on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...

been so long

“Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking, loving, and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning.” ~ 

Elie Wiesel

I saw the Full Moon days ago, it was in the early morning when the day is still and there's hardly anyone out. I sat in silence and took in each breath; praying then meditating. With much on my mind I've neglected writing, again... that crossed my mind during meditation, the fact that I haven't been writing. I've  always preferred the night; I agree with the quote above regarding how it's better for thinking, loving and dreaming, I tend to write mostly in the night hours. I especially love when the Moon is full although I tend to begin writing and somehow the night gets away from me and before I know it a month has gone by; like recently. I've been keeping up with my health; mind, body, soul and spirit; which occupies a lot of my time, sometimes forgetting to write altogether. Something I know I need to be mindful of, however I am hoping the second half of the year will lead me to write more. 

I think I was depressed about a particular situation that did not go the way I intended it to, so I had to grieve the loss of what I thought "could have been". I didn't realize the amount of energy that takes, but I am glad to be out of the fog of it all. In the moment I feel a bit melancholy and I am unsure why; I think it could be the aforementioned situation or perhaps something altogether different which may come to mind at a later time. I think with the current retrogrades (Mercury, Pluto and Saturn) along with other aspects of the cosmos may be where these emotions stem from. Not to mention the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Gemini, June 10, 2021; the energy is heavy for me and I am unsure why that is. The energy regarding Mercury is believed to be surrounded by communication, Pluto generates energy surrounding rebirth and renewal while Saturn refers to responsibility and maturity. At this time I feel as if I am beginning a rebirth as I mentioned in tuning in which ties in with responsibility to myself as well as how I communicate with myself and others.

I began a tarot spread titled "monthly check-in" and the second card represents the theme of the month; I then pulled "the star" card (upright) which represents: hope, faith, purpose, renewal and spirituality. many of the things I am sharing in this expression. If you follow the link, although the cards used differ from my own the message was well received concerning being my authentic self and finding my purpose. All things I've shared on the blogs over the years. The next card represents "a key goal to pursue", which lead me to pull "the queen of wands" (upright) representing courage, confidence, independence, social butterfly and determination. I feel as if this is a goal of mine because I tend to neglect the blogs when I feel some type of way or my confidence is a little weary due to over-thinking in regards to what to share and what to keep private. One thing the website mentions is embracing the shadow side of myself and not being afraid of what that looks like. When asked "an obstacle to overcome" I pulled "the eight of swords" (upright) which focuses on negative thoughts and such; one of many things I've made a conscious effort to subdue. One of the key parts for me when I read "as you change your thoughts, you change your reality". As stated that's something I've been putting a lot of effort, being mindful of my thoughts as well as my words. One thing I've noticed is along with not writing often, I don't talk a lot, which has been the case for a while. With the exception of smoking a strain with the side effect of talkativeness, I am often quiet. 

The next card is regarding a major accomplishment; to which I pulled "the Moon" (upright)... how appropriate, with mention of the Moon phase (approaching a New Moon) during Mercury retrograde sums up everything. Before starting the tarot spread I told myself to trust my intuition and surely the cards are confirming that I am. I think that's why I felt melancholy at the beginning of this post, I was wrapped up in various thoughts and emotions while the retrogrades and my own personal circumstances left me feeling some type of way. But thanks to Golden Ticket and a sativa hash named Strawberry & Cream my mood has improved tremendously. I feel guided, perhaps by my higher self, guardian angels, the Universe and God; it's as if the timing of the questions accompanied by the cards pulled thus far seem almost scripted. I had the music playing, but as I continued to read various sites along with writing, I decided on silence to assist with my focus. I feel as if my major accomplishment has been to trust my intuition more than I have in the past, by over-thinking and doubting myself. I feel more confident in my readings as I'm learning to let go of what I can't control; while realizing I don't actually control anything. 

