how high do you want to get?

“I know you’re tired but come, this is the way.”

~Rumi

This year really tried me, tired me out, but the fight has just begun. As 2024 approaches and a New Year along with a new age finds me at a point in my life that I've never imagined. I feel as if I am in an alternate Universe and praying I find my way back to the life of my dreams. I am not quite ready to share exactly what has been going on with me, but I will say the past two (2) months have been a challenge to say the least. I find myself inspired by the simplest things and finding gratitude in the most unlikely spaces. I've fallen in love with the music I entertain as well as the gift of creativity. I could share some cliché parables regarding the matters at hand, but I figure that would only leave confusion in my vague attempt to share without actually sharing. When the time is right I will discover the best outlet to share; until then we'll just move on to figuring out what this expression is actually about. 

As usual the music plays and the smoke fills the room as I explore my thoughts which lands on my birth date, thinking of what I'd like to do to celebrate (although it isn't a milestone year; technically, yet for personal reasons I feel as if it will be a milestone for me). Realizing I may have smoked about an eighth yet I feel as if I should smoke a little more; I don't know if my tolerance is too high or if I may have outgrown this strain. Or perhaps, since I am not interacting with anyone at the moment I do not realize how high I actually am? The strain of choice has been Mango Kush however, I think I may need to switch it up to the infused Acapulco Gold for its creative, energetic and uplifting effects. 

Now I feel myself a little giggly and as I type that seems to be the talkative aspect of the Mango Kush mixing with the Acapulco Gold. It's a pleasant hybrid combining the elements of both strains to create a happy disposition. I took a break from writing for a few days and decided I wanted to conclude this expression as the last one of 2023. In the midst of the writing break I was able to spend some time with the last Full Moon of the year. I felt hopeful in those moments, feelings of love and happiness filled me at those times. As I pray for those feelings to come again I believe this year has taught me a lot about myself. Giving myself the opportunity to improve upon some things that I feel are not as strong as they could be as well as exude or enhance the things I believe I am doing "right". My prayer for 2024 is for more love, times of happiness, strength, courage, prosperity and good health; to name a few things. 

I mentioned earlier about the amount of reefer I've inhaled within the past few days and I did hear a song which one of the lyrics asked "how damn high are you tryna get?", knowing that was the title for this expression I did have to ask it of myself. I have no answer as of yet, I just know I  have not reached the heights of where I'd like to be in my celebration of the final day of 2023. Enjoying the atmosphere I've created for myself with loved ones near by I feel as if my choice of where to spend the day was in my favor. Thoughts of my higher self came to mind, allowing me to recognize I am almost as high as I would like to be, causing me to figure out a plan of pacing myself for the hour of the moment. Taking a moment to review January's calendar I realize I have one (1) more week of a break until Spring semester begins. 

Oh, I nearly forgot; I have an update in regard to my weight loss journey, After many years of struggling I have lost another twenty (20) pounds! For the first time in a long time I am seeing results and have even found myself saying (to myself) "this time next year..." which is monumental for me in these times of uncertainty. I am thankful to you all for your support throughout the year and into the years to come. I wish you all success, happiness, love as well as the desires of your heart...

Until next time... Happy New Year!

chapter 2023

It's the beginning of December and it seems as if the year flew by; I hope you all enjoyed the recent "holiday" and got a chance to spend quality time with loved ones. So far I have a few appointments set up along with the end of the Fall semester, which made me realize I'll be out of school for about a month. For those who know me personally, you can imagine how much anxiety this realization created. The idea of the amount of time I spend studying and completing assignments which allows me to progress in my education, but also eases some of the boredom I find myself experiencing on a regular basis. I've already looked into a few puff & paint classes, I even looked into sip & paint; only because I really want to paint although I would rather puff than sip. 

Two (2) joints in and as I sit at my laptop random thoughts cross my mind, beginning with a thought about music and how much I enjoy discovering new artists and their work. Now I am remembering the month off which is approaching and I will admit, I am not looking forward to it. Since beginning this expression I have completed all of my assignments as well as my Philosophy final exam. So now I just wait until my GPA is updated and prepare for Spring semester. I am happy with the fact, I did my best this semester and that's all I can do...

I had a quick thought to begin writing a book while I have this time off, seeing how I'll only have scheduled appointments and errands with so much "free time" to delve into a couple of chapters. The question comes to mind: "where do I begin?" and I am not quite sure, as we enter chapter 2024 I thought of making that the beginning then I remembered it has yet to begin.  On to other thoughts, mainly about lighting this joint; which I have done since writing the thought of it. Mango Kush is on the menu and for an indica, I feel creative, relaxed, and a bit talkative; among other things. The music and marijuana has created a nice vibe, almost allowing me to feel "free". 

Seeing how this expression is entitled "chapter 2023" I feel compelled to write something concerning a retrospective view as well as some thoughts in regard to the upcoming year. Truth is, I don't have much to say about 2023; I will admit it has been a life altering year for me however, I am not ready to discuss on this outlet.  Taking a moment to check the weather I realize I want to be sitting on the beach, smoking some joints, listening to music with good company. Unfortunately, that won't be tonight, now I have to entertain myself indoors and aside from the beach I realize I am doing what I want with the exception of the atmosphere. 

After another two (2) joints, I realize it's the Acapulco Gold making me creative and feeling free. I've only heard of this strain so when the opportunity presented itself for me to get it I jumped at the chance! I am happy I did. I totally forgot I smoked it in between the Mango Kush. I feel a bit of anxiety as it leaves my body and thoughts that were plaguing me are beginning to leave my mind. I want this feeling to last forever, but realistically with bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression that's a lot to ask. 

Rocko smoked with me and now he's asleep, so with the exception of the music it is extremely quiet. Leaving me thinking about said book and where to begin, again. I am finally "high" and feeling a little anti-social as I don't want anyone to "ruin" it for me. As some of you may know, I don't completely remember my childhood; however, I have chosen not to dig into it as I feel there is a reason those memories are suppressed. So the question of where I began is a little confusing, do I begin with the memories that are fresh in my mind or the onset of these illnesses? I had a thought to begin with the first expression made "public" and going from there with relevant information in an autobiographical form. 

I suppose as the close of the year approaches I recognize how thankful and grateful I am for the life I live. I am blessed and I don't think I acknowledge that enough. Although I have various health and wellness issues, every thought and experience from the beginning up until now have been far better than it could have been. Thoughts of my Dad come to mind and I am engulfed in love, remembering the man he was and the things he taught me are priceless and I am happy to have had him in my life for those 38 years. Now that my Mom and I are bonding and getting to know one another better, I feel as if I have a completeness that calms me and lets me know that I am not alone. I feel as if this expression is a bit scattered yet I don't know how to bring it back together. 

Until next time...