This Brokenhearted Girl

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bare their bickerings"

E. Y. Harburg

After acknowledging the condition of my heart as well as my mind, in addition to the current climate of today's society; I found myself feeling extremely melancholy and somewhat depleted.  At one point I began to reflect on who I once was and how that girl would handle these emotions.  So yesterday I wanted to change my cellphone number, shut down my Facebook account and "disappear" from almost all of the people I know in real life. I felt so many emotions ranging from one extreme to another. While all of this is going on under the surface my outward demeanor would suggest that I am "calm, cool and collected" (typical Capricorn); which couldn't be farther from my reality. I made sure to monitor my mental and emotional health in hopes to avoid anxiety attacks, mainly because experience with these issues has taught me that an anxiety attack in my current state could very well escalate into a manic stage and all options from there are ones that I do my damnedest to avoid. As I've shared in previous expressions on this blog as well as my old one, when I feel this way I try to redirect some of my energy to other things or people who either come to mind or cross my path. At some point after expressing prayers and support for the missing children in Washington D.C., I extended my prayers to all those who are missing or displaced. Followed by meditation; where I was blindsided by feelings, memories and thoughts surrounding my own life, some of which are so far removed I have difficulty interpreting if the memories are of actual events, distorted dreams or completely made up delusions. I'm sure that may not make much sense, and probably to your surprise I am going to explain (somewhat).

Lately, I have had bouts of anger, resentment, regret in addition to the ever-present feelings of anxiety and depression. When I recognize that I am feeling this way I make a conscious effort to focus on my breathing and meditate, the past few times after doing this I feel as if I was transported to memories of my childhood when I'd be sad or upset and I'd go into my Grandmothers' bedroom and rest my head on her leg as she'd lay watching television. In those times I never had to overshare or over explain why I'd done this, often she wouldn't even say anything, she'd just run her fingers through my hair or tell me a story/parable and before I knew it I felt better; sometimes I'd shed a tear or two; or  just lay in silence watching whatever she had on. Occasionally I find myself grieving her passing as if it was recent, I try not to allow my thoughts to take me down that lane of memories because the length of time from when I expressed my "good bye" was much earlier than when she actually passed. I won't go into detail, but somehow I knew my last visit with her would be just that; I also accepted the reasons why it would be the last which allowed me to be at peace. I don't go to funerals; I've gone to approximately 3 in this lifetime and after the last one I said I would not attend another, with the exception of my own and a few other people should they pass on before me. So I did not visit her during her last days or attend her funeral, nor did I explain to anyone why. Then approximately 6 months later my Grandfather passed. I, again, grieved in my own way, but did not attend his funeral. However, in recent months I have felt them during my times of despair; I recall their words of wisdom and find comfort.

Occasionally I'll have an overwhelming desire to connect with family; as if that is the key to the void I feel. Typically I remain disconnected, mainly because the family members I have relationships with aren't responsible for nor contributed to the void I feel and the ones who are responsible will never admit to or reconcile so I've buried and made peace with the reality that we don't exist in one another's dimensions. Unfortunately, on a subconscious level various people, memories, etc., have begun haunting me via my dreams. One day after being bombarded by insomnia I decided to heavily medicate in order to induce sleep which had become much needed. I had several "nightmares" that day; prior to awaking I wrote the most fascinating blog entry which was forgotten as my eyes opened. That happens more often than I care to share; yet this time (which has also been known to happen) I was reminded of previous expressions I'd shared on my other blog The World Outside My Window. After revisiting those words I recognized how much of them I still wrestled with even after all of this time. When I shared I guess it's time to get this out and Sometimes I Feel... I was dealing with fertility concerns along with a sporadic case of "baby fever" so the desire to connect with my Mother; or reconnect with my Aunt and Grandmother felt imperative. It was as if I needed them in order to fill some deficiency I was unaware of or unfamiliar with. Since writing and sharing these words in 2012 I was betrayed in ways I feel are unforgivable; nevertheless, these "mother issues" are exposed and not only am I unsure how to heal these wounds I am determined to do so without communication with the women who created them. 

