order to be successful. I know that, but at times the doubt and negative thoughts began to talk me out of staying the course. However this time feels different, I continue to see success along my weight loss journey; where it's noticeable to others and not just myself. I am proud of that, especially since I've been at it for quite some time; finally seeing results. Then the spread asks "where to find support" which pulled "the wheel of fortune" (upright) interestingly enough it mentions guides and the support of the Universe; also mentioned above. The last card to pull focused on "advice and encouragement", I then pulled "the fool" (upright) which speaks of new beginnings, free spiritedness, innocence and spontaneity. The tarot deck I have is by Mystic Mondays and it literally says "... this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey." while the passage on the website states "you must step into the unknown, trusting that the Universe will catch you and escort you along the way."

After completing the tarot spread I asked my higher self to sum everything up for me and I then attracted "the strength" (upright); mentioning the chariot and speaking of determination. I feel as if I am in alignment with my higher self lately and this reading reaffirmed that for me. I'm in a good place overall; filling myself with gratitude and thankfulness, being appreciative for the many blessings in my life as opposed to fixating on troubles, worries, anxiety and the like... I haven't been to the beach in many Moons;   it's been ages since I walked to the shore and put my feet in the ocean, I believe I need to change that. I'm going to plan a beach day and pray my anxiety doesn't keep me in the car. I feel better than I did when I began this post. I feel as if a weight has been lifted which also lets me know the energy cleansing I've been doing is helping as well. As I navigate through this life, I feel more grounded; something that is not always easy to do as a Capricorn (Sun Sign). I also activated a zodiac cleanse in my Sun sign in order to cleanse any predisposed trauma and the energy I feel exiting my being has been quite heavy. I am grateful to my guides and my higher self for directing me to various readings, the intuition of completing a tarot reading and taking the time with myself to allow the words to come. I am thankful for this outlet in which I can share myself with you all in what I feel may be my safest space. I feel lighter, but with many thoughts rushing through my mind; thoughts of hope and faith. 

I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and making time for self-care and mental health breaks. It's also good to be social (within reason) as loneliness can be a terrible thing; especially for the social butterflies of the world. I am more of an introvert so for me not much has changed pre and post pandemic. I do miss my movie nights as I don't know how I feel about going to the theater just yet along with star gazing at Griffith Parks, public star parties which have not been scheduled for 2021. I do however need to find a hobby; something inexpensive yet satisfying, I haven't figured that out. One of many things flowing through my train of thought; this time with a hopefulness that things will work out to my highest good. I feel myself leaning towards painting which I've mentioned many times on the blog; I also want to get back into yoga and hiking. In addition to running and exercising it seems I have plenty to do to occupy my time and accomplish some goals in the process. I also need to figure out some new goals aside from physical and financial; I suppose I have emotional and spiritual goals, which presents itself in the form of energy clearing, prayer and meditation. The music is on again and the lyrics which caught my attention says "take me to the Moon, I want to be with the stars" which is exactly how I feel in this moment. 

That's something I've been working on as well, being present; in the moment. Respecting each breath, each thought, each word spoken. I guess that's why I've been quiet lately; speaking words I wish to appear in my reality for the good rather than complaints, gossip and such. I feel encouraged, as if the Universe is conspiring to bring forth miracles and blessings which I am looking forward to. I hope you all are staying positive and present in your life. One thing this pandemic has taught me has been to be present and enjoy what comes in this life. As cliché as it sounds we truly do not know what the day holds for us, things change at times in the blink of an eye so we must preserve the moments and be thankful. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

tuning in

"She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the Moon, but it must be a strong. one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane."

Paulo Coelho

I am thankful to God for answering my prayers. Moving shows you a lot, about yourself, your strength, your tribe, etc. I feel as I enter a new chapter of this life I find myself ready to dig deeper into my being; I am at a point where I want to know myself fully. As the years passed and various health issues have caused some weight gain I believed that the attributes that made me "pretty" were buried underneath. I know I'm at a place to make improvements in my thinking because I am finally willing to admit it in an outlet I feel safest. I've been "dieting" for years, switching things up; taking things out yet the pounds have remained. I am grateful to say they haven't increased, but they haven't decreased significantly. Until recently slimming down by approximately twenty pounds; I feel as if this may be a milestone as in the past I played around gaining and losing the same five pounds. It all ties together because where I am now I feel as if I've never been in this position before. Years ago I tried a pescatarian diet, but now with my energy evolving I find myself dabbling in the plant based lifestyle. With everything I have going on I feel my inner beauty shining in ways I only dreamed of. It feels as if I am going to burst and allow my outside to reflect more of what's inside, the vibrant, radiant, glow of joy, peace and happiness. 

