Saturday, May 18, 2019

225 Drafts

225 is the number of blog entries reverted to drafts on the other blog; once I read through a few I realized why they'd return to such. I was completely transparent, however maybe not where it should have been expressed; perhaps, in person or stored in a journal. The purpose of re-reading them was to decide if I should republish them or not and as open and honest as they were I now feel as if I should cherish those memories and let them go.

That's been a pattern lately, letting things go. Not from a negative, reactive space, more of a "for the good times" kind of way. While writing this entry I choose to look into an app I have named "Angel Numbers" where I was able to gain insight on a perception regarding those numbers. Of course the message received was confirmation that I am on my journey. I supposed that's one of the issues I've been facing lately; the feeling of nostalgia. I don't quite want to forget any of the memories, with the exception of a few; yet I don't want to be so focused on them that I am not in the now, or creating/ manifesting the life I am striving towards.

I don't know a good way to "get over" nostalgia; now had it been depression or "the mean reds" I have techniques to overcome them. This is something altogether different and new for me. Sadly, the only people I'd want to discuss this topic with have both passed onto another realm (I pray they are happy). Which only leaves more room for nostalgic thoughts of memories we'd shared along with the wisdom, laughter and love shared... I suppose you can't get over the feelings of nostalgia, however you can't allow them to override your thoughts of the good times that lie ahead...

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Out of Hibernation

"Be a lamp, or a lifeboat or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal"
-Rumi

Lately, I've been feeling the urge to share; for some odd reason the above quote comes to mind (often). As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the recent years. When dealing with mental health each issue can consume you, so it takes a lot of effort to "remain sane" as the number of disorders seem to increase. I will admit bipolar is a far different "beast" than anxiety and depression have been; for me. However while focusing on my well-being I've neglected the blogs which of course was not intentional. So back to the quote; although I've continued to share on various social media outlets I have not allowed myself to voice my thoughts in the form of blog entries which I will admit has left me feeling the void.

During the time of soul searching and healing I chose not to "be a lamp or a lifeboat" or even "a ladder" to an extent because I did not share my experiences with you all, from previous expressions and sentiments received I do know that my words have if not helped at least provoked thought or gave insight on some issues many have faced; or are facing. I suppose that's what I'm doing today, I'm deciding to do a better job of shining my light as the next quote suggests.

“Do the world a favor, don’t hide your magic“ -unknown

As an introvert I am truly working on this, mainly because I prefer to be behind the scenes; with little to very little attention being brought upon myself. I suppose this is me getting out of my own way and accepting the gifts that GOD has bestowed upon us all. Of course each individual's "light" will look different as each of our expressions are that way. Even still; aside from real life, where I make a conscious effort to "let my light shine" I find myself hypersensitive and often depressed after spending a certain amount of time with people. I don't know if that's the bipolar situation or a combination of diagnoses... Nevertheless, I feel as if it's perhaps strengthening the gifts associated with my purpose.

That's a whole other story; for many years I have been praying for GOD to reveal my purpose to me and as I thought and searched for various "signs" I now recognize myself in a different way. I believe my purpose has been revealed to me which makes me step out of my comfort zone and accomplish what I came to Earth to do. I can no longer use my disabilities as an excuse not to even attempt to contribute to the higher consciousness of this planet; even if that contribution is a small one, even if the only person who uses the information to grow is myself. I've mentioned it before on this blog and the other, that my goal is to share more often. I won't put any time or day restrictions on myself as that is not the way my creative process can be done, but I do plan to post more frequently than I have in the past couple of years.

I pray you all are well and continue to grow into your greatest and highest good. Allowing time to release anything that is no longer serving you with the coming of the Full Moon this weekend (May 17- 20, 2019; according to MoonPhase app).

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨ 


Thursday, October 26, 2017

Healing

“I show my scars so that others may know they can heal.”
Unknown


I've written before of my relationship with my Mother, the last post mentioning the unlikelihood of reconciliation. Well, as they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell (Him) your plans"; as unlikely as I thought I was lead to reconcile not only with my Mother, but a few other people in my life. After months of inner-child work as well as some shadow work which lead to hospitalization earlier this year I believe I am healing wounds from my early childhood years. Which I feel is necessary not to mention inevitable once a person begins the journey into Self-Awareness or any type of Spiritual Journey. 

I've missed writing and sharing, I haven't thought of any reason to justify staying away so long other than I was "getting my shit together". Spending many days and nights battling anxiety, depression and insomnia along with the recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I feel as if I wasn't ready to share that with you all just yet; coming to terms with these types of things takes it's own time as well understanding in order to do so in a healthy way, at least from my personal experience. Sometimes letting others in too soon can cause unnecessary interactions or worse... One thing I've realized since being hospitalized in April 2017 came from a quote from Albert Einstein, which says, "There is only two ways to live your life: one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is a though everything is". I believe I have begun to allow that concept to sink in which brings a new found happiness for each day. Not as if I am expecting stereotypical miracles, but through all things; from the smallest to the most miraculous.

