Cleansing- New Discoveries

“You must face annihilation over and over again to find what is indestructible in yourself .”  

- Pema Chodron

As you may recall I began the master cleanse about a week ago and to say this has been the most difficult one would be an understatement. I realize the importance of easing in; on day 5 I had yet to get through the day without eating something, no matter how small the proportion. I learned around the second or third cleanse that I tend to be an emotional eater; so once a day I allowed myself a bite or two to get totally in tune with why I’ve chosen to complete the cleanse at this time as well as listening to my doubts and reassuring myself through the fears. I no longer criticize myself for that choice; especially during the first few days. Approaching day 6 felt like day 1; unlike my first few cleanses years ago. I believe I had a different mindset then, not to mention I was nearly a decade younger. After being inactive for the past few years have started to show and it’s taking much more will power and determination to push through the hard times. Day 7 I took a break, I ate a bit; making sure to check in with myself and noticed at the end of the day I ate something to “feel better”. The thing is, I had a great day, so I was a bit confused after the emotional eating took place. That’s the thing, before I thought I’d experience that when I had an unpleasant moment, but after reading an article I learned that I should redirect my thoughts from associating emotional eating with weakness and shame to things that are positive and affirming. 

Day 8,  I felt better about my ability to complete the cleanse successfully for as many days as I choose. With particular goals in mind I’ve decided to continue the cleanse beyond the 10 day suggestion. I feel as if I’d neglected my physical being in the time I was preoccupied with my mental, emotional and spiritual well being and as a result I misused food as a coping mechanism. Those habits came to the light early that morning; which makes me think of healthy ways to break these habits. I concluded talking to my therapist about it will be the best approach as this is an area I am unfamiliar with. I think I need assistance with continuing to allow myself to eat emotionally as the article suggests, but without the fear of weight gain. I feel a sense of clarity, perhaps it’s because I’m typing this during my sacred time; that’s the time of the day that I intentionally focus on prayer, meditation, introspection and such. In addition it’s the phase of the Moon, the eclipse that’s approaching as well as other exciting events I am looking forward to. 

Funny, I rarely feel this way around this time of year; normally I am full of anxiety regarding various memorial days in my life. I know that’s due to the growth and maturity that’s come from all of the self-care, introspection, inner child as well as shadow work I’ve been practicing for the past several years. The other day I wrote out an outline of my goals and reasonable steps to accomplish them. I feel as if I am in the right space at the right time, which is a new feeling for me. With my ruling planet, Saturn in retrograde along with its other transits I feel as if I’ve been tested and I’m nearing the other side to that. The happy feelings continue to boost my morale along with the cleanse detoxifying my body; noticeable by clearer skin in the beginning. I can see myself as I once did and it makes me enthusiastic about the months to come. I suppose this is when I begin to think of my birthday behavior and what I choose to do to celebrate myself. Although it’s not a milestone age I intend to treat it as such since this year was hijacked by Covid. 

So far I think that has been what’s helped me maintain this emotional and mental space, I’ve noticed I have more things to look forward to as I’ve surrendered my will to that of my Creator on a new level. I feel my vibration or as some would call it, my frequency evolving. This used to scare me however now I am learning to embrace it all. I feel as if I not only held back with my words on the blogs and even in terms of relationships with others I may have held my will from God. I think I’ve been in the mode of survival for so long I forgot that I don’t have to tackle everything in my life alone. Left to myself to “figure” things out. Realizing that God as well as my angels, guides and ancestors are with me has changed something in me that I have yet to put into words. This makes me smile; something I haven’t done as much as I may have needed to. I see that as well, more smiling and laughter; just more of the things I told myself I didn’t deserve because I was unhappy with my appearance. 

I’m learning to embrace the imperfections as I am working to correct them. Which is easier to say than to do at times, I think this is just the right cocktail of energy for dreams to come true... As the above quote states I believe I have found a layer of myself that is indestructible. I thought I knew myself at my core, but now I’m realizing the level of self-love I’ve been showing myself has unlocked a special space of intimacy from within...

To be continued. 

Learning To Fly

“Don’t forget to love her. The little girl you used to be. Perhaps She lies within you. Untucked. Sleeping peacefully.”

“Nurture.” By Kiana Llanos

It took me awhile to embody this quote; until in meditation I asked her, my inner child, “what do you need?”. What happened from there made me realize how much growth I’ve experienced in the past few years. I think by asking that question then being silent as she told me areas where I could put more attention towards myself I was at peace. I felt myself untucked, loved and appreciated. I realized all of these years focusing on self-care and self-love is finally beginning to show. Recently I had a conversation with someone and they mentioned me having a “glow” about me. I was ecstatic; mainly because that’s one of the goals I set for myself after so many terrible years dealing with mental issues. I let myself dim, for various reasons; all of which have been placed in their proper context.

I feel anew; as if I’m on the horizon of another goal I’ve set. I intend to begin the master cleanse next week; I have a newfound appreciation for my body, allowing me to successfully complete it three times in the past. I am believing my body will adjust and allow me to complete it again. I want to shed some pounds, but that’s not what it’s all about, I think that’s where things went left on the past few attempts. I was solely focused on physical results as opposed to a physical and spiritual cleansing. I see myself the way I want to be and I know the only thing standing in the way of that is myself. I began walking and was discouraged by the pace I found myself traveling, I remember running and hiking yet I’m walking at a snails pace. It wasn’t until I looked myself in the mirror and assured myself that I would get back to that in due time. 

I have a habit of putting so much pressure on myself I end up self-sabotaging; which is one things that I’ve monitored once I was aware of it. I feel as if this Chiron retrograde is allowing me to uncover wounds so subtle I never realized they were there, shaping certain behavior. I am proud of the woman that I am, for many reasons, but mainly because I know what I went through to come back to her. I don’t know where you may be in your journey or at what pace you find yourself navigating, but I hope to encourage you (am myself) to keep going. I know when it comes to weight loss (or whatever may be challenging for you); time and consistency really are the greatest tools to overcome obstacles. Be patient with yourself, love yourself through all of your phases and stay positive; even when you may not want to. At least that’s what I’m learning and re-learning on the journey I find myself on. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