the Moon and a sky full of stars

For some reason I couldn't wait to start a new draft; the laughter and smoke fill the room as Scarface plays in the background. Rocko is asleep; which is great because the fireworks have been getting on his nerves. I've been out of town for the past few days so I am looking forward to going home tomorrow. It's been years since I last saw this film and it doesn't quite hold my attention, not in a bad way; just in a "it is what it is" type of way. I find myself a bit restless as said in my last post; purple clouds, I would like to be at the beach right now, but it's late and I have no one to accompany me. Rocko (my puppy) is snoring, which somehow reminded me that I need to go food shopping in the very near future; one errand that I do not always enjoy. I'm looking forward to a few things next week; such as getting my hair done and puppy sitting for a couple weeks. I've never done that before so we're going to start with a puppy play date and see how well the puppies interact with one another. I believe they will get along well as they are both spoiled and sheltered which means I'll basically treat her like I treat Rocko. My only hope is that he doesn't try or actually hump her; she's a virgin and he's already a puppy daddy of five (5). The good thing is both have been "fixed" so there's no chance of pregnancy; seeing how I can not take being a puppy midwife again. 

December 2017 my two (2) puppies, Rocko and Sasha; ran away. After a week of them being gone I was devastated and anxiety was overwhelming me so I purchased another puppy, Coco Moon. A week later I was reunited with Rocko and Sasha, I quickly took them to their vet and one of my first questions was "is she pregnant" which the response I received after the necessary exam was "no". This was January 2018, sometime in February I look out the corner of my eye after seeing something moving in the corner next to Sasha. As I turn on my bed to get a better view I yell out "a puppy!" to my surprise Sasha was giving birth if her bed in the corner of my bedroom. She went on to have three (3) more before I noticed she didn't take the same care with the last one (1) as she had done with the others, so I took her to the emergency vet and as soon as I placed her on the counter she gave birth to puppy number five (5). Instinctively, I knew something was wrong and sure enough she was having difficulty with the last puppy who later developed a hernia. It was a fulfilled, exhausting, enlightening six to eight (6-8) weeks of being a puppy grandmother and taking care of all eight (8) puppies at once. I learned of my strength during that time, I don't go into the myth of the "strong black woman" because as a black woman I am more than my strength; however I tend to downplay myself and my strength. However this situation brought that to mind as I was actually responsible for myself, my son and eight (8) puppies; the most responsibility I've ever had and I kept everyone alive! 

I've already smoked two (2) Zookies pre-rolls and in the mood to smoke another, however I am still in the clouds. I feel as if I am in my own little world in a room full of people. Joss Stone is singing and making me feel as if I've made a good decision concerning something that was on my mind for the past couple of weeks. Sade comes in and confirms it, I like when Pandora is this way; as if the Universe is speaking to me through songs. I'm burst from my bubble of aloneness as others in the room see me grooving to the music through my headphones and want to be included; so now it's playing on the television for the room to hear. The urge to write is currently conflicting with the urge to smoke since I can not do both without one suffering in a way that I do not wish to experience.  Mary J Blige is singing "be happy" and the lyrics are hitting a bit differently tonight than on other nights. I suppose as I experience happiness for one of my best friend's and his new relationship, I am forced to look at my own relationship status and how the prospects have not risen to the occasion. Although most days I enjoy being single, but times like now where it's the "wee" hours of the day and I yearn to be sitting along the shore, a companion would be a nice; someone to have to sit with me. I love being at the beach at this hour because it is nearly deserted and I can smoke without worry and just enjoy my hippie moment. 

