feeling red [lights out]

Associated with the root chakra, I tend to think of aggression when the color red is mentioned. In reality [well, the illusion of reality here within the Milky Way Galaxy] its about survival, grounding, and sustainability. Red also brings thoughts of darkness in aspects of myself I have yet to travel to. 

There is the majority of myself who identify as Pink yet my entirety is Black. I tend to allow my intuition to inform me of the narrative for encounters with others however, the imp I know as my psychic abilities has a cleaver way of alerting me to interesting happenstances as they relate to the many lives I've lived. This time has become special, as I have been introduced to various Ancestors with love, support, care, and encouragement. 

I recall a conversation at a party with my younger cousins a while ago, we were in the "smoking section" away from the other guests. I was on my phone reading various undergraduate assignments and other googles as conversations were taking place; until the topic of the zodiac entered the chat. At which time I expressed how we all have aspects of the other signs therefore, embracing them and finding the parts that resonate allows us to be well- rounded individuals- rather than solely what your Sun sign is [stereotypically] known for. Interestingly enough I have a lot of Earth placements [Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo] at my time of birth.

The calculations of my natal chart often make me laugh, suddenly it makes perfect sense. The amount of Virgo in relation to the other signs with the exclusion of three specific ones. One being Cancer [my joke is that it's not in my chart and no longer in my body] as I am in remission from breast cancer since early 2025. The other is my brother's sign and lastly, the sign of a freckled faced crush from childhood. My Sun and Mercury being in Capricorn was strategically placed by the hands of God. Understanding my placements along with spiritual gifts, abilities, and other components that make up my essence leaves me in love.

The way I've shied away from the color Red, while showering myself with Pink; I realize was to balance the Black in one concept of modern society; as a child born in 1980, Earth already resembled the pit of Hell. Only to provide the playbook in media, specifically film where movies like Back to the Future literally showing what would happen should an administration similar to our current one have the "power" to oppress everyone without consequences.

It wasn't until it was time to leave for an errand that I realized the emotion of feeling orphaned on Earth. The way in which I express myself is commonplace where I am from, others who share my sense of Being are rather limited or perhaps, far in proximity within the confines of distance, time, and the human form. 

Back to the darkness, I've located my heart. 

The vodka told me where she was hiding, the hesitance of acknowledging a "mission complete" is the allusive way in which she'll run again. Smoke fills the air along with the frequency of rap music, mostly from the ladies as I find it motivational while I am writing. Also acknowledging the current heartbreak* as I admit to myself the current situation with the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy, as I came to terms with the reality of facts as our time has ended and most likely I will never hear from or see them again. Which brings me to soul contracts- as I am petitioning for them to remain aloof as they seem to be content with the decisions made thus far [in this lifetime] as many things are being settled with this incarnation.

Heart-shaped, like a specific cherry I've seen in the past. Perhaps that's why the color red brings such mixed feelings. Pink is simply a mixture of Red and White, the hue differs based on the amount of either color in the concoction. The cherry of my choice is in relation to the saying "the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice", then I think of myself...

I bathe in sugar, particularly sugar scrubs [even finding a scrub for my lips] I have a sacred nickname between myself and my Grammie in relation to sugar and Southern concepts of endearment. I thought to share it then reminded myself as to way I have chosen to protect it and the space in which I hold it near to my true heart.

Many decades ago when I stumbled upon my unique spiritual journey; or should I say assignments? I thought of the person I was reacting as, then I thought, should I die and an autopsy is done, how disgusting would my soul be?

I began refining myself in a way which formed a special bond with God [Infinite Intelligence] now knowing when I connected and remained so throughout the decades from when it began. To remember everything and attempt to connect with others in healthy, human, communicative expressions has been the loneliest thing I've ever had to endure. Society today is far from what I expected us as a collective would allow to occur. The feelings associated with heartbreak are familiar as in some parts of my mind I knew things would regress, but never that it would be this unrecognizable.

Red sounds like passion, desire, longing, yearning, and a type of love I never knew until the end of Summer last year. The way I felt sexy, I was vulnerable in ways that astonished even myself, and I was my most honest- sharing the parts of myself I often keep to myself out of protection for the other party. The fire breathing, no- nonsense, ambitious, combination of Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo, Libra and Scorpio placements; I can feel when they ignite within my blood and bones as an active Volcano or simply the lava boiling over. 

The Pink represents my love yet my heart is dark; think if I were Morticia and Wednesday Addams as my own mother and self duo. As much as I relate to feminine, girly things the darkness, wittiness, and intelligence of the humor I gravitate to in addition to the way in which I love. My fantasy is of a blended love like Morticia and Gomez [The Addams Family] with aspects of Boris and Natasha [Rocky and Bullwinkle] the displays of love, admiration, affection, shared ambition while remaining romantic, enduring, and from my interpretation showcasing a healthier  relationship than any I've witnessed beyond the 1990s.

To recognize the colors within my heart would be as if imagining the city during Christmas, but during the wee hours when most of the lights are out and it's simply the Moon, street lights, and Christmas decorations. What I realized earlier was that my sparkles are showing in a concentrated way as it is suffocating to be seen so closely. The dedication, determination, and stick-to-it-ness I have found has begun showing results seen throughout the Universe. 

