Retrogrades, New Moons and the Feelings...

A quote comes to mind which states "the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn"; although I can relate to this saying, I do not believe it to be "the hardest thing in life". The difficulty comes with knowing which "bridges" to detach from, as opposed to which to nurture; which can be a delicate  balance of strategy and insight; or even foresight. I will admit, I have not quite mastered it as I sometimes would like to believe. Lately, I have encountered people who are "rubbing me the wrong way"; I am still processing if this is happening in conjunction with my current spiritual journey, the transits in the Cosmos or simply an obstacle of sorts forcing me to burn a few bridges or invest the energy, time, etc., necessary to build the intended relationships. This all comes to mind as I am navigating through my circumstances, feelings, emotions, healing and humanity while encountering situations which are contributing to negative or low energy emotions. I will admit, after my most recent anxiety attack(s) I have become rather hypersensitive. This is something I struggle with on occasion after I have been triggered along with compounded anxiety provoking and/or depressing interaction(s). I think I've always been a sensitive person, which is something I may have never admitted before; I've always felt as if it were my best kept secret. I remember as a child I rarely got spankings, I was the type of kid that cried if they were yelled at. So I can count on one hand the times I was disciplined that way. For most of my life, I can not recall why, I built a wall around my heart and only a very few have managed to get passed it for a very long time.  I then found myself changing, I suppose growing; but at the time I did not think too deeply about it,  as I reflect on various experiences I can see now the emotions behind some choices or behaviors in my past. I recall a few times in my 20s saying to my future self certain things that I could no longer allow, accept or become and the reasons why those things were so important for me to understand.

Recently during spring cleaning and reorganizing I came across several journals dated as early as 1994 detailing my teenage shenanigans along with following years, as I sat reading about love, heartbreak, goals, dreams and random thoughts there were times where I was that girl again. In the past few weeks I will admit I have discovered a version of myself that I have either long forgotten or just met. It's odd, because I can't remember experiencing this cluster of feelings. Which for a Capricorn Sun with Aquarius Moon and Virgo Rising, this is an uncomfortable space to be in; an understatement. However, as I acknowledge areas of maturity along with spaces which need quite a bit of nurturing, love and light I recognize sadness and some regrets and I do not know what to do with them. I understand their origin and I still believe the reasoning behind those decisions, yet the emotions are what they are, which leaves particular feelings associated with the long term affects I suppose. I try not to dwell on those decisions even with the outcomes being what they are, I figure those are my scars from this life; my prayer is often that I'll remember these lessons, especially the painful ones in order to make my next life the best one (that I know of). Although as of late I've grown to love fantasizing about another life where I avoid the mistakes, poor decisions and sabotage experienced in this one; but somewhere in-between those thoughts I have to remind myself that this one is not over yet. I don't know how to explain these feelings and my thoughts regarding them are even more confusing. 

With so many planets in retrograde (Jupiter, Saturn, Mercury and Pluto) it's no wonder I'm full of curiosity surrounding the concept of retrospection and renewing my mind, in a sense. It wasn't until today that I thought about some decisions and the rationalization behind them as well as how they may be shaping outcomes which no longer serve my higher self and I thought to revise or refine them in a way that coincides my current philosophies. I think back on previous expressions on the other blog The World Outside My Window and at times I wish I would have allowed it to be public as it was originally instead of deleting many of the posts written prior to the decision to allow others to view my words. I probably blogged approximately 2 years before what shows as the first post; I've done that a lot over the years, I remember I wrote something in junior high school and it was published in some school paper, one day I was upset about something and I tore it up and threw it in the trash. Days such as today it would be sentimental to have it with my other mementos, but I've parted with that reality long ago. I try not to do things like that anymore, but from the looks of the aftermath of my most recent anxiety attack I may have done just that. I haven't exactly accepted some of the damage done, primarily as it relates to meaningful items I can't find and the tears which refuse to fall; I want to find a way to express these emotions in a healthy and positive way because in all honesty, they scare me. Not in the sense of being terrified, but more. so anxious. Dealing with feelings and emotions may be one of my least favorite things to do, mainly because I rarely understand my feelings. At times I feel things and I don't recall if they are based on actual events or a fantasy of what would be ideal in my head. Which could explain why I've kept journals since childhood and why some of the things written were so detailed; some things even written in a tone to always remember as if to remind myself when I re-read the words to never forget those feelings and the meanings behind them. One of the things that helped once I returned home was to see and rediscover so many things that I cherish surrounding me.

I look back over the years, mainly the past 5; and how had someone told me then the things that I would endure and decisions I'd be forced to make I would not know where to begin in my disbelief. For example, I wrote "Words" in May 2013 yet the words can be posted tomorrow on this blog and still be as truthful as they were then. All The Things I Wont Say is still true, yet I have not learned how to stay encouraged while with others; before the last anxiety attack I had grown extremely isolated, I practiced anti stalking as often as logically possible. I see now the blindspot this behavior created and now I am striving to overcome the aftermath of it all. When it come to "Trust Issues vs. Intuition" I find myself stuck a bit on the same concept; trust issues can be a hard thing to shake especially when you are Aquarius Moon and are naturally skeptical of every thing. Then I realize as I attempt to think of a post title, "I don't know how I feel"... What does it even mean when you are full of feelings yet can't identify any of them? How do you move forward from there? I don't even understand why all of this is happening right now; I could blame Saturn Retrograde as it is the ruler of my Capricorn Sun or perhaps Jupiter and Mercury Retrogrades have something to do with it... I haven't researched enough about Pluto to point any fingers, all I know is the Cosmos in addition to my inner Universe is going through a bit of chaos and I am praying to come out on the other side unscathed...

May the odds be ever in our favor.