It began as I re-engaged in "scared time", I read scripture and listened to spiritual music; not necessarily "gospel". I allowed the presence of God to enter my dwelling and I could feel it, I felt comforted and loved. I think as I begin to incorporate all of these things simultaneously I will begin to see more of my desired results. By cooking which encourages me to eat healthier and exercise along with up keeping my spiritual practices, I know it's possible; mainly because that's what I did years ago to accomplish my desired goals. At that time my reasons for losing weight and toning up was solely inspired by vanity, I wonder sometimes why I was able to do it when my intentions weren't as pure as they are now; it was even "easy" then. I don't know if it's the affects of age or desire, but I feel as if this particular goal has been the biggest challenge of my adult life. I am working with my doctor to get my health on track and thankfully my mental health is where I want it to be; I feel nurtured and focused. After taking some time to reflect, I completed a tarot spread which was quite enlightening. The focus was about self: how you feel about yourself now, fears, goals, etc.. In my reading I pulled a few Pentacles, which from what I've read The suit of Pentacles is associated with the element Earth as well as the ego, self-esteem and self-image; most of what I began speaking of. The cards also spoke to my procrastination as well as my fear of being seen. Not seen in the sense of being physically seen by other people, but more so in my writing and sharing with other people; although that's the purpose of blogging. I feel a shyness, even in writing as if I am baring my soul at times and I don't want anyone to see it. I don't completely know how to break those habits which are possible sabotaging my higher self. On the other hand I feel as if things are aligning to pull me out of that. 

One of the cards literally says "Everything happens for a reason, so have faith that these changes are happening for your highest good". I suppose that's where patience comes in "trusting that this is where I need to be right now". As an Earth Sign, I tend to overthink things which then causes anxiety for me; which as a Capricorn (Sun Sign), I can be a bit pessimistic at times. Something that I've made a conscious effort to reform as I know that level of being does no serve me or my higher self. Which makes me wonder when or rather if it's possible to embody the concept of the higher self? or if that's something we're always striving for? At times I feel as if I am being my higher self then it fades, I'm studying to figure out how I can embody that part of myself and just be. One of the cards suggests that I am rebuilding from a loss and able to create what's to come as well as discard some old beliefs that no longer align with the person I am becoming. I find myself awake in the early morning and the main thing on my mind is self-awareness which in my opinion has to be accompanied with compassion and understanding. I feel as if over the years I've been rather hard on myself and I am noticing as I "lighten up" in regards to my expectations of myself I am beginning to see the results I've been obsessing over. 

Pink Floyd plays in the background as scents of vanilla and cannabis fills the room. I begin to feel my chakras, to the point I can sense which ones are balanced and which are not. I can feel the voids in my heart. I feel as if the energy of the approaching New Moon has "hit me like a slow bullet". Along with the anticipation of the Super Full Pink Moon at the end of the month. The vibration I feel throughout my body lets me know that I am sending light and positive energy to those chakras in need of balancing. Also reminding me that I need to pay more attention towards balancing them and keeping my aura and such in tune with my being. Meaning focusing on the whole self: Mind, Body and Soul; the thought that came to mind is how I compartmentalize in so many aspects of my life. It seemed to have spilled over into my spirituality, I've been so focused on connecting and in some areas repairing my relationship with God I tend to neglect myself in some ways. Since I deal with bipolar issues I pay a lot of attention to where I am mentally as well as emotionally. I've been doing well with my practices, concoctions and therapy sessions. I'm happy to be able to say that, especially with the past year I've had. Physically, I am doing better, reimplementing various lifestyle changes makes me believe I am on the right track. I think with time, effort and patience I will welcome myself, back to myself. I see it softly, but what I am talking about is the glow. Some days I can see it, however I am longing for the day that it just radiates at all times. Then my favorite song on the album comes on and I feel more in sync with my life. As I took a quick break to feed my social media addiction, the first photo I see on Instagram is my horoscope for the day which touches on nearly everything I've written about thus far. I also checked to see where the Moon was and lo and behold its in my Moon Sign of Aquarius. 

