back to life

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 "I feel more alive now than I ever have in my life. I have a chance to live, as I've dreamed."

Nina Simone

In the not so distant past I had a thought, I contemplated then attempted to allow my soul to leave my body; with encouragement from loved ones "on the other side" I attempted with all my might to no avail. With the awareness of my inability to detach my soul from my body, I pondered the reasoning behind it; even questioning "what's keeping you here?" to my dismay I realized as one who would have "chosen the sea" [a feeling I know all too well, as I was reminded of when re-visiting "Inland Empress"] perhaps my soul was anchored to the bottom of the Ocean as a true commitment to "Mermaid Life" as I often proclaim. So I grabbed a couple of my bags and headed to my car with the destination being a particular beach; with the intention of allowing my body to find my soul at the bottom of the Ocean. As I drove, I could not locate the beach of my desire, as it is a new location since the other ones left me confined to my car, unable to touch the sand or water for fear that I may walk too far with an inability to swim... 

As I grew anxious of the reality of my actions, I pulled over to think; "what are you doing? where are you going? you packed bags yet the intention was to never return, so what's the truth?" In that moment I remembered loved ones I felt would possibly have a hard time understanding my  actions, as well as obligations I have not fulfilled. I then returned home and went to bed as if I had not taken steps in the direction of truly returning to the presence of God. 

I have an interesting relationship with death, the earliest I can remember was a time when my Mother had taken me to a hotel in Downtown, Los Angeles. We were on a top floor with a huge window without a screen or bars to protect one from jumping. I had the thought to leap or perhaps I thought I would fly away from the reality I found myself in. As the thought persisted, an Aunt came through the door and "rescued" me; I was five (5) years old. 

I've had several occasions where I've "lost" consciousness;  either through medical intervention in the form of surgery or due to mental psychosis or manic episodes. I've died many times; some were in the understanding of spirituality— being baptized, committing to live a life pleasing to God [as if "dead" to the world while acceptable in the sight of God]. near fatal car accidents, the truth I am finally ready to face of my experience with labor and delivery... 

At the age of twenty (20) years old, I found myself in the final months of pregnancy, although I participated in a lamaze course, I had not been around babies for any extended amount of time. I never babysat and by the time I was thirteen (13) I had my first sibling, yet he was already a toddler when we met. With the acknowledgment of never wanting to be a mother or raise children it was in labor when the fear was face to face with me as my body and baby did not want to continue. Labor was overall pleasant as I enjoyed Italian ice and cartoons then finally found a position to lay where we were comfortable, unfortunately after some time the doctors or nurses informed me of the position of our choice was causing complications with the baby and I was not dilating "fast enough" so surgery was necessary. As family and friend debated on who would accompany me into surgery— as if his Dad wasn't merely a few feet away still baffles me— nevertheless, the question was asked and his Dad was by our side during surgery. Once in recovery, I was told repeatedly of the amount of blood I lost, so many times that I think after twenty- five (25) years I finally understand the significance of maternal mortality rates and in all seriousness, I could have died that day. 

When the many highs and lows of mental health issues entered the picture of my life, I feel as if with the increasing severity of the illnesses, I died again; died to the possibility of the life I had envisioned for myself, died to the dreams and goals of my heart and the desires of my soul. I felt as if I was simply existing with no desire, goals, dreams, or even happiness to "stay the course" toward the vision of myself with grey hair, a few joints, a beverage, Rocko, and a seat on my porch [sometimes in solitude, while at times with an companion whose face and gender is a silhouette of a burst of stars]. As I faced mental health issues, at times experiencing states of insanity; having to fight my way out of particular pockets of my mind to reach the surface of my "right mind". While falling victim to exploitation and predatory "friends" and "family" as my exposed weaknesses were taken advantage of, causing many instances of housing insecurity, being called "crazy" for my thought processes and/ or spiritual practices, financial abuse in the form of outstanding debts they have chosen to forget to repay or at this point acknowledge as such. 