As my heart aches, I must admit to having more than one. One hurts in a way of desire of the intimate kind another aches for the affection in nonsexual ways while some, according to past relationships maintain the notion that I am too intense [paraphrasing] so it's easier to deal with someone less complicated; I suspect. In a way I am giving up on receiving the type of love I yearn for in this realm, dimension, lifetime... So, I've begun the contracts for my next lifetime, whenever it should find me.

With that said, I know I do not wish to encounter the baby Dragon again in any capacity, in any lifetime after this one yet with the "Tough Guy" I was torn. The love I felt for him remains in remnants of what it once was yet distance and silence has allowed the Ice Queen to re-emerge; with the intensity of Lilith awakened from within- and being honest with myself I am intrigued by her. The idea of pouring my heart out to someone with the level of vulnerability, humility, transparency and belief of the sacred union shared has been met with indifference, hostility, neglect and abandonment; I believe it to be unwise to allow the same person the opportunity to display patterns of behavior with unpredictable timing -based on their own whims, internal turmoil, as well as their desire for comfort and domination over me. Which brought to mind a quote from William Shakespeare which states, "Never play with the feelings of others, because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time"  [without emotional intelligence and proper communication to allow for a mutual decision for next steps within the understanding of said "relationship"] as I am embracing 2026, I've made a list. It isn't gender specific yet I have a short list of characteristics I find to be most important to the woman I have become.

2025 exposed many silent enemies and those who obviously sent ill- will and other such undesirable energy resulting in the realization of many characteristics dormant -as I was unaware of within myself- yet awaiting this time in my life. However, the same year awakened generational strength, bravery, determination, and courage only the Ancestors of those of us who are Indigenous to Earth will comprehend. I found myself being initiated into a sacred understanding lead within Infinite Intelligence and those who've lived since the dawn of time. As I experienced the most challenging semester to date since returning to undergrad in 2022. Between underwhelming professors, foolish mind games from "family" members with a twisted fetish for disharmony and underhanded support which only shows the hatred, envy, jealousy and inadequacy projected onto others [regardless of ability] in my opinion, these types would rather complain, pocket watch and count the success of another than use their God given mind to add value to society.

As my birthday approached I found myself shifting in a way that seemed more balanced as a woman healing inner child wounds created primarily from same sex "caregivers" and "friends" while the majority of the men in my life are upstanding, brilliant, compassionate, and overall amazing human beings. My Grammie and a handful of grandaunts and a sprinkle of cousins, have been role models for the woman I've envisioned myself growing into from my youth. As I face challenges I may disclose much later in life once they have been conquered, I have awakened the beast of the giants living within my bloodline. The idea of the men who shaped the woman I am, as well as Ancestors of honorable and admirable men and women has allowed the mindset of a warrior to emerge from the ashes of bridges I do not feel a way about burning.

There was a time when I'd feel defeated or as if I needed to go outside of myself for strength, support, wisdom or some type of encouragement; these days I realize how along the way I've received poor guidance to the point of too many unnecessary hardships to count throughout my life [thus far]. As a girl I did not know there was a choice, therefore I was under the impression that a girl was to be with her mother, unfortunately those in positions of mother figures were the cause of various mental, emotional, financial and other forms of abuse, neglect and intellectual abandonment. Had I known I did not have to be under the confines of my gender I would have chosen my father. The silver lining of it all is although I did not grow up in a house where my father was present daily, he raised me with the understanding that whether I see someone daily or not, their presence lives in my heart and soul, as love transcends the physical.

Today, I reconsider how I'd like to spend my days; recognizing myself as a motherless child in addition to a childless mother...

Confusing? 

I know, but to be rejected, neglected and abandoned by my mother and my only living child created a regression into a space of depression I recognize from a young age. Yet in this moment, I do not give a fuck about any of that! 

The child I birthed over twenty six years ago is no longer my responsibility as he resides with his paternal family and the portal I chose based on the relationship with my father is no longer an obligation to do anything with**. I am truly an empty nest, unmarried [in terms of the earthly recognition of the union], childless, vessel of The Most High; on Earth to enjoy a human experience, which is not tied to any other with that I would like to clarify that includes you all as you have been with me along this journey of self- actualization, discovery, turmoil, joy, pain, and everything in between- as many of you have been along the ride since The World Outside My Window...

I will admit to beginning this expression some time in 2025 yet here we are within the first days of the Summer Solstice, I have returned to the beach cities and made peace with the absence of the baby Dragon and the Tough Guy. As I've become engulfed within the initiation of my truest calling, I have reconnected with my first love in a way that has been overwhelming at times. I have been hesitant to fully acknowledge it as it is in a realm or dimension I do not fully understand yet the love we share is so intense I am reminded of our last encounters. The times we met in the dream state when he was alive and even more the times we met there after his transition. To know a love that truly transcends time, space, the physical and the logical or should I say- rational mind? I know that the reminder of this life is for assignments, gathering wisdom, sharing my interpretation of a human experience and whatever Thee Most High asks me to do, but my eternal Love awaits me in the afterlife. Like to quote that rapper "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" in terms of this humanness with limitations, boundaries, and other such confines that only exist here.