Which partially explain why I'm so in my feelings lately. I've been missing my Dad, but as crazy as it sounds I feel his presence at times; or I'll see him in a dream. The thing about grief is you never know when or how it'll hit you. I intend to schedule a session with my tarot reader later today and I am curious to see how much of what came up in my reading comes up in the session. It seems I am stressed, which was brought to my attention by eczema; I know some of the obvious reasons causing me stress, but it's whatever is underneath the surface that I need to be made aware of. I'm interested to learn what it may be so that I can repair whatever the cause is. I've been smoking for hours and my body feels relaxed, my mind clear and my soul is grateful. Yet I am in the mood to eat an edible I have in the freezer, we'll see where the morning takes us... For a moment I thought of going back to the beginning and editing some of the things I've shared, but I decided not to; I feel as if I've been raw with my thoughts and that's something I need to do more often. On the blogs as well as in real life, I have to overcome my shyness and live authentically. Another thing I'm working on: authenticity, I feel as if as the days go by I become more of my authentic self. Silencing my ego when necessary and living life as guided by my higher self. I close my eyes and see colors correlating to various chakras, letting me know energy is flowing through them. Anxiety has me up late, more like an eagerness for the day to begin. I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and continue to give time to self care, self love and whatever spiritual practices you participate in for your highest good.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

outlets

As I've written in previous post I am thankful to have various outlets to express myself; especially when I am going through things I find less than desirable. I'm all out of golden ticket (insert sad face here)  and I don't know when I'll have more, so I found my faithful blue dream and I realize that my troubles can wait a day. I enjoyed my Sunday and marveled at the Full Moon, which was so big and bright; I nearly missed it thinking it was something else. I blame the drugs; like Katt Williams says in one of his stand-up comedy shows, weed has an ingredient called "fuck it", today as I allowed the smoke to clear my mind I find myself a bit better than I've been all week. I let out a deep breath and thought "fuck these problems"; worrying has only made me feel worse, so in order to get my desired outcome I much change my mood and vibrate at a higher frequency. I believe that will help, changing my mindset about the problem altogether; like Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "you can not solve problems with the same level of thinking that created them". I spent a week in sadness, anxiety and despair yet while in that energy I was still able to follow up on leads and put myself in a somewhat better position than I was last weekend. 

On March 3, 2021 it's believed that Mars will enter the constellation Gemini which will lead to an activation of the Throat Chakra encouraging us to speak our truths and share our stories. An area that has come up quite often as of late; speaking my truth, even when I feel it may rub others the wrong way. I tend to steer clear of confrontations and conflict altogether, but at times it's all too necessary and it seems the Cosmos supports us in sharing our thoughts with one another as long as they are authentic, honest and true. I realized once another chakra opened that things were going to be a lot different in terms of my communication. I tend to hold things in, which is not good for a person with mental health issues however with prayer, meditations, a tarot reader and a therapist; I feel equipped to handle what I'm facing with a bit of a knowing that everything is working out for me. March 13, 2021, is a New Moon in Pisces which calls for us to trust our inner voice (higher self) while on March 15, 2021, Mercury enters Pisces which urges us to get out of our heads and into our hearts. Leading up to the Full Moon in Libra on March 28, 2021 believed to be a time of healing and transcendence. And with all planets direct until late April there should be less distractions to steer us off of our particular paths. 

I saw a tarot spread on an instagram page and it focused on organizing and balance which I found interesting; I can see things aligning for me, pointing me in the right directions as I sort out my issues. I am thankful to God for the insight to see these signs and symbols leading me out of what feels like a betrayal. I believe it's like I wrote in my last post distractions, I am at the point where I know I have to put my complete trust in God to see me out of my current circumstances. I would love for me to get to a place where I feel safe to relax in my faith without it being tested. There are times when I feel others may test us because we say we want to live a particular way or say we believe in certain things; while other times I wonder if it's the Universe? In this moment I want the test to be over and find security, safety and peace; more importantly for me stability. The other day I expressed being tired and although I don't mean physically I am not sure completely what I meant; I just know things that I am tired of dealing with which seems to be a running joke with the Universe. I find myself in a familiar situation and I am unsure of the lesson I was meant to learn since it's here again. The other day I told myself that I want to go to an alternate Universe where there is no suffering, hate or other low energy dilemmas to battle. Where life is good and the people can live freely without the way this current society seems to be.   

