closed for maintenance

I thought I had healed my brokenheart; that is until a conversation happened which punctured the wound. I realize that if I think of someone each day and not speak to them there's something odd about that. I wrote about it time and time again, this time hoping to gain some insight as to why things are the way they are. I realize I am not in the right emotional space to say the things my heart wants me to, yet I can not seem to shake this feeling of love; although distorted. I wrote recently about being open to a new love if one should show up, however I had to ask myself how will I notice a new lover when I'm stuck on a previous one? I thought I had healed, but in reality I was muffling the aches of desire that I feel for someone who I haven't spoken to in some time. I'd like to think on days like today that I am over it all... the heartache, heartbreak and feeling of longing; but it seems in that conversation I was unable to hide my true feelings and it was called out so effortlessly. As the energy moves into a new dimension I believe our psychic abilities have become stronger as well; so when she knew details that I hadn't shared I knew the information was coming straight from the Ether. Based on how the conversation started I had no idea it would be a rollercoaster of emotions on my part leading to a discussion regarding intimacy; a subject I've mentioned on the blogs from time to time, as I've shared before I am a bit afraid of intimacy. 

I feel sensitive to the thought or perhaps the idea of someone knowing me so closely; I am a private person, even at times surprising myself with the level of sharing I am able to do with you all. I suppose because you don't really know me it's easier to share my thoughts on my own terms and keep parts to myself and you'd never know. However in real life, I'd feel naked allowing someone to know me on such a personal level. I am not sure how or even if I want to overcome this issue, interestingly enough I was diving into the depths of my issues with my previous therapist when due to a change in my insurance I was forced to discontinue our sessions; right when we were about to discuss intimacy. I've set intentions that my new therapist and I will be able to pick up where she and I had left off. With that being said I guess that answers my question regarding whether or not I wanted to overcome the issue and allow myself the option to be intimate or not. I really thought I was ready for a lover; someone to stimulate my mind, body and soul if possible, but how could I be ready for a new when I am stuck on an old? I know the saying is something about if you want to get over an old lover to replace him/her with a new one, but if you were truly in love how could you even entertain someone else? I ask myself that as I realize a few mistakes I've made in the past and wonder if the pain of them was better or worse than facing my fear of rejection and possible humiliation in order to speak my truth to the one I love?

I think I need to pray, meditate and possible get and give a tarot reading for clarity and direction, but for now I'll sip my cannabis infused coffee and maybe eat an edible. As the rain drops to the ground I could enjoy some psychedelic thoughts, perhaps take a nap and have psychedelic dreams; I guess anything to avoid contacting the one person I think I want to talk to the most. Then again I have to ask myself, was that love so amazing or are you romanticizing it because there's no one else in the picture; right now? On one hand I believe I may be romanticizing the past as if it was far better than it actually was, overlooking the times when I was bored or distracted. Maybe not being completely truthful with how lovable I may or may not have been. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", so maybe I can see clearly the mistakes I've made yet not so much the mistakes made on the other persons behalf. I know some things happened which hurt my feelings and at times my heart so do I overlook that because I imagine a relationship being far greater in my mind than in reality? At this point I must ask if I am being delusional or if there's some other explanation. 

Perhaps I should have found a different title as I am not closing my heart from the possibility of meeting someone (which seems to be "in the cards" for me); I am however beginning to ask myself some harder questions such as: how did this person grow to occupy a space in my heart? how do I feel about that? why does it persist? I know some of you are probably thinking "how hard is it to just contact that person and shoot your shot?" well, I've chosen not to because I feel dumb; I feel dumb for wanting to reach out, even more so for the words that come to my mind when I think of initiating communication with someone who has chosen to almost ignore me. How is that for romantic? Over the years I've relied on a motto that if I don't know what to do about something, to do nothing. That is the approach I am taking with my heart right now; which lead to other questions in the aforementioned conversation. If I am leaving myself open to rekindling a love yet I've made no intentions to do so; how will the Universe know how to help me? I read a meme recently that said, "only put your energy into things you have a future with". To say that struck a cord within me to let go of this situation I have created for myself and leave well enough alone. Which takes me back to what started this whole thing to begin with; if you feel you love someone and you think of them daily, at what point do you reach out or chalk it up to a failed relationship and move forward?

