Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn"; although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life". The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way"; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contributing to negative or low energy emotions. I will admit, after my most recent anxiety attack(s) I have become rather hypersensitive. This is something I struggle with on occasion after I have been triggered along with compounded anxiety provoking and/or depressing interaction(s). I think I've always been a sensitive person, which is something I may have never admitted before; I've always felt as if it were my best kept secret. I remember as a child I rarely got spankings, I was the type of kid that cried if they were yelled at. So I can count on one hand the times I was disciplined that way. For most of my life, I can not recall why, I built a wall around my heart and only a very few have managed to get passed it for a very long time.  I then found myself changing, I suppose growing; but at the time I did not think too deeply about it,  as I reflect on various experiences I can see now the emotions behind some choices or behaviors in my past. I recall a few times in my 20s saying to my future self certain things that I could no longer allow, accept or become and the reasons why those things were so important for me to understand.

Recently during spring cleaning and reorganizing I came across several journals dated as early as 1994 detailing my teenage shenanigans along with following years, as I sat reading about love, heartbreak, goals, dreams and random thoughts there were times where I was that girl again. In the past few weeks I will admit I have discovered a version of myself that I have either long forgotten or just met. It's odd, because I can't remember experiencing this cluster of feelings. Which for a Capricorn Sun with Aquarius Moon and Virgo Rising, this is an uncomfortable space to be in; an understatement. However, as I acknowledge areas of maturity along with spaces which need quite a bit of nurturing, love and light I recognize sadness and some regrets and I do not know what to do with them. I understand their origin and I still believe the reasoning behind those decisions, yet the emotions are what they are, which leaves particular feelings associated with the long term affects I suppose. I try not to dwell on those decisions even with the outcomes being what they are, I figure those are my scars from this life; my prayer is often that I'll remember these lessons, especially the painful ones in order to make my next life the best one (that I know of). Although as of late I've grown to love fantasizing about another life where I avoid the mistakes, poor decisions and sabotage experienced in this one; but somewhere in-between those thoughts I have to remind myself that this one is not over yet. I don't know how to explain these feelings and my thoughts regarding them are even more confusing. 

With so many planets in retrograde (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Pluto) it's no wonder I'm full of curiosity surrounding the concept of retrospection and renewing my mind, in a sense. It wasn't until today that I thought about some decisions and the rationalization behind them as well as how they may be shaping outcomes which no longer serve my higher self and I thought to revise or refine them in a way that coincides my current philosophies. I think back on previous expressions on the other blog The World Outside My Window and at times I wish I would have allowed it to be public as it was originally instead of deleting many of the posts written prior to the decision to allow others to view my words. I probably blogged approximately 2 years before what shows as the first post; I've done that a lot over the years, I remember I wrote something in junior high school and it was published in some school paper, one day I was upset about something and I tore it up and threw it in the trash. Days such as today it would be sentimental to have it with my other mementos, but I've parted with that reality long ago. I try not to do things like that anymore, but from the looks of the aftermath of my most recent anxiety attack I may have done just that. I haven't exactly accepted some of the damage done, primarily as it relates to meaningful items I can't find and the tears which refuse to fall; I want to find a way to express these emotions in a healthy and positive way because in all honesty, they scare me. Not in the sense of being terrified, but more. so anxious. Dealing with feelings and emotions may be one of my least favorite things to do, mainly because I rarely understand my feelings. At times I feel things and I don't recall if they are based on actual events or a fantasy of what would be ideal in my head. Which could explain why I've kept journals since childhood and why some of the things written were so detailed; some things even written in a tone to always remember as if to remind myself when I re-read the words to never forget those feelings and the meanings behind them. One of the things that helped once I returned home was to see and rediscover so many things that I cherish surrounding me.

I look back over the years, mainly the past 5; and how had someone told me then the things that I would endure and decisions I'd be forced to make I would not know where to begin in my disbelief. For example, I wrote "Words" in May 2013 yet the words can be posted tomorrow on this blog and still be as truthful as they were then. All The Things I Wont Say is still true, yet I have not learned how to stay encouraged while with others; before the last anxiety attack I had grown extremely isolated, I practiced anti stalking as often as logically possible. I see now the blindspot this behavior created and now I am striving to overcome the aftermath of it all. When it come to "Trust Issues vs. Intuition" I find myself stuck a bit on the same concept; trust issues can be a hard thing to shake especially when you are Aquarius Moon and are naturally skeptical of every thing. Then I realize as I attempt to think of a post title, "I don't know how I feel"... What does it even mean when you are full of feelings yet can't identify any of them? How do you move forward from there? I don't even understand why all of this is happening right now; I could blame Saturn Retrograde as it is the ruler of my Capricorn Sun or perhaps Jupiter and Mercury Retrogrades have something to do with it... I haven't researched enough about Pluto to point any fingers, all I know is the Cosmos in addition to my inner Universe is going through a bit of chaos and I am praying to come out on the other side unscathed...

May the odds be ever in our favor.

