The Beginning of Everything

"To write is to give your heart away to everyone."  ~ Unknown

I've sat with my laptop in front of me and attempted to type my heart out, only to become overwhelmed; leaving at least 3 drafts to be completed. Initially I thought I was a bit too vague, then I overshared and finally there was a post which was quite scattered. I then decided to take a step back and allow all of my thoughts and feelings to settle for understanding.  It wasn't until today when it dawned on me: I have not been in the space for vulnerability to flow properly. I say that because, vulnerability has always been a touchy topic for me, the concept has evolved throughout the years, however it's still extremely personal and uncomfortable for me to share.

I suppose that's where the above quote comes into the picture, I realized many Moons ago that writing requires a particular honesty that comes from being vulnerable with your thoughts. To open yourself in a way that allows the person reading to step into your shoes, see the world through your eyes and experience what's being shared from another perspective; at least that is what I hope happens when someone understands my words.  The trouble is I struggle with the actuality of that. Typically when I write it is to share a thought or express my feelings in the moment, lately, I've wanted to process some of my thoughts aloud since my circumstances have taken a turn and I find myself alone a lot more than before.  So I suppose I was trying to use this blog as a sounding board of sorts, which clearly did not pan out as expected. In retrospect I believe that's a good thing, because that approach does not work for me.

When I think about writing it is quite intimate. I had a conversation with someone a couple of days ago and the existence of the blog came up, it was quite interesting because the person I was speaking with mentioned how difficult it must be to be so open. I thought about it and replied with how it really isn't, as I thought about it further I realize, although I have been blogging for a while as well as sharing myself on various social media outlets, much of what I share can be classified as vague.  I have committed to being honest which allows intimacy, as well as enough vulnerability that does not take me too far from my comfort zone(s), while being open enough to express the desired concept. However I began to question: does my perception actually translate in my writing?

This lead to another thought surrounding my birth date; I don't recall when it began, but I don't normally tell people my birth date unless there is a specific and/or necessary reason; and once I disclose the date I rarely mention it again.  I don't make a big deal about it to other people and I typically don't expect anything from anyone (words or gifts). Yet the people who manage to acknowledge it always make my heart smile; I believe it's because they are under no obligation to do so, which is exactly why I don't put pressure on anyone about it. I prefer organic celebration, which comes from a genuine space, usually from the heart. The part that confuses me (until now) were the people I thought would and didn't/ don't; mainly because those are the ones who tend to be most vocal about their "love" for me. As I overthought and overanalyzed the entire situation I was reminded of a couple other quotes that I've made a mental note of over the years, one from fellow-Capricorn, Eartha Kitt where she describes herself as well as the persona known to the public; she says, "Eartha Mae is very shy. She's scared to be seen, scared of rejection and even afraid of affection. Relationships can be rather uncomfortable for her. But, as Eartha Kitt, it's fine. I can accept and reject any time I want to. Do I ever reject? Not really. Although people think I do!". One of the things that resonates with me and that quote has a lot to do with perception, like Eartha, I am very shy, but I'd classify it as more of an observant, analytical personality trait.  I also prefer to be in the background, not out of fear of rejection, but more so being misunderstood.  So I tend to control the narrative as far as photo's, captions, blog entries, etc., where I am as transparent as possible to leave little to no room for misunderstanding, however some things are open to interpretation.  

Which touches on the other quote which states, “I had two longings and one was fighting the other. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be always alone.” — Jean Rhys. The interesting thing about this statement is that I understand this feeling from my soul; I truly want to be loved, however outside of a basic love of humanity, I do not expect it from others, mainly because it does not come in the way that translates love to me. From my understanding of love and the theory I've decided upon, although you may love others, if you do not love them in a way that they understand it may not be felt as you are intending to give it. I don't think that means to stop loving a person, however I do believe that it is not as genuine or selfless if a person is only willing to express love the way they see fit. I'll try to explain; now that I think of it, it's not difficult to explain (see The Five Love Languages).  Once I began to learn as well as understand my love languages it made more sense to me why I felt as if some expressions I received felt meaningless.  Although I may come across as vague or guarded; I am extremely thoughtful as far as the energy, time and thinking I put into my words and actions. So I've come to disregard meaningless interactions, regardless of the person, activity or whatever, if it serves no real purpose then I'll choose not to participate.

