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"your art

is not about how many people

like your work

your art

is about

if your heart likes your work

if your soul likes your work

it's about how honest

you are with yourself

and you

must never

trade honesty

for relatability"

- @chakrahealingvibes (Instagram)

Oftentimes I am not sure what to write; usually I allow the words to flow and make sense of themselves, lately however I've been too indecisive about what I want to share on the blogs and what I want to keep to myself. As much as I know that will only lead to overthinking and such I am making progress as far as not allowing the insecurity to stop me. At one point, even in resent times I have had the thought that I've "lost" my inspiration to share. Which is not the case, however a writer without a muse is an interesting space to be in. As the season changes from Spring to Summer I am forced to reckon with the reality of the year passing by with so much hope and anticipation for the goals I've set for myself. I suppose that "should" be my muse. At times it's enough, but on days like today I feel as if I need something more, which goes against various philosophies stating how we shouldn't want for anything and that everything is within us. Although I believe that; to an extent; it's difficult in moments like this where I know there's something more out there, yet I don't know exactly what that "something" is. 

I seem to be the only person I know to consider writing as an art. The art of words and how they are able to touch your heart and soul when structured in a special way. Perhaps that's where the insecurity comes from; the thought of myself as an artist seems a bit farfetched yet here we are. When reading drafts on the world outside my window along with the last entry Transparency where I mentioned the following quote:

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.”

-Expherience (Twitter)

I am forced to confront myself and ask if I am being truly honest in my writing or if I am simply trying to be relatable, not to my surprise the answer is a bit of both. My thought is to be honest as well as relatable however at what price? Am I so focused on being relatable that I am not completely being a light to otherwise dark areas that are rarely spoken of? I recall in the early days of my journey I thought everything had to be "love and light" and there were no "bad days", that was until many bad days occurred and forced me to push through to the other side of it. These days the not so good ones aren't as detrimental as I used to think they were, allowing myself the time and space to process the thoughts, feelings as well as emotions and pinpointing the root of it all has not been easy, nevertheless the lessons learned have brought me to the crossroads I currently find myself facing.

The thought of holding back versus the fear of oversharing has kept me from writing as much as I would like; especially since these days I have nothing but time on my hands. After much thought I found it rather ironic that the last post on the other blog was regarding transparency and how I would share more and the like only for it to be the last entry on that site. I don't quite feel as if I have become the woman I aspire to be yet I am not exactly the same girl who began that blog so many years ago. Through various shenanigans, heartbreak, heartache, victories, etc. I believe I have grown in ways only the wisdom of time can teach. For some odd reason I have been anticipating my next birthday, although I have a few goals to reach before then I haven't exactly planned it out. In thinking back on happier times I find myself still "stuck" in nostalgia, the trouble with that is the longing or should I say yearning for similar experiences. I have yet to learn how to overcome such thoughts and emotions and focus completely on the now. In my most recent post In Orbit I mentioned happiness being an unfamiliar concept to me in recent years. As I examine my words I had to answer a few questions about what I think happiness means before I could manifest what I believe it looks like. 

Maybe that's where I've gone astray, believing that happiness has a look as opposed it being a state of mind. I often question the hurt that comes up; which is more frequently than I'd like, yet it happens nonetheless. I try to single out the exact space the feeling or memory began in an attempt to transmute them into an emotion or observation that better serves me. Lately I believe I have been successful, not with everything, but with enough so that I don't overwhelm my therapist with so much to "fix". One thing I know for sure is how much I've learned about myself and the growth I've seen since I've established a regimen that works for me; including my medication, meditation, therapy and other metaphysical elements that keep me on track. I think that's why the above quote resinates with me as it does; especially where it says it's not about how many people like your work, but rather if your heart and soul is pleased. 

I've learned from various lessons within my journey to let go of the pressure; the pressure of the frequency of posting or the need to take a break from writing or social media. The idea that once I begin again readership won't be the same, which has been the case, slightly. I'm learning to trust the Universe in the idea that whosoever needs to read my words will find them. I had a conversation recently where I advised someone to let go of the things which are out of our control, I am taking my own advice today; trusting in myself and the gifts God has blessed me with to contribute to the wholeness of the planet in whichever way makes sense for me. I think that's where the happiness will awaken, or perhaps the muse I at times feel is necessary in order to write truly from my heart. Then I look at myself in this moment and realize it truly is within. I suppose I'll be able to share more on that in another entry. For now I am grateful, thankful and a little scared to share my soul. That level of vulnerability is something I'm still working on, it seems so intimate to be that transparent with others; yet I ask myself "am I even that transparent with myself"? So many times I hold back or stifle a thought because I simply don't want to think it or allow it to play out in my head. However I also realize that has been a hinderance for much longer than necessary.

The question then becomes "what am I going to do about it"?