Or, do I face my intimacy issues, set intentions and ask the Universe to intervene? I seriously took a break from writing to do an impromptu tarot reading and the cards basically said to take the leap. I don't know how long I can continue to ignore the cards in an effort to keep my ego intact; or how healthy that is? I just know as of late it's become a not so good habit. I tend to take the advice of my tarot reader before my own at times and I need to stop doing that; I have got to learn to embrace and trust my intuition, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Then Pandora plays a song which lyrics nearly brings tears to my eyes because it asks a question I have been dragging out for some time now. It's almost crazy how the Universe will send you all types of messages in the strangest forms to get your attention, I then talk myself out of saying something because I feel it's clichè to contact an ex-lover on a rainy day. See, it doesn't take much for me to crawl back into my shell; so I'll take some time and see how I feel on another day. Or maybe I'll wait until after a few therapy sessions? Either way, I know it won't be today; you can say I'm stubborn that way.

I feel torn and I am leaning towards the thought of leaving the past as it is, no matter how I've romanticized it and focus on unpacking my discomfort for intimacy and allowing that to heal the assumed heartbreak I think I feel for a relationship I've quite honestly put too much energy into where unlike myself, my confidant and tarot reader sees a future. I don't want to "block my blessings", but I honestly don't see a future or an appropriate time or place to say anything to anyone. I think it's best that I "do nothing" and allow God work it out, because leaning on my own understanding has left me more confused than ever. I hope that does not translate into the writing and making you confused as well. I think I should continue as I have, taking each day as they come and leaving things the way they are; for now.

A Girl, the Moon and Her Weed

I was in the presence of the Full Moon for a few days  allowing myself to tap into my core self and analyze some thoughts as well as emotions. I sat under the Sky with music and marijuana, specifically Golden Ticket and Blue Dream strains; and at times I sat there in silence, meditating and praying. I felt a level of clarity that I know I grew into, understanding myself in a different light yet feeling connected to everything. I'm sure it had much to do with The Great Conjunction and all of the magical energy swirling around the atmosphere ever since. Along with the New Year and all of the hopes, dreams and opportunities in mind during such time. I've been anticipating the New Year for many months now; as I am learning my gifts I am at a space where I trust myself and my knowing of things a lot more than in previous years.

I was looking forward to the New Moon in Capricorn, from what I read it seems this New Moon is in alignment with many of my recent writings; such as acknowledging myself and my accomplishments as well as eliminating things which no longer serve my highest good. As I tapped into my thoughts I found an appreciation for 2020 that I feel may be a bit unusual; I feel as if 2020 allowed me to heal quite a few emotional and mental wounds as well as helped me see lessons learned and to accept the wisdom from going through everything this past decade brought with it. When I sit outside at night I feel as if the Moon understands these random thoughts and sends encouragement to me in various messages such as Angel Numbers, song lyrics, synchronicities and the like. A while ago I kept seeing 555, which I understand means big changes are on the way. I am beginning to see some of those changes while anticipating more to come. I then think of astronomy when the Moon and a few planets (Jupiter, Saturn and Mercury) will be visible in the night's sky. Times like this I look forward to the city reopening so I can attend a Public Star Party at Griffith Park, in Los Angeles.

 

I recently had a lovely reading with my tarot reader and followed it up with a reading of my own which to no surprise confirmed many of the things discussed. I feel energized with a renewed sense of determination, where I want to write out some new goals, hopes and dreams. I mentioned it a while back where I felt as if I was still learning my purpose and having a difficult time identifying goals. I felt as if my goals died with the change of my health while dealing with bipolar, depression and anxiety disorder. I am proud of the steps taken to ensure I maintain good health (emotionally, mentally, physically as well as spiritually). I've learned over the years how not to neglect these aspects of myself; in the past I've done that, focused too much on one part of myself leaving the rest to feel abandoned. That's one thing I wanted to heal for many years, my feelings of abandonment and neglect; I wanted to fill the void in that space and remind my inner child that she is loved, supported and capable of accomplishing whatever dreams her mind sets itself upon. There was a time when I would not think to tell myself how proud I am of me, that's not the case anymore. I've done quite a few things in the past few years that I've felt proud of and I wanted to ensure that beginning in 2021 I'd acknowledge that more. For example with a newfound commitment to my fitness journey. I feel a responsibility to myself to pay more attention to preventative measures. 