This makes the days and nights a particular type of bittersweet as it does not feel good to be saddened, lonely, misunderstood or disadvantaged within a society however, like the songs say "trouble don't last always". I suppose this era is in the red, but not in the ways of financial lingo. In the red as in recognition, acceptance and the truth of my Vampire ways blended neatly within the other whimsical, mystical, magical and free spirited ways God allows my creative, imaginative thoughts to form and express themselves within the covenant we share. Understanding the roles of my Angels, Spirit Guides, Ancestors and others who allow me to connect toward our common goals. The beautiful aspect I have discovered is in doing "The Lord's Work" I have come to know that it includes my goals, dreams, visions, aspirations and such just as well.

I suppose the "lights out" aspect of the title would include the darkness within, where there is mystery, allure, magic, unknown yet ancient powers at work that the world has long forgotten about. To think the beginning of existence resides within a mere 2,000 or so years and the knowledge [or rather artificial intelligence running rampant within this realm and dimension is all there is, makes me shake my head at the audacity and arrogance] I suppose I long for the days of ole when we truly knew and connect with God, not in a religious ways or performative, falsehoods pretending to be something we lack capacity for; but on a Soul level of being. 

The other day I experienced an encounter with a female [I shy away from labeling it with a woman due to the nature of the confrontation] where I was in conversation with others and was confronted by something I shared as far as identifying as a Goddess- the long and short of the agitation was in being told I was judgmental and other I suppose insults. At the same venue, with another female; the exchange was prolonged yet resulted in an expression of physical displays of disdain. I was able to laugh off the exchanges and continue with my conversations yet as I reflect briefly I am a bit confused as well as in awe of the response to the commitments I have made within myself and God. As I express various ideas and lived experiences with you all to see how my presence has seemed to effect others in a way of showcasing displays of malfunctions or glitches within the matrix we find ourselves in happening in real time.

When I think of it that way, I suppose it actually makes sense as I have referenced being the "Sonny" to Will Smith's character in the film "iRobot" along with the joke of being "blunt because God rolled me that way". All in all, with the blessings, guidance and support of my Ancestors along with my Spiritual Husband I have decided to be kinda outside this Summer. I have one academic year left before the Graduation festivities and planning next steps.

I wish you all have fun, safe, happy and healing Summer and I will make an effort to write, share and publish more as I have some time to reflect and unwind before Fall semester 😎

purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time

on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...

Mysteries Of My Heart

" I am my own muse, I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to know better.” 

Frida Kahlo

Oftentimes, I find inspiration from within; usually from a song lyric or a quote. Times like now, I was writing on the other blog and I "lost" the inspiration to complete and share the entry. I felt as if I were rambling especially with the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Pisces (at the time) along with the Full Moon approaching. I was awakened by the itch of eczema on my hands and after applying the necessary creams and oils the itch was relieved, however, now I can't sleep. So I decided to write out some thoughts and see where they lead.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of tarot readings for myself and the results have been extremely accurate. At one point it seemed as if the cards were quoting my blog entries verbatim; which was not surprising the way that I've been experiencing synchronicities and seeing angel numbers. I suppose with the Moon now in Aries, I'm feeling a bit restless and I am not completely sure why that is. Another thing I've been doing has been massaging my third eye; then I indulged in a strain called "Golden Dream" and that it is, I've had the most vivid dreams even seeing loved ones who have passed on. As I said on an instagram post, I felt the sensation of tingles up my spine until they reached my brain and began massaging each part. I will admit, that doesn't happen often; but with a true sativa I'll get that effect which is quite delightful. Which reminds me of the following quote:"Enter the ruins of your heart, and learn the meaning of humility. Close both eyes and see the mysteries of your inner eye."- Rumi.

I feel as if I've entered a different part of myself and perhaps that's why the other post needed a break as I merged the parts of myself from the ruins of my heart and the mysteries of my inner eye. At times, as a Capricorn (Sun sign) it is difficult to understand the workings of my heart, seeing how I'm usually "in my head". I think that's why I've had much difficulty in searching for the desires of my heart, past writing. I think it's the safest thing to share on here, that I desire to write; which seems self explanatory. My other desire is to know myself, to the point I study my natal chart often and even looked up the phase of the Moon at my time of birth to gain more insight. Outside of that I draw a blank, searching for meaning or purpose especially when getting to know more about soul contracts and such. I have many questions on that topic yet no one to discuss it with; I figure the answers will come to me in the appropriate time so I take my thoughts to other places.

Recently, I've been cleansing my heart; focusing on past hurts and heartbreaks and releasing them. Releasing the feelings and emotions connected to those experiences which are no longer for my highest good. I feel a bit lighter, reconciling those feelings took a lot of energy, but it felt like the right time to let it all go. In freeing that space I hope to learn more about what makes my heart beat. I think I want to know what else my heart desires past the two things mentioned above, then I think of love...

I think that's the topic I avoid on the blog, although I feel as if I share my personal life; I know I keep much of my self to myself. I feel as if I may have lost sight of my passion, I am not sure what I am passionate about. I used to be passionate about my health and fitness, a lover, my career and such, I suppose as those things came to an end I misplaced my passion for things. I don't know if I am as passionate as I should be about my heart's desires which may be why I found it difficult to tap into those things. In this moment I feel as if a desire of my heart is to be in love, I feel as if I'm overflowing with love to give and receive in return. I'm beginning to feel as if I am finally ready to take my tarot readers advice and truly open myself to the possibility of meeting someone new. I don't recall the last time I felt this way or if I ever have, but sharing this with you all will assist in it's manifestation. I am not in a rush for this to happen, but I am looking forward to it. Now I'm sitting here listening to music and waiting for this edible to kick in, still no sleep in sight. Part of me thinks if I get in bed and turn the lights and music off I may drift off to sleep while the other part of me doubts that would be the case. 