When asked "what to embrace" I pulled "the chariot" (upright) which discusses control, willpower, success, action and determination. I feel that ties in as I am focusing more on certain aspects of my life and brainstorming ways to bring them in alignment with the path I find myself on. I must embrace my willpower and determination regarding these matters in order to be successful. I know that, but at times the doubt and negative thoughts began to talk me out of staying the course. However this time feels different, I continue to see success along my weight loss journey; where it's noticeable to others and not just myself. I am proud of that, especially since I've been at it for quite some time; finally seeing results. Then the spread asks "where to find support" which pulled "the wheel of fortune" (upright) interestingly enough it mentions guides and the support of the Universe; also mentioned above. The last card to pull focused on "advice and encouragement", I then pulled "the fool" (upright) which speaks of new beginnings, free spiritedness, innocence and spontaneity. The tarot deck I have is by Mystic Mondays and it literally says "... this is a time to really discover yourself in new ways and explore your options. Trust your gut, listen to your heart and believe in yourself. Once you let go, the Universe will support you on this exciting beginning of your journey." while the passage on the website states "you must step into the unknown, trusting that the Universe will catch you and escort you along the way."

After completing the tarot spread I asked my higher self to sum everything up for me and I then attracted "the strength" (upright); mentioning the chariot and speaking of determination. I feel as if I am in alignment with my higher self lately and this reading reaffirmed that for me. I'm in a good place overall; filling myself with gratitude and thankfulness, being appreciative for the many blessings in my life as opposed to fixating on troubles, worries, anxiety and the like... I haven't been to the beach in many Moons;   it's been ages since I walked to the shore and put my feet in the ocean, I believe I need to change that. I'm going to plan a beach day and pray my anxiety doesn't keep me in the car. I feel better than I did when I began this post. I feel as if a weight has been lifted which also lets me know the energy cleansing I've been doing is helping as well. As I navigate through this life, I feel more grounded; something that is not always easy to do as a Capricorn (Sun Sign). I also activated a zodiac cleanse in my Sun sign in order to cleanse any predisposed trauma and the energy I feel exiting my being has been quite heavy. I am grateful to my guides and my higher self for directing me to various readings, the intuition of completing a tarot reading and taking the time with myself to allow the words to come. I am thankful for this outlet in which I can share myself with you all in what I feel may be my safest space. I feel lighter, but with many thoughts rushing through my mind; thoughts of hope and faith. 

I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and making time for self-care and mental health breaks. It's also good to be social (within reason) as loneliness can be a terrible thing; especially for the social butterflies of the world. I am more of an introvert so for me not much has changed pre and post pandemic. I do miss my movie nights as I don't know how I feel about going to the theater just yet along with star gazing at Griffith Parks, public star parties which have not been scheduled for 2021. I do however need to find a hobby; something inexpensive yet satisfying, I haven't figured that out. One of many things flowing through my train of thought; this time with a hopefulness that things will work out to my highest good. I feel myself leaning towards painting which I've mentioned many times on the blog; I also want to get back into yoga and hiking. In addition to running and exercising it seems I have plenty to do to occupy my time and accomplish some goals in the process. I also need to figure out some new goals aside from physical and financial; I suppose I have emotional and spiritual goals, which presents itself in the form of energy clearing, prayer and meditation. The music is on again and the lyrics which caught my attention says "take me to the Moon, I want to be with the stars" which is exactly how I feel in this moment. 

That's something I've been working on as well, being present; in the moment. Respecting each breath, each thought, each word spoken. I guess that's why I've been quiet lately; speaking words I wish to appear in my reality for the good rather than complaints, gossip and such. I feel encouraged, as if the Universe is conspiring to bring forth miracles and blessings which I am looking forward to. I hope you all are staying positive and present in your life. One thing this pandemic has taught me has been to be present and enjoy what comes in this life. As cliché as it sounds we truly do not know what the day holds for us, things change at times in the blink of an eye so we must preserve the moments and be thankful. 

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