two blunts and a bowl

 "maybe you are searching among the branches, for what only appears in the roots"

Rumi

The energy of the New Moon has me in my feelings, giving me a craving for Cherry Pie I suppose wanting to experience the feelings of relaxation and another space in happiness. I think I've been a little moody lately; I am not sure because I tend to spend a lot of time with myself and my puppy. He got high today, usually when I smoke he leaves the room; for some unknown reason he decided to stay (I think I attribute that to the Moon as well). After nearly a year I have yet to unpack and at times that makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point I don't know where to begin. As I was reading my blog I was reminded of my hopes and dreams, especially the new ones, giving them the time and space necessary to develop. I haven't thought about that strain in quite some time, I couldn't even begin to guess how many years it's been. Yet, I recall the feeling of it and the thoughts that came to mind during those moments. It was a time when life was good and I was in what I feel was my best health (mentally as well as physically). Yesterday I came across photographs that were "coincidentally" in alignment with the thoughts on my mind. In that moment I smiled. Feeling as if I can manifest a similar reality, understanding that the way my life was will not be the same as it would be now based on particular experiences which have contributed to my growth (mind, body and spirit).

At times I feel as if I pick myself apart, seeing how I know of a few areas yearning for my attention I have a slight case of anxiety in getting started. I know beginning is the first step I need to get over followed by consistency. I recall a time when I'd walk/run for five (5) miles a day, every day; I long for those days to come again so I joined a gym, although I have yet to schedule my first session the fact that I joined is a step in the right direction. I feel rested, which makes that saying "a body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest stays at rest"; I think that's the reason I've been so reluctant to get in the gym and actually begin exercising. As Pink Floyd plays in the background I am reminded of a friend who I miss dearly, I mentioned before how his birthday was earlier this month. One of the last times I saw him, we sat in his backyard; talking, listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album while he smoked. In the silent moments we watched the stars. I stumbled across a photo of him as well, remembering moments we shared and conversations had. So many confirmations of the feeling that I've felt connected to him recently, knowing I can cherish the memories and not long for a time that is long gone. 

I've been doing that lately, letting go of longing for things to be as they were once upon a time. Understanding that I must allow space for new moments and experiences with new people as well as those currently apart of my being. I decided to pack my bowl with nothing but hash and the high combined with the vibe has sent me out of this world, I feel as if I am in my own little bubble; which reminds me of this bubble gum hash I had in 2016 (chef's kiss). That's an experience I'd like to have again, anticipating what the effects would be now that I'm in another space. I've been proud of myself lately, taking a newfound approach to various practices I can see the improvements and I am encouraged to continue. I began reading a book on "The Power of Habits" and I can see now how I've been focused on my habits for a while now, as mentioned in my last post, new dreams. Seeing how I've grown with each new responsibility and how I am handling things given my conditions, I feel at peace. In the past I would have had an anxiety or panic attack at some point, but these days I take many deep breaths and move forward; with the exception of unpacking and exercising more. I've been thinking and talking about growth a lot, I believe as the new year and a new age approaches it has that on my mind.  

I feel as if I've began searching my roots, not in the aspect of ancestry, but more like the roots of my soul. I used to be afraid of diving into the deepest parts of my self; now not so much. I figure if I began to familiarize myself with that aspect of me the branches will blossom.I am not sure my therapist understands me, or at least how to "treat" me since I am not having manic episodes. That says a lot seeing how we've been in a pandemic for too long to remember. I have got to teach myself how to roll a joint, I taught myself how to roll blunts and bowls are simple; joints have been problematic for me. Tonight seems like a time for a joint, especially since I've already have two (2) blunts and a bowl. I completed a tarot spread then brought out the Golden Ticket, one I've experienced only via cannabis oil as of late.  And just like that, I rolled my first smokeable joint. As 4am approaches and I am no closer to sleep than I was at 4pm, yesterday. The music is on random and of course Pandora is trying me with the song selection at times, but a good vibe nonetheless. I can not seem to find my crystals; while packing, I moved them at the last minute and can't remember where I put them and since I haven't fully unpacked (as mentioned earlier) I don't know where to begin looking; then I get overwhelmed again. I've meditated and asked the Universe to show me where they are and I am patiently awaiting the reveal. 

I had to switch to Tidal because Pandora was effecting my vibe. For a quick second I felt as if I had ADD; I don't know if I want to continue writing and listening to music, read or unpack and manifest discovering my crystals. I think I'll brew a cup of coffee and allow my thoughts to lead me on what to do. Before making my coffee; which I infused with cannabis oil, I read a bit from my book while listening to music. I feel energetic as if at some point of the day I'll do a bit of cleaning and unpacking. I don't know why I'm stalling when it comes to unpacking, I won't "woulda, coulda, shoulda" myself about it since that dwells on the past and there's nothing I can do to go back and do things differently. As 6am soon come I realize I may not sleep until the afternoon, if then. I began microdosing since I added the oil to my coffee as not to get so high I end up getting sleepy or tripping. The Beatles play and I am feeling all of the feelings throughout my body, reminding me to schedule a time to see my chiropractor as well as my masseuse, I feel the stress moving around causing slight discomfort. 

