a change has come

"I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself."

Fyodor Dostoevsky (1821- 1881)

I spoke with my neurologist the other day as a follow up concerning the stroke I experienced last August. I've learned to read the after visit summary and doctor's notes when they are available through the health center's portal. That was the first time I've read the location within my brain where the stroke occurred. The neurologist never disclosed such information to me, however, since the introduction to psychology course I took in the beginning of the Spring semester; learning the inner workings of the brain I understood a level of gratitude that surpassed what I felt before. Had the severity of the stroke been more impactful, I could have been subjected to a quality of life vastly different than what I see in my prayers. The alternative to what the experience was and what it could have been is— I would have passed to another realm of being...

The different ways in which the experience could have gone, I am beyond grateful and thankful of the grace, compassion, and mercy God showed me. The experience of the stroke was intriguing as I was driving on the freeway and did not know I had a stroke until the following day. The stroke created a symptom of double vision, which lead the doctors to believe it occurred in one area of the brain; initially a doctor told me, my vision would remain that way permanently. I said "no, it won't" and let it go; later an ophthalmologist said, I may need surgery to correct it, again, I said "no, I won't"; he then stated that with time the condition could "correct itself on it's own". However, he suggested I see another type of optometrist to prescribe glasses with a prism to eliminate the occurrence of double vision. I will admit, I made the appointment yet with more thought, prayer, and meditation; I believed God would heal me without the need for surgery or "special" glasses to see as I have. Not only did God correct the double vision, follow up appointments showed improvement— leaving the doctors astonished by how quickly and precisely the healing occurred. 

Further investigation confirmed a different location, initially, I was unsure why the neurologist decided not to disclose the complete information about the stroke; until I researched the area and what it means for that part of the brain to be affected.  Perhaps there was a question of how that information could affect me as a person who experiences mental health issues. I then researched the spiritual meaning of a stroke in that particular area, which spoke of shifting consciousness as well as spiritual awakening; reflecting upon the time of the stroke [August 2024] and the knowledge of this information [April 2025] I can attest to the experience of the feelings confirming and affirming the revelation of my purpose and the why of my mind, heart, and soul to pursue the goals of my dreams. 

As I felt the energy of the past New Moon, the current Waxing Crescent in Cancer has shown emotional growth as a result of the shadow work I have been doing for some time. As the smoke fills the air and the music speaks of being in alignment of our dreams which I have interpreted as feeling the connection of your self [mind, body, soul intertwined as one]. I am encouraged to continue along my path, with a knowing that I am in alignment with God, myself, and my aspirations. After learning more of the Saturn Ring Plane Crossing and it's affects on Capricorn [Sun Sign], I feel even more attuned to my self. Recognizing personal as well as emotional growth, areas to focus on improving, while acknowledging areas I am not ready to explore as of yet. I have released many limiting beliefs, thoughts, and energies as I called in gentleness, compassion, and love. Nurturing myself in areas of discipline, self-care, self- love, and elevation. Determined to realize the woman of my dreams— my higher self as my mind, body, and soul visualize myself throughout my dreams or vision I have of my future self.    

Experiencing an awakening within my biological and astrological make up has brought about a deeper understanding of many things around me. Observing myself making different decisions, trusting my intuition, and healing the wounds of lifetimes I do not remember. Showing a willingness to have the honest yet difficult conversations we often avoid, with an openness to gain an alternate perspective, and desire to find resolution. I will admit, I've felt this energy before and it scared me; this time I recognize how I have matured [spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically]. With the inner work I've been participating in and the level of honesty I am being with myself has brought about a knowing from within that has liberated me from some of the oppressive bonds we are indoctrinated with. In my opinion, these bonds clip our wings of possibility for our creative abilities and imagination to flourish and thrive. 

I am reminded of a time when this particular song [which is currently playing for the 4th time today] was difficult for me to hear and eventually I grew to detest it, as I felt as if my dreams were unattainable; so a song suggesting aligning with the energy of being "closer to my dreams" was like a slap in the face of the life I desire yet situations created circumstances making those visions feel as if they were impossible for me. I've come to delight in the transformation of seeking to align with the energy of my dreams to yearning to find that energy and now embodying the feelings associated with accomplishing the goals I've been gifted to envision. The idea that I experienced an instant of unconsciousness as I drove with slight vision impairment to later discover I'd experienced a stroke brings thoughts to the other near- death experiences and moments of unconsciousness I've had in this lifetime [thus far].      

During the challenging times of my Philosophy- Symbolic Logic course [I am counting down until the final exam is completed!] there was a moment when I recognized a paradigm shift in consciousness as I did not understand the concept, then in a wink my mind expanded and suddenly understanding, knowledge, and wisdom entered with a whisper of insightfulness so subtle had I not been in that state of mind I may have misinterpreted it. While in meditation as well as the pseudo- spiritual practice of cannabis use with the intention of stimulating the endocannabinoid system/ receptors within the body in an effort to elevate consciousness as well as activate my pineal gland, I was no longer afraid when the expected effects began to shine forth. Since the cancer diagnosis, treatment, stroke, and recovery I am no longer the girl searching for meaning and purpose. With each step in the direction of well-being, I began to walk in the footsteps paved by my higher self, along the unique journey orchestrated by Infinite Intelligence and my soul.          