After contemplating many experiences I've had in this life as well as questioning some of my beliefs after reading a book titled "Beyond Beliefs" followed by "Island of Knowledge" by Linda Quiring. I feel as if I have found myself in a new space of consciousness, in some ways understanding the past from a different perspective and in other ways learning to shape the future with affirmations, goals and positivity while remaining in the NOW. It sounds so easy, but at times I feel the future as if it were the present or the past as if it were now and I have to regroup and recenter. Once speaking with my Mother I realized some beliefs I created which prolonged the reconciliation however if things happen in divine timing, then those obstacles were there for the time to align in order to make the "impossible", possible. I feel as if I am getting to know another side of myself, a side buried long ago in childhood and being around family feels right on time.

I am not sure if I've always been bipolar and it remained dormant until triggered or if it developed due to my other conditions. I try not to wreak my brain trying to figure that out. Instead I tend to piece together memories and thoughts to enjoy the moment. I hadn't realized how long it's been since my last entry until I posted the observations for October recently, I've been in the mood to write for some time, yet not until now have the words come to me. Hopefully this will not become a rare occurrence and I will share more frequently. Especially as the year comes to an end and new adventures await 2018.

I hope you are having an enjoyable day, even if the joy is a bit hard to find there is always something and/or someone to be thankful and/or grateful for. 

Blessings,
Kamille 💗✨

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Summer Moon's

For the past several evenings I have been attempting to schedule a date with the Moon. As we near the beginning of Summer the Moonrise becomes later and later into the wee hours of the morning, which is far too late/early for me to be out alone, so each night I dread sleep because I'd rather be gazing at the miraculous glow of the Moon. Especially after such a beautiful Full Moon days ago. My love for the Moon began officially one quiet Summer in the 1990's (South Central, Los Angeles). I don't quite remember the details, but what I do remember,  I won't forget. I believe the Moon was Full and I was outside awaiting my laundry. I stood there looking at one of the biggest, brightest Moon's I've ever seen (that I can recall). I was in Love. I'd never felt that way about anything and I knew I wanted to have that feeling included in my life from that day forward. The bond I have with the Moon is indescribable; the love and admiration along with trust and safety. It means more than words can express...

I wrote before going to bed last night, as I continued writing I recalled another interaction which may have influenced this encounter some years later. 1992, my Grandmother and I moved; closer to other family members, it just so happened to be on my birthday that year which is why I think I'll always remember. The year was nice until April when Los Angeles experienced the riots following the Rodney King situation; I suppose during the adult conversations it was planned that my Grandmother, a couple of my cousin's and myself would take a vacation that Summer. We arrive in Alabama sometime between July and August, I know because this is when Mary J. Blige's "What's the 411?" was released along with a few TLC's songs in heavy rotation on BET and all of the other Summer shows targeted at my age group. I enjoyed meeting various family members and exploring the town. It was interesting for me because typically I'd be alone, since I was still an only child at this point. So the cousin's and I split off into age appropriate groups and did our own things. I was enjoying myself up until a night at the Community Center of sorts when some boys turned out the lights and chased us around the building; something I had never experienced up until then. I remember some boy touching me and I screamed, shortly after the lights were back on and I was ready to go. Not just from the center, but from Alabama and everything included. I completely shut down and didn't leave the house for a while; I didn't realize how obvious I was being that something was wrong even though I couldn't exactly express what I was upset about, that is until one of my cousin's who lived in Alabama made me get dressed and took me to a Community Swimming Pool. 

While there we met these two young men who I learned were complete gentlemen, we all hung out a lot during the Summer until it was almost time for me to return to California. I don't remember the details of that interaction, I just remember it being old fashioned and romantic, I remember walks and conversations; although I do not recall the words. And within it all I know that the Moon was shining down absorbing it all. It wasn't until this morning that I had a moment of a flashback as I never think of that Summer anymore. However now I somewhat understand what I feel lately, nostalgia. I feel as if I am longing for something I've experienced before; I just don't know all of the components or how it makes sense given my current mental health issues. I do know that this past month or so I have been obsessed with a few things, more than usual and I feel as if my Soul is trying to tell me something or perhaps share something with me that my natural eyes aren't able to see. I feel as if I want to explore, that is until the fear of uncertainty jumps in and takes my mind on a roller coaster of possibilities. I don't know why suddenly childhood memories are flooding my mind; then again I think I do. It all started late last year or early this year when I was inspired to begin my inner child work, something I had been avoiding since I learned the term.

