A Beautiful Disaster

As I've shared vaguely throughout the years the "holiday season" is not my favorite time of year. So I've learned to use those times as introspection in order to focus on an area I'd want to improve upon concerning issue(s) associated with my thoughts and/or feelings. With the intention of healing or at the very least acknowledging the hurt associated with the potential or actual triggers. Last year however was more difficult; I believe as the election approached and the final choices were established my anxiety went haywire. The truth is, for some odd reason I seem to experience some of the worst things of my life in the last part of the year; for example, November 2005, a car accident that quite honestly should have killed me (click the above link for original [edited] post and / or see photos below*). Also in November, the birth date of my best friend; I've never reassigned his standing in my life as the impression he left me with is quite irreplaceable; I've written about him before on the other blog; however since re-publishing it that particular post was one of those chosen to revert to draft, as it is quite personal and I realize it was too intimate to share with the public at this time.  Each year on or around his birth date I find myself reminiscing which since the onset of the conditions can result in nostalgia or a great depression. The worst part of that is I never know which it will be until it happens. Nevertheless, I learned so much from our friendship, he was my first real love; the blueprint to the love I envision still to this day. I won't go into detail, but in January 2002 he chose to commit suicide. I apologize if that is triggering for anyone, unfortunately there is no other way to explain it. As you can imagine even sharing this now has made me a bit emotional. If you can imagine that type of love and the reality of the outcome I believe you can figure my reluctance towards a few things in the realm of vulnerability. Then there was the initial anxiety attack in September 2012 which morphed into anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.  So typically from September until January I am rather fragile, not that I advertise it; actually I'm sure if I didn't mention it no one would  know.

Now with all of that the disbelief of the possible outcome of this election had me on edge, with one candidate it would be status quo, neither better or worse for a person in my position (a Black woman with disabilities / mental illness, etc.) yet with the other, a "person" who seems to want to set the world on fire (and not in a fun loving, romanticized fashion) we all see the outcome of that; and it's only been a little more than a week. For the first few days I did not leave my house for fear of the atmosphere and news of various attacks. With everything in mind I took an extremely proactive approach towards self-care to ensure I did not become manic.  Which is when I began to look deeper into myself and actually begin some Soul work and according to my Vedic horoscope I have some kind of repressed desire; I began to meditate and pray on the discovery to no avail.  So I decided to gift myself various books on my wishlist in the hopes of my higher self directing me to the hidden gems referenced through the Universe.  

Since the beginning of the year I have made a conscious effort to have scheduled Sacred Time each morning (4-6 am); up until then I simply dedicated whenever I awoke in the day, before break fast.  However since I've incorporated having the time scheduled I've noticed a difference in my spiritual life.  I decided to make this change after beginning the book Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Shortly after I started it, Queen Afua posted on Instagram about a call she was conducting which happened to align with the day I was having and I decided to join.  During the call she discussed the importance of Sacred Time and why it should be done during this time, so I started the following day.  Initially it was a bit difficult due to my battles with insomnia and the fact that my sleep pattern already leaves much to be desired (to say the least).  As I got deeper into the book some other issues and patterns resurfaced which reminded me of another book I'd intended to purchase; Trust by Iyanla Vanzant.  I will admit, I had been avoiding this book for some time as I felt I was not ready to be as vulnerable as it would require.  However, with the soul work I had begun there was no choice; I did not want to deal with any adverse "consequences" associated with rebelling against the needs of my soul.  As the scripture says, "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (I Samuel 15:22b, NIV).  I am glad that I followed the direction of my soul as it lead me to a few interesting revelations in terms of my personality, emotional "wounds" and patterns.  Some of which I was already aware and /or familiar with and others that came as a bit of a surprise, nevertheless, I feel as if I am on the road to discovering my purpose.  

I say that because considering all that I have been through in my life and the recent events which lead to my current conditions along with my knowledge and relationship with The Most High, God; I can not understand this life being as it has been without a purpose somewhere along the way.  As it states in Romans 8: 28, KJV; "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose". I believe I've shared before of the desire I have to write a book, perhaps a novel.  Without going into much detail I would like to write about my life pre-conditions and the adjustments needed to maintain health and sanity with mental illness.  In addition to the information I share about myself on various social media outlets, I find it therapeutic to contribute within the conversations of encouragement, mental health awareness and as of late advocating on behalf of social injustice.  I also find myself to be hypersensitive concerning the narrative I see associated with the continued stigma and narrow-mindedness surrounding mental health and "acceptable" treatment.  On occasion I'll see view points which shadow my own, but on average I find it to be limiting, discouraging and / or shaming; which is also triggering.  I believe I wrote in the past that rather than waiting to find someone to speak in terms that I relate to I should be that voice, even if it's only for myself.  

