on my mind

"she may not understand the world, but she understands herself. and that's the most divine thing about her"  unknown

I've been thinking a lot about my purpose again; this time allowing myself to embody whatever it is that my spirit knows. I found myself looking for inspiration; not only in writing, but in life in general. I now know why it took so long between expressions recently; I was not inspired to write, not even in my personal journals. I haven't written in them for quite some time; then I found a hybrid strain called Dream Walker (Blue Dream x Skywalker OG) which is said to have the effects of blissfulness and creativity. After smoking that last week the words found me. I was thinking and feeling emotions I thought were healed; in some ways they were, but in other ways I still have some growing to do. I used to have some regrets, when they resurfaced I saw angles in which I had never thought of before. I had been "beating myself up" for a decision I made recently, that is until I saw things from a different perspective; rather than allowing myself to dwell in that low vibrational energy I decided to see all sides of the decision made and come to terms with it being in the past and moving forward. I think Mercury Retrograde played a part in that self discovery. In my mind and through dreams I had to deal with my past and assure myself of the things I know to be true of it. 

I enjoyed the Full Moon; it's brightness and beauty nearly had me mesmerized, I thought of many words to share with you all, but under the circumstances of the past week I was unable to make the time and space writing requires. Once I was in a position to write, I found myself at a loss for words; that is until I meditated and attempted to listen to the sayings of my heart, that's where the following quote comes in:

 "my mouth can't translate the things my heart says"- Jin Akanishi 

I often find myself stalling while I write, always looking for something else to do instead of capturing the things I truly would like to say from my heart. At times certain people come to mind as I type, thinking and censoring some of the things I share for fear they may read the words and feel a way. Other times my thoughts are of topics I'm learning about or feel a way about, but I feel as if I may not know enough to share.  The more I think the more I smoke until I'm out of my head and able to allow the words to flow through me. I'm feeling better today than I have in quite some time; although my daily concoction of meds and marijuana helps keep me balanced. I was introduced to a stain called Alien OG which is said to have the effects of creativity as well, between the music and the weed I feel my brain tingling. I love this feeling, only special strains make me feel this way.

I signed up for a painting event, it's not until July; however I am excited and thinking of designs in my head. Aside from wine tasting last month I've been sticking as much as possible to the stay-at-home order; outside of essential outings I've been in the house like many of you. To say that I am in much need of something fun and creative to do would be an understatement. As usual the music is playing and the room is filled with smoke, I recently learned that the scent vanilla is supposed to bring luck and happiness, both of which I aim to manifest in my life on a daily basis. I'm back to my favorite Golden Ticket strain, which also has attributes of creativity; one of the things I look for when buying different strains. I don't usually smoke several different strains this close together, but I suppose this was a special occasion. Seeing how it's the first few days of Summer, Full Moon, several retrogrades and whatever else has been brewing in the Cosmos. 

I poured a glass of wine and let the lyrics take me to another realm; filled with well wishes and happy thoughts. I feel connected to something bigger than myself; I feel the energy of my family and other loved ones. I begin to feel free, in a space where I seem to be hovering over myself as I type. I think because I've been thinking about Ayahuasca a lot lately, I have no idea where the train of thought began, but I was shortly reminded that I can't take it due to mental health issues. However, that doesn't stop me from imagining; the same as I do with mushrooms. I know it's not in my best interest to ingest any of those substances, but I do wonder at times how I'd react to them. Years ago I contacted a retreat that offered an ayahuasca experience and after the questionnaire was when I learned that my mental health conditions would prevent me from participating. By remembering that I think it goes along with thoughts regarding my purpose; giving acknowledgement to my being (which I believe is the soul and spirit of a person). When I smoke I feel as if my consciousness is elevated, I feel as if my third eye is stimulated and my pineal gland is being activated in a new way.  

My dreams have been vivid lately, I think it has a lot to do with the Neptune Retrograde (approximately June 20th or 25th, 2021 through December 1st or 2nd, 2021. Neptune is believed to assist with intuition and psychic abilities which would make sense of my dreams. Some mornings I spend it in bed dreaming because the dreams feel almost real; then I awake and go about my day. Lately, I've had a difficult time filling my day with activities; I have limited interest in a lot of things I used to enjoy. I have a few books that I'm reading, but I find myself taking breaks before I finish them; the same with television. I'm finding it harder and harder to complete a show or series, I get bored or the writing takes a turn and I loose interest. I should've mentioned that in therapy today, but it slipped my mind. I don't feel depressed, but I do feel as if I may be in a rut. Now that I've recognized that, I intend to find ways to combat the feeling. I think if I realized my purpose I'd begin a new and possibly exciting chapter of my life, which should eliminate these feelings of purposelessness. I wonder, have you found your purpose? When did you realize your purpose? What was the experience? How did you know that was what you were meant to do? Those are some of the questions I ask myself often, I suppose that's why I have yet to understand it; because when I get to the question of if I know it's what I'm meant to do I begin the questions all over again.

To be continued...