I did just that; as I laid there in silence I thought of many things to share, but as I drifted off to sleep they were lost in my dreams. Another day passes and the thought of love is still heavy on my mind. Perhaps its the approach of the winter season that's got me feeling this way, or maybe it's just the way the stars have aligned. I felt a clarity after the Full Moon came and went; as if there were blockages which needed to be released with my affirmations and mantras. I feel as if expressing these thoughts in such a public way I am co-creating with the Universe that which I am discovering to be my passions and desires. I am looking forward to learning this aspect of myself and excited to see things unfold and how much I will share with you all...

Then I saw a quote that pretty much sums it all up-

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring"- Oscar Wilde

Transparency: Dreams, Desires and My Thoughts

 “Every human heart cries and yearns for the same thing: a chance to fulfill his or her own dreams and desires...” Myles Munroe

Still buzzing from the concoction of marijuana strains in my system I thought of various hopes, dreams and ideas I have as well as projects I am working on and I began to wonder is my heart truly yearning or crying for these things to manifest? I feel silly posing that question, because I know that it does; and has been for quite some time. The heaviest is to write a book, however the direction has changed multiple times since the original idea came to mind. I find myself sitting in front of the computer, overwhelmed with thoughts of where and how to begin. I thought to focus on one chapter at a time, but I still feel as if I need direction. I may have mentioned it in a previous post about my recent reading with my tarot reader, where he told me I need to stop second guessing myself and trust myself more than I do currently. I suppose that's how this entry began, I didn't ponder on if I felt like writing or what I'd say, I just let my fingers take control and we'll see what comes.

I began having lucid dreams for quite some time; very vivid dreams to the point of experiencing deja vu on a few occasions. I've been listening to oldies and thinking of simpler times, songs by Nina Simone, Pink Floyd, Gil Scott-Heron, Etta James and Aretha Franklin top the list. I've been enjoying the days more, not as bored as I've been in the previous months. I believe by changing my perspective I have come to embrace the quiet days and nights, realizing that drama and dismay are dysfunctional and should not be expected as normal. I think because of film and television programing we are always looking for the plot to twist or a villain and real life should not be that way. As someone who has fallen victim to betrayal, sabotage and the like; I do understand how life can feel like you're in a movie or soap opera, however those times don't, or should I say shouldn't outweigh the blessings and wisdom each day brings. Interestingly enough many of the betrayals and sabotage lead to much better outcomes than what was presenting itself to begin with. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", mainly because we often overlook red flags and warnings as we are made aware of them. When I was betrayed, by a couple of people I knew it was not out of their character to do such things, I just thought they wouldn't do those things to me. I found the lesson in that and made sure to heed to the red flags, warnings, "gut feelings", etc. Although many of those people are not apart of my life there is one that I still interact with on occasion, but now I know to maintain my boundaries and not feed into the triggers which would cause the same reactions as in the past.

I realize I don't share my dreams with other people, aside from my desire to write a book I keep everything under wraps to protect my vision for what I have in my heart to create. I no longer fear oversharing on the blog as I once did, I feel as if I've learned from the other blog what to share and what may be for my private journal, I guess only time will tell if that's the case. I think back to my teenage years and even my twenties when my desires and dreams were much different; I've let go of the dream of having several children, I've made peace with the fact that it just wasn't in the cards for me in this lifetime. I then focused on my career and where I thought I'd be within that company, as I am now retired, I had to re-envision my life and how I wanted things to manifest and I'm still working on that part, because I used to see myself a particular way, but without more children, a husband and a "regular" job I find myself battling societies programming on the role of today's woman. I don't fit any modes, I don't think I ever have. With an adult child, life is a bit different than it is for those with children at home; at least for me; so I try to fill up my days being productive and finding the "silver lining" to life's curve balls and day to day happenings. The other day I thought of a time when I wanted more children or when I had "baby fever", which usually didn't last too long. I thought to myself, or maybe it was an impromptu prayer where said I wanted to have more children in my next lifetime, that is if I return as a woman. I think I'd like to live a traditional life, I feel as if I may never have, I know for sure this life has been everything but traditional.

I often think of how I'll grow older and where I'll be; I used to see myself on the porch in a swing watching the Sun set with a beverage and a joint. Usually with a partner; these days I don't see that very clearly, I don't know what to expect as I grow older, but I am enjoying my life now as a lady of a certain age. I intend to travel more, write more, take up new hobbies; like, photography and painting. I know things didn't turn out the way they normally do, yet I need to revisit where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I think I've desired things to do for so long I have yet to figure out my deepest desires for my whole self. As a child I thought the path was to finish school, find a career, marry and have children; a few of those steps got out of whack so I rolled with them. I now realize that life may not have put me on the path I find myself on during this journey in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I don't regret not getting married and I no longer regret not having more children. I just don't know what to do with myself at times since a woman's life is usually centered around others and not herself. I feel as if I need to look deeper within and find the things I'm yearning for with only myself in mind. I want to dream new goals to realize and watch them manifest before my eyes. 