That's something you don't hear about, we all have become aware of "daddy issues" even if we aren't completely sure what they are, we know someone who identifies or fit the description, but what are "mommy issues"? Aside from the term "momma's boy" I can't think of any other reference to the concept. Over the years I have attempted to research, but have yet to discover anything that sheds light on what I feel at the time; so it gets buried again until times like now. I have some theories regarding "the way I am" and how some of my personality traits and overprotective boundaries may stem from feeling/being abandoned by my mother, but other than that how does it all effect a person's psychological make up?  I believe I touched on it when I shared Daddy's Little Girl, the contrast of a loving, attentive father and a woman who carried me during pregnancy and gave birth. After the battle of my thoughts, feelings and memories I asked myself "am I being too hard on her?" then I began to search for memories of something she taught me or ways she made a positive impact in my life- the person I have been, who I am now and/or the woman I am striving to become; and I came up empty. Since that conversation with myself I have been searching for the root of the question"why is all of this coming up now?" which reminded me of the words in How Did I Get Here. It's amazing how God works; how the Universe comes together in synchronicity to uncover and/or assist in answering questions; revealing truths or what have you. Although I am still unsure why these exact feelings have begun to bubble up for me, I am aware that I have been meditating on my purpose as well as studying my natal chart; not only as a way of self-discovery, but I suppose also as reassurance to the path I feel as if I am on regarding my spiritual journey. 

So back to yesterday, after deciding to keep my current cellphone number and Facebook account in tact I scrolled around on Twitter and found myself "eavesdropping" on a conversation that appeared on my timeline discussing "shadow work" and "dark room meditation"; I then made a mental note to research the two when I was reminded of someone I know through divine order. Around the last quarter of 2016 as I shared I had this overwhelming urge to prepare for 2017, in the midst of this chaos I felt completely alone, so I prayed. I rarely pray to God to "send" things or people to me; but this particular time I did, not long after that prayer was said and forgotten I received a message on Instagram from someone I'd met through Twitter, but had not seen online for quite some time. Long story short, we both prayed almost identical prayers at approximately the same time frame and were connected. It's uncanny how we share some of the same experiences, insights, etc., so when she mentioned "inner child work"; which has always been an area of self-therapy that I avoided, I knew she wasn't saying it by happenstance, nevertheless I resisted initially. Not long after that conversation I apologized because I knew she not only meant well, but she was/is a vessel (as I have been/am to her). So I decided I would take "baby steps" into my inner child work and heal the damage that I knew of; which honestly wasn't the issue, it is the damage I am unaware of that is chilling in my subconscious that I have been afraid of. 

Once I recognized the emotions I took a moment to meditate and allowed the tears to fall, then I slept. My dreams were all over the place and many were unpleasant, but not long after I awoke I received a message on Twitter from someone who had viewed my profile and brought up an area of interest that I had only shared with one other person (my spiritual sister mentioned above); this particular area of interest came to mind around the time I had been on leave from work for a few months and was experiencing quite a few transitions. Due to the circumstances my mental state was compromised so I was unsure if it was something that I should seriously entertain or if it was a spiritual enlightenment or awakening type situation in terms of my purpose. To my surprise I did not expect this chain of events especially after the conversation with my friend just last week, along with various postings regarding the growing pains of spiritual awakening(s) and maintenance. Although I am unsure how it will all play out I am confident in knowing that "all things work together for the good of them who love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) as well as the scripture which says "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

This space of being with the complexities of mental and emotional health along with spiritual growth,  societal issues together with the changes of life can be extremely overwhelming; but I am learning to unplug, allow the feelings and emotions to run their course, chat with loved ones and allow God to move in my life to direct my path. It is not easy, by far; as I shared in Don't Be Deceived... nevertheless, I am encouraging myself (along with anyone who feels encouraged and/or can relate) some days are better than others, but I truly believe when it's all said and done, regardless of your "religious" or spiritual beliefs, in the end we will fulfill the plans God has for us as the scriptures say which will prosper us and bring out our very best in ways to contribute to our home here on Earth; not only for ourselves, but for one another as well as the generations to come.

Be Well & Happy New Moon 🌑💗✨; I pray God speaks to the situations and circumstances of our lives and heals the broken spaces, enlighten and awaken the purposes within us and strengthens the spirit of justice, harmony, equality, wisdom and Love throughout the atmosphere.