I want to have a hippie summer this year; basically spending lots of time at the beach and smoking good weed with friends and/or family, while random music plays. Sade comes on with "bullet proof soul" and I am reminded of unpinned where I spoke of my disappointment and the lyrics to this song just fits somehow. I spent time with the Moon nearly every night last week and tonight; I'm anticipating the Super Full Moon next week as if I were a child on Christmas. as I am working on my playlist for next Sunday's show on Moon Goddess Radio. While smoking the rest of my pre-roll, Bob Marley comes on and it seems like alignment with the music as he sings "is this love?".  I feel so high I just want to go to sleep and enjoy my dreams, but the turn up isn't over so I'm up writing and watching my sleeping Rocko... I did just that, retired to my dreams and they were magnificent; now I'm broadcasting on Moon Goddess Radio for my "hump day" show. I was looking forward to doing the show this evening; mainly because it gives me something to do during the time when I'm usually bored. Listeners and followers are improving so that makes me smile. I've started the playlist for Sunday, but I need to put it together totally, good thing I still have time before I go live. 

I have been looking more into the sacral chakra and found this article helpful; especially when it speaks about this chakra being balanced can lead to a more harmonious, pleasurable and nurturing life. All of which I desire, I believe the fear is decreasing as I learn more about it and how it functions. I feel as if I'm learning to manage my sexual energy by diving into other creative outlets, such as the blogs and Moon Goddess Radio. Now I just want to find a way to incorporate painting something into the mix. I stumbled upon a quote by Paulo Coelho which says "when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it." I feel as if things I want to do are making their way to me in unique ways... I took a few days away from writing to do some introspection and welcome my house guest, which is going well. The puppies are getting along nicely and I am happy about it! I'm also happy about rekindling a relationship that I thought would never be salvaged. I've been smiling all day and thinking about this person with fond thoughts awaiting our next encounter. In the words of Ice Cube "today was like one of those fly dreams"; I keep replaying it in my mind as it was a surprise, a happy surprise! Making me wish next week was tomorrow or now to be honest. I love his company and desire his touch on my skin, it seems like when he's in my life my sacral chakra feels balanced. I get this gush of creativity in my words and expressions that I have not gotten with anyone else's energy. I could go on, but I think it would be the whiskey talking so I won't. 

Until next time,

purple clouds

"drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. you can not be improved. you have only to come to it, to know it; to realize it"

Osho

As I wrote in my most recent post I feel that same sensation today as I drink my cannabis infused coffee. This above quote makes it make sense to me as I am realizing who I am. Kamille Appreciation Day went well and I found the journals I was looking for; also, I had a great show on Moon Goddess Radio. I sit here after reading two half full journals dating back to 2014; at the time I was going through a lot while having feelings of love fill my heart and head. I used to think I needed to change so many things about myself to "become" the woman of my dreams then, one day I realized I am already that woman; it's just a matter of coming to it and knowing it for myself. Taking the day to love on myself was very delightful; I am finding it difficult to put into words. Music by Ronnie Foster is playing and I'm sitting near my patio enjoying the cool Summer breeze; at the beginning of the day I had yet to make plans, but that soon changed; I now have plans to hang out with a friend this afternoon and possibly visit with my Aunt who is in town for a few days. I will admit, I am looking forward to the weekend, maybe "turn up" with family; hang out with a friend or chill with my Mom and my puppy. I have been so indecisive lately, taking longer than usual to make decisions. I feel as if I may be a bit preoccupied with various thoughts that keep coming to mind, perhaps I should explore them. 

As I think of words I'm willing to share, my mind goes blank; so I decide to take a break from writing to spend time with a friend and wake up to the following Third Eye Chakra affirmation: "I am connected to my inner guidance and intuition. I trust in my ability to make correct decisions for myself. I open to my purpose and trust in it's unfolding. I move forward in each breath connected to my purpose. I trust in my gifts and abilities. Unlimited possibility flows to me in every moment." posted on Instagram by @the_goddess_circle_ara. I feel I read that in perfect timing as I find myself in alignment with my higher self these days. Today is a bit busier than the past few have been, but I'm excited to get moving and start the day... A few days have passed full of errands and time spent with friends and family. As I re-read the third eye chakra affirmation I was lead to find one for the Crown Chakra; which I did on the same instagram feed. It says "I honor the truth of my spirit. I open to my path on this planet. I honor the gifts that are flowing within me. I acknowledge my intuition and inner guidance. I open to my deepest wisdom. I trust in the unfolding journey in front of me." I feel as if I focus on those two (2) chakra's the most and I am intending to balance them all as the other chakra's may be feeling neglected. I feel as if I check in with the status of my chakra's on a regular basis, but at times, like now I feel as if I have abandoned them for too long. Thoughts of my Dad enter my mind as Michael Franks plays; I have fond memories as we'd often spend holiday's, birthday's and Father's Day together. This time however I am not hit by sadness as I am sure he is in a better place; not to sound cliche. 