Lately, I thought my heart yearned for another person and that I was longing for our circumstances of which we are not together to change. I later realized I need to put that on the back burner and give this time to myself; to accomplish the short-term goals I've set. I used to wonder about the purpose of meeting certain people or why those people are in my life; I still do on occasion, but not as much as before. I find myself re-living particular situations and wishing I could go back and do things differently; now when I think about that person I tell myself to find something else to do. I don't think anything good will come from it at this time. Again, my tarot reader had much to say about this and my approach, but it's working for me thus far so I don't see a reason to do anything differently; at least not yet. I've adopted a philosophy where I want to leave people better off than they were when they met me, not saying their life is in shambles or anything foolish like that, but I like to brighten days or provide an alternate prospective when asked my opinion. I heard in some movie, I can't recall the name of it; but a character said something to the effect "I'm better for having known you", I thought that was one of the greatest compliments a person could receive; that's where my philosophy came from. So I do my best to give positive feedback when asked and lend a listening ear when it's needed. I say that to say, I consider myself a good friend and that took time, wisdom and practice. So seeing how I'd love to have certain people in my life at this time I don't think they'd be better for it, I think things will be as they've always been and I was unhappy in that dynamic. These days I look forward to smiles and laughter, drama free living and time to focus on my creative efforts. 

I found writing this expression very therapeutic for some reason, I'm learning to view the blog as a safe space and allow the words to flow as they choose to without second guessing or censoring; unlike before when I blatantly overshared. I don't think I've ever shared some of the desires mentioned with even my close friends, I felt as if I was holding them near to my heart; the word secret comes to mind. Although when I write I feel as if I am an open book, but in reality I feel as if I am still a bit mysterious; even in real life. It's funny when my friends say something in regards to knowing me; I feel so hidden at times, and the question usually comes to my mind like, do they really know me outside of surface things? I have yet to ask anyone and my own thoughts may be biased or misleading so I try not to ponder on those things too long. I think that's why I'm procrastinating with the book, to express myself with such clarity and transparency is a level of vulnerability I feel I am still working towards. I had a title, I am not sure if it will remain the same; and I had a premise, but again, I am unsure of the direction to get from the title to the introduction and the "meat and potatoes" of what I want to say and how my words would add value to the world. I suppose it goes back to purpose, what would be the purpose of writing the book I had in mind? How would it better the lives of those who chose to read it? 

I read a quote stating to "be the person you needed when you were younger" and it stuck with me. I even started to create another blog with that in mind, providing stories of my experiences and how I'd wished someone had given me a playbook so to speak to avoid some of the pitfalls life may have for some of us. I then thought of the demographic for that audience and I didn't think it was for adults because they've already survived those trials and possibly tribulations giving them a testimony all their own. So I decided not to proceed with that even though I have yet to come across anything like that concept. Perhaps that's still down the line, until I know exactly what to do about it I'll keep in "in the drafts" so to speak. I think that's how I've chosen to live this life on the journey I find myself on, sticking to my path and realizing when and what to share at the appropriate times. I don't think that hinders the desire, I think it's allowing it to unfold as it should, not rushed or forced, but relevant. I have yet to think of a title for this entry; I still don't know how it will all come together, but I feel as if my therapist and tarot reader would be proud of me for letting go and allowing the words to flow even regarding matters I've never spoken of before. I think the current waxing gibbous Moon in Pisces can take the credit for this evenings expression; as stated on the app Time Passages, "you might feel in yourself a deep urge for introspection and reflection"... I know why certain things came up in this post now and that's for me to discuss with a close friend and/or my therapist, but I'm glad it exposed itself so that I may move forward completely.

It seems as if it should be easy to be vulnerable when you're sitting at a computer sharing words with others; but for me, for some strange reason I find it more difficult than sharing some things with friends. I don't know why that is. Nevertheless, I am glad to be "coming out of my shell" these days; it seems like baby steps, but I see the growth where a year or two ago I would have redacted much of what I shared today and found some fluff to put in it's place. Whereas today I allowed myself to be open, honest and transparent. I will admit, I like this feeling; perhaps it's just what I need to begin writing the book or at least re-visit my outline and decide where I want to begin and what I want to say. Which makes me think it's time to revisit the drafts on the other blog and piece together posts I'd like to develop into chapters. Sounds easy enough, and it's not as if I don't have the time to do it; maybe it's the energy, what it will take to relive some of those words and emotions typed during times of trouble. I think the energy necessary to revisit some of those posts may be a bit more than I want to engage in at this time. I then thought of using the posts from this blog and doing the same, but in oversharing in the past I think that's the amount of depth I need to start with in order to truly convey my story. Again, time will tell.

for insight; see, Transparency (The World Outside My Window) 

Retrograde's, Summer Wind's & the Moon

“And suddenly you know: It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.” 

Meister Eckhart

One thing I've learned has been to trust new beginnings, giving them room for something different; hopefully something better to occur in my life. I've learned that although some things may look similar to something in the past it is also a chance to put all of the "lessons learned" to use; as well as embrace a new experience. I think with so much of my focus on things causing nostalgia it's great to look forward to things, setting new goals and leaving self open to evolving or being enlightened. I think that's what I'm looking forward to in the present moment; chances to be enlightened along this new journey I find myself on. 