I think that has been the most difficult to understand; the knowledge of my spiritual life flourishing while through the course of time my mental, emotional and physical health has declined.  Although I know the depth of my faith, the difficultly in accepting limitations that are unfamiliar to me and the life I once lived. I won't go into detail, but what I will share is the feeling as I would imagine when the Titanic crashed into the iceberg; or perhaps an iceberg in general. Understanding the surface is so minute in comparison to what lies beneath. Maybe this will be my life's work, to understand my own brain and how it has changed. Which is another concept I began to explore, for my whole life (prior to the development of mental health issues) I thought your brain is what it is; of course everyone continues to have the ability to learn, but the idea that your brain can change completely and some things you found to be effortless can become extremely challenging due to some event such as an anxiety attack or other developments.  I witnessed an exchange on twitter the other day which lead me to search online for personality test(s); I shared the web address in Instagram because I found it gave me so much insight because of how accurate it was.  This then lead me to Self-Therapy Journey and I thought to share, not only because of the information I received, but because I realize although mental health awareness have become common buzz-words I don't think it is taken seriously by the masses in the way that it should be.  Typically we see dysfunctional behavior and it becomes a meme or a joke and we (speaking in general) circulate it until it's not longer funny or there's another to replace it; however as someone who battles mental health issues I find some things more of a "cry for help" as opposed to humorous.  

I guess if I can take all of my experiences, lessons, blessings, etc. and shed light on an otherwise overlooked aspect of life or lend my "voice" for otherwise unheard communities in which I can relate then what greater purpose is there for me? The good thing about that is, if there is a higher purpose, in time it will be revealed and in the meantime I can do what has become a saving grace for myself (for various reasons) and if by chance someone feels encouraged or heard or what have you; then I know I have made a positive contribution to this place we reside called Earth.  

Blessings & Happy New Moon in Aquarius 🌑♒️💗✨

*November 5, 2005

The Beginning of Everything

"To write is to give your heart away to everyone."  ~ Unknown

I've sat with my laptop in front of me and attempted to type my heart out, only to become overwhelmed; leaving at least 3 drafts to be completed. Initially I thought I was a bit too vague, then I overshared and finally there was a post which was quite scattered. I then decided to take a step back and allow all of my thoughts and feelings to settle for understanding.  It wasn't until today when it dawned on me: I have not been in the space for vulnerability to flow properly. I say that because, vulnerability has always been a touchy topic for me, the concept has evolved throughout the years, however it's still extremely personal and uncomfortable for me to share.

I suppose that's where the above quote comes into the picture, I realized many Moons ago that writing requires a particular honesty that comes from being vulnerable with your thoughts. To open yourself in a way that allows the person reading to step into your shoes, see the world through your eyes and experience what's being shared from another perspective; at least that is what I hope happens when someone understands my words.  The trouble is I struggle with the actuality of that. Typically when I write it is to share a thought or express my feelings in the moment, lately, I've wanted to process some of my thoughts aloud since my circumstances have taken a turn and I find myself alone a lot more than before.  So I suppose I was trying to use this blog as a sounding board of sorts, which clearly did not pan out as expected. In retrospect I believe that's a good thing, because that approach does not work for me.

When I think about writing it is quite intimate. I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago and the existence of the blog came up, it was quite interesting because the person I was speaking with mentioned how difficult it must be to be so open. I thought about it and replied with how it really isn't, as I thought about it further I realize, although I have been blogging for a while as well as sharing myself on various social media outlets, much of what I share can be classified as vague.  I have committed to being honest which allows intimacy, as well as enough vulnerability that does not take me too far from my comfort zone(s), while being open enough to express the desired concept. However I began to question: does my perception actually translate in my writing?

