Beware of Illusions: Don't Feed the Delusions

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

Morticia Addams

Prior to the election this past voting season, I was dealing with various issues which can cause the average person to stress; however with anxiety disorder everything becomes on high alert or high priority. So to say that during and after the shenanigans as well as the ridiculous results the triggers were ever-present in addition to functioning throughout my daily life has been on the side of chaos might be an understatement. On occasion while running the usual errands or conversing with a neighbor someone will make mention that I don't seem as if I have anxiety disorder, which I have learned to take as a compliment to the behind the scenes "work" I do to understand and manage my self now. I won't go into detail about a recent situation which as a result landed me in the hospital for about a week. I can almost laugh now, seeing how I was just acknowledging, and possibly on some level celebrating the fact that I had not been hospitalized since 2014. Sometimes that's just how life works, while other times, such as this occurrence (from my perspective), we can be provoked into an experience that might have otherwise been avoided or prevented. I find that in recent years I've had issues with new "friends" where I'll meet people along the way and we may mesh well together. I make a point to inform everyone I deal with on a regular or consistent basis of the disorder, for various reasons. Yet, somehow some feel as if that's an invitation to attempt to take advantage of me in some way while others have chosen to debate me on my word usage and diagnosis; as if I am not really suffering with an illness.

That's the thing with invisible health issues, (some) people feel as if the display of symptoms or treatment is the only way to know a person has legitimate health concerns. Which I find not only insulting but offensive in some way; perhaps it's my hypersensitivity, nevertheless, whatever a person truly feels or deals with in their life whether it is in their mind, body, soul or spirit; in most cases who are we to say it is not so? I had someone tell me recently "I wish you saw yourself the way I see you. I think you're perfect..." and went on to say that I should stop telling myself that I have a disorder and some other foolishness. Without context it may seem as if the person had my best interest in mind while telling me these things however it was not, the reason being the objective was for me to fall for or fit into an illusion created for me; which would then make me delusional regarding my mental health issues creating far worse outcomes than accepting the difference of who I am (prior to and post diagnosis). The other issue with that is for someone who barely knows me, I say barely because if you've followed my blog(s) and/or social media you may have observed that I am a private person and at times even when sharing I tend to be a bit vague or "cryptic"; I am the same, if not worse in real life. For someone who did not know me before the initial anxiety attack to tell me who I am and what I should be telling myself is absurd, especially when those people are not in the mental health profession. While on the flip side I've had someone I've known for many years say to me that they'd begun to research anxiety disorder to gain a better understanding, stating that although they still aren't clear on every aspect they are willing and committed to giving me space, honoring my privacy and respecting my boundaries while maintaining our relationship. That in my opinion is what is necessary when someone shares such a private and personal reality. I think it's foolish to believe some of the illusions other people may shower you with, mainly because as they say, "the grass is always greener on the other side" just like how things will appear different from "the outside looking in". 

As someone who spends a lot of time, money and energy studying mental health; mainly the disorders I now find myself living with I think many of us have gained a greater appreciation for the simple things that are often taken for granted or unappreciated. I am not saying that we should not be mindful of our self-talk, but I am suggesting that we should not allow others to "gas" us up into thinking that mental illness is just something to say for attention; and more importantly we should not do that to ourselves. However if a person does have an experience or chose to identify a particular way that may not make sense to us who does it harm in accepting their choices? I am not saying that we all have to understand everything without research, candid conversation and tolerance, what I am saying is, if a person can articulate themselves in a way that shows a level of logic, reason, ration in addition to others resonating with those specific issues why are we still so divided as a society? I will admit, prior to being diagnosed with mental illnesses I did not think much about mental health on a daily basis; I did not experience anything to my knowledge that made the topic a priority for me, yet I have for the most part been an empathetic person so if something affects other people I care on some level. So for me to be on this side of things now I have experienced more than enough apathy, which I despise; making me wish to do more to advocate for those like me who may not be the typical or stereotypical face of a cause. True, somethings only show when you are extremely close to see or when given the privilege of seeing what goes on behind the scenes, but that is not always how life works nor is anyone obligated to display such personal things in order for someone else to be "okay" with their choices.

A few things came out of my recent mental health crisis; first I was reminded of how isolation truly is dangerous (see the book, 48 Laws of Power, for reference), secondly, I reconnected with family and finally I was able to learn of a blind spot within myself which has become a trigger. One thing that has helped me over the past 5 years of dealing with my mental health is to identify triggers as soon as possible and work to eliminate or manage them in a way that they are spotted early on and minimized before sending me over the edge. This time I was not as lucky, but the lessons learned may not only help prevent it from happening to me again (in this fashion), but I hope in writing these words that they may help someone else battling whatever it is you may be facing. My prayer is that God sees us through any and all difficulty we find ourselves in as well as send the appropriate help, healing and wisdom needed to persevere and/or endure until we are able to overcome or reach our goal(s). I also pray that whatever you need, in whatever aspect of your life that God guides and directs your path to see you through.

Love & Light 💗✨

Kamille