Black with Some Blues

I had another post in the works, however in the midst of gathering my thoughts I was bombarded with feelings and emotions surrounding a situation which occurred sometime ago.  Seeing how I thought I'd resolved those feelings, I even felt as if there was acceptance and closure; for some reason (I know now, the energy of the Full Lunar Eclipse Moon in Leo to be the culprit.) these feelings began bubbling up to the surface in the form of heartache.  It caught me off-guard because as I shared, I thought I had come to accept the outcome and found closure in the circumstances.  Unlike the days of old, I did not run from how I was feeling; I decided to go on the roller coaster of emotions and see what showed up on the other side.  

It's always interesting when I find myself in situations such as these, usually because when I feel as if it may be one area of my self that is calling for my attention (i.e.: heartache) there's typically several issues all relating to that concept which causes me to learn something new about myself or my perception relating to specific things.  As I began to dive into my mind and heart to find the cause of my change in mood there was a brief moment when I was afraid.  As I realized I was only scratching the surface of one issue it became painfully apparent that this particular feeling was attached to so many aspects of my life.  Things began to get somewhat "dark", but not in the stereotypical sense of the word.  I've always had somewhat of a "dark sense of humor" and on occasion, from the reality of my conditions I find myself having thoughts a bit on the morbid side.  Over the years I'd developed an awareness that this often makes people uncomfortable, so I learned early on to keep it to myself; in addition to not allowing it to get out of control.  I recall all of the preconceived notions and superstitions pressed upon me without any explanation as to why these things were "wrong", "bad" or "evil".  I laughed to myself earlier the other evening as I remembered  an exchange with my Grandfather regarding his disapproval of my black finger nail polish.  For years I would not wear it for fear of being perceived a certain way. This lead to a laundry list of things I did not do, wear, say, etc. out of someone else's disapproving comment(s) or preferences.  

I slowly began to see how as independent as I believed myself to be, there were aspects where I allowed society to control who I am.  This of course came as a shock, especially seeing how I had eliminated that way of thinking so long ago; or so I thought.  While taking "inventory" I could suddenly see how these beliefs were so subtle and many were taught to me from a very young age.  Figuring out what was no longer serving me and how I had allowed myself to overlook or dismiss these things for so long became overwhelming and I shut down.  I set my cell phone to "do not disturb" and I prayed, meditated, slept (a lot!) then finally took a few steps towards self-care.  I later decided to pour myself a drink after my thoughts lead to me remember the advance directive I've put off completing for a few years now.  I could feel myself heading towards a bout of depression so I then decided to escape my reality into the land of make believe; i.e.: binge worthy television.  I found a few things to entertain myself in hopes of lifting my spirits and was surprised by strategically placed antidotes mixed into the program I'd selected.  On an unrelated matter I took to a caption on my Instagram stating:

"it still amazes me how the answers just flow... how everything is connected and leads back to The Most High (God) when you connect the dots."

As I continued to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions various songs, television programs, social media posts as well as interactions all tied together to assist me in recognizing the phase of the journey I find myself in.  I realize with all of that I should continue to allow myself the freedom of expression, even when I feel others may not understand.   The interesting thing about it all is I felt initially as if I was heartbroken because of a person, when I am beginning to think I may have been longing for a particular part of myself that has been gone for quite some time.  I realize the strength in my spiritual practices as well as the alignment with the Universe, I mentioned I believe on twitter and maybe Instagram how things have developed since beginning the practice of Full and New Moon rituals provided by Mystic Lipstick.  I've expressed how each ritual theme coincides with an issue that comes up shortly before the Moon reaches a particular phase (Full or New Moon Phase).  As it seems this ritual was no different.  

I find myself in awe at times, because everything truly is connected.  Often times I'll look into information or various thoughts which leads to research and find myself experiencing a certain "knowing" and at times I can even recall my younger self being interested in that particular thing and being told something in which made me shy away from it.  At one point I found myself angry; I felt as if had some of my interests not been stifled at such an impressionable age my life may have taken a different route.  Or maybe some of the "bumps in the road" would have been avoided.  As I made peace with that, I knew the other expression I had been working on would have to take a back seat in order to process the past few weeks.  It wasn't until a couple of days ago when this post actually came together, I had no idea what would be expressed; until I remembered a photo (above) and how I found it humorous for various reasons, then the "title" came together after a song played in my head on a loop (lol) and finally I allowed the fingers and heart to do the talking.  Although I am not sure what will come from releasing the energy detailed in the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse ritual, I have decided that it is time to grow in this area.  Whatever that means.

I haven't gone farther than the mailbox since Thursday; with the exception of social media, I haven't interacted with more than a handful of people.  The introvert in me likes it that way, yet for my sanity I know I will need to interact with others in the very near future which is why I knew I needed to process the sadness and anger before that happened.  As I've been conscious of actually engaging in a spiritual journey I've noticed that I have neglected some of my feelings.  At times I find myself ashamed to admit when I am depressed or sad; I am forced to admit when I am anxious, mainly because suppressing those feelings often lead to circumstances I can not control.  Yet, I think subconsciously I felt that being on a spiritual path meant that I should not get angry.  I don't know where that came from or when it attached itself to my thought pattern.  I found over the past few days I was angry at times, but the way I processed it was a bit different than my old approach.  I realize I have a long road ahead of me, especially with navigating through mental health issues; but I am thankful to be in a space where I can acknowledge my growth and vulnerability, while admitting that I have much more work to do.  I am not sure at this time how much I will share publicly, but I have made the commitment to my self to allow for the necessary expression this process requires.  

To Be Continued...