Then there was cancer— in all honesty, I did not know the term at the time the decision was made, but at some point of the above space of mind, I had committed to secondary aging [this is when lifestyle choices may speed up the biological effects of aging— smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, indulging in fatty, sugary, high cholesterol foods, etc]. I knew it would catch up to me and in a sense I thought I'd just transition to another realm or dimension while I slept. Unfortunately, the effects of my lifestyle choices began with weight gain, followed by hypertension, and diabetes; all of which I no longer cared about managing. Until August 2023, a friend who was also "tired" of the life she was existing in; literally dropped dead one afternoon with no warning. During this time I had experienced pain in my right breast, but I only noticed it during my cycle; so by the time I had a doctor's appointment it would slip my mind. Well, after the death of my friend, I thought to revisit my plan of secondary aging and attempt to cleanse and detox my body in an effort to rid myself of any toxins. At some point of this the pain in my breast persisted and at an appointment with my primary care physician, at the very last moment of our appointment I mentioned the unusual "lump" and pain; as the cleanse allowed the pain to remain noticeable without the presence of my cycle. 

As she preformed the breast exam and concluded that it was in fact unusual, I knew it was cancer. As the test results and appointments were being scheduled I had my mind made up, I am not going through chemotherapy [remember, death and I have a unique friendship— throughout my life I often thought about "how would I die?" Usually the thought was as a result of a car crash; that is until the cancer diagnosis— I felt like, "this is my way out!"]. That was until I was on the tele-health appointment and proclaimed such while my Mother was present in the room. So for some loved ones and the aforementioned obligations I have yet to fulfill, I agreed to a lumpectomy, one (1) round of chemotherapy and radiation with one (1) medication to take daily and one (1) injection monthly. As I prayed and meditated, I did feel a difference concerning death, as I felt this was actually the real, final, permanent, conversation in our relationship. I made peace with the actuality of how things could go, especially approaching the lumpectomy; I thought I would not awake alive from surgery. I believe it was leading to the date, which was two (2) days before my forty- fourth (44) birth date that I had a conversation with God concerning "if you allow me to see forty- five (45)..."

Now it's August 2024 and I experience a stroke, I spent many moments contemplating it's significance when "randomly" looking through my calendar and realized the date of the stroke was the day after an anniversary of sorts [the day I received the gift of the Holy Ghost— evidence by speaking in tongues as the Holy Spirit of God gives utterance]. I did not realize this until sometime in 2025 after learning of the location of the stroke and the severity of the situation. The stroke was actually a saving grace; as it prompted me to find a therapist to discuss everything concerning my life, thoughts, feelings, emotions, hurts, wounds, toxicity, you get the picture —my whole self— I prayed and was lead to an amazing doctor of psychology! Our first session was in person and she is warm, honest, truthful, knowledgeable, compassionate, all of the things! When she affirmed my capabilities even with the presence of mental health issues and now physical limitations; referring me to an organization entitled the Department of Rehabilitation, I found a new lease on life! Shortly after our first session, I changed my major from English to my passion for Psychology, later adding Philosophy as my minor...

I've written about my thought process at the end of 2024 heading into 2025, especially after being subject to an unknown level of abuse; in the form of a "friend" presenting themselves to be a certain way in an attempt to allow me to lower my guard and not only accept them for who they appeared to be, but create a space in my heart to not only feel sentiments of love and friendship— I also expressed such. Adjusting my comfort zones to make space for their insecurities, lack of spirituality, areas in need of healing, etc. When I was invited to spend the holiday at their home [Christmas throughout New Year's] I expressed my concerns for the length of time spent together and was reassured that things would be "fine". Well things were far from "fine", as soon as I was in their company at the airport it was leading to a space of discomfort. Keeping in mind I am in the stage of my recovery from cancer diagnosis, surgery, the completion of chemotherapy, while in radiation treatment, as well as a stroke less than six (6) months prior; this "friend" decides spontaneously to go to Ikea and walk the store for three (3) hours. Never acknowledging the facts of my conditions, issues with mobility, travel [LAX experience, flight, arriving in her city and awaiting her arrival], not to mention the last time I'd eaten. When I expressed my limitations I was met with frustration and apathy. 