The thing about oil is it acts like an edible and the effects "kicks in" randomly. My dog is dreaming, and snoring; I think it's cute and it makes me happy to know his high didn't cause him a bad trip. That happens from time to time, I can tell by his behavior while he's asleep. Pink Floyd is on again, this time one of my favorite songs by them, "Shine On You Crazy Diamond (pts. 1-5)"; I don't know what it is about this song that gives me thoughts of nostalgia. Followed by "Closer" by Goapele, which makes me feel focused and optimistic for the future that I am manifesting. Times like these make me feel as if the Universe is speaking to me through the music as the lyrics are so close to what's been on my mind. My neighbors are beginning to leave for work and I feel slightly melancholy because I am not in a position to work anytime soon. I've had memories in my dreams regarding previous days at work, especially around the "anniversary" of my initial anxiety attack nearly ten (10) years ago. I see improvement on how I handled the "anniversaries" of my hire date thirteen (13) years ago and the day of the illness. I see my blessings and I am grateful for where I am today. 

I still don't feel the oil yet, at least not in a bold way, it's quite subtle. For some reason I'm feeling the indica side more than sativa, that's the thing about hybrid's, you don't really know how the effects will present themselves. As I begin to plan my day, thoughts of having a spa day or as I like to call it, a "Kamille Appreciation Day"; I decide that's a fantastic idea! Retirement is interesting; I recall being drunk at a friend's house many Moon's ago and I went on a rant about a statement claiming to have a life where "Everyday is Saturday", meaning I'd have time to run errands, relax and do whatever tasks I find for myself. In a way that's my life. With the exception of Sunday. My days of being drunk are long gone, but that statement stuck with me, the trouble I seem to have had thus far has been finding what I'm passionate about to fill the days. Today I intend to unpack a bit, rest, wash my hair and go to the gym for thirty (30) minutes to an hour. I feel balanced, yet looking forward to my therapy session on Monday; I've given a bit of thought regarding our last session and I know I have more thinking to do before the next. I have yet to finish my coffee, but I am feeling the effects of the cannabis I've had today (hash, flower and oil). I've decided to do some unpacking and allow the day to flow from there. I pray you all are well. I hope to share again in the near future; until then, be well.

Kamille 💗✨

new dreams

I had a cough for about a month or so; which contributed to my lack of expressions on the blogs and social media. I am much better now, which lets me know that it was not anything to be concerned about. Since I was monitoring my cough I choose not to smoke marijuana during that time, I noticed a difference in myself when I was "sober"; I've learned a few things about some habits I have that I need to "break", I've also learned to acknowledge my value and how I see myself. I believe during my impromptu tolerance break I took a dive into my self; I thought a bit about what my passions are and what new dreams I may have. I did notice a change in my dreams while sleeping, the day dreams have almost remained the same. I feel as if a new life is awaiting me, a life I will be happy in and find passion and joy. I also gave thought into what inspires me since what used to inspire doesn't have that effect any longer. A while ago there was a night where a peaceful rain showered my neighborhood, it was delightful. With the New Moon, I felt as if the past (up until this point) was being washed away and with the dawning of the Sun new goals and dreams were being formed. As New Moon's symbolize new beginnings I felt it divine that my tolerance break ended at this time. Then I studied a tarot spread which focuses on the New Moon in Libra and asks about harmony, balance and companionship, all areas I've been giving much thought to. The cards drawn to me were loving and "coincidentally" in alignment with my recent thoughts and feelings, especially after recognizing areas in need of work. I couldn't sleep that night, the rain was too nice and I had a lot on my mind; then inspiration came and I decided to write. 

I intended to be social last month, with a wedding and a couple gatherings scheduled; I began to feel anxiety and then I allowed it to show me what was necessary for me to deal with and move past those feelings. I allowed the anxiety to transmute into excitement, since I am happy for the people beginning a new chapter in their lives as well as the one I feel on the horizon for myself. As I drifted off to sleep I kept thinking about winning the lottery. I feel like its a sign for me to play, I think I'm waiting on the right energy to do so; I figure I'm not ready to play as long as I have doubts about winning. I'm praying for the right time and place to make my move, that way I feel as though I'd be sure to win. Aside from a few purchases for myself I'd do good with the abundance, when I finally went to sleep I had pleasant dreams about just that. I've been in my feelings a lot lately, thinking about what I want for the near future and at times I draw a blank while other times I know exactly what I'd like to happen. I feel as if it's in those moments I am manifesting my reality. I was happy to hear the differences in myself have been noticeable. Seeing how I spend a lot of time and energy on self-improvement, it's always nice when it becomes clear to others as well. I began therapy recently and I will admit it has been helping me keep myself balanced. 

As John Coltrane plays in the background I feel mellow, I attribute that to the Golden Ticket; cannabis oil I added to my coffee the past couple of days. As I dive deep into my thoughts I realize an area where I feel overwhelmed, now that I am aware of this I can find ways to alleviate the anxiety surrounding it. Today I am reminded of a friend who was so instrumental in my growth as it is his birthday; yet he isn't here to celebrate it. The past few night's I've enjoyed the Crescent Moon. I love the Moon through all of her phases, however this time the energy of the Crescent Moon hit me differently. I felt more in tuned with myself; if a new and refreshing way. It's been a while since I've shared and I will admit, it feels a bit odd as the words flow together differently from my mind to my fingers as I type them. Faced with various distractions I am glad to be able to share again, along with therapy, I find it therapeutic. I hope you all are well, I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to preparing for the New Year. I want to get more focused on my goals and dreams next year; well, beginning now throughout the New Year. I like this feeling, it feels like possibility and opportunity; as if there has been a transformation of sorts. As if I can feel my "glow up" approaching, with adding more fitness into my lifestyle and adjusting various self-care as well as dietary products. I've learned the long and hard way of crash dieting and how it does not work well for me, now that I am seeing results from the changes I've made; I am encouraged to continue. 

To be continued...