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earrings and eyebrows

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For the past few days I've had thoughts concerning body image, self esteem and confidence; as I am getting used to seeing myself without hair. I have gotten compliments from friends, family as well as strangers since shaving my head and I feel as if they are genuine. Opting less and less to wear my unit, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of life as I know it.  Illness and aging has a way of putting things into perspective; I no longer want to spend time in places or with people that don’t treat me well or whose energy is off-putting. Although there are some circumstances where I don't have the luxury to disengage I am making sure to exercise the privilege where I can.  Debating smoking another joint, taking a nap or allowing an expression to take up space on the screen. I haven't figured out if I am stalling or processing the words to share; with the eclipse, mercury retrograde, various changes within my being and my natural moodiness I will admit to setting a few bri
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wistful thinking

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 "be silent, only the hands of God can remove the burdens of your heart." Rumi It's been nearly two weeks and I did not want to write, it wasn't a case of writer's block; it was more like processing this thing I now call life. I've been told in as much time that I'm not showcasing my usual "positive" outlook, as it seems some around me aren't handling it well that I am not as optimistic as I once was. The reality of my conditions are overwhelming me, I feel as if my heart is burdened and I don't exactly know how to put those burdens in the hands of God. To an extent I feel as if I don't know the lesson I am supposed to be learning in this phase of my life, I won't go into karma because I am not so sure I believe in the concept then to think about what I may or may not "deserve"; the thought leaves my mind as quickly as it entered. What does anyone "deserve" ? Nevertheless, here we are and I am faced with tou
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where to go from here

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I've decided to cut my hair and begin wearing my unit until I figure out the next steps. It took a few days to accept the loss of my hair, and a whole lot of reefer; Peaches and Cream to be exact to make the decision to move forward rather than wallow in the grief of what is becoming my life. I recall many Moon's ago, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder; I made it clear to myself that I did not want to have a tub of medications for various ailments, one creating the need for the other due to side effects and such. Although I don't remember much of my childhood, I do remember witnessing or maybe observing that lifestyle and I knew at a young age that I wanted no parts of it. Now I find myself with major illness, faced with the question of how to or where to go from here and I am scared. Scared of making poor decisions concerning my mortality and quality of life.  Since I am scheduled for treatment this coming week I figure I would speak with my doctor and figur
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it's only the beginning

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The day after my first chemotherapy session went surprisingly well, that was until the time released medication hit me and I forgot the instructions to pre-medicate; causing me to have excruciating pain in my lower body. I've never experienced the sensation of my bones hurting! Then by the time I thought that would end I began to feel pains similar to an epidural at which point I contacted triage and they reminded me of the step I missed. Since incorporating that forgotten step I've been feeling better, with no pain.  Those days of pain were so uncomfortable I could not express it on the blogs, I just had to suffer through it until I was aware of my misstep and able to correct it.  Needless to I have yet to join the gym... I've been bored a lot lately, especially since withdrawing from my Spring courses.  For me these days my main interest is my health… I have the same interests it’s just that I hate going everywhere alone. Now that I have to deal with cancer, my mortality
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let's work it out

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I was hesitant to share this, but what good would that do in documenting my story if I were not honest?  Approximately 2016, I did not love myself very much; I was unhappy with various aspects of my life and began to make poor physical health decisions. Including beginning smoking cigarettes and other unhealthy habits regarding meal choices. Although I wrote on the blogs a few times, once on the first blog which was entitled "Getting Over vs. Going Through"  this post was so vague I hardly remember what I was getting over, well I do know what I was attempting to get over, but I barely recall what I was going through. After a few months of self-care and self-love I wrote an expression titled "The Moon, My Soul & Love: An Introduction"   by spending so much time and effort on my mental health due to the conditions I found myself with I had neglected by body and now I am reaping the outcome of that. Not as a punishment, but as a reality of what happens when a perso
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you'll be alright

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 "don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. unfold your own myth." Rumi Since disclosing my diagnosis and treatment plan I find many people have been supportive while others have been distant and few have shared their experiences or the experiences of loved ones, which are appreciated. I will be beginning chemotherapy this week and I will admit, I am scared and nervous; I don't know what to expect and although most side effects are common knowledge I am uncertain of how my being will respond to such treatments. I wish I could fast forward this year yet another part of me wants to cherish each moment and "make them count" for whatever reason. I recognize this is simply a stage along my journey, then the thought of where the journey leads comes to mind. As time passes by I am unsure of this journey I find myself on, perhaps the destination is where my spirituality leads me? I recall some time in 2013 I believe, I had a sort of awakeni
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more than a dream

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These diamond infused pre-rolls make me feel light and airy, I still haven't smoked a cigarette since surgery last week. For now reefer has been enough to keep me in the desired state of being. I have not had much fun in quite some time and it's beginning to take its toll. I'm deciding with a friend about a "puff & paint" class next weekend and if we're both available to attend. The paintings aren't of anything I'm totally into painting, but the activity of it all would be where the enjoyment is; at least I hope that is the case. A night out with a friend, painting and smoking with maybe a nice sized edible? That sounds like a good night! Hopefully I can find more of these Jefferey's - cereal milk strain I've been talking about recently, they are infused with flower, keif, terpenes, etc. The combination of the strain with the various properties of the plant can be overwhelming in the sense of how relaxing and comfortable I feel once I par
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blame the reefer

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I don't often feel as if I rush expressions, but the one I published yesterday "100" feels rushed after I re-read it.  I will admit, my concentration was scattered and I probably should've taken a moment to refresh my thoughts, feelings and emotions before I attempted to update you all without really saying much. I blame the reefer, cereal milk (infused with diamonds) which can have that effect on me at times. The lightheartedness that comes when I smoke this strain can have me overlook some things or not be as thorough as I like to be. Feeling as if I am keeping things from you all makes me not want to share yet when I smoke strains such as cereal milk I am compelled to write, which means sharing. So here goes... In November [2023] I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the surgery I had on Tuesday was to remove the lump I found in my breast in October. I wasn't sure I'd share that until my post surgery appointment with my oncologist to learn the status and ne
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100

