A Journey of the Heart

"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"

- Iyanla Vanzant

I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.

In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).

I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."

Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.

With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.

Blessings 💗✨
Kamille

Untitled

"your art

is not about how many people

like your work

your art

is about

if your heart likes your work

if your soul likes your work

it's about how honest

you are with yourself

and you

must never

trade honesty

for relatability"

- @chakrahealingvibes (Instagram)

Oftentimes I am not sure what to write; usually I allow the words to flow and make sense of themselves, lately however I've been too indecisive about what I want to share on the blogs and what I want to keep to myself. As much as I know that will only lead to overthinking and such I am making progress as far as not allowing the insecurity to stop me. At one point, even in resent times I have had the thought that I've "lost" my inspiration to share. Which is not the case, however a writer without a muse is an interesting space to be in. As the season changes from Spring to Summer I am forced to reckon with the reality of the year passing by with so much hope and anticipation for the goals I've set for myself. I suppose that "should" be my muse. At times it's enough, but on days like today I feel as if I need something more, which goes against various philosophies stating how we shouldn't want for anything and that everything is within us. Although I believe that; to an extent; it's difficult in moments like this where I know there's something more out there, yet I don't know exactly what that "something" is. 

I seem to be the only person I know to consider writing as an art. The art of words and how they are able to touch your heart and soul when structured in a special way. Perhaps that's where the insecurity comes from; the thought of myself as an artist seems a bit farfetched yet here we are. When reading drafts on the world outside my window along with the last entry Transparency where I mentioned the following quote:

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.”

-Expherience (Twitter)

I am forced to confront myself and ask if I am being truly honest in my writing or if I am simply trying to be relatable, not to my surprise the answer is a bit of both. My thought is to be honest as well as relatable however at what price? Am I so focused on being relatable that I am not completely being a light to otherwise dark areas that are rarely spoken of? I recall in the early days of my journey I thought everything had to be "love and light" and there were no "bad days", that was until many bad days occurred and forced me to push through to the other side of it. These days the not so good ones aren't as detrimental as I used to think they were, allowing myself the time and space to process the thoughts, feelings as well as emotions and pinpointing the root of it all has not been easy, nevertheless the lessons learned have brought me to the crossroads I currently find myself facing.

The thought of holding back versus the fear of oversharing has kept me from writing as much as I would like; especially since these days I have nothing but time on my hands. After much thought I found it rather ironic that the last post on the other blog was regarding transparency and how I would share more and the like only for it to be the last entry on that site. I don't quite feel as if I have become the woman I aspire to be yet I am not exactly the same girl who began that blog so many years ago. Through various shenanigans, heartbreak, heartache, victories, etc. I believe I have grown in ways only the wisdom of time can teach. For some odd reason I have been anticipating my next birthday, although I have a few goals to reach before then I haven't exactly planned it out. In thinking back on happier times I find myself still "stuck" in nostalgia, the trouble with that is the longing or should I say yearning for similar experiences. I have yet to learn how to overcome such thoughts and emotions and focus completely on the now. In my most recent post In Orbit I mentioned happiness being an unfamiliar concept to me in recent years. As I examine my words I had to answer a few questions about what I think happiness means before I could manifest what I believe it looks like. 

Maybe that's where I've gone astray, believing that happiness has a look as opposed it being a state of mind. I often question the hurt that comes up; which is more frequently than I'd like, yet it happens nonetheless. I try to single out the exact space the feeling or memory began in an attempt to transmute them into an emotion or observation that better serves me. Lately I believe I have been successful, not with everything, but with enough so that I don't overwhelm my therapist with so much to "fix". One thing I know for sure is how much I've learned about myself and the growth I've seen since I've established a regimen that works for me; including my medication, meditation, therapy and other metaphysical elements that keep me on track. I think that's why the above quote resinates with me as it does; especially where it says it's not about how many people like your work, but rather if your heart and soul is pleased. 