Lately, there have been plenty of earthquakes near my area, add to that the recent Solar Eclipse, several planets in retrograde and the approaching Lunar Eclipse in the coming weeks. All of that feels like a new life to me, I often joke about living so many lifetimes; I mean, I even feel like this present life I'm living feels new every so often. Some events seem like they happened in a different life, like the saying goes "I was a totally different person then". In a sense I'm feeling as if this entry should be on the other blog as it feels like an excerpt from the statement "...a girl; evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming; a woman.". I feel as if the girl I once was has communicated with the woman I am becoming to say it's time to move forward to something else. I know this is a result of many therapy sessions, tarot readings and meditations/ prayers, nevertheless I will admit to being a bit scared to dive into the next phase, especially with so much going on in the cosmos.  Which reminds me of the phrase "the show must go on" such is life; no matter what, it goes on.

Recently, I thought again of writing a book; I don't know why that feels overwhelming, yet I feel as if some of the things I am afraid to say on the blogs would be better shared that way. The thought is I'd have more room to expound rather than my sometimes vague entries on here. Which is mainly because I don't like the posts to be unnecessarily long (and some of us know how I feel about oversharing). I figure I'll add that to my list of goals and complete it in parts so that I am not discouraged. The trouble comes with the thought "I don't know where to begin" I suppose the answer will reveal itself once the appropriate time comes. 

Back to the cosmos, I feel an unfamiliar pull into uncertainty; I can't seem to describe the feeling or emotions associated with it. I believe with my ruling planet, Saturn, retrograde in my Sun sign, Capricorn the effects for me may be a bit heightened; however I don't know enough about it to go further. With that being said, I find myself at a crossroads; regarding how to focus completely on the future when Mercury (and many other planets are) retrograde which calls for us to reflect, revisit and such. I am unsure how my nostalgic thoughts will express themselves while I'm attempting to move forward. I guess that's where the uncertainty comes in...

While taking a quick break from writing (this entry) I stumbled across my horoscope for today; here's an excerpt:

"Life is not a race; it's an experience. There is no need to rush from one adventure to another, trying to fill your days with action! Today, stop your engines and cool your jets, because if you don't, you could be missing out on something subtle but wonderful in your life..."

Maybe that's the answer; not letting go of nostalgia, but rather embrace it at this present time in an attempt to remember, reflect, readjust my goals/ dreams and if possible reconnect. I truly believe there's something to be said about how astrology, astronomy and our daily lives intertwine. The other day a supporter on my Instagram page asked "what sparked your passion for astrology?" and my answer goes back to when I began studying my natal chart and finding so much information and insight about my personality as well as various aspects I'd never thought about. Add to that, how astrology ties into astronomy which I love. I've been a lover of the Moon for many years, decades now which I wrote about it in an entry titled: Summer Moons. I love the energy I feel as the Moon travels through her cycles and how my mind, body, soul and spirit reacts to her, divine feminine energy; it's astounding!

My hope is to come through this retrograde, eclipse season a better, more evolved, enlightened soul; with a better or should I say a deeper knowledge of my purpose and journey. I pray the same for you; taking the necessary time to relax, reflect and see what is and what no longer serves us and how to transcend the frequency we were once at while embracing the vibration the new Earth is bringing forward. I noticed I said "forward" a lot of times in this entry; I think that's because I am super ready and excited to see what this next chapter of my life holds for me. I hope on some level you can relate or strive to be in that place, the place of magic and manifestation. I pray we all learn something special about our beings during this time as each planet's retrograde holds within it answers to questions we may or may not have asked ourselves or God in prayer.

As I ran a few errands I saw a number which spoke to me so I looked it up on the Angel Numbers App* I use often; so this is what it said (notice the "Angel Power Words"):

What Number "456" Means:


The resulting total number is #6:It is an important time to nurture yourself on all levels. Eating healthy food, drinking ample water and sleeping well, will assist you to maintain a healthy body. Creating a peaceful ambience will also nurture your soul. The Angels recommend bringing harmony to your environment with beautiful flowers, music and crystals.

Your Angel Number contains an ascending number pattern. The messages contained within your 'Total Angel Number' are amplified 100 fold. This is a call to pay attention big time!

Angel Power Words:New Direction

Your Angel Number also contains #56:You may feel like things have been very up and down lately and that you have barely been putting one foot in front of the other. During this time however you have learned many valuable lessons and skills which have resulted in you becoming a very resilient person. Rest assured now that the Angels are guiding you to a much easier road up ahead.

Your Angel Number also contains #45:Call on Archangel Michael when you need extra courage to make changes in your life. Archangel Michael is ready to lead you in a new direction which will bring you to a blissful haven. Breathe deeply and know that you can do it!

*********************************************************************************

This truly makes my heart smile; very often after I choose to post my thoughts I'll get a confirmation from the Universe in (at times) subtle ways which translates to me as saying "keep doing and sharing what you are". I think that is one of the biggest compliments I receive; along with the comments in various Instagram posts saying you can relate or it's what you're going through or something you needed. Those sentiments mean more to me than I can put into words. Thank you!

Blessings 💗✨

Kamille

*the angel number app in the link is for iOS; I am not sure if the app with the same name on Google Play is infact the same app; please make note and search as necessary for the right app for you.

A Journey of the Heart

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"

- Iyanla Vanzant

I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.

In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).

I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."

Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.

With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.