So when I put it all together I found myself a bit relieved. As I felt a need to prepare for this year for quite some time I never knew why it felt so urgent. I finally concluded that I was beginning to re-evaluate and cultivate my habits which coincides with my goals so that I could be at a better advantage for them to be accomplished. So as I spent the holiday season alone I realized how much I have detached from the need for others to celebrate me in any way for any reason. Or should I say, from expecting it to come from any particular person, as William Shakespeare put it, "expectation is the root to all heartache"; I've heard that saying a very long time ago, but when it came to mind this time it all connected in a way that it never had before. Once the thoughts and feelings melted together with the remembrance of these quotes I began to see an area of growth that I've been working on for years.  As Nina Simone says "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”; which to me all goes together. The conclusion I've drawn is although many people in society will call themselves introverted, many are not deep down. A lot of people crave acceptance, inclusion, re-assurance, and the like. Notwithstanding as a defense mechanism they'll proclaim to be savage or how they don't "need anyone" yet under the facade they are actually hoping someone will see through it and rescue them from their solitude.  I feel as if some people have not taken the time to understand me therefore they attempt to express meaningless gestures which results in my need to isolate myself.  

Meaninglessness is the easiest way for me to grow cold in a sense. I truly believe that silence is better than bullshit, so if the interaction will not  improve the silence or solitude then there is no point in engaging.  Which lead to the thought of putting that philosophy towards the blog as well.  I even decided to make the other blog public as I may integrate some of my earlier expressions into new posts as a point of reference as well as a glimpse into thoughts that I may have outgrown or may still need to improve upon. I suppose in examining the beginning of everything I am able to discover why I may behave in some ways as well as where I must dig deeper to uncover aspects of myself that are no longer serving me.  One area of growth is I did not take the opportunity to change my phone number; although some days I think it may be for the best. However for the past (approximately) 6 months I have made an effort to declutter my contacts and distance myself from spaces that I feel as if I am being tolerated or not cared for in the way that I should be.  I believe it goes back to self-care and self-love; once a person truly recognizes the goodness and worthiness within accepting less than from others is no longer acceptable.  In the past I used to accept the idea of "good enough", even after witnessing someone treating a person in a manner they chose not to with me and I decided that was no longer tolerable. I strongly believe that people will treat you in a way that you've showed them is the standard, if you (speaking in general) give allowance for mistreatment that is what will become expected.  And the other thing is a bit cliche, but true nonetheless, when a person shows you who they are, believe them.  Simple as that, you can not change how people are, and it is not your responsibility or obligation (unless it is a part of your profession).  So if you've set standards for yourself and made it clear how you feel you are to be treated and those in your inner-circle refuse to accommodate those standards it is perfectly fine to walk away; choose not to interact with them or participate in one another's lives.  Because in the end most people will not change or it may take them a rather long time to recognize your needs; so why put yourself in a position where you are heartbroken or feel some type of way because you aren't being treated the way you'd like. Especially when the relationship with self sets the tone for all other relationships.

One thing that I have found underneath the therapy of self-care and self-love is that I no longer want or need to keep people around for the sake of someone being there. Mainly, because from my experience they are only there to the extent of their needs. Such as when you have a bad day they're unavailable, but when they need a shoulder to cry on you're the first one they call. Why is that acceptable? Since my diagnosis I have learned, many times the hard way; that it's not a matter of not needing anyone, it's more so the understanding that 1.) I do not need anyone at the expense of my self-respect or self-esteem. Meaning if I have to beg for time and attention, I don't want it. If I am not a priority until or unless I am needed for my help or resources; don't call me. Once I developed that attitude my emotional well being improved tremendously.  2.) I took some online advice.  I'm sure we've all seen the meme which says "stop hitting them up first and watch y'all never talk again"; when I tell you that is (very often) the truth! Some people are only in our live's because we put them there. If we are being caring, concerned, thoughtful and/or attentive to the needs and desires (when applicable) to our loved ones; whether family, friend(s) or significant other we are relatively aware if we haven't seen or heard from them in a while.  However the choice to not call, text, send a card/ email or knock on their door says that they are not a priority.  Of course we're all busy in some area of our lives, but if 9 times out of 10 communication is initiated mostly by one party leaving the other to respond; why continue? 3.) I made a conscious effort to detach from the insert common noun here; meaning, I give love, encouragement, etc., to people I have relationships with as well as anyone who crosses my path including my social media outlets; not expecting anything in return, but I leave myself open to the Universe to shower me with the same. The moment I took the expectation of "so-and-so should xyz because I always blah blah blah", I realized my error and understood how that approach to life, love, what have you will always leave you feeling used, unloved and/or heartbroken; but if you give of yourself because you truly want to then what you need will always come back to you, a lot of times from unlikely people and/or places, but always at the right time.  

Perhaps that's an answer to my issue with vulnerability and writing; I feel even in this post, by allowing the transparency and intimate expression of my thoughts to flow freely, I can begin to allow myself the freedom to be as vulnerable as each post requires of me.  Without the fear of being misunderstood or oversharing I will develop whatever it is I need from this expression; because in the end, "what you seek is seeking you" - Rumi

Blessings 💗✨