Sometimes You Break My Heart

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

 William Shakespeare

I can not recall when it began or when I realized it had begun, but my heart aches. For whatever reason I was oblivious to being in this condition until I was “smack dab” in the middle of it. I’d acknowledged at some point there had been a heart break yet I figured since I was aware of it there would be no need for it to affect me emotionally. I thought since I know my heart was (or perhaps still is) broken I should not experience the feelings associated with being brokenhearted. Or so I thought…

As I attempted to discover the source of the developing feelings, I found myself thrown off balance when I came to realize what I thought was the cause of this particular heart ache was only the tip of the iceberg; so to speak. I have been reliving the past five years in my mind and how I have endured almost every type of heartbreak you could imagine. From “losing” friends, fall-outs with family members, in addition to various personal challenges as well as those more intimate. Through it all I had come to rely on someone and was encouraged to trust them with a certain space of my heart. At one point during the experiences following trauma and diagnoses I felt as if this person was the one helping me hold it all together. I placed them in a part of my heart which held the “old me” in place in the midst of chaos, or the “me” that is emerging from within the chaos. And when I was told “I got you” as vague and misleading as those words have been known to be, I believed them. I believed that the fantasy of what I wanted and felt was needed at the time was being brought to life; while overlooking the scrutiny of knowing the lies I chose to feed myself. 

All this time I convinced myself the end of this “relationship” was why I felt aches in my heart. I believed the absence of this person from my life was revealing the impact of our connection. Then I became upset; remembering a quote (shown below) which took the light off of myself and pointed at someone else for causing me to feel as I was. The quote says:

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.”

Bob Marley

I felt as if he had betrayed me in a way I for one, never saw coming and secondly never expected from him. Prior to the traumatic series of events we had known one another for nearly a decade. As friends in addition to “off and on” intimately. During that time I believed that what we had was unique although I knew on some level I wanted more romantically, I just never expected it from him. I don’t want to diminish what we shared as a “seat filler”, because in it’s own way it was special. Nevertheless, I felt as if we’d continue with things the way they had been until I met someone who was everything I wanted, needed and desired. Until I was told things which persuaded me to become vulnerable, in ways I believe a person not truly intending to love wholly deserves. In my fragile state of being words were spoken that made me think the situation had morphed into more and eventually it became apparent this scenario was not meant to last as hoped. I am not sure why things didn’t pan out on his end and I choose not to speculate, but for me, I am still figuring it out which is partly why I decided to share. 

This past week after assigning blame to him for misleading me, a thought quickly came to mind as I felt as if I was “missing” him; as I have felt over the past few months. Usually when I’ve had a decision to make and I think, “who is the person I’d like to discuss this with?” or when I’ve had news I’d think “if we were still speaking I could share this with him” emotionally I’d then feel a sense of “loss” all over again. Similar to the days following my decision to leave this situation many months ago. As I allowed those thoughts to linger I was reminded of actual occurrences when I’d shared news or needed to make a decision and was told “you’ll figure it out; you always do”; which was followed by memories of tension, misunderstandings or neglect. I remembered the countless times I needed time, attention and such and was brushed off because I had always been a “strong woman” who didn’t need those things from him; according to him. My anger then turned towards someone else; actually a few things. I became angry with my upbringing (I’ll share more in regards to that in another post), soon after I was angry with myself.

For a change I was not upset with myself for allowing myself to love him, or even with him for awakening a love I’d never expected to show to him and honestly forgot existed. I was upset with myself for knowing I was being “sold a bill of goods” and being willing to travel the dead end road. I had lost so much since developing mental illnesses the idea that he and I could have something more than what we’d always had made me want to believe I would not lose him too. I wanted to believe that although he was who I desired physically, he had not shown himself to be “the one” I needed; emotionally or spiritually. I have not sorted out all of my thoughts or feelings concerning him, but I am in a space where I can accept my part in this particular situation, not necessarily in specific detail, but more so the theory of seeing incompatibility and disregarding it resulting in an attachment that is no longer available.