Blessings 💗✨
Kamille

Out of Hibernation

"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal"

-Rumi

Lately, I've been feeling the urge to share; for some odd reason the above quote comes to mind (often). As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the recent years. When dealing with mental health each issue can consume you, so it takes a lot of effort to "remain sane" as the number of disorders seem to increase. I will admit bipolar is a far different "beast" than anxiety and depression have been; for me. However while focusing on my well-being I've neglected the blogs which of course was not intentional. So back to the quote; although I've continued to share on various social media outlets I have not allowed myself to voice my thoughts in the form of blog entries which I will admit has left me feeling the void.

During the time of soul searching and healing I chose not to "be a lamp or a lifeboat" or even "a ladder" to an extent because I did not share my experiences with you all, from previous expressions and sentiments received I do know that my words have if not helped at least provoked thought or gave insight on some issues many have faced; or are facing. I suppose that's what I'm doing today, I'm deciding to do a better job of shining my light as the next quote suggests.

“Do the world a favor, don’t hide your magic“ -unknown

As an introvert I am truly working on this, mainly because I prefer to be behind the scenes; with little to very little attention being brought upon myself. I suppose this is me getting out of my own way and accepting the gifts that GOD has bestowed upon us all. Of course each individual's "light" will look different as each of our expressions are that way. Even still; aside from real life, where I make a conscious effort to "let my light shine" I find myself hypersensitive and often depressed after spending a certain amount of time with people. I don't know if that's the bipolar situation or a combination of diagnoses... Nevertheless, I feel as if it's perhaps strengthening the gifts associated with my purpose.

That's a whole other story; for many years I have been praying for GOD to reveal my purpose to me and as I thought and searched for various "signs" I now recognize myself in a different way. I believe my purpose has been revealed to me which makes me step out of my comfort zone and accomplish what I came to Earth to do. I can no longer use my disabilities as an excuse not to even attempt to contribute to the higher consciousness of this planet; even if that contribution is a small one, even if the only person who uses the information to grow is myself. I've mentioned it before on this blog and the other, that my goal is to share more often. I won't put any time or day restrictions on myself as that is not the way my creative process can be done, but I do plan to post more frequently than I have in the past couple of years.

I pray you all are well and continue to grow into your greatest and highest good. Allowing time to release anything that is no longer serving you with the coming of the Full Moon this weekend (May 17- 20, 2019; according to MoonPhase app).

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨ 

This Brokenhearted Girl

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bare their bickerings"

E. Y. Harburg

After acknowledging the condition of my heart as well as my mind, in addition to the current climate of today's society; I found myself feeling extremely melancholy and somewhat depleted.  At one point I began to reflect on who I once was and how that girl would handle these emotions.  So yesterday I wanted to change my cellphone number, shut down my Facebook account and "disappear" from almost all of the people I know in real life. I felt so many emotions ranging from one extreme to another. While all of this is going on under the surface my outward demeanor would suggest that I am "calm, cool and collected" (typical Capricorn); which couldn't be farther from my reality. I made sure to monitor my mental and emotional health in hopes to avoid anxiety attacks, mainly because experience with these issues has taught me that an anxiety attack in my current state could very well escalate into a manic stage and all options from there are ones that I do my damnedest to avoid. As I've shared in previous expressions on this blog as well as my old one, when I feel this way I try to redirect some of my energy to other things or people who either come to mind or cross my path. At some point after expressing prayers and support for the missing children in Washington D.C., I extended my prayers to all those who are missing or displaced. Followed by meditation; where I was blindsided by feelings, memories and thoughts surrounding my own life, some of which are so far removed I have difficulty interpreting if the memories are of actual events, distorted dreams or completely made up delusions. I'm sure that may not make much sense, and probably to your surprise I am going to explain (somewhat).

Lately, I have had bouts of anger, resentment, regret in addition to the ever-present feelings of anxiety and depression. When I recognize that I am feeling this way I make a conscious effort to focus on my breathing and meditate, the past few times after doing this I feel as if I was transported to memories of my childhood when I'd be sad or upset and I'd go into my Grandmothers' bedroom and rest my head on her leg as she'd lay watching television. In those times I never had to overshare or over explain why I'd done this, often she wouldn't even say anything, she'd just run her fingers through my hair or tell me a story/parable and before I knew it I felt better; sometimes I'd shed a tear or two; or  just lay in silence watching whatever she had on. Occasionally I find myself grieving her passing as if it was recent, I try not to allow my thoughts to take me down that lane of memories because the length of time from when I expressed my "good bye" was much earlier than when she actually passed. I won't go into detail, but somehow I knew my last visit with her would be just that; I also accepted the reasons why it would be the last which allowed me to be at peace. I don't go to funerals; I've gone to approximately 3 in this lifetime and after the last one I said I would not attend another, with the exception of my own and a few other people should they pass on before me. So I did not visit her during her last days or attend her funeral, nor did I explain to anyone why. Then approximately 6 months later my Grandfather passed. I, again, grieved in my own way, but did not attend his funeral. However, in recent months I have felt them during my times of despair; I recall their words of wisdom and find comfort.