As the days continued and the treatment progressed to my attempt to avoid interaction with her unless absolutely necessary yet on occasion prompting a conversation to "clear the air" only to be gaslit regarding the root of the irritation spewed in my direction. After many attempts to resolve what seemed to be the issue I was met with an aggressive tone of voice, snide remarks in the form of "jokes", as well as subtle expressions of jealousy and/ or envy. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention the two (2) instances where she brought up a topic known to be "off limits" which resulting in my tears; the second time it happened [in a relatively short span of time] I informed her as if she was unaware, that the topic she's probing at is in fact not a topic I discuss. When the treatment escalated, I remained silent, until I reached a point of realization— "clearly the treatment is not going to improve, she is not willing to be honest about how she feels toward you, and the longer you stay and "accept" this treatment you are betraying yourself. So how much longer are you going to betray yourself in the name of friendship, compassion, grace, understanding, and love?" With that, I contacted the airline, rescheduled my flight to leave as soon as possible along with an additional fee for doing such; finalized packing my belongings and left with my last words being an advisement to "lock your door". This was January 2, 2025.

With my birth date being January 18th, I had the intention of spending my forty- fifth (45th) birthday with said "friend" as it was a milestone, but with the experiences from 2023 & 2024, in addition to life from 2012 [the onset of mental health issues]; it was also an acknowledgment of the grace, mercy, compassion, and Love shown to me by God, not only hearing, but answering my prayer. So in the arrangement of rescheduling my flight to return home a day early, I also cancelled my birthday flight to return as a guest to spend my special day in the presence of someone who actually despises me. Neither one of us contacted the other— her being in the form of an apology or concern for my well- being or safe return home; and me informing her of her mistreatment toward me or my safe return home. It was a definite case of "out of sight, out of mind" and I embraced life. Planned a great birthday experience at a spa I've imagined visiting; with the prayer of God going before me and paving the way for an exceptional day. Being that it was my actual birthday, the spa gifted me with various amenities; as I enjoyed a facial then lunch, a conversation with management lead to another gifting of a space in a cabana and champagne; followed by an excellent massage. However, being that "friend" is completely distorted in her thought process, she chose this day to "friend" me on a social media platform where we were not connected. The way in which this was distorted to me, was the acknowledgment of my birthday without actually acknowledging my birthday then reaching out in a way that is cowardly to excite a reactionary response from me as I am celebrating my birthday excluding her company. I will admit, I was annoyed for a moment, then swiftly hit block and returned to my wonderful birthday experience.

Reliving those experiences took me to an unhappy space, so I took some time to reflect on what you all have been reading; I came across an expression "The Shape of my Heart" which interestingly enough reminded me of my latest Instagram expression for this past Sunday (photo shown below) the sentiment shared was: 

"I found this photo somewhere online many Moons ago, I often wonder “could this be my birth place?” or rather, “are these the stars of my essence?” as I know, I am stardust, magic, love, wisdom, creativity, and so much more once buried in the [sub]consciousness, heart & soul of a 5 foot 5 inch, queer, “uniquely abled” Black woman. I say “once buried” because the seeds are sprouting, the leaves are forming, the branches are sturdy, the trunk is strong [as evident by the survival of an overwhelming number of challenges, issues, pitfalls, etc.] & the roots run deep. Strengthened by the love of God and the DNA of brilliant, artistic, nurturing, Beings referred to as my Ancestors. Today [& beyond] I embrace my persnickety nature, unorthodox perspectives, and abstract thoughts. I accept my ancient ways, no longer longing to be the same as others appearing capable of “normal” belonging and connectedness. I’m a unicorn, mermaid, owl, flamingo, giraffe, shark, [you get the picture 😹😹😹 I hope], I say that to say; the fascination of my imagination amazes me too at times, so much so I desire to “let others in”; as a sea turtle, I don’t know if you can imagine the level of healing that had to occur for me to reach a space within vulnerability to allow my entire, overwhelming, childlike, personality to shine out of the hiding space I’ve kept it. confined for protection yet nourished, consoled, loved, until wounds are healing and I am able to take the shell off for a while and truly enjoy this human experience. Happy Kamille Appreciation Day 💅🏾💗✨"