This lead to another thought surrounding my birth date; I don't recall when it began, but I don't normally tell people my birth date unless there is a specific and/or necessary reason; and once I disclose the date I rarely mention it again.  I don't make a big deal about it to other people and I typically don't expect anything from anyone (words or gifts). Yet the people who manage to acknowledge it always make my heart smile; I believe it's because they are under no obligation to do so, which is exactly why I don't put pressure on anyone about it. I prefer organic celebration, which comes from a genuine space, usually from the heart. The part that confuses me (until now) were the people I thought would and didn't/ don't; mainly because those are the ones who tend to be most vocal about their "love" for me. As I overthought and overanalyzed the entire situation I was reminded of a couple other quotes that I've made a mental note of over the years, one from fellow-Capricorn, Eartha Kitt where she describes herself as well as the persona known to the public; she says, "Eartha Mae is very shy. She's scared to be seen, scared of rejection and even afraid of affection. Relationships can be rather uncomfortable for her. But, as Eartha Kitt, it's fine. I can accept and reject any time I want to. Do I ever reject? Not really. Although people think I do!". One of the things that resonates with me and that quote has a lot to do with perception, like Eartha, I am very shy, but I'd classify it as more of an observant, analytical personality trait.  I also prefer to be in the background, not out of fear of rejection, but more so being misunderstood.  So I tend to control the narrative as far as photo's, captions, blog entries, etc., where I am as transparent as possible to leave little to no room for misunderstanding, however some things are open to interpretation.  

Which touches on the other quote which states, “I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.” — Jean Rhys. The interesting thing about this statement is that I understand this feeling from my soul; I truly want to be loved, however outside of a basic love of humanity, I do not expect it from others, mainly because it does not come in the way that translates love to me. From my understanding of love and the theory I've decided upon, although you may love others, if you do not love them in a way that they understand it may not be felt as you are intending to give it. I don't think that means to stop loving a person, however I do believe that it is not as genuine or selfless if a person is only willing to express love the way they see fit. I'll try to explain; now that I think of it, it's not difficult to explain (see The Five Love Languages).  Once I began to learn as well as understand my love languages it made more sense to me why I felt as if some expressions I received felt meaningless.  Although I may come across as vague or guarded; I am extremely thoughtful as far as the energy, time and thinking I put into my words and actions. So I've come to disregard meaningless interactions, regardless of the person, activity or whatever, if it serves no real purpose then I'll choose not to participate.

So when I put it all together I found myself a bit relieved. As I felt a need to prepare for this year for quite some time I never knew why it felt so urgent. I finally concluded that I was beginning to re-evaluate and cultivate my habits which coincides with my goals so that I could be at a better advantage for them to be accomplished. So as I spent the holiday season alone I realized how much I have detached from the need for others to celebrate me in any way for any reason. Or should I say, from expecting it to come from any particular person, as William Shakespeare put it, "expectation is the root to all heartache"; I've heard that saying a very long time ago, but when it came to mind this time it all connected in a way that it never had before. Once the thoughts and feelings melted together with the remembrance of these quotes I began to see an area of growth that I've been working on for years.  As Nina Simone says "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”; which to me all goes together. The conclusion I've drawn is although many people in society will call themselves introverted, many are not deep down. A lot of people crave acceptance, inclusion, re-assurance, and the like. Notwithstanding as a defense mechanism they'll proclaim to be savage or how they don't "need anyone" yet under the facade they are actually hoping someone will see through it and rescue them from their solitude.  I feel as if some people have not taken the time to understand me therefore they attempt to express meaningless gestures which results in my need to isolate myself.  

Meaninglessness is the easiest way for me to grow cold in a sense. I truly believe that silence is better than bullshit, so if the interaction will not  improve the silence or solitude then there is no point in engaging.  Which lead to the thought of putting that philosophy towards the blog as well.  I even decided to make the other blog public as I may integrate some of my earlier expressions into new posts as a point of reference as well as a glimpse into thoughts that I may have outgrown or may still need to improve upon. I suppose in examining the beginning of everything I am able to discover why I may behave in some ways as well as where I must dig deeper to uncover aspects of myself that are no longer serving me.  One area of growth is I did not take the opportunity to change my phone number; although some days I think it may be for the best. However for the past (approximately) 6 months I have made an effort to declutter my contacts and distance myself from spaces that I feel as if I am being tolerated or not cared for in the way that I should be.  I believe it goes back to self-care and self-love; once a person truly recognizes the goodness and worthiness within accepting less than from others is no longer acceptable.  In the past I used to accept the idea of "good enough", even after witnessing someone treating a person in a manner they chose not to with me and I decided that was no longer tolerable. I strongly believe that people will treat you in a way that you've showed them is the standard, if you (speaking in general) give allowance for mistreatment that is what will become expected.  And the other thing is a bit cliche, but true nonetheless, when a person shows you who they are, believe them.  Simple as that, you can not change how people are, and it is not your responsibility or obligation (unless it is a part of your profession).  So if you've set standards for yourself and made it clear how you feel you are to be treated and those in your inner-circle refuse to accommodate those standards it is perfectly fine to walk away; choose not to interact with them or participate in one another's lives.  Because in the end most people will not change or it may take them a rather long time to recognize your needs; so why put yourself in a position where you are heartbroken or feel some type of way because you aren't being treated the way you'd like. Especially when the relationship with self sets the tone for all other relationships.