Blessings,

Kamille

Sometimes You Break My Heart

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

 William Shakespeare

I can not recall when it began or when I realized it had begun, but my heart aches. For whatever reason I was oblivious to being in this condition until I was “smack dab” in the middle of it. I’d acknowledged at some point there had been a heart break yet I figured since I was aware of it there would be no need for it to affect me emotionally. I thought since I know my heart was (or perhaps still is) broken I should not experience the feelings associated with being brokenhearted. Or so I thought…

As I attempted to discover the source of the developing feelings, I found myself thrown off balance when I came to realize what I thought was the cause of this particular heart ache was only the tip of the iceberg; so to speak. I have been reliving the past five years in my mind and how I have endured almost every type of heartbreak you could imagine. From “losing” friends, fall-outs with family members, in addition to various personal challenges as well as those more intimate. Through it all I had come to rely on someone and was encouraged to trust them with a certain space of my heart. At one point during the experiences following trauma and diagnoses I felt as if this person was the one helping me hold it all together. I placed them in a part of my heart which held the “old me” in place in the midst of chaos, or the “me” that is emerging from within the chaos. And when I was told “I got you” as vague and misleading as those words have been known to be, I believed them. I believed that the fantasy of what I wanted and felt was needed at the time was being brought to life; while overlooking the scrutiny of knowing the lies I chose to feed myself. 

All this time I convinced myself the end of this “relationship” was why I felt aches in my heart. I believed the absence of this person from my life was revealing the impact of our connection. Then I became upset; remembering a quote (shown below) which took the light off of myself and pointed at someone else for causing me to feel as I was. The quote says:

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.”

Bob Marley

I felt as if he had betrayed me in a way I for one, never saw coming and secondly never expected from him. Prior to the traumatic series of events we had known one another for nearly a decade. As friends in addition to “off and on” intimately. During that time I believed that what we had was unique although I knew on some level I wanted more romantically, I just never expected it from him. I don’t want to diminish what we shared as a “seat filler”, because in it’s own way it was special. Nevertheless, I felt as if we’d continue with things the way they had been until I met someone who was everything I wanted, needed and desired. Until I was told things which persuaded me to become vulnerable, in ways I believe a person not truly intending to love wholly deserves. In my fragile state of being words were spoken that made me think the situation had morphed into more and eventually it became apparent this scenario was not meant to last as hoped. I am not sure why things didn’t pan out on his end and I choose not to speculate, but for me, I am still figuring it out which is partly why I decided to share. 

This past week after assigning blame to him for misleading me, a thought quickly came to mind as I felt as if I was “missing” him; as I have felt over the past few months. Usually when I’ve had a decision to make and I think, “who is the person I’d like to discuss this with?” or when I’ve had news I’d think “if we were still speaking I could share this with him” emotionally I’d then feel a sense of “loss” all over again. Similar to the days following my decision to leave this situation many months ago. As I allowed those thoughts to linger I was reminded of actual occurrences when I’d shared news or needed to make a decision and was told “you’ll figure it out; you always do”; which was followed by memories of tension, misunderstandings or neglect. I remembered the countless times I needed time, attention and such and was brushed off because I had always been a “strong woman” who didn’t need those things from him; according to him. My anger then turned towards someone else; actually a few things. I became angry with my upbringing (I’ll share more in regards to that in another post), soon after I was angry with myself.

For a change I was not upset with myself for allowing myself to love him, or even with him for awakening a love I’d never expected to show to him and honestly forgot existed. I was upset with myself for knowing I was being “sold a bill of goods” and being willing to travel the dead end road. I had lost so much since developing mental illnesses the idea that he and I could have something more than what we’d always had made me want to believe I would not lose him too. I wanted to believe that although he was who I desired physically, he had not shown himself to be “the one” I needed; emotionally or spiritually. I have not sorted out all of my thoughts or feelings concerning him, but I am in a space where I can accept my part in this particular situation, not necessarily in specific detail, but more so the theory of seeing incompatibility and disregarding it resulting in an attachment that is no longer available.