I've been working on this expression since sometime in May [2025], between Spring and Summer semesters; with Summer being accelerated courses, maintaining wellness, and other pleasures I have been processing a lot as I am also readjusting to the acknowledgment of certain spiritual gifts, as well as talents, skills, attributes, and such which I refer to as a philosophy of mastery [opposed to success, as it is subjective by each individuals concept or perception of what "success" looks like for them or their community.]  I am in awe at the level of vulnerability I have shown in recent years and to think many Moons ago I was rambling on the other blog about oversharing and my fear of love. Now here I am, a vessel of love, a sacred temple of an individual Soul allowed to have a human experience! 

With that, I suppose I should revisit perhaps the first time I died in this life; or maybe I should begin with a bit of a backstory... While on the excursion down "memory lane" these past couple of weekends, I discovered an expression written in December 2014. I do not recall my location as I was in transition from the seaside inland, with an invitation soon "forgotten" as the treatment I received was far from love, care, support, or any other familial "expectation" a reasonable, rational, logical, individual would consider standard or basic engagement of connectedness and/ or belongingness. I've literally had strangers on the street [including these internet streets] who have been kind, caring, supportive, loving, mentoring, I mean all of the things you'd "expect" from people who claim to love and/ or care for you in addition to being related by blood.  The trauma runs deep, which caused me to be predisposed to various disorders according to many mental health care professionals I've seen throughout these thirteen years [2012- ongoing]. I am thankful for my therapist, academic counselor, many Tik Tok "besties", and the few friends and family who are consistently engaging regarding wellness and aging [as we are all getting older, and hopefully wiser with each day]. 

Back to the backstory:

Currently...

The pen moves in my hand like music; feeling the harmony from within searching her soul for meaning along with hidden insights from other dimensions.  6d or 7d radiating throughout my entire being.  Experiencing the elements of Earth along with those from Galaxies existing in the distant future; returning to memory as if they were handcrafted just for my desire.

Leading to thoughts of the Here- After.  Not the last time, but the first time death met me.  Understanding the portal of choice was to discover my soul's deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give.
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As I sat with those words and felt the knowing of an understanding I have since forgotten, the urge to surrender to my need for rest— whether it be for sleep or downloading and unscrambling codes from within— in this moment I can see in hindsight how this life thus far has been to return me to the discovery of "my Soul's deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give". This sentiment embodies my belief that I have of never being a woman in any past life as well as why I am here on Earth. If you've been here a while you know Venus [along with the cluster of stars introduced today, and a few other hide-aways, are my go-to spaces for Soul travel]. Yet, I've been "grounded", something that's never happened to me in this life; I won't go into detail, but I will say I grew up sheltered, uninformed, and over- protected. I learned at an early age the concepts of autonomy and self- concept [although, I was not aware of the terms or their definitions] I am a Capricorn [Sun sign] with only- child syndrome, not to mention a huge "nerd" experiencing personality, psychological, and mood disorders. I used to hide the fact that "I am smart", until it was brought to my attention how often I downplay my intelligence. So although I had the knowledge, I lacked the development from experiences standard for "proper" development during childhood and adolescence to some degree. While the majority of this life [thus far] has been spent isolated and "studious" as my Dad would say. I have been in a spiritual space within, so much so that my mind is finally able to contain and understand— Wisdom is an interesting thing; as "you don't know what you don't know, until you know". However, "sometimes you know what you don't know, but you don't know how you know; you just know" and time fills in the blanks for us. 