Occasionally I'll have an overwhelming desire to connect with family; as if that is the key to the void I feel. Typically I remain disconnected, mainly because the family members I have relationships with aren't responsible for nor contributed to the void I feel and the ones who are responsible will never admit to or reconcile so I've buried and made peace with the reality that we don't exist in one another's dimensions. Unfortunately, on a subconscious level various people, memories, etc., have begun haunting me via my dreams. One day after being bombarded by insomnia I decided to heavily medicate in order to induce sleep which had become much needed. I had several "nightmares" that day; prior to awaking I wrote the most fascinating blog entry which was forgotten as my eyes opened. That happens more often than I care to share; yet this time (which has also been known to happen) I was reminded of previous expressions I'd shared on my other blog The World Outside My Window. After revisiting those words I recognized how much of them I still wrestled with even after all of this time. When I shared I guess it's time to get this out and Sometimes I Feel... I was dealing with fertility concerns along with a sporadic case of "baby fever" so the desire to connect with my Mother; or reconnect with my Aunt and Grandmother felt imperative. It was as if I needed them in order to fill some deficiency I was unaware of or unfamiliar with. Since writing and sharing these words in 2012 I was betrayed in ways I feel are unforgivable; nevertheless, these "mother issues" are exposed and not only am I unsure how to heal these wounds I am determined to do so without communication with the women who created them. 

That's something you don't hear about, we all have become aware of "daddy issues" even if we aren't completely sure what they are, we know someone who identifies or fit the description, but what are "mommy issues"? Aside from the term "momma's boy" I can't think of any other reference to the concept. Over the years I have attempted to research, but have yet to discover anything that sheds light on what I feel at the time; so it gets buried again until times like now. I have some theories regarding "the way I am" and how some of my personality traits and overprotective boundaries may stem from feeling/being abandoned by my mother, but other than that how does it all effect a person's psychological make up?  I believe I touched on it when I shared Daddy's Little Girl, the contrast of a loving, attentive father and a woman who carried me during pregnancy and gave birth. After the battle of my thoughts, feelings and memories I asked myself "am I being too hard on her?" then I began to search for memories of something she taught me or ways she made a positive impact in my life- the person I have been, who I am now and/or the woman I am striving to become; and I came up empty. Since that conversation with myself I have been searching for the root of the question"why is all of this coming up now?" which reminded me of the words in How Did I Get Here. It's amazing how God works; how the Universe comes together in synchronicity to uncover and/or assist in answering questions; revealing truths or what have you. Although I am still unsure why these exact feelings have begun to bubble up for me, I am aware that I have been meditating on my purpose as well as studying my natal chart; not only as a way of self-discovery, but I suppose also as reassurance to the path I feel as if I am on regarding my spiritual journey. 

So back to yesterday, after deciding to keep my current cellphone number and Facebook account in tact I scrolled around on Twitter and found myself "eavesdropping" on a conversation that appeared on my timeline discussing "shadow work" and "dark room meditation"; I then made a mental note to research the two when I was reminded of someone I know through divine order. Around the last quarter of 2016 as I shared I had this overwhelming urge to prepare for 2017, in the midst of this chaos I felt completely alone, so I prayed. I rarely pray to God to "send" things or people to me; but this particular time I did, not long after that prayer was said and forgotten I received a message on Instagram from someone I'd met through Twitter, but had not seen online for quite some time. Long story short, we both prayed almost identical prayers at approximately the same time frame and were connected. It's uncanny how we share some of the same experiences, insights, etc., so when she mentioned "inner child work"; which has always been an area of self-therapy that I avoided, I knew she wasn't saying it by happenstance, nevertheless I resisted initially. Not long after that conversation I apologized because I knew she not only meant well, but she was/is a vessel (as I have been/am to her). So I decided I would take "baby steps" into my inner child work and heal the damage that I knew of; which honestly wasn't the issue, it is the damage I am unaware of that is chilling in my subconscious that I have been afraid of. 

Once I recognized the emotions I took a moment to meditate and allowed the tears to fall, then I slept. My dreams were all over the place and many were unpleasant, but not long after I awoke I received a message on Twitter from someone who had viewed my profile and brought up an area of interest that I had only shared with one other person (my spiritual sister mentioned above); this particular area of interest came to mind around the time I had been on leave from work for a few months and was experiencing quite a few transitions. Due to the circumstances my mental state was compromised so I was unsure if it was something that I should seriously entertain or if it was a spiritual enlightenment or awakening type situation in terms of my purpose. To my surprise I did not expect this chain of events especially after the conversation with my friend just last week, along with various postings regarding the growing pains of spiritual awakening(s) and maintenance. Although I am unsure how it will all play out I am confident in knowing that "all things work together for the good of them who love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) as well as the scripture which says "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

This space of being with the complexities of mental and emotional health along with spiritual growth,  societal issues together with the changes of life can be extremely overwhelming; but I am learning to unplug, allow the feelings and emotions to run their course, chat with loved ones and allow God to move in my life to direct my path. It is not easy, by far; as I shared in Don't Be Deceived... nevertheless, I am encouraging myself (along with anyone who feels encouraged and/or can relate) some days are better than others, but I truly believe when it's all said and done, regardless of your "religious" or spiritual beliefs, in the end we will fulfill the plans God has for us as the scriptures say which will prosper us and bring out our very best in ways to contribute to our home here on Earth; not only for ourselves, but for one another as well as the generations to come.

Be Well & Happy New Moon 🌑💗✨; I pray God speaks to the situations and circumstances of our lives and heals the broken spaces, enlighten and awaken the purposes within us and strengthens the spirit of justice, harmony, equality, wisdom and Love throughout the atmosphere.

Blessings,

Kamille