This Brokenhearted Girl

"My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bare their bickerings"

E. Y. Harburg

After acknowledging the condition of my heart as well as my mind, in addition to the current climate of today's society; I found myself feeling extremely melancholy and somewhat depleted.  At one point I began to reflect on who I once was and how that girl would handle these emotions.  So yesterday I wanted to change my cellphone number, shut down my Facebook account and "disappear" from almost all of the people I know in real life. I felt so many emotions ranging from one extreme to another. While all of this is going on under the surface my outward demeanor would suggest that I am "calm, cool and collected" (typical Capricorn); which couldn't be farther from my reality. I made sure to monitor my mental and emotional health in hopes to avoid anxiety attacks, mainly because experience with these issues has taught me that an anxiety attack in my current state could very well escalate into a manic stage and all options from there are ones that I do my damnedest to avoid. As I've shared in previous expressions on this blog as well as my old one, when I feel this way I try to redirect some of my energy to other things or people who either come to mind or cross my path. At some point after expressing prayers and support for the missing children in Washington D.C., I extended my prayers to all those who are missing or displaced. Followed by meditation; where I was blindsided by feelings, memories and thoughts surrounding my own life, some of which are so far removed I have difficulty interpreting if the memories are of actual events, distorted dreams or completely made up delusions. I'm sure that may not make much sense, and probably to your surprise I am going to explain (somewhat).

Lately, I have had bouts of anger, resentment, regret in addition to the ever-present feelings of anxiety and depression. When I recognize that I am feeling this way I make a conscious effort to focus on my breathing and meditate, the past few times after doing this I feel as if I was transported to memories of my childhood when I'd be sad or upset and I'd go into my Grandmothers' bedroom and rest my head on her leg as she'd lay watching television. In those times I never had to overshare or over explain why I'd done this, often she wouldn't even say anything, she'd just run her fingers through my hair or tell me a story/parable and before I knew it I felt better; sometimes I'd shed a tear or two; or  just lay in silence watching whatever she had on. Occasionally I find myself grieving her passing as if it was recent, I try not to allow my thoughts to take me down that lane of memories because the length of time from when I expressed my "good bye" was much earlier than when she actually passed. I won't go into detail, but somehow I knew my last visit with her would be just that; I also accepted the reasons why it would be the last which allowed me to be at peace. I don't go to funerals; I've gone to approximately 3 in this lifetime and after the last one I said I would not attend another, with the exception of my own and a few other people should they pass on before me. So I did not visit her during her last days or attend her funeral, nor did I explain to anyone why. Then approximately 6 months later my Grandfather passed. I, again, grieved in my own way, but did not attend his funeral. However, in recent months I have felt them during my times of despair; I recall their words of wisdom and find comfort.

Occasionally I'll have an overwhelming desire to connect with family; as if that is the key to the void I feel. Typically I remain disconnected, mainly because the family members I have relationships with aren't responsible for nor contributed to the void I feel and the ones who are responsible will never admit to or reconcile so I've buried and made peace with the reality that we don't exist in one another's dimensions. Unfortunately, on a subconscious level various people, memories, etc., have begun haunting me via my dreams. One day after being bombarded by insomnia I decided to heavily medicate in order to induce sleep which had become much needed. I had several "nightmares" that day; prior to awaking I wrote the most fascinating blog entry which was forgotten as my eyes opened. That happens more often than I care to share; yet this time (which has also been known to happen) I was reminded of previous expressions I'd shared on my other blog The World Outside My Window. After revisiting those words I recognized how much of them I still wrestled with even after all of this time. When I shared I guess it's time to get this out and Sometimes I Feel... I was dealing with fertility concerns along with a sporadic case of "baby fever" so the desire to connect with my Mother; or reconnect with my Aunt and Grandmother felt imperative. It was as if I needed them in order to fill some deficiency I was unaware of or unfamiliar with. Since writing and sharing these words in 2012 I was betrayed in ways I feel are unforgivable; nevertheless, these "mother issues" are exposed and not only am I unsure how to heal these wounds I am determined to do so without communication with the women who created them. 

