The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity

"the heart is the secret inside the secret"
Rumi

It's always interesting when the Moon effects me; especially during the New Moon.  I feel so open and free; unlike other Moon phases.  I haven't decoded exactly how or why things differ, but it always comes to mind during the Full Moon. At times I find myself confused by these differences and how they are so drastic. It's fascinating because not only do I feel these influences differently during each respective phase, but it is extremely different as I've grown in age as well as spiritually. To the point I find myself over-thinking what to share and how much to keep to myself.  I suspect it is because the desire to share violates my overprotective need for privacy. As I shared in Black with Some Blues the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo made a point to highjack my feelings in such a way that I was forced to not only face them, also to deal with them.  I have been thinking a lot about my future as well as the quality of this life. I used to visualize my life and how I dreamed everything would go; from career to a family and even retirement.  Without going too deep, since accepting the reality of my life, I am forced to discard those dreams; which has become devastating. Shortly after I began observing Sacred Time at 4 a.m. I recognized areas of denial, this reminded me of an entry I published on my previous blog. I recall in The Danger of Denial where I had to accept the need for medication and how I could not believe certain things until I'd honestly acknowledged their existence. Now that I find myself in a similar circumstance I had to acknowledge the fact that I have been in denial which was causing me to procrastinate on a very important matter.  

Once I realized this I became extremely anxious and depressed, which informed me that I not only needed to take a step back, but I also needed to figure out a way to move forward.  In being honest about the denial I discovered the heartache which still does not feel resolved. Nevertheless, the other aspects of this particular heartbreak have now taken a back seat to the thought that I may need to  grieve those dreams. It feels overwhelming at this age to have such a responsibility; to begin to dream again paired with the magnitude of my decisions. The other factor is this time those dreams come with the reality of limitations; or should I say, additional obstacles. As I take steps to understand who I am in addition to who I chose to become; I was forced to accept my condition more than ever. Not long after the initial diagnosis, I was advised to complete an advance directive yet since the initial suggestion (along with every suggestion after that) I found myself depressed. Of course none of us know the outcome of our lives, but when you're relatively healthy you may not consider decisions the same as someone who has health issues.  I know prior to my initial anxiety attack I thought I'd live a long, full and happy life. So the idea of making these decisions now put into thought the possibility of my life being cut short.  I then became angry; at this point I felt like a bubble of emotions and I had no idea how to express them. 

I began to pray for tears; as I've shared on various social media outlets, I rarely cry.  I remember times I'd gone years without tears; without a thought.  But realizing I had been in this state of depression and devastation for over 3 weeks made me painfully aware that if I didn't snap myself out of these feelings and begin to take steps to heal I'd lose control.  The tears began to stream slowly until the prayers reached a spot in my heart unleashing some of the hurt, resentment, anger and sadness. When the tears dried, I began to meditate and pray; for the first time asking God to restore the possibility of a long life.  I've been holding onto the fear and anger attached to the concept that life with mental illness means that the life (that I wanted) was taken from me and finding a way to make the most of the life that has been given to me. That is around the time my morbid sense of humor stepped in allowing me to look past the mental illness (briefly) and think of what I want; from the space in my heart that had been opened during this experience.

As I geared up for the complete 2nd week of February which sparks many of my favorite "holidays" I realized the intense feeling of Love had taken me hostage.  For years the "holiday season" which consists of Thanksgiving, Christmas and on occasion, New Year's are rather difficult for me; as my birth date approaches my mood can be "hit or miss", but something about Galantine's, Black Love, Valentine's and Single's Awareness Day I feel extremely different; even if only for a short while. I may have mentioned it before, I think it has something to do with the condensed energy surrounded by the commercial industry focusing on greeting cards, candy, flowers and other gifts; many of my favorite things.  This year however was a bit different as I am not in any type of relationship; other than with myself so to speak.  I won't go into the details, but I feel so detached from everything/everyone.  Yet I feel as if I am overflowing with Love. I decided that I would express my love of life, love and this particular season as I felt was most appropriate as the opportunity presents itself; if only it were that simple more often. Since the revelation of part of my sadness I decided to at least take a step in the direction of completing those documents; even if it takes baby steps to finish. The other thing is the matter of my heart, I remember, prior to the engulfment of emotions I stumbled upon something that brought to my mind the concept of metaphysics.  