As my birth date approaches I have begun to take an introspective look at myself and perhaps write out details of the goals and projects I want to give more attention to. I've been making notes in my 2021 planner and setting deadlines for myself, this time much more realistic than in previous attempts. I think as I am made aware of myself at a certain age I realize the only way to get my desired results I have to be willing to push though rather than hoping for a way around what I know it takes to make a difference... I read a meme recently that said "Cannabis: the glue holding this shitshow together"; in this moment that's how I feel about what's going on in my life, not that it's exactly a shitshow, but there are things that are quite a mess and it seems since I have yet to retain a therapist and writing has slowed down a bit, I can relate. For the past month I've found myself preoccupied, actually a little longer than a month with thoughts and circumstances that were unavoidable. I've been able to talk some things out while others situations called for me to think them through completely and I am doing well at that. With the Moon in Pisces I feel introspective and emotional, in addition to the Moon being in the Crescent Phase;  I feel as if my intuitive senses and imagination are heightened. Understanding a bit more of myself as well as my physic gifts.

I've been reading tarot a lot more lately, finding it to be a fascinating hobby. I would like to find more people to do readings for so I can improve and enhance my gift(s); feeling as if me being my own reader I can interpret the cards however I want since I know myself and my circumstances. It feels as if any card can be understood in a special way because I can see where it applies in my life, but with someone else; I'll have to lean totally on my intuition and interpretation of the cards. While the Sun is in Capricorn (my Sun sign); I feel capable of doing anything I set my mind to, I feel disciplined and aware of new goals. I am happier than I've been in a long time and I am grateful for all of the many blessings I see in my life each day. There was a time when I was so jaded that I could not always find the beauty of the day. I am hopeful, which is also a emotion I have not always felt. I am appreciative of the lessons in 2020 as well as the "some odd" years of life has taught me. I am also looking forward to the wisdom which comes with becoming a year older. I attribute cannabis to this newfound joy I've written about in the past, it wasn't until I added cannabis to my lifestyle that I gained clarity, my intuition has developed and my mood has been stable (for the most part). Tonight I sat under the Moon, Stars and Planets while drinking cannabis infused coffee and I felt one with all there is. I felt a connectedness that I may have written about in previous expressions, but in this moment I do not remember. After drinking some of the coffee I lit some Golden Ticket or Golden Dream in my bowl and took a toke or a few, I then remembered the cannabis oil in my coffee and the edible I'd eaten earlier in the day. 

I feel as if I am floating in a psychedelic cloud, feeling all of my feelings and hearing all of my thoughts; I was able to get to the root of some of my emotions while unlocking a bit of creativity which enabled me to write. Something I haven't been able to do in over a month. In my tarot readings I've gotten The Empress about three times in a row;  and I am not fully clear on it's meaning as I've studied various "meanings" including the one attached. I feel the desire to do a reading for myself now, just to see which cards I pull and if The Empress is amongst them... In my impromptu reading for myself, the card that stuck out the most was The High Priestess which simply says to me to embody the Goddess within; and listen to my intuition, dreams and synchronicities. It's funny because I always try to do a reading centered around love and the cards don't seem to be aligned with the placement of that in my life at the moment; it seems. Well until today, I won't disclose the card, but what I understand, is a new love may be in the near future. Wouldn't that be interesting? I joined a group on Facebook and the other day someone asked, "do you think you're in the right place for a relationship...?" I thought to comment leaving my immediate thoughts to the question when I decided to think a little deeper into the question. I decided not to post my answer yet I find it interesting to get a card confirming my tarot reader's prediction that I would be meeting someone soon.