That's something you don't hear about, we all have become aware of "daddy issues" even if we aren't completely sure what they are, we know someone who identifies or fit the description, but what are "mommy issues"? Aside from the term "momma's boy" I can't think of any other reference to the concept. Over the years I have attempted to research, but have yet to discover anything that sheds light on what I feel at the time; so it gets buried again until times like now. I have some theories regarding "the way I am" and how some of my personality traits and overprotective boundaries may stem from feeling/being abandoned by my mother, but other than that how does it all effect a person's psychological make up?  I believe I touched on it when I shared Daddy's Little Girl, the contrast of a loving, attentive father and a woman who carried me during pregnancy and gave birth. After the battle of my thoughts, feelings and memories I asked myself "am I being too hard on her?" then I began to search for memories of something she taught me or ways she made a positive impact in my life- the person I have been, who I am now and/or the woman I am striving to become; and I came up empty. Since that conversation with myself I have been searching for the root of the question"why is all of this coming up now?" which reminded me of the words in How Did I Get Here. It's amazing how God works; how the Universe comes together in synchronicity to uncover and/or assist in answering questions; revealing truths or what have you. Although I am still unsure why these exact feelings have begun to bubble up for me, I am aware that I have been meditating on my purpose as well as studying my natal chart; not only as a way of self-discovery, but I suppose also as reassurance to the path I feel as if I am on regarding my spiritual journey. 

So back to yesterday, after deciding to keep my current cellphone number and Facebook account in tact I scrolled around on Twitter and found myself "eavesdropping" on a conversation that appeared on my timeline discussing "shadow work" and "dark room meditation"; I then made a mental note to research the two when I was reminded of someone I know through divine order. Around the last quarter of 2016 as I shared I had this overwhelming urge to prepare for 2017, in the midst of this chaos I felt completely alone, so I prayed. I rarely pray to God to "send" things or people to me; but this particular time I did, not long after that prayer was said and forgotten I received a message on Instagram from someone I'd met through Twitter, but had not seen online for quite some time. Long story short, we both prayed almost identical prayers at approximately the same time frame and were connected. It's uncanny how we share some of the same experiences, insights, etc., so when she mentioned "inner child work"; which has always been an area of self-therapy that I avoided, I knew she wasn't saying it by happenstance, nevertheless I resisted initially. Not long after that conversation I apologized because I knew she not only meant well, but she was/is a vessel (as I have been/am to her). So I decided I would take "baby steps" into my inner child work and heal the damage that I knew of; which honestly wasn't the issue, it is the damage I am unaware of that is chilling in my subconscious that I have been afraid of. 

Once I recognized the emotions I took a moment to meditate and allowed the tears to fall, then I slept. My dreams were all over the place and many were unpleasant, but not long after I awoke I received a message on Twitter from someone who had viewed my profile and brought up an area of interest that I had only shared with one other person (my spiritual sister mentioned above); this particular area of interest came to mind around the time I had been on leave from work for a few months and was experiencing quite a few transitions. Due to the circumstances my mental state was compromised so I was unsure if it was something that I should seriously entertain or if it was a spiritual enlightenment or awakening type situation in terms of my purpose. To my surprise I did not expect this chain of events especially after the conversation with my friend just last week, along with various postings regarding the growing pains of spiritual awakening(s) and maintenance. Although I am unsure how it will all play out I am confident in knowing that "all things work together for the good of them who love God, to them who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) as well as the scripture which says "I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6). 

This space of being with the complexities of mental and emotional health along with spiritual growth,  societal issues together with the changes of life can be extremely overwhelming; but I am learning to unplug, allow the feelings and emotions to run their course, chat with loved ones and allow God to move in my life to direct my path. It is not easy, by far; as I shared in Don't Be Deceived... nevertheless, I am encouraging myself (along with anyone who feels encouraged and/or can relate) some days are better than others, but I truly believe when it's all said and done, regardless of your "religious" or spiritual beliefs, in the end we will fulfill the plans God has for us as the scriptures say which will prosper us and bring out our very best in ways to contribute to our home here on Earth; not only for ourselves, but for one another as well as the generations to come.

Be Well & Happy New Moon 🌑💗✨; I pray God speaks to the situations and circumstances of our lives and heals the broken spaces, enlighten and awaken the purposes within us and strengthens the spirit of justice, harmony, equality, wisdom and Love throughout the atmosphere.

Blessings,

Kamille