A Beautiful Disaster

As I've shared vaguely throughout the years the "holiday season" is not my favorite time of year. So I've learned to use those times as introspection in order to focus on an area I'd want to improve upon concerning issue(s) associated with my thoughts and/or feelings. With the intention of healing or at the very least acknowledging the hurt associated with the potential or actual triggers. Last year however was more difficult; I believe as the election approached and the final choices were established my anxiety went haywire. The truth is, for some odd reason I seem to experience some of the worst things of my life in the last part of the year; for example, November 2005, a car accident that quite honestly should have killed me (click the above link for original [edited] post and / or see photos below*). Also in November, the birth date of my best friend; I've never reassigned his standing in my life as the impression he left me with is quite irreplaceable; I've written about him before on the other blog; however since re-publishing it that particular post was one of those chosen to revert to draft, as it is quite personal and I realize it was too intimate to share with the public at this time.  Each year on or around his birth date I find myself reminiscing which since the onset of the conditions can result in nostalgia or a great depression. The worst part of that is I never know which it will be until it happens. Nevertheless, I learned so much from our friendship, he was my first real love; the blueprint to the love I envision still to this day. I won't go into detail, but in January 2002 he chose to commit suicide. I apologize if that is triggering for anyone, unfortunately there is no other way to explain it. As you can imagine even sharing this now has made me a bit emotional. If you can imagine that type of love and the reality of the outcome I believe you can figure my reluctance towards a few things in the realm of vulnerability. Then there was the initial anxiety attack in September 2012 which morphed into anxiety disorder and other mental illnesses.  So typically from September until January I am rather fragile, not that I advertise it; actually I'm sure if I didn't mention it no one would  know.

Now with all of that the disbelief of the possible outcome of this election had me on edge, with one candidate it would be status quo, neither better or worse for a person in my position (a Black woman with disabilities / mental illness, etc.) yet with the other, a "person" who seems to want to set the world on fire (and not in a fun loving, romanticized fashion) we all see the outcome of that; and it's only been a little more than a week. For the first few days I did not leave my house for fear of the atmosphere and news of various attacks. With everything in mind I took an extremely proactive approach towards self-care to ensure I did not become manic.  Which is when I began to look deeper into myself and actually begin some Soul work and according to my Vedic horoscope I have some kind of repressed desire; I began to meditate and pray on the discovery to no avail.  So I decided to gift myself various books on my wishlist in the hopes of my higher self directing me to the hidden gems referenced through the Universe.  

Since the beginning of the year I have made a conscious effort to have scheduled Sacred Time each morning (4-6 am); up until then I simply dedicated whenever I awoke in the day, before break fast.  However since I've incorporated having the time scheduled I've noticed a difference in my spiritual life.  I decided to make this change after beginning the book Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit.  Shortly after I started it, Queen Afua posted on Instagram about a call she was conducting which happened to align with the day I was having and I decided to join.  During the call she discussed the importance of Sacred Time and why it should be done during this time, so I started the following day.  Initially it was a bit difficult due to my battles with insomnia and the fact that my sleep pattern already leaves much to be desired (to say the least).  As I got deeper into the book some other issues and patterns resurfaced which reminded me of another book I'd intended to purchase; Trust by Iyanla Vanzant.  I will admit, I had been avoiding this book for some time as I felt I was not ready to be as vulnerable as it would require.  However, with the soul work I had begun there was no choice; I did not want to deal with any adverse "consequences" associated with rebelling against the needs of my soul.  As the scripture says, "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (I Samuel 15:22b, NIV).  I am glad that I followed the direction of my soul as it lead me to a few interesting revelations in terms of my personality, emotional "wounds" and patterns.  Some of which I was already aware and /or familiar with and others that came as a bit of a surprise, nevertheless, I feel as if I am on the road to discovering my purpose.  

I say that because considering all that I have been through in my life and the recent events which lead to my current conditions along with my knowledge and relationship with The Most High, God; I can not understand this life being as it has been without a purpose somewhere along the way.  As it states in Romans 8: 28, KJV; "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose". I believe I've shared before of the desire I have to write a book, perhaps a novel.  Without going into much detail I would like to write about my life pre-conditions and the adjustments needed to maintain health and sanity with mental illness.  In addition to the information I share about myself on various social media outlets, I find it therapeutic to contribute within the conversations of encouragement, mental health awareness and as of late advocating on behalf of social injustice.  I also find myself to be hypersensitive concerning the narrative I see associated with the continued stigma and narrow-mindedness surrounding mental health and "acceptable" treatment.  On occasion I'll see view points which shadow my own, but on average I find it to be limiting, discouraging and / or shaming; which is also triggering.  I believe I wrote in the past that rather than waiting to find someone to speak in terms that I relate to I should be that voice, even if it's only for myself.  

I think that has been the most difficult to understand; the knowledge of my spiritual life flourishing while through the course of time my mental, emotional and physical health has declined.  Although I know the depth of my faith, the difficultly in accepting limitations that are unfamiliar to me and the life I once lived. I won't go into detail, but what I will share is the feeling as I would imagine when the Titanic crashed into the iceberg; or perhaps an iceberg in general. Understanding the surface is so minute in comparison to what lies beneath. Maybe this will be my life's work, to understand my own brain and how it has changed. Which is another concept I began to explore, for my whole life (prior to the development of mental health issues) I thought your brain is what it is; of course everyone continues to have the ability to learn, but the idea that your brain can change completely and some things you found to be effortless can become extremely challenging due to some event such as an anxiety attack or other developments.  I witnessed an exchange on twitter the other day which lead me to search online for personality test(s); I shared the web address in Instagram because I found it gave me so much insight because of how accurate it was.  This then lead me to Self-Therapy Journey and I thought to share, not only because of the information I received, but because I realize although mental health awareness have become common buzz-words I don't think it is taken seriously by the masses in the way that it should be.  Typically we see dysfunctional behavior and it becomes a meme or a joke and we (speaking in general) circulate it until it's not longer funny or there's another to replace it; however as someone who battles mental health issues I find some things more of a "cry for help" as opposed to humorous.  

I guess if I can take all of my experiences, lessons, blessings, etc. and shed light on an otherwise overlooked aspect of life or lend my "voice" for otherwise unheard communities in which I can relate then what greater purpose is there for me? The good thing about that is, if there is a higher purpose, in time it will be revealed and in the meantime I can do what has become a saving grace for myself (for various reasons) and if by chance someone feels encouraged or heard or what have you; then I know I have made a positive contribution to this place we reside called Earth.  

Blessings & Happy New Moon in Aquarius 🌑♒️💗✨

*November 5, 2005