One thing that I have found underneath the therapy of self-care and self-love is that I no longer want or need to keep people around for the sake of someone being there. Mainly, because from my experience they are only there to the extent of their needs. Such as when you have a bad day they're unavailable, but when they need a shoulder to cry on you're the first one they call. Why is that acceptable? Since my diagnosis I have learned, many times the hard way; that it's not a matter of not needing anyone, it's more so the understanding that 1.) I do not need anyone at the expense of my self-respect or self-esteem. Meaning if I have to beg for time and attention, I don't want it. If I am not a priority until or unless I am needed for my help or resources; don't call me. Once I developed that attitude my emotional well being improved tremendously.  2.) I took some online advice.  I'm sure we've all seen the meme which says "stop hitting them up first and watch y'all never talk again"; when I tell you that is (very often) the truth! Some people are only in our live's because we put them there. If we are being caring, concerned, thoughtful and/or attentive to the needs and desires (when applicable) to our loved ones; whether family, friend(s) or significant other we are relatively aware if we haven't seen or heard from them in a while.  However the choice to not call, text, send a card/ email or knock on their door says that they are not a priority.  Of course we're all busy in some area of our lives, but if 9 times out of 10 communication is initiated mostly by one party leaving the other to respond; why continue? 3.) I made a conscious effort to detach from the insert common noun here; meaning, I give love, encouragement, etc., to people I have relationships with as well as anyone who crosses my path including my social media outlets; not expecting anything in return, but I leave myself open to the Universe to shower me with the same. The moment I took the expectation of "so-and-so should xyz because I always blah blah blah", I realized my error and understood how that approach to life, love, what have you will always leave you feeling used, unloved and/or heartbroken; but if you give of yourself because you truly want to then what you need will always come back to you, a lot of times from unlikely people and/or places, but always at the right time.  

Perhaps that's an answer to my issue with vulnerability and writing; I feel even in this post, by allowing the transparency and intimate expression of my thoughts to flow freely, I can begin to allow myself the freedom to be as vulnerable as each post requires of me.  Without the fear of being misunderstood or oversharing I will develop whatever it is I need from this expression; because in the end, "what you seek is seeking you" - Rumi

Blessings 💗✨

Don't Be Deceived...

As I've shared on my various social media platforms, I've been preparing for 2017 since (roughly) September or October of 2016.  Not in the sense of attempting to predict anything, but more so taking an introspective look into my beliefs, habits and practices.  I took a look at certain things I've been unhappy with/about and reassessed if at this time, or the near future there was anything I could do to course correct.  Although, much of which I will not share, there were some things that I knew I could improve upon.  Shortly after the Universe aligned to provide opportunities for me to begin those changes (should I choose to accept).  What I mean is, through prayer I talk to God; and during this time I share my deepest concerns, my hopes and dreams, as well as the vision I have in my head about my life and the lifestyle I envision for myself (short as well as long-term). Then throughout the day I meditate, I sit quietly, sometimes with music or reading and I allow the Spirit of God to minister to me.  I then hear where I can improve or where my vision may need tweaking.  Sometimes I'll stumble upon an article, website, tweet, instagram post or what have you and it will be right in alignment with an aspect of my prayer or message I received during meditation.  So I've begun implementing a few things and I have noticed quite a bit of change (mostly from within).