So, the first time I died [in this lifetime] I was in my early 20's and a dear friend; my first love [outside of that of my Father] died suddenly and tragically by his own hands. I discussed in various expressions how I "wanted to die" or sleep so we could meet in my dreams. For over a decade I'd gone through various "relationships", tried dating, kept things casual in addition to being a primary parent, attempting my hand at college, until inevitably finding a job that I thought would be a career with opportunity to advance within the company. I did all those things, with the hypercritical voice from childhood reminding me to "do my best" without the knowledge of "The Four Agreements" [at that time]. Needless to say, burn out was definitely on the horizon yet my ignorance to the field of Psychology and the community in which I grew up did not include discussions around mental health, prevention of any health concerns, or overall well- being; with the exception of prayer. What I realized some weeks ago, when I began this expression and prior to that, when I attempted to find my sea in which to return. I had been a zombie in some aspects of my Being— the aspects where I hid, shrunk, begged in a particular way to be seen, heard, understood, liked, and/ or loved. Parts of my heart was hallow, boarded up, vacant, and/ or dormant— awaiting a love I thought would never find me again in this lifetime.

So as I broadened my capacity of vulnerability in my writing and in daily living, I expressed my love to family, friends, my puppy of course, and a particular someone. Leaving much of my family and I estranged [with the exception of those who are now ancestors], I have enough friends to count on one hand [and maybe have some fingers or a thumb left over], and that particular someone, as it stands I thought I was expressing my love with words, actions, sentiments, etc. however, maybe it was too much too late or perhaps things are actually "fine". Either case, I am confused and if you know a Capricorn [especially with my peculiar concoction of placements] you know how confusion leads to overthinking, "jumping" to conclusions, and possibly flying off the handle. Well, I haven't really done any of that; per se. I forgot to mention, for Summer term, I am taking courses in Psychology— Personal & Social Awareness along with Ethnic Studies. That's important as the first week of the Personal & Social Awareness course, we were asked to identify various categories of habits we would like to "change" throughout the six (6) week course. To my surprise, I discovered a few undesirable characteristics in need of change, or rather healing. 

Let's rewind for a moment; as this expression began where I shared about that night or should I say in the wee hours of the morning when I had the bright idea to leave my body, to no avail; so I pivoted to returning to the sea. Well, not too many days after returning home to bed I found my beach. I had a "ceremony" of sorts as I took a couple of items gifted to me by two of the most toxic women I've met in this lifetime, some joints, my heart, soul, and intelligence and wrote a note to myself and sent that toxic shit to it's "grave" in my stead. I left the "dead weight" hindering me from loving from a healed space while repairing the wounds of childhood abandonment and neglect, grief, unrequited "love", depression, people- pleasing, being agreeable "to keep the peace", the "girl Friday" to unreciprocated "friendships", and shrinking myself to not be "extra" or "too much", while simultaneously being made to feel unworthy, unwanted or as if "I'm not enough". I realized, I had actually or is it figuratively? Either way, I anchored some significant part of myself to the bottom of the Ocean. Over the past thirteen (13) years, there have been moments during my practice of  grounding I've felt as if I was so deep in the Earth I had to use the roots of the trees to assist with my unearthing. 