On the bright side one thing that I have learned through (over) analyzing this ordeal was something I’ve read many moons ago, yet didn't completely understand the way I do now. Often when I am extremely depressed or feeling overwhelmed and anxious I’ll open the Bible app and set it to the audio book version; I typically begin with Psalms with the intention of listening to the scriptures throughout Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs or Song of Solomon. These have always been my favorite “books”, especially Ecclesiastes, but on occasion I’ll listen to Song of Solomon and long for that type of love. Until recently I never thought I desired romantic love, I think I buried it with my best friend. Only to discover a different love years later, a relationship I rarely think about or mention. I allowed myself to fall madly in love with someone and circumstances along with various obstacles often interfered with our relationship resulting in me leaving the situation. As I committed to myself I would never allow myself to feel those things for another person again I believe I forgot the awesomeness of being loved and loving someone to that magnitude. Just to find myself not necessarily in a similar narrative but the words expressed at that time and space tapped into a spot in my heart that had been neglected or better yet abandoned since my late teens, early 20s (but that’s a story for another time). Over the past few hours I have concluded that I can no longer abandon any part of love, there is only heartache attached to picking and choosing which types of love to embrace and which to discard. I believe I will share more on that at another time. Sadly I can not determine how much longer my heart will remain broken however I respect the process of healing, and more importantly I have learned something that should have been taught to me as a young girl.

I’ve often considered writing an alternative blog with the concept of writing all of the things I would teach my younger self if it were possible. Or if I could share various lessons learned with the intention of sparing others the heartache and heartbreak learned over the course of my life (thus far). I think one of the main ones would be not only to guard your heart, but to protect it in a way where no one can persuade you from what you know to be true. If you know a person, job, decision, etc. will lead to an undesired outcome and there’s no logical reason to do it other than to “allow things to run it’s course”, that to me is a recipe for disaster. Because in the long run things will turn out as you knew they would; or perhaps worse than expected leaving you to heal wounds that could have been avoided. As I encourage myself, I would like to encourage others: 

“Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.”

Song of Solomon, 8:4 Holman Christian Standard Bible

I take from that scripture what I shared above, with the understanding that love can be a beautiful thing, when it is appropriate. Society forces us from an extremely young age to be obsessed with relationships, marriage, “twin flames”, “soul mates” and such; yet there is little to no counseling on when someone is truly ready to give or receive those ideas and responsibilities. It is far too easy to say “I love you”, but the substance of those words and the intention of truly loving someone with all of their baggage, wounds accumulated throughout their life, various conditions as well as current circumstances may be far more than bargained for when simply stated “I got you” or “I’ll be here for you” especially when life often takes us in unexpected directions and someone is depending on your love, care, support or whatever to help them through the bricks life throws at us at times. I believe this particular heartbreak is different from any other experienced throughout my life. I say that because this one has allowed a light to shine not only into how I feel currently, but how I have allowed myself to bandage the wounds of past relationships without proper reflection, care and understanding which prevented my heart from healing fully to begin with. The barriers I built around the concept of love in order to prevent the pain I felt when someone I loved died suddenly or challenges arose which caused me to question a persons trustworthiness and character. I never truly allowed myself to get to know someone or let them know me in a way that would honestly build a foundation for a long-lasting, transparent relationship to grow. Even with honesty and vulnerability we can still keep people out of our most fragile spaces within our being which only says “you’re not ready” or “it’s not the appropriate time”. I believe where I went wrong in my most recent situation was I thought I could overlook the areas where we had not built a foundation of transparency along with areas where I had inserted him in a space designed by others before him. I was attempting to make him fit the void of loves I’d experienced and lost while desperately trying not to lose him too. The thing is, he did not belong where I wanted him to be and I hadn't taken the time to see or let him show where he did belong. In addition to whatever issues he found in me there was no way for this to end without heart ache, but the lesson learned has been worth the pain; because I now recognize the error(s) and I refuse to knowingly endure this type of ordeal again. I have made a promise to myself, I will no longer break my own heart with stubbornness, romanticized delusions or unwillingness to be vulnerable outside of my comfort zone.

I pray the lessons learned will suffice and going forward I will allow myself to heal fully and properly, admitting I would like to be in love and love someone completely; but only when I am ready when the appropriate time comes.