I know, wishful thinking; but at times like this I must lean on the positive side of things as a Capricorn (Sun sign) we are prone to be pessimistic by nature. It took me many years to move past that trait, some days I regress, but for the most part I tend to be more optimistic. I've become a "glass half full" type of person and most times that feels good, yet from time to time I feel as if some people prey on those types. I won't go further down that train of thought, but I will say sometimes I believe karma will handle all the misdeeds some have done. Maybe not in this lifetime or even to that person, I think that's where some "generational curses" (see Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9) may come into play. For the past few years I have felt more in tune with my Moon sign which is Aquarius, I don't know how that has been expressed, but it feels so different from my Capricorn ways of thinking and being. I've learned to embrace the differences and allow myself to experience life as it comes. I hope you have found or will find your outlets and use your voice to take up space in your life. Thats one thing I'm working on in the present time, speaking my truth and listening to my inner voice for continued guidance.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed

I was in the presence of the Full Moon for a few days  allowing myself to tap into my core self and analyze some thoughts as well as emotions. I sat under the Sky with music and marijuana, specifically Golden Ticket and Blue Dream strains; and at times I sat there in silence, meditating and praying. I felt a level of clarity that I know I grew into, understanding myself in a different light yet feeling connected to everything. I'm sure it had much to do with The Great Conjunction and all of the magical energy swirling around the atmosphere ever since. Along with the New Year and all of the hopes, dreams and opportunities in mind during such time. I've been anticipating the New Year for many months now; as I am learning my gifts I am at a space where I trust myself and my knowing of things a lot more than in previous years.

I was looking forward to the New Moon in Capricorn, from what I read it seems this New Moon is in alignment with many of my recent writings; such as acknowledging myself and my accomplishments as well as eliminating things which no longer serve my highest good. As I tapped into my thoughts I found an appreciation for 2020 that I feel may be a bit unusual; I feel as if 2020 allowed me to heal quite a few emotional and mental wounds as well as helped me see lessons learned and to accept the wisdom from going through everything this past decade brought with it. When I sit outside at night I feel as if the Moon understands these random thoughts and sends encouragement to me in various messages such as Angel Numbers, song lyrics, synchronicities and the like. A while ago I kept seeing 555, which I understand means big changes are on the way. I am beginning to see some of those changes while anticipating more to come. I then think of astronomy when the Moon and a few planets (Jupiter, Saturn and Mercury) will be visible in the night's sky. Times like this I look forward to the city reopening so I can attend a Public Star Party at Griffith Park, in Los Angeles.

 

I recently had a lovely reading with my tarot reader and followed it up with a reading of my own which to no surprise confirmed many of the things discussed. I feel energized with a renewed sense of determination, where I want to write out some new goals, hopes and dreams. I mentioned it a while back where I felt as if I was still learning my purpose and having a difficult time identifying goals. I felt as if my goals died with the change of my health while dealing with bipolar, depression and anxiety disorder. I am proud of the steps taken to ensure I maintain good health (emotionally, mentally, physically as well as spiritually). I've learned over the years how not to neglect these aspects of myself; in the past I've done that, focused too much on one part of myself leaving the rest to feel abandoned. That's one thing I wanted to heal for many years, my feelings of abandonment and neglect; I wanted to fill the void in that space and remind my inner child that she is loved, supported and capable of accomplishing whatever dreams her mind sets itself upon. There was a time when I would not think to tell myself how proud I am of me, that's not the case anymore. I've done quite a few things in the past few years that I've felt proud of and I wanted to ensure that beginning in 2021 I'd acknowledge that more. For example with a newfound commitment to my fitness journey. I feel a responsibility to myself to pay more attention to preventative measures. 

As my birth date approaches I have begun to take an introspective look at myself and perhaps write out details of the goals and projects I want to give more attention to. I've been making notes in my 2021 planner and setting deadlines for myself, this time much more realistic than in previous attempts. I think as I am made aware of myself at a certain age I realize the only way to get my desired results I have to be willing to push though rather than hoping for a way around what I know it takes to make a difference... I read a meme recently that said "Cannabis: the glue holding this shitshow together"; in this moment that's how I feel about what's going on in my life, not that it's exactly a shitshow, but there are things that are quite a mess and it seems since I have yet to retain a therapist and writing has slowed down a bit, I can relate. For the past month I've found myself preoccupied, actually a little longer than a month with thoughts and circumstances that were unavoidable. I've been able to talk some things out while others situations called for me to think them through completely and I am doing well at that. With the Moon in Pisces I feel introspective and emotional, in addition to the Moon being in the Crescent Phase;  I feel as if my intuitive senses and imagination are heightened. Understanding a bit more of myself as well as my physic gifts.