After that night at my beach and a couple therapy sessions, the reality of the stroke, the ongoing cancer treatment, healing childhood and various other wounds, managing mental health, life's challenges, being a caregiver for my Mother and my emotional support best friend [Rocko], not to forget being an undergraduate in College; with aspirations of degrees, certifications, and businesses. I feel as if the love I have now and the knowledge, understanding and wisdom is coming together to integrate my inner-children— as I believe all the ages we've experienced, observed, and interacted in are still within us, either propelling us toward the goals, dreams, aspirations, we held close or have become our "inner critic"— judging, criticizing, limiting our beliefs, encouraging us to engage in self- sabotage, and/ or low self- esteem behaviors; out of the belief of sorts that love was to be earned, rest must be deserved, or the infamous ideology that "if I am perfect, peaceful, don't challenge their thinking, accepting of any type of treatment in the name of "unconditional love", ignoring yellow and red flags to "find the good in everyone" and such then and only under those conditions will I receive the connectedness and belonging which are fundamental elements for the human experience.   

As I am sitting with the emotions, feelings, thoughts, and memories [or flashbacks] of life during these periods of time I am confronted with another type of awakening experience [as I have had quite a few in this lifetime]. At some point between attempting to detach my soul from my body, driving to the beach with the intention to "return to the sea", and the ceremony at the beach; I called and/or texted the people connected to many wounds of my childhood, adolescent years, and adulthood by neglect in the form of educating me on womanhood, various pitfalls, mishaps, mistakes, and such to be aware of as a Black woman. abandonment at vulnerable ages and stages of my development or experience into womanhood, mistreatment, and abuse. My tone was unfamiliar to them as they are used to the soft spoken, non- confrontational, polite, woman who finds delight in etiquette and other "girly" things; well the one they got was that part of me who was fresh out the fire; recently unearthed from the deepest, darkest, at times scariest part of the "monster" I could be had I not chosen this unique spiritual journey I am committed to. When I say monster, I am referring to the aspect of ourselves that are usually described as "our demons" or "the devil"; like I shared, I have a unique relationship with death so my philosophy for that is— the demon's they speak of is our unchecked ego coupled with the wounds we often refuse to heal or feed with various acts of inhumanity [lying, cheating, scamming, manipulating, being an "ist" as in racist, sexist, rapist, and other unGodly characteristics]. 

Along with that, the monster of which I speak has been cultivated into another aspect of my authentic self— her tone is more stern, unapologetic, straightforward, a bit more aggressive than I'd like to be, but understood because I know what all she's endured in silence. When reparenting myself since early childhood, reparenting my adult self, then adding and acknowledging God as the Creator of all things— I am the woman I am now, intertwined with my past experiences, present circumstances/ aspirations, and future accomplishments. Doing well in my courses, having a graduation date, engulfed in the various resources for academic success, determination, perseverance, a quality work ethic, and the dreams of the young woman who dreamt of being a Psychologist— even when she didn't fully know what it entailed. Reassuring us that we are safe, protected, knowledgable, capable, and most importantly, living various scriptures within the Bible as they resonate with the relationship I have with the Creator of my Soul. 

I've come back from the dead before, yet I was still half alive. This time, I returned whole, healing, happy, authentic, with many of the personality traits rediscovered as they no longer carried the weight of other peoples opinions. I reacquainted myself with myself, as the outspoken, rebellious, thought- provoking, non-conforming, intellectual I dimmed and shrunk to allow others the stage to shine as silent competition, envy, jealousy, snide remarks disguised as "jokes", targeted limiting beliefs, narcissistic and other types of abuse, were directed toward me and I passively accepted for far too long. The thing I realized was in choosing this portal on a mission to "my Soul's deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give" I recognize how the life I lived, the losses I grieve, the "win's" I've experienced, the love I have received, the academic success I am seeing, as well as the dreams at each stage of this journey have remained the same. Remembering the days and nights I would write on the blogs about not knowing my purpose while longing for deeper, intelligent, compassionate, graceful interactions with others; I am invigorated to know that I now know [without a shadow of a doubt] I am not only on the right path for myself, God is with me, and so are the angels, spirit guides, ancestors, and the Universe all engaging with me through various vessels all leading me onto the footprints of my highest self.