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Southern California and I am feeling the effects of Alien OG; which are euphoria and giggles, both of which I feel at the moment. Now Nina Simone is singing and I feel relaxed and at peace within myself. I am writing these words as I broadcast Moon Goddess Radio and briefly I thought I may be doing too much yet the music is inspiring me to do so. I don't know if it's the vibe or if I'm just high or perhaps a combination of the two, nevertheless I am enjoying the day. This strain reminds me of Cherry Pie, having the same euphoric sensations and giggly effects. I feel a little jittery, which is odd because I haven't had coffee today; then I think that's probably why. I still don't know what I intend to share other than the above then I think of my plans for tomorrow deciding to stay at my Mom's with my puppy; since he is frightened by the fireworks. That's one decision made, now on to the others which I think need a bit more time to process. Pink Floyd fills the space and I feel myself elevated; exuding happiness and a love for life. The only thing I'd add would be the Moon; speaking of, I am looking forward to the Super Full Moon approximately July 12th through 15th. I love a Super Full Moon; the fullness and brightness of it is just mesmerizing often sending me to thoughts of  my dreams, goals and desires. I think that's still an area I shy away from on the blogs and my social media, desires; often when I think of desire I think soon after about sex then I think of my Sacral Chakra as it is said to control creativity as well as sexual energy. Although I know that I still find myself neglecting that particular chakra; for no reason other than fear, I wasn't brought up in a religious household, but I feel as if I did not learn or hear a lot about sex while growing up. So I've learned a lot from books and some experiences, I don't know exactly what it is I fear about learning and aligning with my sacral chakra knowing the creative aspects that would be balanced.

Another day has passed and I'm celebrating the holiday, unfortunately my puppy is not enjoying the day with the fireworks and festivities. Nevertheless, I'm listening to @kingleopicasso on Amp (app) and rocking out to the music. I'm high off Zookies now, as if I'm floating in the purple clouds;  feelings of euphoria fill my being allowing me to be in bliss. Scrolling through my social media I came across a meme from @iambrillyant which said, "the fine balance between holding space for other people and learning to hold space for yourself. There is magic there." that's something I'm still learning to embody. As a former perfectionist with people pleasing tendencies I found myself placing space for others slightly before my own then wondering why a lot of my relationships had grown to be one sided. I could relate so deeply with the Stevie Wonder song, "love's in need of love today", because some days I just needed someone to treat me how I treated my loved ones; that comes up from time to time however less often because of the support system I have in place these days. Finding the magic in taking the appropriate balance of space for myself as well as no longer accepting any type of treatment with the label of friendship attached. I am now asserting myself more and my appearance seems to exude happiness as people have been asking me lately "are you happy? you look happy" or something to that effect; I enjoy it, in the past people would always ask "what's wrong?", because my facial expressions will tell on me every time. I can't hide some thoughts or my feelings because my face will expose me and have people asking "why are you looking like that? you look _____" which is usually exactly what I'm thinking or feeling about something that has occurred or been said.

Funny, I began this expression on Saturday and here we are on Tuesday and probably won't publish until maybe Wednesday. Which is still better than months, the Moon was beautiful tonight; I wanted to be at the beach but time didn't permit such an outing.  I suppose I just wanted to check in since I don't have much more to share with you all; I'm looking forward to the show scheduled for Wednesday evening in addition to my show on Sunday. I feel good, even with a few chores in need of attention. Rocko (my puppy) is doing much better now as the fireworks are coming to an end the marijuana smoke that filled the air may have contributed to his calm demeanor. I hope you all had a fun and safe holiday...

until next time