I've been reading tarot a lot more lately, finding it to be a fascinating hobby. I would like to find more people to do readings for so I can improve and enhance my gift(s); feeling as if me being my own reader I can interpret the cards however I want since I know myself and my circumstances. It feels as if any card can be understood in a special way because I can see where it applies in my life, but with someone else; I'll have to lean totally on my intuition and interpretation of the cards. While the Sun is in Capricorn (my Sun sign); I feel capable of doing anything I set my mind to, I feel disciplined and aware of new goals. I am happier than I've been in a long time and I am grateful for all of the many blessings I see in my life each day. There was a time when I was so jaded that I could not always find the beauty of the day. I am hopeful, which is also a emotion I have not always felt. I am appreciative of the lessons in 2020 as well as the "some odd" years of life has taught me. I am also looking forward to the wisdom which comes with becoming a year older. I attribute cannabis to this newfound joy I've written about in the past, it wasn't until I added cannabis to my lifestyle that I gained clarity, my intuition has developed and my mood has been stable (for the most part). Tonight I sat under the Moon, Stars and Planets while drinking cannabis infused coffee and I felt one with all there is. I felt a connectedness that I may have written about in previous expressions, but in this moment I do not remember. After drinking some of the coffee I lit some Golden Ticket or Golden Dream in my bowl and took a toke or a few, I then remembered the cannabis oil in my coffee and the edible I'd eaten earlier in the day. 

I feel as if I am floating in a psychedelic cloud, feeling all of my feelings and hearing all of my thoughts; I was able to get to the root of some of my emotions while unlocking a bit of creativity which enabled me to write. Something I haven't been able to do in over a month. In my tarot readings I've gotten The Empress about three times in a row;  and I am not fully clear on it's meaning as I've studied various "meanings" including the one attached. I feel the desire to do a reading for myself now, just to see which cards I pull and if The Empress is amongst them... In my impromptu reading for myself, the card that stuck out the most was The High Priestess which simply says to me to embody the Goddess within; and listen to my intuition, dreams and synchronicities. It's funny because I always try to do a reading centered around love and the cards don't seem to be aligned with the placement of that in my life at the moment; it seems. Well until today, I won't disclose the card, but what I understand, is a new love may be in the near future. Wouldn't that be interesting? I joined a group on Facebook and the other day someone asked, "do you think you're in the right place for a relationship...?" I thought to comment leaving my immediate thoughts to the question when I decided to think a little deeper into the question. I decided not to post my answer yet I find it interesting to get a card confirming my tarot reader's prediction that I would be meeting someone soon.

Since it's been a while since I've shared I wanted to catch up with what's been going on with me and how I've been coping with my mental health issues in the midst of a pandemic. As I've shared before, I hope you all are taking the necessary time and attention needed for your mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, etc health. Take it from me, life without mental health issues can be taken for granted and changed in a blink of an eye. Oh, what I'd give to have my old life back; I'd like to think I would have grown at the same pace or quicker without the onset of depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders. I try not to ride that train of thought too often or for too long because hindsight is full of woulda, coulda, shoulda's. The other day I experienced a remote energy cleanse and I could feel the energy clearing so heavily that. one of my crystals broke. Initially I was heartbroken until I researched it and found a site which says when a crystal brakes it means it's served it's purpose for my time with it. Interestingly enough it was a rose quartz which is understood to be the crystal of unconditional love, carrying feminine energy which falls in line with the empress and the high priestess tarot cards. I feel as if I've released a ton of energy that no longer serves me concerning love, being loved and unconditional love. Like I've said before, it's fascinating how all of these aspects come together and answers questions only God and the Universe knows you've asked.

I am looking forward to my birth date; which is in less than 24 hours away, although due to covid I do not have any plans. I feel as if even though this isn't a milestone age; I feel blessed for so many reasons. As the music plays I feel as if the distractions I've felt lately are slowly melting away. I'm realizing I've had marijuana in three different forms yesterday; each creating it's own sensations from my pineal gland to my heart and inner mind. I've been seeing the number 222 often as well; that just popped in my mind because as I understand 222 means "you're on the right path" in addition to the need for balance, trust and faith. I believe it all makes complete sense how astrology, astronomy numerology and the supernatural come together to tell a story and if we are able to decode it our lives are made a bit easier to navigate. I pray we all tune into our intuitive side and see life through the third eye as Source may have intended. I would say that's a whole other course of thought; so I'll leave that there and call it a night.