I would like to conclude this expression with the words suggesting— I figured everything out however, that is not the case. I am proud of myself for voicing my truth to family and "friends", I have expressed and over- expressed my apologies, thoughts, feelings, "issues", and love for a particular someone and as I've shared I am left confused by some words mixed with an abundance of silence. I am at my wit's end because I am genuinely baffled as I can not find the full understanding based on principle's I believe as far as "people make time for what is important to them" or "let them do what they want to do, so you can see what they'd rather do", and the knowledge of ambition, determination, perseverance, and such drives some of us to accomplish big goals toward big dreams and with my astrological make- up; how on Earth would I compete with that. So I've remained on the sidelines, cheering at times, encouraging at other times, or sharing various tidbits of spirituality yet all of which has been received with nonchalance and indifference. The words "crazy", "craziness", and "drama" were thrown around as if we are not speaking the same language, so I've decided, this is my last experience I will endure where I am not loved in the way in which I desire. I have not closed the door because the feelings and the thoughts are in conflict— which to me means there's more too it than I am aware of— allowing me to interpret that as God's business [and I do what I am inspired, lead, convicted, to do and then I mind my business; leaving the big stuff for God as I could never figure out such with the limited knowledge and biased perspective of only knowing my own personality, thoughts, feelings, emotions, wants, needs, desires, dreams, prayers, etc.

I pray should that particular person choose to read my words in this expression, they know that I am basically saying, I am leaving the door open for God to instruct both parties as to how this friendship will develop. Should the choice be made to have the conversations to reintroduce ourselves to one another as the mature, experienced, wiser, healing versions of ourselves; striving to accomplish our dreams successfully. Leaving all of the past behind us, and learning, accepting, and understanding one another as a true fresh start into a new experience— one without the misunderstandings, hurts [unintentional as well as otherwise], rash decisions, etc. If I am completely honest, there's a part of me that truly desires to have this friendship a part of my lifespan yet the healing version of myself typing these words in this moment is accepting of there not being space any further along their journey as we are all growing, maturing, planning our futures and what we dream it to be. The unhealed version of myself would have a type of temper tantrum, say more words trying to explain my thoughts and feelings from a space of distorted attachment styles. However, the other day on Facebook, I read a meme which said:

Attachment Says: I need you and I want you

Love Says: I am me, you are you and I enjoy sharing this space, where love lives, with you. I will not make my emotions your responsibility. I will support your expansion as I do my own. And I remain curious about you and the development of our connection.

This resonated with me in the sentiment of "I will not make my emotions your responsibility" and supporting "your expansion as I do my own". Not solely due to the current confusion [on my part] but in regard to everyone, honestly. I figure that is the cause of my loneliness, as I am expecting others to regard my emotions and feelings as I do my own, as if they are somehow responsible for how they choose to do what's best for their well- being and their aspirations are affecting me. While I have my own capacity, freedom [as far as not working a full- time job and being an "empty- nester"], yet managing personality and mood disorders with health concerns which are the forefront of my responsibilities concerning daily life. I am committed to evolving into the best parts of myself while re-shaping the "worst" parts of myself and examining whether they are "the worst" based on my own philosophy of life or public opinion? I've been enlightened to understand that I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me; so I must be accepting should someone decide that we are not compatible "in any of the ships" [as a TikTok friend shares regarding all of the types of "ships" of interaction: platonic friendship, romantic relationship, etc.]. 

Funny, I knew the title before I knew what I would share, and seeing how this expression did not feel complete until I shared what I feel is everything [well, I suppose as more experiences come to memory I may share] otherwise, I apologize for taking so long between expressions; however, as stated Summer is accelerated, followed by somethings I have in the works to share at another time, and Fall semester— with Statistics and an accompanying Lab [and I am sure tutoring] so I will do my best in checking in or sharing what's going on with me— as it is A Lot! Nevertheless, I hope you are enjoying Summer thus far, and the New Moon Energy as the season has changed and I am inspired to breathe. As I've come up for air, this time I will not hold my breath at the bottom of the Ocean awaiting someone to notice— family, friends, peers, etc. I am going to embrace all aspects of myself with love, support, acceptance, patience, understanding, and effort to heal the wounds in process along with the ones I will discover as I take each step on my path within the journey into my most authentic space in which to give love...