The song "I know I've been changed" comes to mind as I attempt to reminisce on the numerous times I've been in a state of unconsciousness, those memories have been suppressed as the experience may have been between God, my soul, and my body therefore, my mind can not grasp the magnitude or complexity of the spiritual aspect of what was happening. In this moment the thought comes to mind of being before God with an open heart in the realm of consciousness, embedding the specific codes for realization of the goals, dreams, visions, meaning, and purpose for my life. As the decision of life or the transition toward another reality for each soul is in the power of the One who Created said soul. Recently, while completing documentation for learning testing, I was asked various questions including whether I've ever been unconscious due to illness or injury and to my surprise I have several times; due to a car accident, surgeries, the stroke, and another traumatic experience my brain has chosen to black out for my protection. With that said, I am certain I should have died many times in this lifetime yet God has shown favor, as I can only decode those events of my life not being the end is due to the purpose I have in sharing my interpretation of the human experience as I walk along my journey.  

Many times this past week I have experienced my inner child feeling seen, heard, understood, and rejuvenated; as I am healing areas within where I do not know how, when, or who planted the seeds or nourished them to grow into the wounds which occurred. Nevertheless, I am actively dissecting them, getting to the roots, digging up what no longer or has never served me while planting seeds of optimism, encouragement, determination, ambition, dedication, motivation, and nurturing them with love. There was a time in the not so distant past where I did not love myself, or care very much if I awoke from my slumber or not. I made choices which reflected that, although subtle; many never acknowledged or even noticed the silent cries for help, or relief. As I typed those words, my heart whispered; God heard them and during those times of unconsciousness, God ministered to my soul and spoke to my body; setting alarms to warn me. The last medical scare I had in February 2025, either God or my soul spoke to me and asked flat out "do you want to live or do you want to die?" it had come down to the meat and potatoes with no way to skate around the reality of the situation, it was in that circumstance that I knew, I wanted to live. I was no longer satisfied with simply existing, questioning my purpose, or the meaning of my life. 

As I wrote in the expression which was my public introduction to blogging, "How Did I Get Here?"; I expressed being hidden in my mother's womb for most of the pregnancy as an assurance of life. As motherhood is an interesting assignment as you are a whole woman before you are someone's mother, yet parts of yourself is expected to be sacrificed as we nurture and care for our offspring. I say that because I have questions, yet woman to woman I do not feel as if it is tactful to ask them. Earlier this week I asked myself of my fascination with flamingo's, superficially I'd always assumed that it was because of their beautiful pink plumage (color); then I did a semi- deep dive into how female flamingo's will lose their plumage after childbirth as they are providing nourishment, they are depleting their own pigmentation. However, once the offspring matures and the mother will begin to restore the nutrients causing her to exude her gorgeous, pink hue again. That resonated with me so deeply, as there are many attributes of the flamingo that I love and can associate myself with. Throughout my many expressions, especially on "The World Outside My Window Blog", even the tagline states "a glimpse into the mind of a Girl evolving, loving, learning, growing, becoming, a Woman" as I think of the intention of letting it be known that this is simply a glimpse or a brief look into my mind; should you read the thoughts expressed you will see the vagueness and ambiguity of my words compared to what I share now.

As I will always be that girl, striving to be my perfect rendition of Infinite Intelligence having a human experience; expressed through my unique perception, interpretation, skills, insights, abilities, talents, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, and circumstances or experience. There have been times of happiness, unhappiness, destress, uncertainty, yet I believe my faith has not wavered; I now consider myself the woman, choosing to realize the dreams of an adolescent girl with goals of becoming a therapist with an unorthodox thought- process to aid others like myself who are willing and committed to the betterment of themselves. Like flamingo's in the wild— able to fly and soar to heights thought impossible [as we are indoctrinated with the knowledge of flamingo's caged within the confines of a zoo whose wings are clipped, engulfed in oppression, as the purpose is to admire their beauty yet strip them of their agency and autonomy of being free animals] created by God to thrive in their environment.

I suppose that's how it all ties together, the idea of my near death experiences and the realization of the reasoning behind my fascination with flamingo's and their beautiful attributes. I've witnessed myself change, from an insecure, moody, bratty, spoiled, only child to an optimistic, caring, understanding, communicative woman; with the ability to express myself fully and authentically. Striving for my interpretation of perfection [not in the societal sense of the concept of having "no flaws or defects"], but in the sense of realizing my true authentic self— walking in the radiance of actualized thought, speaking with purpose, and being her [Me]. As stated in the above expression of "How Did I Get Here", I have not allowed myself to return to that "dark unhappy space", not that the path since 2012 has not been without moments of unhappiness, the change is— I have not allowed myself to dwell as I did in the purview of despair as I once did. I am not only dreaming, but achieving the milestones necessary to actualize my dreams into my reality. A change has come and there's only upward and onward from here; with sights on being a college graduate while sharing the thoughts and experiences thus far and beyond until the prefix before my name says Doctor with the suffix being PhD. Ever learning, growing, gardening my being of uprooting beliefs and dogma while planting and nurturing seeds of success, accomplishment, and dreams coming true.

Until next time...

Kamille