Kamille 💗✨

Venus on Display: New Beginnings

As of late I’ve been adjusting to various changes in my life; including my mental health treatment strategies. After discontinuing my meds for a while I decided it was time to lower my dosage while micro-dosing medical marijuana, which brings me to my recent concoction: Blackwater, Black Jack, Mimosa, Sherberry Pie and Sour Diesel all of which cause various effects that I’m growing accustomed to. Many of the strains mentioned produce happiness, euphoria and uplifting effects; which are wonderfully a part of my current state of mind. 

Over the years with mental illnesses I’ve learned a lot about marijuana and how it helps me balance my emotions and such. One thing I did not expect from this cocktail has been a major enhancement to my ability to focus as well as create. For about 5 years I smoked sativa later preferring hybrids, which to me is good for the various conditions I face. I suppose there are many ways to think of marijuana as well as the philosophy associated with why a person partakes. Mine is a bit on the spiritual side as I often meditate before, during and after. 

Another thing that has really kept me in tune with myself has been my love for astrology and astronomy; especially the Moon. While at the beach several times this week I realized I hadn’t seen the Moon in quite some time, I then remembered that the Moon has been void for some time now; soon entering her New Moon phase. Which I find a bit bittersweet because although she’s still active in her role in the Universe she’s out of sight. I refer to the Moon as “she” or “her” due to the belief that the Moon harnesses divine feminine energy. I feel in synch with the Moon, I have for a very long time (see Summer Moon’s) I can’t quite put into words how my being is anticipating the energy of the upcoming New Moon, not completely knowing what to expect, especially with various planets in retrograde. 

I feel an awakening of sorts approaching; or perhaps my knowledge of said awakening means it’s already on the horizon. Due to insomnia I hadn’t realized I’ve been massaging my third eye for days now; so of course something is bound to activate... I took a break from writing this post to recharge and allow inspiration to give me the words to finish, when I was reminded of the Lion’s Gate Portal occurring August 8, 2020. With ascension symptoms along with insomnia I am feeling the energy on a larger scale than usual. I feel as if I’m recognizing aspects of myself for what seems to be the first time, however its all too familiar; possibly from a past life. 

I’m excited for all this time has to offer as far as enlightenment, alignment and creativity. I am hopeful for the possibilities of so many good things to occur.  I hope we all get the codes and other information necessary for ascension. I feel my chakras opening, some have been blocked for a while. I also feel as if I’m learning differently; it’s as if many of life’s lessons finally make sense to me. I believe that has also lead to my state of happiness, letting go of the things which no longer serves me while envisioning my purpose here on Earth; something I truly wish to embody along my current journey. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

also:

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 2

Retrogrades, Natal Charts and My Being

“Surround yourself with the things you love. Discard the rest.” 

Kate Spade

I feel as if I’ve had a rebirth of sorts, with Saturn Pluto Jupiter Neptune and Chiron in retrograde I’ve taken some time to revisit the meanings and effects of each. As I was reminded of some things I discovered why I’ve been feeling the way I have regarding matters of my heart, health and spirituality. I’ve also been studying my natal/ birth chart which seems to feel like the first time each time I read it. As I’ve learned the different aspects of myself I’ve learned to expect positive experiences when retrogrades occur. I wrote recently about not recalling the steps I took to lead me out of depression and into happiness and the above quote helped a lot. I started outward with candles and decorating then moved within to my thoughts and intentions. I devoted myself to the philosophy of self-love and self-care. 

I began to nurture my inner child and re-examine the voids or areas of neglect which created certain behavior and expectations. I can see my growth and it encourages me to continue along this journey back to my self. With my ruling planet in retrograde I’ve felt an intense energy to redefine boundaries, however with other aspects of my birth chart I can feel myself expanding and figuring out parts of me I couldn’t quite explain. For example: it’s my Venus in Pisces which “privately has a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood” according to its placement in my chart composed by Cafe Astrology.  Along with my Moon in Aquarius which to me explains my sometimes bratty behavior and wishy washy approach to things I find meaningless or boring. Knowing that about myself and my love for astronomy and astrology helps me keep myself in check; by staying in tune with the happenings of the Cosmos.

I then checked my “self-talk” to see what I’m thinking, what I’m saying to myself and how I choose to express that. I began truly surrounding myself with things, words and expressions of love. I suppose that may be what caused my heart to desire it as it has. Although I am still working on my fitness and body goals I have come to accept the current reality while envisioning the way I see myself, physically. Taking each moment “in the now” has helped tremendously. I realized while I was preoccupied with my mental, spiritual and financial health I’d neglected my physical health to an extent. Now that I’ve relocated I am able to walk at the beach, hike and enjoy other activities I was “deprived” of, in a sense. I feel as if I’m going to burst into the woman of my dreams and I am excited to do the “work” to make that happen. 