Thank you, for your engagement as well as readership; as I was in a rather odd mood and thought to visit the blog and see what was what, to my surprise you all have been really reading the blogs! I am in such a state of gratitude as the anxiety and nervousness when considering allowing the public into my experience and many of you have been with me throughout this journey as well as of the older blog expressions. My prayer is that something I've shared helps you understand yourself and/ or someone you love in another perspective and give yourself and others grace, compassion, and kindness; as we are all going through various situations, circumstances, challenges, set- backs, recovering from set- ups, and all types of experiences some could only imagine. So as I advise myself to be more understanding, compassionate, respectful of the capacity of others, and be kind; I would like to extend that to each of you who has taken the time to read my thoughts. I appreciate each and everyone of you and my prayer is for all of our dreams, goals, aspirations, and such to come to pass as we keep God first— understanding various Proverbs concerning leaning on God for our understanding and acknowledgment of The One who knows and sees all. Infinite Intelligence, The Creator of all things — remain in prayer and meditation while taking care of our well- being. The Rumi quote comes to mind and I'd like to end with it:

 “This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor...Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” 

― Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi


Until next time 
Kamille 🩷✨











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in my bubble

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Happy New Year! After the diagnosis of cancer in Fall 2023 and experiencing a stroke last Summer, my prayers have been different. My level of gratitude and thankfulness with each new day has been over the Moon! As the year came to an end I prayed regarding boundaries, intentions [mine as well as those around me], goals I have in my heart to manifest and my decision making skills [for the new year and beyond]. I know God heard me and has been speaking to me through my algorithm on various social media platforms, in song lyrics, and the Cosmos [astrology, astronomy, and numerology]. Sending messages of confirmation, encouragement, and enlightenment; casting light into the shadows of various situations;  in addition, I am listening . When I tell you, we were barely 2 days into the new year when doors began to open, while some were closed, permanently. I can say with certainty that closed doors will not be revisited going forward, I recognized the change in the season and transition or...
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destination- happiness

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 "The pen writes, but the heart shapes the words."  — Persian Proverb In this moment I realize the events of the other day caused me to experience a multitude of emotions.    As the day begun, I already knew I had a workshop at my school, in preparation for Summer and Fall Semesters.   Since I have anxiety challenges, I tend to check in with myself often; during those moments  I am intentional with my prayers and meditation, as I prepared to arrive.  For me , anxiety challenges also  include social anxiety; as I got myself together for the drive I felt  anxious and excited. As I drove, I shifted between prayer and meditation. My philosophy regarding such is that prayer is when I petition, ask, or request knowledge, wisdom, understanding, etc.  from  God; while meditation is when I listen for or recognize when God is talking  to me . I've acknowledged an aspect within myself of having the desire to "control"   everything ; ...
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last night I got too high...

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Many lives have been lived these past few months, I feel as if I am in the middle of one with another on the horizon. Unfortunately, I suffered a stroke recently and some things are still out of sorts. I've been in prayer and meditation a lot since this trauma expressed itself though my being; nonetheless, I left the hospital with a plan and thus far it's falling into place. The outcome however isn't in my hands, as much as I can attempt to manifest, the final "say so" belongs with God.  This past week I recognized I had been in grief since approximately last winter, in all honesty I may have been functioning in grief since my Dad passed away some years ago. I don't believe I'll go into much detail today, however I will say some things made me forget about this for a bit and enjoy my life and the abilities that remain. I don't know much about stroke's, however, I do understand they operate at various capacities [and I consider myself blessed that ...
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