On the bright side one thing that I have learned through (over) analyzing this ordeal was something I’ve read many moons ago, yet didn't completely understand the way I do now. Often when I am extremely depressed or feeling overwhelmed and anxious I’ll open the Bible app and set it to the audio book version; I typically begin with Psalms with the intention of listening to the scriptures throughout Proverbs, Ecclesiastes and Song of Songs or Song of Solomon. These have always been my favorite “books”, especially Ecclesiastes, but on occasion I’ll listen to Song of Solomon and long for that type of love. Until recently I never thought I desired romantic love, I think I buried it with my best friend. Only to discover a different love years later, a relationship I rarely think about or mention. I allowed myself to fall madly in love with someone and circumstances along with various obstacles often interfered with our relationship resulting in me leaving the situation. As I committed to myself I would never allow myself to feel those things for another person again I believe I forgot the awesomeness of being loved and loving someone to that magnitude. Just to find myself not necessarily in a similar narrative but the words expressed at that time and space tapped into a spot in my heart that had been neglected or better yet abandoned since my late teens, early 20s (but that’s a story for another time). Over the past few hours I have concluded that I can no longer abandon any part of love, there is only heartache attached to picking and choosing which types of love to embrace and which to discard. I believe I will share more on that at another time. Sadly I can not determine how much longer my heart will remain broken however I respect the process of healing, and more importantly I have learned something that should have been taught to me as a young girl.

I’ve often considered writing an alternative blog with the concept of writing all of the things I would teach my younger self if it were possible. Or if I could share various lessons learned with the intention of sparing others the heartache and heartbreak learned over the course of my life (thus far). I think one of the main ones would be not only to guard your heart, but to protect it in a way where no one can persuade you from what you know to be true. If you know a person, job, decision, etc. will lead to an undesired outcome and there’s no logical reason to do it other than to “allow things to run it’s course”, that to me is a recipe for disaster. Because in the long run things will turn out as you knew they would; or perhaps worse than expected leaving you to heal wounds that could have been avoided. As I encourage myself, I would like to encourage others: 

“Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time.”

Song of Solomon, 8:4 Holman Christian Standard Bible

I take from that scripture what I shared above, with the understanding that love can be a beautiful thing, when it is appropriate. Society forces us from an extremely young age to be obsessed with relationships, marriage, “twin flames”, “soul mates” and such; yet there is little to no counseling on when someone is truly ready to give or receive those ideas and responsibilities. It is far too easy to say “I love you”, but the substance of those words and the intention of truly loving someone with all of their baggage, wounds accumulated throughout their life, various conditions as well as current circumstances may be far more than bargained for when simply stated “I got you” or “I’ll be here for you” especially when life often takes us in unexpected directions and someone is depending on your love, care, support or whatever to help them through the bricks life throws at us at times. I believe this particular heartbreak is different from any other experienced throughout my life. I say that because this one has allowed a light to shine not only into how I feel currently, but how I have allowed myself to bandage the wounds of past relationships without proper reflection, care and understanding which prevented my heart from healing fully to begin with. The barriers I built around the concept of love in order to prevent the pain I felt when someone I loved died suddenly or challenges arose which caused me to question a persons trustworthiness and character. I never truly allowed myself to get to know someone or let them know me in a way that would honestly build a foundation for a long-lasting, transparent relationship to grow. Even with honesty and vulnerability we can still keep people out of our most fragile spaces within our being which only says “you’re not ready” or “it’s not the appropriate time”. I believe where I went wrong in my most recent situation was I thought I could overlook the areas where we had not built a foundation of transparency along with areas where I had inserted him in a space designed by others before him. I was attempting to make him fit the void of loves I’d experienced and lost while desperately trying not to lose him too. The thing is, he did not belong where I wanted him to be and I hadn't taken the time to see or let him show where he did belong. In addition to whatever issues he found in me there was no way for this to end without heart ache, but the lesson learned has been worth the pain; because I now recognize the error(s) and I refuse to knowingly endure this type of ordeal again. I have made a promise to myself, I will no longer break my own heart with stubbornness, romanticized delusions or unwillingness to be vulnerable outside of my comfort zone.

I pray the lessons learned will suffice and going forward I will allow myself to heal fully and properly, admitting I would like to be in love and love someone completely; but only when I am ready when the appropriate time comes.