Many years ago I was introduced to the concept of affirmations and how you simply visualize the happier, wealthier, insert whatever here "you" and magically the "law of attraction" will create it into your life with little to no effort on your part.  So naively I adapted that practice into my life, picking up a few other philosophies along the way.  It wasn't until I began the master cleanse some years later that things took a turn.  Initially I completed the master cleanse for the 10- days and I will admit, not only did I lose some  unwanted weight (which was the only goal at the time) I also experienced an awakening of sorts.  I changed, I can't say exactly how, but it was noticeable; not only to me, but to others in my "circle".  A few months later I decided to do the cleanse again, this time for more enlightenment.  I completed 15-days and that's exactly what I received; unfortunately, I also began to experience unexpected antagonist.  It seemed as if they came out of "the wood work", which caught me completely off guard as I was "lost" in my "positive vibes only" view point.  I could not understand why somethings as well as some people were doing their damnest to annoy, frustrate, be cruel, etc., to me.  I was so crushed, because I did not understand how I was following the practices yet everything wasn't coming up roses for me.

Throughout the years since I started this journey I've revamped some of those practices and philosophies in a way that would be unique for me.  Where I apply the concept and incorporate what resonates with my beliefs, and if by chance it challenges my beliefs, I pray then meditate and figure out what or why I feel the way I do and from there I know if it's something that fits me or not. One thing I've ditched is the thought relating to the concept of only thinking and speaking positive things and that's ALL that you'll receive.  Don't be deceived... That is not how it works.  For a chosen few maybe; but I can not relate to that.  I do understand (from experience) the message behind the saying “new levels bring new devils" (Bishop T. D. Jakes).  When I first adapted some things into my being I actually had someone reply to an email I'd sent and literally said "I'm just testing to see if this is true" and continued to provoke a particular reaction throughout the correspondence.  To their surprise I did not react in a fashion they'd expected and thankfully since then I've had very limited interaction with them.  As I thought I'd passed my "test" I seemed to have gone into a season of calamity, just one thing after another; of course there was good mixed in, but the rough patch was/is overwhelming.  Yet I continued (and continue) to live each day in alignment with the dreams and goals I have for myself.  At times I will admit I get discouraged, but I've applied Self- Care and Self- Love as a huge priority for myself.

So back to recent days, as I've shared I decided to spend the holiday's alone; not to be antisocial, but to truly get my mind, heart and soul in pace for what I've been telling God and myself I want. One thing that I decided to do was to wish my loved ones a happy and prosperous New Year, unfortunately one of the numbers I texted was not updated and a lovely exchange turned ugly very quickly.  I handled the situation as best as I could and apologized to those who were affected by such negative energy.  However for whatever reason; perhaps Mercury Retrograde, Saturn's positioning, etc., that's how my week has been.  I am not sure where or why this energy is coming to me other than the quote above by Bishop Jakes.  Because if those meme's and such are true and a person ONLY thinks on positive things, conduct themselves in a  positive manner and encourage others to do the same, how or why would that type of person be presented with the exact opposite?  

Interestingly enough I posted yesterday, first on twitter then on instagram a thought that popped into my mind as I was asking myself a similar question.  "I have the simplest goals for 2017; strange how those are the type that attract the most obstacles..."  I thought that while on the verge of tears after a few interactions followed by some reflection on those goals.  I had to ask myself if I were being unreasonable and the answer was "No".  As I've stated I will not share the more personal things, but one of my simple goals for 2017 is to be happy.  I'll go into that backstory another time.  Nevertheless how unreasonable or unrealistic for that matter is to desire happiness? Yet once I said it aloud and wrote it down it seemed as if so many things were attracted to me in an attempt to bring the complete opposite emotions.  True, we can not allow outside influences to affect our perspective or well-being, but we are still human and things will get under our skin.  I guess I am writing this as an attempt to encourage those who may be new or in a peculiar place in their journey and it seems like "I'm doing everything right, but things are still going wrong".  Or maybe for someone who may have experienced this phase of life to offer some type of encouragement as well.  I don't feel as if I know enough to really expound, but what I will say is, from my experience although some times life is rather unpleasant when I look back on what I've gone through and where I am today I can admit that some of those things happened to show me who/what I was dealing with and make a change.  Other times I was able to see myself from a different perspective and adjust my words and/or behavior.  In the end it truly does work out for your best interest.  Yes it may hurt, you may be sad or even unhappy; but those things don't last always and the destination is still worth the journey it takes even with detours and roadblocks.  

A few hours after my declaration for happiness I prayed and before I began to meditate and drift off to sleep I thought "I have a feeling, my next life will be the best one yet".

So I am encouraging myself and hopefully someone who can relate; although things may not go the way we may wish them to be with nothing but blue skies and rainbows, the rain is necessary and beneficial. Sometimes it just takes a bit more time, effort or energy to appreciate it.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