I won't go into all of that now, I'd rather bask in the memory of those two Summer's and how they sparked Love in an otherwise frozen heart (lol, it's a long story). Nonetheless, those experiences left a lasting impression; leaving me now searching for a date and time when the Moon is cooperating at a respectable hour in the night's sky where I can sit under the stars and share my thoughts, feelings, dreams and desires and hear the whispers of my heart so I can know what I am feeling as well as this phase of what my Soul knows that I need to remember. Something about this Summer has me excited, in a good way; which I have not felt in Lord knows how long. In the meantime, I want to enjoy each moment the days bring and fall deeper in love with life. I am praying to maintain this mind state, to allow the optimism and lightheartedness of happiness to overtake me until it engulfs my mind, body and soul with the carefree feelings this time of year deserves.

Blessings 💗✨

Friday, May 12, 2017

Emptiness

"I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone.  That's because I realized from a young age that there's always more than what meets the eye."
- unknown

It feels as if I've had several "mother's" in this lifetime; unfortunately, none of them were my own. I suppose aside from God I have no idea who to ask or the appropriate description of how it came to be, nevertheless I had to mature at an extremely young age. I don't remember much of a childhood, I recall brief flashbacks of sorts and some memories, but not the typical coming of age story movies are made of. Often times, especially since developing mental illnesses and being on a leave of absence from work I find myself feeling as if I've been an adult far longer than my actual age. While other times I feel like such a baby, constantly attending to my well-being; mind, body and soul, it seems as if that should be a way of life as we all are responsible for our wellness in all aspects of being, but something about my life now as opposed to how it was prior to these circumstances. At times I want to cry, however the thoughts following the feeling have no true meaning so the tears are blocked. Thats one thing I believe I've learned throughout many of my experiences in this life, which is to make sure to be thoughtful as well as do things with meaning. I have my reasons for this philosophy which I do not think I want to share at this time, but we'll see how the words comes together...

Some years are not as difficult as others, the most difficult part is I usually don't know how I'll feel about it until it is on the horizon; Mother's Day. I think this is the "holiday" I actually hate the most. As a child it was always a weird day, leading up to along with it's final hours, then Monday came and it was over; I've never loved Monday's, but the weekend of Mother's Day is the one time I've ever been happy for Monday to show up. Normally I keep these feelings to myself as not to shit on people who actually had a wonderful mother and all of the memories and heart-felt moments to show for it yet this year is different. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to accurately identify them all, however I do know that I do not wish to dive too deep into it all. I awoke this morning in a strange mood; I was happy, had a good night's rest and felt motivated to run some errands before the day got away from me. Then I remembered the weekend and the "holiday" and instantly I felt some type of way, a way that hits me sporadically and oftentimes leaves me in tears. Today was different, this time my heart was touched in a way that I can not describe and the tears are on standby hoping for a release. Everything else is numb and at times my heart grows cold. I am exhausted! I am exhausted of being my own mother. Not in a sense of "I've become my mother" but in the literal sense of taking the responsibility of myself as my mother was supposed to. I feel as if I have had to take on that role since I was five years old and I am exhausted.

But mother's can't get exhausted, and even when they do they can't stop anything when the children are in need; right? So I tell my inner child to hold on to the tears because I have to (as usual) be the mother that I need for myself in order to survive the (what seems to be) never-ending curveballs life feels the need to throw these days. I want to cry, but the tears won't fill the emptiness nor will they wash away the bullshit so what meaning will they have? What do you do with them? More importantly, who understands? I think that's the thing... I rarely think of my mother when I think of a mother, not to shit on her, more because when I think of my mother, I think of myself. Eventually I took all of the things said to me and formed my own philosophies based on known intellectuals, studying them almost as an obsession then tailoring them to fit the person I envision myself to become. At times I feel as if I've missed the mark and in other moments I am surprised; I won't go into detail, but it's odd to see your life and where you've come from along with where you are and how you got there. Even more so when you see a future that looks impossible yet somewhere or somehow you trust or maybe believe is a better term, that the person you see yourself as will come to fruition. I read a quote that said:

"my growth came when I realized that I do not have to experience life the way I have been told to."
- unknown

I don't recall how old I was when I realized this to be true even though I would not read the above quote for many years after experiencing the sentiment. The roadblocks, pitfalls and detours of this life are always on my mind. Not compulsively, but in steady rotation. On occasion I'll ask myself why certain situations are occurring and I can usually retrace events which lead to the origin of a calamity. Then I'll think if at that time there were some other options which could have prevented what followed. I find myself at a crossroads, the hospitalization last month truly put some things in perspective and brought up some things for me to look into. I woke up this morning and I wrote, but from my phone and when I pressed a button everything written vanished, I took that as a moment to reflect and see if the desire to write would return and what words would form. My heart feels empty, not because of lack, but in a sense of a faucet overflowing with nothing to catch the excess so rather than being fulfilled it's just a mess. That's how I feel; robbed. And I don't know where or how to process the hurt especially when the one responsible doesn't care that it exists. How do you heal despite the circumstances? 

Wake me when Monday comes...