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Thank you all for the many prayers and birthday messages, as you may be aware I survived surgery!  Expressing my concerns while attempting to hide somethings going on with me, I was happy to get a bit of it off my chest in the last expression "close to a milestone" . As I embrace my new age I must take some time to be completely transparent with myself before sharing on such a public outlet. Which brings me to another thing worth acknowledging, Thank you to all of you who find the time to engage with the blogs. As many new locations appear in the stats, I am at times surprised and curious to know how particular countries found my words. Also hopeful, that something I've shared has been meaningful in some way. In this moment I am filled with gratitude and an awareness of myself that is unfamiliar; perhaps it came with the new age.  In my plans to stop smoking for the past few months, I am happy to admit that I have not smoked a cigarette since the day before surgery; which
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close to a milestone

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The blog is nearly at 100 posts which makes me a bit reflective causing me to re-read a post from 2020 on the other blog interestingly enough titled "untitled" . I say interestingly enough because many of the things I spoke of in that expression are things on my mind recently. I've been debating on sharing some things with you all that was hinted within the last expression on this blog titled "how high do you want to get?" , I figure I'll allow my fingers to do the talking and see what my heart wants to share.   I don't know how to share the whole story of it all, but I will say I have a surgery scheduled soon; feeling a bit scared I thought perhaps if I stopped hiding it from you all some of the fear would decrease. I ask for your prayers and well wishes as I get through this difficult time. Once it's all said and done I believe it's a story to be told in a chapter of the book. I will admit I have begun writing it, which brought about many thou
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how high do you want to get?

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“I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.” ~Rumi This year really tried me, tired me out, but the fight has just begun. As 2024 approaches and a New Year along with a new age finds me at a point in my life that I've never imagined. I feel as if I am in an alternate Universe and praying I find my way back to the life of my dreams. I am not quite ready to share exactly what has been going on with me, but I will say the past two (2) months have been a challenge to say the least. I find myself inspired by the simplest things and finding gratitude in the most unlikely spaces. I've fallen in love with the music I entertain as well as the gift of  creativity.  I could share some cliché parables regarding the matters at hand, but I figure that would only leave confusion in my vague attempt to share without actually sharing. When the time is right I will discover the best outlet to share; until then we'll just move on to figuring out what this expression is actually about.  As
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chapter 2023

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It's the beginning of December and it seems as if the year flew by; I hope you all enjoyed the recent "holiday" and got a chance to spend quality time with loved ones. So far I have a few appointments set up along with the end of the Fall semester, which made me realize I'll be out of school for about a month. For those who know me personally, you can imagine how much anxiety this realization created. The idea of the amount of time I spend studying and completing assignments which allows me to progress in my education, but also eases some of the boredom I find myself experiencing on a regular basis. I've already looked into a few puff & paint classes, I even looked into sip & paint; only because I really want to paint although I would rather puff than sip.  Two (2) joints in and as  I sit at my laptop random thoughts cross my mind, beginning with a thought about music and how much I enjoy discovering new artists and their work. Now I am remembering the
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floating in a pleasant mind and body high

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Staring at the page thoughts of what to share flood my mind. I have a pretty eventful week approaching and although I said recently that I wasn't quite in the mood to socialize, I think my mind may have changed. Party tonight, appointments on Tuesday then Thanksgiving on Thursday. As always I will not be participating in the rush of stores on "Black Friday" , however, I may take advantage of some "Cyber Monday" sales... I don't know if you call them anniversaries or memorials, but this time last year I was involved in a car accident, which I am still recovering from mentally as well as physically (slightly). I've been able to recognize areas in my mind where there is fear in regard to driving at times. It is my intention to overcome such fear and return to a place where I enjoy driving again.  As words to share begin to escape me I listen to the lyrics of the song playing in an attempt to generate some type of inspiration. Another song plays... Thoughts
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fly me to the Moon

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"fly me to the Moon/ and let me play among the stars..." Doris Day, fly me to the Moon (in other words) With the weather being moody I haven't been on my fitness routine as I would like to be. It's projected to rain soon and of course I will not take the risk of getting sick. Also, my efforts to stop smoking [cigarettes] has become more challenging than expected. Receiving some not so pleasant news recently has me smoking as usual rather than the decrease I saw prior to said news. However, through it all I've decided to create an alkaline body for myself, one which I suppose I won't have the desire to smoke a cigarette any longer.  I am looking forward to the week break from coursework and studies, although I do plan to read a chapter for my Philosophy course in order to get a jump start on the week to come. Again, had I planned this out better I would be on an island right now; yet here we are... Yesterday when I titled this expression I wanted to get on a je
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passion

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 "I am dominated by Love, by my passion of love for Love" Rumi I am consumed with love not in the sense of how love is depicted in romantic films or songs; well, maybe some songs, but it is otherworldly. In how I care for my loved ones and show love to myself, I recently spoke of love languages in my last expression, "green lights all the way" and after completing yet another 5 love languages quiz I now accept that my love language is all of 'em! The quiz suggests that some love languages are stronger than others, however, for me, I feel as if it depends on the mood I'm in. I am not that big on receiving gifts yet on some occasion I love to receive them, especially if they are thoughtful and meaningful. I also have a strong desire to be touched, often; but not by any one it has to be particular people in a particular way. I am not saying the quiz or its results are flawed, I just believe that the importance of each changes from moment to moment depending on
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