closed for maintenance

I thought I had healed my brokenheart; that is until a conversation happened which punctured the wound. I realize that if I think of someone each day and not speak to them there's something odd about that. I wrote about it time and time again, this time hoping to gain some insight as to why things are the way they are. I realize I am not in the right emotional space to say the things my heart wants me to, yet I can not seem to shake this feeling of love; although distorted. I wrote recently about being open to a new love if one should show up, however I had to ask myself how will I notice a new lover when I'm stuck on a previous one? I thought I had healed, but in reality I was muffling the aches of desire that I feel for someone who I haven't spoken to in some time. I'd like to think on days like today that I am over it all... the heartache, heartbreak and feeling of longing; but it seems in that conversation I was unable to hide my true feelings and it was called out so effortlessly. As the energy moves into a new dimension I believe our psychic abilities have become stronger as well; so when she knew details that I hadn't shared I knew the information was coming straight from the Ether. Based on how the conversation started I had no idea it would be a rollercoaster of emotions on my part leading to a discussion regarding intimacy; a subject I've mentioned on the blogs from time to time, as I've shared before I am a bit afraid of intimacy. 

I feel sensitive to the thought or perhaps the idea of someone knowing me so closely; I am a private person, even at times surprising myself with the level of sharing I am able to do with you all. I suppose because you don't really know me it's easier to share my thoughts on my own terms and keep parts to myself and you'd never know. However in real life, I'd feel naked allowing someone to know me on such a personal level. I am not sure how or even if I want to overcome this issue, interestingly enough I was diving into the depths of my issues with my previous therapist when due to a change in my insurance I was forced to discontinue our sessions; right when we were about to discuss intimacy. I've set intentions that my new therapist and I will be able to pick up where she and I had left off. With that being said I guess that answers my question regarding whether or not I wanted to overcome the issue and allow myself the option to be intimate or not. I really thought I was ready for a lover; someone to stimulate my mind, body and soul if possible, but how could I be ready for a new when I am stuck on an old? I know the saying is something about if you want to get over an old lover to replace him/her with a new one, but if you were truly in love how could you even entertain someone else? I ask myself that as I realize a few mistakes I've made in the past and wonder if the pain of them was better or worse than facing my fear of rejection and possible humiliation in order to speak my truth to the one I love?

I think I need to pray, meditate and possible get and give a tarot reading for clarity and direction, but for now I'll sip my cannabis infused coffee and maybe eat an edible. As the rain drops to the ground I could enjoy some psychedelic thoughts, perhaps take a nap and have psychedelic dreams; I guess anything to avoid contacting the one person I think I want to talk to the most. Then again I have to ask myself, was that love so amazing or are you romanticizing it because there's no one else in the picture; right now? On one hand I believe I may be romanticizing the past as if it was far better than it actually was, overlooking the times when I was bored or distracted. Maybe not being completely truthful with how lovable I may or may not have been. As they say "hindsight is 20/20", so maybe I can see clearly the mistakes I've made yet not so much the mistakes made on the other persons behalf. I know some things happened which hurt my feelings and at times my heart so do I overlook that because I imagine a relationship being far greater in my mind than in reality? At this point I must ask if I am being delusional or if there's some other explanation. 

Perhaps I should have found a different title as I am not closing my heart from the possibility of meeting someone (which seems to be "in the cards" for me); I am however beginning to ask myself some harder questions such as: how did this person grow to occupy a space in my heart? how do I feel about that? why does it persist? I know some of you are probably thinking "how hard is it to just contact that person and shoot your shot?" well, I've chosen not to because I feel dumb; I feel dumb for wanting to reach out, even more so for the words that come to my mind when I think of initiating communication with someone who has chosen to almost ignore me. How is that for romantic? Over the years I've relied on a motto that if I don't know what to do about something, to do nothing. That is the approach I am taking with my heart right now; which lead to other questions in the aforementioned conversation. If I am leaving myself open to rekindling a love yet I've made no intentions to do so; how will the Universe know how to help me? I read a meme recently that said, "only put your energy into things you have a future with". To say that struck a cord within me to let go of this situation I have created for myself and leave well enough alone. Which takes me back to what started this whole thing to begin with; if you feel you love someone and you think of them daily, at what point do you reach out or chalk it up to a failed relationship and move forward?

Or, do I face my intimacy issues, set intentions and ask the Universe to intervene? I seriously took a break from writing to do an impromptu tarot reading and the cards basically said to take the leap. I don't know how long I can continue to ignore the cards in an effort to keep my ego intact; or how healthy that is? I just know as of late it's become a not so good habit. I tend to take the advice of my tarot reader before my own at times and I need to stop doing that; I have got to learn to embrace and trust my intuition, even if it makes me uncomfortable. Then Pandora plays a song which lyrics nearly brings tears to my eyes because it asks a question I have been dragging out for some time now. It's almost crazy how the Universe will send you all types of messages in the strangest forms to get your attention, I then talk myself out of saying something because I feel it's clichè to contact an ex-lover on a rainy day. See, it doesn't take much for me to crawl back into my shell; so I'll take some time and see how I feel on another day. Or maybe I'll wait until after a few therapy sessions? Either way, I know it won't be today; you can say I'm stubborn that way.

I feel torn and I am leaning towards the thought of leaving the past as it is, no matter how I've romanticized it and focus on unpacking my discomfort for intimacy and allowing that to heal the assumed heartbreak I think I feel for a relationship I've quite honestly put too much energy into where unlike myself, my confidant and tarot reader sees a future. I don't want to "block my blessings", but I honestly don't see a future or an appropriate time or place to say anything to anyone. I think it's best that I "do nothing" and allow God work it out, because leaning on my own understanding has left me more confused than ever. I hope that does not translate into the writing and making you confused as well. I think I should continue as I have, taking each day as they come and leaving things the way they are; for now.