Since it's been a while since I've shared I wanted to catch up with what's been going on with me and how I've been coping with my mental health issues in the midst of a pandemic. As I've shared before, I hope you all are taking the necessary time and attention needed for your mental, spiritual, physical, emotional, etc health. Take it from me, life without mental health issues can be taken for granted and changed in a blink of an eye. Oh, what I'd give to have my old life back; I'd like to think I would have grown at the same pace or quicker without the onset of depression, bipolar and anxiety disorders. I try not to ride that train of thought too often or for too long because hindsight is full of woulda, coulda, shoulda's. The other day I experienced a remote energy cleanse and I could feel the energy clearing so heavily that. one of my crystals broke. Initially I was heartbroken until I researched it and found a site which says when a crystal brakes it means it's served it's purpose for my time with it. Interestingly enough it was a rose quartz which is understood to be the crystal of unconditional love, carrying feminine energy which falls in line with the empress and the high priestess tarot cards. I feel as if I've released a ton of energy that no longer serves me concerning love, being loved and unconditional love. Like I've said before, it's fascinating how all of these aspects come together and answers questions only God and the Universe knows you've asked.

I am looking forward to my birth date; which is in less than 24 hours away, although due to covid I do not have any plans. I feel as if even though this isn't a milestone age; I feel blessed for so many reasons. As the music plays I feel as if the distractions I've felt lately are slowly melting away. I'm realizing I've had marijuana in three different forms yesterday; each creating it's own sensations from my pineal gland to my heart and inner mind. I've been seeing the number 222 often as well; that just popped in my mind because as I understand 222 means "you're on the right path" in addition to the need for balance, trust and faith. I believe it all makes complete sense how astrology, astronomy numerology and the supernatural come together to tell a story and if we are able to decode it our lives are made a bit easier to navigate. I pray we all tune into our intuitive side and see life through the third eye as Source may have intended. I would say that's a whole other course of thought; so I'll leave that there and call it a night.

Kamille 💗✨

In The Meantime...

"your mind, this globe of awareness, is a starry universe. When you push off with your foot, a thousand new roads become clear".

Rumi

It took me quite some time to get an understanding of the above quote; however I find myself at a crossroads and I feel as if any decision I make will lead to a thousand new roads.  It wasn't until this moment that I feel the starry universe of my mind trying to figure out which road to take. I find myself stressed, the cause is slightly out of my sight so I don't know exactly what is behind these feelings. I've been praying and meditating, but I have yet to see the answer clearly; I haven't been in this space in a very long time, so I've contacted my doctor to request a referral for a new psychologist. I know I've mentioned going back to my former therapist some time ago, but it wasn't until recently that I knew I needed another "safe space" to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am looking forward to learning if I'll have the same therapist or if it'll be someone new, I'd prefer someone new since I can not go back to the therapist I'd choose for myself. 

Although it took a minute to realize it's a good thing to talk to someone who is 100% objective, I feel as if it's right on time. I think as we deal with life during a pandemic we should take the necessary steps in keeping our mental and emotional health a priority; not to mention our spiritual health as well. I hope you know that it is not taboo to seek assistance from someone other than friends and family; at times therapy can be a saving grace and allows a perspective you may not have reached by doing the same things as before. I think we owe it to ourselves to monitor ourselves and take whatever steps are appropriate at that time.

As I have four (4) drafts I'm currently writing I feel a bit overwhelmed, as if I should have posted a long time ago; but at the tagline suggests, I write when I'm in the mood to share. Even though I have been in the mood to share I have to make sure the words make sense and I don't feel as if I'm rambling. I feel the need for direction is popping up in my life in so many aspects and I am a bit confused on which direction to take. In the meantime, I've allowed myself to relax more as well as take some time to indulge in self-care; even if the way I'd like isn't possible at this time (due to covid). A spa day would be perfect on a day like today; to have a sugar scrub with a massage and a lovely shower afterwards, it's invigorating. Nevertheless, adjusting to the pandemic has been a challenge at times, but I'm managing. I hope you all are finding healthy ways to deal with life as we know it; stay safe.

Happy New Year! 🥳 

Kamille