Beware of Illusions: Don't Feed the Delusions

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Morticia Addams

Prior to the election this past voting season, I was dealing with various issues which can cause the average person to stress; however with anxiety disorder everything becomes on high alert or high priority. So to say that during and after the shenanigans as well as the ridiculous results the triggers were ever-present in addition to functioning throughout my daily life has been on the side of chaos might be an understatement. On occasion while running the usual errands or conversing with a neighbor someone will make mention that I don't seem as if I have anxiety disorder, which I have learned to take as a compliment to the behind the scenes "work" I do to understand and manage my self now. I won't go into detail about a recent situation which as a result landed me in the hospital for about a week. I can almost laugh now, seeing how I was just acknowledging, and possibly on some level celebrating the fact that I had not been hospitalized since 2014. Sometimes that's just how life works, while other times, such as this occurrence (from my perspective), we can be provoked into an experience that might have otherwise been avoided or prevented. I find that in recent years I've had issues with new "friends" where I'll meet people along the way and we may mesh well together. I make a point to inform everyone I deal with on a regular or consistent basis of the disorder, for various reasons. Yet, somehow some feel as if that's an invitation to attempt to take advantage of me in some way while others have chosen to debate me on my word usage and diagnosis; as if I am not really suffering with an illness.

That's the thing with invisible health issues, (some) people feel as if the display of symptoms or treatment is the only way to know a person has legitimate health concerns. Which I find not only insulting but offensive in some way; perhaps it's my hypersensitivity, nevertheless, whatever a person truly feels or deals with in their life whether it is in their mind, body, soul or spirit; in most cases who are we to say it is not so? I had someone tell me recently "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I think you're perfect..." and went on to say that I should stop telling myself that I have a disorder and some other foolishness. Without context it may seem as if the person had my best interest in mind while telling me these things however it was not, the reason being the objective was for me to fall for or fit into an illusion created for me; which would then make me delusional regarding my mental health issues creating far worse outcomes than accepting the difference of who I am (prior to and post diagnosis). The other issue with that is for someone who barely knows me, I say barely because if you've followed my blog(s) and/or social media you may have observed that I am a private person and at times even when sharing I tend to be a bit vague or "cryptic"; I am the same, if not worse in real life. For someone who did not know me before the initial anxiety attack to tell me who I am and what I should be telling myself is absurd, especially when those people are not in the mental health profession. While on the flip side I've had someone I've known for many years say to me that they'd begun to research anxiety disorder to gain a better understanding, stating that although they still aren't clear on every aspect they are willing and committed to giving me space, honoring my privacy and respecting my boundaries while maintaining our relationship. That in my opinion is what is necessary when someone shares such a private and personal reality. I think it's foolish to believe some of the illusions other people may shower you with, mainly because as they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side" just like how things will appear different from "the outside looking in". 

As someone who spends a lot of time, money and energy studying mental health; mainly the disorders I now find myself living with I think many of us have gained a greater appreciation for the simple things that are often taken for granted or unappreciated. I am not saying that we should not be mindful of our self-talk, but I am suggesting that we should not allow others to "gas" us up into thinking that mental illness is just something to say for attention; and more importantly we should not do that to ourselves. However if a person does have an experience or chose to identify a particular way that may not make sense to us who does it harm in accepting their choices? I am not saying that we all have to understand everything without research, candid conversation and tolerance, what I am saying is, if a person can articulate themselves in a way that shows a level of logic, reason, ration in addition to others resonating with those specific issues why are we still so divided as a society? I will admit, prior to being diagnosed with mental illnesses I did not think much about mental health on a daily basis; I did not experience anything to my knowledge that made the topic a priority for me, yet I have for the most part been an empathetic person so if something affects other people I care on some level. So for me to be on this side of things now I have experienced more than enough apathy, which I despise; making me wish to do more to advocate for those like me who may not be the typical or stereotypical face of a cause. True, somethings only show when you are extremely close to see or when given the privilege of seeing what goes on behind the scenes, but that is not always how life works nor is anyone obligated to display such personal things in order for someone else to be "okay" with their choices.

A few things came out of my recent mental health crisis; first I was reminded of how isolation truly is dangerous (see the book, 48 Laws of Power, for reference), secondly, I reconnected with family and finally I was able to learn of a blind spot within myself which has become a trigger. One thing that has helped me over the past 5 years of dealing with my mental health is to identify triggers as soon as possible and work to eliminate or manage them in a way that they are spotted early on and minimized before sending me over the edge. This time I was not as lucky, but the lessons learned may not only help prevent it from happening to me again (in this fashion), but I hope in writing these words that they may help someone else battling whatever it is you may be facing. My prayer is that God sees us through any and all difficulty we find ourselves in as well as send the appropriate help, healing and wisdom needed to persevere and/or endure until we are able to overcome or reach our goal(s). I also pray that whatever you need, in whatever aspect of your life that God guides and directs your path to see you through.

Love & Light 💗✨

Kamille