As I dove into the endless research found on the topic I found another space in my heart that I had long forgotten about.  After my last "relationship" if you would call it that; I'd begun to accept the reality of long-term singleness. As I wrestled with the thought I found myself seeing someone, immediately I knew it would not develop into anything so I was delighted to block and delete. Since then my heart has grown cold. I've always been nonchalant about relationships, mainly because along with my overprotective need for privacy I also have an overwhelming dislike for commitment.  I'd loved intensely a few times and those relationships ended tragically so at some point I gave up on romantic love. I figured on some level it was not for me and I could quite honestly do without it. I still believe that to be true; yet as I am forced to prepare for the rest of my life and reflecting on life since the onset of these mental illnesses I am frieghtened of my future remaining as it has been for the past 5 years. I do not know if that means I am choosing to open myself to the possibility of other forms of love or if I am simply caught up on the Cosmos. I do know that my Soul is longing for something I have yet to experience; or perhaps an experience I've pushed so far into my subconscious that it slips my mind. 

Maybe it's the Moon,  the effects of the Moon rituals from the past 6 months or the situation I find myself in, but I feel as if the space in my heart that decided to open wants to teach me something. Maybe it was always there and I chose to ignore it until my reality forced it to confront me. I am not sure exactly why this has become my battle to face, but there is no other choice except to fight it. Although I am fighting for a life and future I did not design, how could I give up? I would not have believed if someone said to me this would be my life, as I am sure anyone else would react the same. The difference I suppose is the belief that God will not put more on us than we can bare and that all things are working together for the good... When depression, anxiety and emotions mix together you are bound to have some level of explosion; so I have made a conscious effort to saturate myself in Self Care and Self Love, listening to my Soul as I am guided where I am supposed to be. It's odd, because I have never been in this space before and it has forced me to stand on what I believe as well as discard, challenge or amend my entire way of thinking as various subjects and situations present themselves.

I don't understand much about myself anymore, in comparison to my life prior to 2012; yet I feel as if I will spend the remainder of my days (as the Most High sees fit) to not only comprehend the me of my past, the me I would like to be as well as the me I am currently.  My overall hope is that I can figure it out and detail it in a way that whatever has brought me to this point can be avoided by another. I believe that "everything happens for a reason" yet I would not wish anxiety disorder, severe depression or any other mental illness on another person under any circumstance. Surprisingly as a person who often avoids commitment, this is something I feel in my being is something worth committing to. I've even allowed myself to acknowledge some areas of my advance directive and I am ready to begin the necessary steps to have it in place. Although I pray God keeps my sanity intact, I have experienced times where it had abandoned me; which is a reality I battle daily never to endure again, but realistically, should that be the case I have to be honest with myself and prepare. Through all of the emotional turmoil the silver lining I suppose would be the fact that everything (the Cosmos, circumstances and emotions) aligned to get me to another level of acceptance.  Yes, at times I wish I could rewind time and avoid what created these conditions but seeing how that will never happen I am choosing to rebuke those thoughts and focus on the aspects of this life that are up to me to create; with the guidance of my Soul, the divine feminine energy within and the Spirit of the Most High.  

I realize, by paying attention to the Moon, the Cosmos, various philosophies, enlightenment, awareness, etc. in alignment with the Spirit of the Creator; I believe more than ever that not only does "all things work together for good" but the part of the verse after that, which we often overlook; saying "to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.", Romans 8:28 kjv. I suppose that's the "secret inside the secret" the Soul and the Spirit of God may be aware of what's happening, but we must take notice of the elements in which we abide in order to see truly how things are interconnected as well as when various situations are requiring our attention. As I realize not only the down side of not taking heed to these occurrences but the benefit of nurturing myself (especially since the onset of mental health issues) in a way that I never needed to before. I am discovering (somewhat) daily how these conditions vary from day to day and situation to situation; which forces me to take breaks in order to tune or check in with myself for triggers or unpleasantness yet still enjoy a happy, fulfilling, joyful life.  I haven't discovered that yet, but I strive to spend the rest of my days doing just that.

"it's a long old road, but I'm gonna find the end"

Bessie Smith 

Be Blessed 🌖💗✨
Kamille 

Black with Some Blues

I had another post in the works, however in the midst of gathering my thoughts I was bombarded with feelings and emotions surrounding a situation which occurred sometime ago.  Seeing how I thought I'd resolved those feelings, I even felt as if there was acceptance and closure; for some reason (I know now, the energy of the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo to be the culprit.) these feelings began bubbling up to the surface in the form of heartache.  It caught me off-guard because as I shared, I thought I had come to accept the outcome and found closure in the circumstances.  Unlike the days of old, I did not run from how I was feeling; I decided to go on the roller coaster of emotions and see what showed up on the other side.  

