A Journey of the Heart
"you cannot have love if your heart is closed"
- Iyanla Vanzant
I feel as if chapters are ending in my life; the search for happiness has lead to acknowledging voids in my heart which have created the expression or feeling of unhappiness. As I look a bit closer, I realize it wasn't necessarily unhappiness, but more of disappointment; in outcomes. As William Shakespeare wrote: "expectation is the root of all heartache" so as the days have passed I have been working on my expectations and learning to eliminate the ones no longer serving me. I'm sure I've written about expectations in the past and how my philosophy is that they are absolutely necessary and how I hold myself to high expectations; with the flexibility to adjust where/as needed. However the trouble comes in when holding others to my expectations. Recently I read a quote which stated (possibly paraphrased), "don't expect people to be you" along with another quote which states: "don't be the 'go to' person for people you can't go to" both of which resinated with me in a special way as these past couple of months have made those statements all too clear.
In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).
I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."
Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.
With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.
Blessings 💗✨
Kamille
In re-evaluating what happiness means to me I had to reckon with my bouts of nostalgia and how I may have romanticized those occasions to mean much more than they actually were. In going forward I must look into my heart and find out what truly makes it "open" and where it has closed in various areas; I have to admit I am aware of a few, some not so much. When I think of the initial quote I don't think of love in the romantic sense, but more so in the state of being; being love. There was a time when I knew exactly what that meant and now I have been searching to feel that sentiment again. I believe it was a time when I was more in love with myself (inside and out), but more than that I was in love with what I was doing and where I saw myself going which has all changed over the course of the diagnoses (anxiety, bipolar, depression, ptsd and the like).
I will also admit that the diagnoses have put me in a terrible space of depression which I battle daily to overcome, coupled with anxiety and everything else going on it takes a lot of work to remain "sane", leaving little to no time to dwell on happiness. I believe after being diagnosed bipolar in 2017 I am learning through various therapy exercises how to manage and maintain on a somewhat daily basis; some days being better than others, yet none being the way they were pre-mental illnesses. I suppose that's the upward battle, understanding what happiness means including limitations. If you've followed either of my blogs over the years you already know how I feel about limitations... So moving forward I must reimagine what it means to be happy despite my current challenges. One way I'm learning is through gratitude; although my life has changed drastically I am still grateful for the blessing bestowed upon me. I think that is monumental; especially at times when it seems as if "the world is crashing in on me."
Perhaps that is apart of the journey I am on; the difference in life experiences before and with mental illnesses. I say journey, because no two days are the same and the destination is unclear, nevertheless life continues so we make the best of it. In a sense I see that as a journey; each path leading to understanding or being rather than feeling and thinking we know everything there is to know. Initially I was unsure where the words would lead and even more unsure as to whether I'd share them or not. I feel as if or rather my hope is someone else faces a similar crossroad and finds some type of solace in knowing we are all in some way dealing with the cards life has dealt us and taking a stand to overcome various hurdles or obstacles in our path. As cliché as it may be, you are not alone and even happier to know that I am not alone either. I guess I'll start there, the "little" things in life that I am happy for or about, which I may share in a later post.
With that, I hope you identify the areas of your heart that may be closed and find what it may take to re-open them. Circulate new energy to heal the old wounds and move forward in a more harmonious, loving, happy way; however that feels for you. Since that is the road I find myself on I felt it only made sense to share. Especially as the remaining 6 months of 2019 holds an unfamiliar anticipation for the year 2020, while staying in the now; if that makes any sense. So I ask, what does happiness mean for you? What's making your heart smile and where are there areas needing nurturing and love? I am not expecting you to answer me, however if you choose to share, your comments, emails and such are welcomed; but more so to ask yourself (if necessary) and highlight those areas that are "on the right track" and make necessary adjustments where/as needed. I wish us all well on the journeys we find ourselves on.
Blessings 💗✨
Kamille
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