I guess my happiness is an extension of that: self-care, self-love and positive self-talk; at least that is what seemed to work for me. I hope you are finding the current state of the Cosmos enlightening and a time to review and possibly reimagine your desires. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨

Retrograde's, Summer Wind's & the Moon

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

Meister Eckhart

One thing I've learned has been to trust new beginnings, giving them room for something different; hopefully something better to occur in my life. I've learned that although some things may look similar to something in the past it is also a chance to put all of the "lessons learned" to use; as well as embrace a new experience. I think with so much of my focus on things causing nostalgia it's great to look forward to things, setting new goals and leaving self open to evolving or being enlightened. I think that's what I'm looking forward to in the present moment; chances to be enlightened along this new journey I find myself on. 

Lately, there have been plenty of earthquakes near my area, add to that the recent Solar Eclipse, several planets in retrograde and the approaching Lunar Eclipse in the coming weeks. All of that feels like a new life to me, I often joke about living so many lifetimes; I mean, I even feel like this present life I'm living feels new every so often. Some events seem like they happened in a different life, like the saying goes "I was a totally different person then". In a sense I'm feeling as if this entry should be on the other blog as it feels like an excerpt from the statement "...a girl; evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming; a woman.". I feel as if the girl I once was has communicated with the woman I am becoming to say it's time to move forward to something else. I know this is a result of many therapy sessions, tarot readings and meditations/ prayers, nevertheless I will admit to being a bit scared to dive into the next phase, especially with so much going on in the cosmos.  Which reminds me of the phrase "the show must go on" such is life; no matter what, it goes on.

Recently, I thought again of writing a book; I don't know why that feels overwhelming, yet I feel as if some of the things I am afraid to say on the blogs would be better shared that way. The thought is I'd have more room to expound rather than my sometimes vague entries on here. Which is mainly because I don't like the posts to be unnecessarily long (and some of us know how I feel about oversharing). I figure I'll add that to my list of goals and complete it in parts so that I am not discouraged. The trouble comes with the thought "I don't know where to begin" I suppose the answer will reveal itself once the appropriate time comes. 

Back to the cosmos, I feel an unfamiliar pull into uncertainty; I can't seem to describe the feeling or emotions associated with it. I believe with my ruling planet, Saturn, retrograde in my Sun sign, Capricorn the effects for me may be a bit heightened; however I don't know enough about it to go further. With that being said, I find myself at a crossroads; regarding how to focus completely on the future when Mercury (and many other planets are) retrograde which calls for us to reflect, revisit and such. I am unsure how my nostalgic thoughts will express themselves while I'm attempting to move forward. I guess that's where the uncertainty comes in...

While taking a quick break from writing (this entry) I stumbled across my horoscope for today; here's an excerpt:

"Life is not a race; it's an experience. There is no need to rush from one adventure to another, trying to fill your days with action! Today, stop your engines and cool your jets, because if you don't, you could be missing out on something subtle but wonderful in your life..."

Maybe that's the answer; not letting go of nostalgia, but rather embrace it at this present time in an attempt to remember, reflect, readjust my goals/ dreams and if possible reconnect. I truly believe there's something to be said about how astrology, astronomy and our daily lives intertwine. The other day a supporter on my Instagram page asked "what sparked your passion for astrology?" and my answer goes back to when I began studying my natal chart and finding so much information and insight about my personality as well as various aspects I'd never thought about. Add to that, how astrology ties into astronomy which I love. I've been a lover of the Moon for many years, decades now which I wrote about it in an entry titled: Summer Moons. I love the energy I feel as the Moon travels through her cycles and how my mind, body, soul and spirit reacts to her, divine feminine energy; it's astounding!

My hope is to come through this retrograde, eclipse season a better, more evolved, enlightened soul; with a better or should I say a deeper knowledge of my purpose and journey. I pray the same for you; taking the necessary time to relax, reflect and see what is and what no longer serves us and how to transcend the frequency we were once at while embracing the vibration the new Earth is bringing forward. I noticed I said "forward" a lot of times in this entry; I think that's because I am super ready and excited to see what this next chapter of my life holds for me. I hope on some level you can relate or strive to be in that place, the place of magic and manifestation. I pray we all learn something special about our beings during this time as each planet's retrograde holds within it answers to questions we may or may not have asked ourselves or God in prayer.