Happy March 🍀💚✨

As I was preparing for the month of March and navigating through the chaos that is my life, I sought out to find a "flowery" photo to highlight the approach of Spring (pictured to the left) in alignment with all of it’s refreshing "new beginning" energy; however seeing the photo I posted on my Instagram account sparked a thought, or more so a challenge to myself and I decided to share. As I am attempting to find balance, healing, understanding and so on I want to make sure that I am also growing- mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as intellectually. Remembering my life before the anxiety attack and subsequent diagnosis of anxiety disorder I have always been a “nerd”. I enjoy learning and researching the origin of things I find interesting. However after developing the various disorders and conditions I have had a few occurrences where i was not in my “right state of mind”; but thats a story for another day. Nevertheless, since the last experience I make a point to keep my mind active. One of my coping mechanisms has become to use my OCD to my advantage when possible. A technique I learned in therapy, however now I find myself being overwhelmed quite often, even with what someone who does not experience issues with anxiety or depression would classify as a “simple task”. A while ago I noticed the increase of anxiety attacks started happening at the beginning of the month; noticeably more often than other times of the month. So I began to organize my calendar to the fullest detail. In order to take the focus off of appointments, bills and the usual birthdays; I decided to add various astrological occurrences, fun and/or obscure holidays and other cute or funny tidbits that made it less dreadful to turn the page of my calendar.

In February 2017, I decided to share on social media various “holidays” as well as observe Black History Month. As the days went by I will say that February was tough! I did my best to keep things to myself with the exception of mentioning that something was going on without any real details (for privacy). I found that although I am unhappy with some aspects of my life focusing on others, celebrating their “wins” helped me see a few subtle ones of my own as well as shifted my focus from my “problems” to sources of encouragement, strength, love, comfort and support. This past week as I thought I was beginning to brainstorm an expression for the blog I found myself engulfed in several videos of sermons on You Tube, in nothing short of a miracle; each touched on areas which was/is causing my unhappiness, anxiety, depression, etc. As if God was/is speaking directly to me. I’ve had these types of experiences before, one in particular coincides with the situation expressed in my last post “The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity”, during the time I was struggling to accept the changes my life had turned; I recall I had been on leave for a few months and it was clear that I was still unable to return to work. This was one of the most difficult spaces I had been in as it was completely new, I had never gone through anything of this magnitude in my entire life. During a period of time I’d consecrated myself in my room and slept; as if I could sleep my life away. While I was awake I prayed, cried and meditated then force myself to return to my dreams. I felt as if life was better there, because in my dreams I didn’t suffer from any disorders or conditions. After nearly a week of this I had a thought of a topic to search on You Tube, as soon as I did all of the “perfect” messages began to come through as if they were “just for me”. Well, that’s how I spent the past few days, with the exception of insomnia so there was no luxury of sleeping the pain away. After studying about five sermons and numerous scriptures I started on my calendar for March (which I was “supposed” to begin at least a week ago).

So back to my photo search, unexpectedly I also found a few "journal prompt" lists that I think may be a fun way of sharing on here; in addition to social media. I think it may help decrease (some of) the pressure to post. Sometimes due to anxiety disorder and it’s strange battle with my Soul I experience increased anxiety fueled thoughts and emotions surrounding how often I post along with sorting through an abundance of thoughts of what I could write while I’m trying to figure out my own brain. It’s confusing and I with all I am attempting to understand things now each discovery seems to mock how much there is to know regarding mental health. It is overwhelming! So I often shut everything down and find ways to remind myself of the objective of it all. I found myself using social media as well as blogging as a form of self therapy as I find myself without a therapist (or many true friends; near me in addition to outside of social media). The reason I chose to allow the blog to be public rather than keep my thoughts and writings to myself is (hopefully) to shine a light of awareness onto the topic (mental illness), especially  with the youth, young adults and my peers; along with the stigma throughout the Black Community. Combining aspects of encouragement, support and a safe space for anyone who can relate to the things I share (which is why I prefer organic follows, followers, likes, etc.). After sharing some of these words on my Instagram account (referenced above) I decided to share all at once, most of the fun, enlightening, supportive “holidays” in the coming month as well as other useful information as opposed to how it kind of happened in the spur of the moment throughout February. Once I realized we are beginning to  round out the first quarter of 2017 my prayer is to focus more intently to my goals, dreams, mental health, emotional health, physical health, and healing while finding more ways to experience happiness, laughter and relaxation. With that said, I hope you all join me in finding ways to improve our lives, environments and ultimately the energy of the world.

As Above, So Below 💗✨

view March 2017 Observations & Astrological Events