I've learned from various lessons within my journey to let go of the pressure; the pressure of the frequency of posting or the need to take a break from writing or social media. The idea that once I begin again readership won't be the same, which has been the case, slightly. I'm learning to trust the Universe in the idea that whosoever needs to read my words will find them. I had a conversation recently where I advised someone to let go of the things which are out of our control, I am taking my own advice today; trusting in myself and the gifts God has blessed me with to contribute to the wholeness of the planet in whichever way makes sense for me. I think that's where the happiness will awaken, or perhaps the muse I at times feel is necessary in order to write truly from my heart. Then I look at myself in this moment and realize it truly is within. I suppose I'll be able to share more on that in another entry. For now I am grateful, thankful and a little scared to share my soul. That level of vulnerability is something I'm still working on, it seems so intimate to be that transparent with others; yet I ask myself "am I even that transparent with myself"? So many times I hold back or stifle a thought because I simply don't want to think it or allow it to play out in my head. However I also realize that has been a hinderance for much longer than necessary.

The question then becomes "what am I going to do about it"?

In Orbit

With nearly every planet in retrograde (Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn and Uranus with Neptune going retrograde June 18- November 27), I am currently feeling a bit out of sorts; I guess you can say. Add into the mix this past weekends New Moon, I feel as if I have been sent into orbit. There's a gleeful expression awaiting the words to describe the feeling. However, I don't really know how to be happy anymore; blame bipolar disorder or the circumstances over the past 7 years...

Like that quote says, "we all have chapters we don't read aloud", I sporadically have flashbacks of specific periods where I was either nearly homeless or committed to psych wards and the events leading up to those times as well as the people who played a certain role in those situations. I try to forgive, and to some extent I have, then I think about where I am today; although everything isn't "blue skies and rainbows", thankfully they aren't as bleak as they once were.

As I said, I don't know what happiness looks like to me anymore because the time when I was truly happy, everything has been "taken away"; not as if the things were the source of happiness, but in my mind the looks of things inside and out were as I'd envisioned them to be. I suppose you can say as I intended to manifest them, and the people in my life at the time who I cared deeply for either betrayed me or our relationship has morphed into something either nonexistent or drastically unfamiliar. I feel alone, lonely even, but on the outside looking in I should be happy, I should be so many things, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. I even began a few of my favorite hobbies such as horse riding while discovering newfound skills and dare I say talents in the form of painting. Yet, outside of those occasions I feel a bit lost.

In an exercise in therapy I realized I've been engulfed in the emotion of nostalgia and I can't seem to shake it, not for the time within the past 7 years, but for times many Moon's ago when I believe I could've made different decisions in an attempt to manifest alternative outcomes. Then I think of "The Butterfly Effect" and how possibly if anything had changed in the course of this journey things may have turned out far worse than what actually occurred. Although I refuse to entertain the thoughts of "what if..." I can't seem to help going down the rabbit hole in my dreams, thinking of certain people who have passed on or revisiting monumental times in other relationships and wondering had I said the things I felt or truly meant at that time would the circumstances have changed for the better? Which only leaves me more puzzled once I awake.

With all that I have managed to remain in a space of thankfulness, gratitude and hope; hoping for better days ahead, possibly a new love for life and such. Until then I take each day as they come, some good, some not so good and others that are just blah so I choose to sleep them away. Maybe I need to truly ask myself, what does happiness look like now?

Not too long ago I attempted to reimagine the nostalgic moments as sentimental and allowing them to hold a special space in my heart as they always have, but without the yearning for them to be once again. The attempt was short-lived... I had to ask myself "how is your heart?" and in that moment I could not put it into words; I no longer feel as heartbroken as I once did, but I don't know what these feelings are, since I've never felt them before. It feels a bit of what I imagine possibility feeling like or even anticipation of what's to come.

I don't know what's next so enters anxiety; ever-present to remind me of how little control I actually have over my life yet understanding the philosophy that we all create our reality I am uncertain, mainly because I no longer have a vision for my future in the traditional sense of: married with a house full of children and the like. As a woman of a certain age I've decided instead to focus on my self, my son, my fur babies and my businesses. Some days I feel as if that's enough while other days I feel as if that would leave me quite dissatisfied. Damn bipolar, makes me wonder what is the truth?!?

Some days I feel as if certain relationships ran their course and due to mental illnesses I tried to hold them hostage as a way of maintaining a part of my self which was pre-disorders. On one hand I believe that was the case yet on the other hand I am haunted by the memories of when times were "good" while trying to patiently await more good times. I suppose time will tell.