Happy March 🍀💚✨
As I was preparing for the month of March and navigating through the chaos that is my life, I sought out to find a "flowery" photo to highlight the approach of Spring (pictured to the left) in alignment with all of it’s refreshing "new beginning" energy; however seeing the photo I posted on my Instagram account sparked a thought, or more so a challenge to myself and I decided to share. As I am attempting to find balance, healing, understanding and so on I want to make sure that I am also growing- mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as intellectually. Remembering my life before the anxiety attack and subsequent diagnosis of anxiety disorder I have always been a “nerd”. I enjoy learning and researching the origin of things I find interesting. However after developing the various disorders and conditions I have had a few occurrences where i was not in my “right state of mind”; but thats a story for another day. Nevertheless, since the last experience I make a point to keep my mind active. One of my coping mechanisms has become to use my OCD to my advantage when possible. A technique I learned in therapy, however now I find myself being overwhelmed quite often, even with what someone who does not experience issues with anxiety or depression would classify as a “simple task”. A while ago I noticed the increase of anxiety attacks started happening at the beginning of the month; noticeably more often than other times of the month. So I began to organize my calendar to the fullest detail. In order to take the focus off of appointments, bills and the usual birthdays; I decided to add various astrological occurrences, fun and/or obscure holidays and other cute or funny tidbits that made it less dreadful to turn the page of my calendar.
In February 2017, I decided to share on social media various “holidays” as well as observe Black History Month. As the days went by I will say that February was tough! I did my best to keep things to myself with the exception of mentioning that something was going on without any real details (for privacy). I found that although I am unhappy with some aspects of my life focusing on others, celebrating their “wins” helped me see a few subtle ones of my own as well as shifted my focus from my “problems” to sources of encouragement, strength, love, comfort and support. This past week as I thought I was beginning to brainstorm an expression for the blog I found myself engulfed in several videos of sermons on You Tube, in nothing short of a miracle; each touched on areas which was/is causing my unhappiness, anxiety, depression, etc. As if God was/is speaking directly to me. I’ve had these types of experiences before, one in particular coincides with the situation expressed in my last post “The Moon, My Soul & Love- The Perplexity”, during the time I was struggling to accept the changes my life had turned; I recall I had been on leave for a few months and it was clear that I was still unable to return to work. This was one of the most difficult spaces I had been in as it was completely new, I had never gone through anything of this magnitude in my entire life. During a period of time I’d consecrated myself in my room and slept; as if I could sleep my life away. While I was awake I prayed, cried and meditated then force myself to return to my dreams. I felt as if life was better there, because in my dreams I didn’t suffer from any disorders or conditions. After nearly a week of this I had a thought of a topic to search on You Tube, as soon as I did all of the “perfect” messages began to come through as if they were “just for me”. Well, that’s how I spent the past few days, with the exception of insomnia so there was no luxury of sleeping the pain away. After studying about five sermons and numerous scriptures I started on my calendar for March (which I was “supposed” to begin at least a week ago).
So back to my photo search, unexpectedly I also found a few "journal prompt" lists that I think may be a fun way of sharing on here; in addition to social media. I think it may help decrease (some of) the pressure to post. Sometimes due to anxiety disorder and it’s strange battle with my Soul I experience increased anxiety fueled thoughts and emotions surrounding how often I post along with sorting through an abundance of thoughts of what I could write while I’m trying to figure out my own brain. It’s confusing and I with all I am attempting to understand things now each discovery seems to mock how much there is to know regarding mental health. It is overwhelming! So I often shut everything down and find ways to remind myself of the objective of it all. I found myself using social media as well as blogging as a form of self therapy as I find myself without a therapist (or many true friends; near me in addition to outside of social media). The reason I chose to allow the blog to be public rather than keep my thoughts and writings to myself is (hopefully) to shine a light of awareness onto the topic (mental illness), especially with the youth, young adults and my peers; along with the stigma throughout the Black Community. Combining aspects of encouragement, support and a safe space for anyone who can relate to the things I share (which is why I prefer organic follows, followers, likes, etc.). After sharing some of these words on my Instagram account (referenced above) I decided to share all at once, most of the fun, enlightening, supportive “holidays” in the coming month as well as other useful information as opposed to how it kind of happened in the spur of the moment throughout February. Once I realized we are beginning to round out the first quarter of 2017 my prayer is to focus more intently to my goals, dreams, mental health, emotional health, physical health, and healing while finding more ways to experience happiness, laughter and relaxation. With that said, I hope you all join me in finding ways to improve our lives, environments and ultimately the energy of the world.
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