It's always interesting when I find myself in situations such as these, usually because when I feel as if it may be one area of my self that is calling for my attention (i.e.: heartache) there's typically several issues all relating to that concept which causes me to learn something new about myself or my perception relating to specific things.  As I began to dive into my mind and heart to find the cause of my change in mood there was a brief moment when I was afraid.  As I realized I was only scratching the surface of one issue it became painfully apparent that this particular feeling was attached to so many aspects of my life.  Things began to get somewhat "dark", but not in the stereotypical sense of the word.  I've always had somewhat of a "dark sense of humor" and on occasion, from the reality of my conditions I find myself having thoughts a bit on the morbid side.  Over the years I'd developed an awareness that this often makes people uncomfortable, so I learned early on to keep it to myself; in addition to not allowing it to get out of control.  I recall all of the preconceived notions and superstitions pressed upon me without any explanation as to why these things were "wrong", "bad" or "evil".  I laughed to myself earlier the other evening as I remembered  an exchange with my Grandfather regarding his disapproval of my black finger nail polish.  For years I would not wear it for fear of being perceived a certain way. This lead to a laundry list of things I did not do, wear, say, etc. out of someone else's disapproving comment(s) or preferences.  

I slowly began to see how as independent as I believed myself to be, there were aspects where I allowed society to control who I am.  This of course came as a shock, especially seeing how I had eliminated that way of thinking so long ago; or so I thought.  While taking "inventory" I could suddenly see how these beliefs were so subtle and many were taught to me from a very young age.  Figuring out what was no longer serving me and how I had allowed myself to overlook or dismiss these things for so long became overwhelming and I shut down.  I set my cell phone to "do not disturb" and I prayed, meditated, slept (a lot!) then finally took a few steps towards self-care.  I later decided to pour myself a drink after my thoughts lead to me remember the advance directive I've put off completing for a few years now.  I could feel myself heading towards a bout of depression so I then decided to escape my reality into the land of make believe; i.e.: binge worthy television.  I found a few things to entertain myself in hopes of lifting my spirits and was surprised by strategically placed antidotes mixed into the program I'd selected.  On an unrelated matter I took to a caption on my Instagram stating:

"it still amazes me how the answers just flow... how everything is connected and leads back to The Most High (God) when you connect the dots."

As I continued to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions various songs, television programs, social media posts as well as interactions all tied together to assist me in recognizing the phase of the journey I find myself in.  I realize with all of that I should continue to allow myself the freedom of expression, even when I feel others may not understand.   The interesting thing about it all is I felt initially as if I was heartbroken because of a person, when I am beginning to think I may have been longing for a particular part of myself that has been gone for quite some time.  I realize the strength in my spiritual practices as well as the alignment with the Universe, I mentioned I believe on twitter and maybe Instagram how things have developed since beginning the practice of Full and New Moon rituals provided by Mystic Lipstick.  I've expressed how each ritual theme coincides with an issue that comes up shortly before the Moon reaches a particular phase (Full or New Moon Phase).  As it seems this ritual was no different.  

I find myself in awe at times, because everything truly is connected.  Often times I'll look into information or various thoughts which leads to research and find myself experiencing a certain "knowing" and at times I can even recall my younger self being interested in that particular thing and being told something in which made me shy away from it.  At one point I found myself angry; I felt as if had some of my interests not been stifled at such an impressionable age my life may have taken a different route.  Or maybe some of the "bumps in the road" would have been avoided.  As I made peace with that, I knew the other expression I had been working on would have to take a back seat in order to process the past few weeks.  It wasn't until a couple of days ago when this post actually came together, I had no idea what would be expressed; until I remembered a photo (above) and how I found it humorous for various reasons, then the "title" came together after a song played in my head on a loop (lol) and finally I allowed the fingers and heart to do the talking.  Although I am not sure what will come from releasing the energy detailed in the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse ritual, I have decided that it is time to grow in this area.  Whatever that means.

I haven't gone farther than the mailbox since Thursday; with the exception of social media, I haven't interacted with more than a handful of people.  The introvert in me likes it that way, yet for my sanity I know I will need to interact with others in the very near future which is why I knew I needed to process the sadness and anger before that happened.  As I've been conscious of actually engaging in a spiritual journey I've noticed that I have neglected some of my feelings.  At times I find myself ashamed to admit when I am depressed or sad; I am forced to admit when I am anxious, mainly because suppressing those feelings often lead to circumstances I can not control.  Yet, I think subconsciously I felt that being on a spiritual path meant that I should not get angry.  I don't know where that came from or when it attached itself to my thought pattern.  I found over the past few days I was angry at times, but the way I processed it was a bit different than my old approach.  I realize I have a long road ahead of me, especially with navigating through mental health issues; but I am thankful to be in a space where I can acknowledge my growth and vulnerability, while admitting that I have much more work to do.  I am not sure at this time how much I will share publicly, but I have made the commitment to my self to allow for the necessary expression this process requires.  

To Be Continued...