As I ran a few errands I saw a number which spoke to me so I looked it up on the Angel Numbers App* I use often; so this is what it said (notice the "Angel Power Words"):

What Number "456" Means:


The resulting total number is #6:It is an important time to nurture yourself on all levels. Eating healthy food, drinking ample water and sleeping well, will assist you to maintain a healthy body. Creating a peaceful ambience will also nurture your soul. The Angels recommend bringing harmony to your environment with beautiful flowers, music and crystals.

Your Angel Number contains an ascending number pattern. The messages contained within your 'Total Angel Number' are amplified 100 fold. This is a call to pay attention big time!

Angel Power Words:New Direction

Your Angel Number also contains #56:You may feel like things have been very up and down lately and that you have barely been putting one foot in front of the other. During this time however you have learned many valuable lessons and skills which have resulted in you becoming a very resilient person. Rest assured now that the Angels are guiding you to a much easier road up ahead.

Your Angel Number also contains #45:Call on Archangel Michael when you need extra courage to make changes in your life. Archangel Michael is ready to lead you in a new direction which will bring you to a blissful haven. Breathe deeply and know that you can do it!

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This truly makes my heart smile; very often after I choose to post my thoughts I'll get a confirmation from the Universe in (at times) subtle ways which translates to me as saying "keep doing and sharing what you are". I think that is one of the biggest compliments I receive; along with the comments in various Instagram posts saying you can relate or it's what you're going through or something you needed. Those sentiments mean more to me than I can put into words. Thank you!

Blessings 💗✨

Kamille

*the angel number app in the link is for iOS; I am not sure if the app with the same name on Google Play is infact the same app; please make note and search as necessary for the right app for you.

In Orbit

With nearly every planet in retrograde (Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years...

Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud", I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows", thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once were.

As I said, I don't know what happiness looks like to me anymore because the time when I was truly happy, everything has been "taken away"; not as if the things were the source of happiness, but in my mind the looks of things inside and out were as I'd envisioned them to be. I suppose you can say as I intended to manifest them, and the people in my life at the time who I cared deeply for either betrayed me or our relationship has morphed into something either nonexistent or drastically unfamiliar. I feel alone, lonely even, but on the outside looking in I should be happy, I should be so many things, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I even began a few of my favorite hobbies such as horse riding while discovering newfound skills and dare I say talents in the form of painting. Yet, outside of those occasions I feel a bit lost.

In an exercise in therapy I realized I've been engulfed in the emotion of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake it, not for the time within the past 7 years, but for times many Moon's ago when I believe I could've made different decisions in an attempt to manifest alternative outcomes. Then I think of "The Butterfly Effect" and how possibly if anything had changed in the course of this journey things may have turned out far worse than what actually occurred. Although I refuse to entertain the thoughts of "what if..." I can't seem to help going down the rabbit hole in my dreams, thinking of certain people who have passed on or revisiting monumental times in other relationships and wondering had I said the things I felt or truly meant at that time would the circumstances have changed for the better? Which only leaves me more puzzled once I awake.

With all that I have managed to remain in a space of thankfulness, gratitude and hope; hoping for better days ahead, possibly a new love for life and such. Until then I take each day as they come, some good, some not so good and others that are just blah so I choose to sleep them away. Maybe I need to truly ask myself, what does happiness look like now?

Not too long ago I attempted to reimagine the nostalgic moments as sentimental and allowing them to hold a special space in my heart as they always have, but without the yearning for them to be once again. The attempt was short-lived... I had to ask myself "how is your heart?" and in that moment I could not put it into words; I no longer feel as heartbroken as I once did, but I don't know what these feelings are, since I've never felt them before. It feels a bit of what I imagine possibility feeling like or even anticipation of what's to come.

I don't know what's next so enters anxiety; ever-present to remind me of how little control I actually have over my life yet understanding the philosophy that we all create our reality I am uncertain, mainly because I no longer have a vision for my future in the traditional sense of: married with a house full of children and the like. As a woman of a certain age I've decided instead to focus on my self, my son, my fur babies and my businesses. Some days I feel as if that's enough while other days I feel as if that would leave me quite dissatisfied. Damn bipolar, makes me wonder what is the truth?!?

Some days I feel as if certain relationships ran their course and due to mental illnesses I tried to hold them hostage as a way of maintaining a part of my self which was pre-disorders. On one hand I believe that was the case yet on the other hand I am haunted by the memories of when times were "good" while trying to patiently await more good times. I suppose time will tell.