"fall in love with taking care of yourself. fall in love with the path of deep healing. fall in love with the best version of yourself, but with patience, with compassion and respect for your own journey."
@spiritualmovement (instagram)
I find myself in a familiar space and although I know its a test of my growth I find myself anxious and a bit weary of how things may go. Add to that the astroid Chiron has returned to it's direct position in the cosmos; if I've learned anything about Chiron, it is known as the wounded healer and from my experience will take you to some triggering spaces in order to heal past trauma. With that you have eclipses and the great conjunction happening December 21, 2020. I have so many things on my mind at any given moment I sometimes forget to check in with myself and not regress into some form of autopilot. I've been doing good at managing my stress, staying in tuned with my own energy and I even came one step closer to contacting my therapist for a check in. I feel as if that is progress as I continue to navigate this new life I find myself living. Since the onset of mental health issues I've learned so much about myself yet I find myself learning more as the days pass. Some of the things that used to trigger me don't have the same effects, which I am happy about. It makes me feel as if I can see my growth and areas of maturity.
Lately, emotions have surfaced that at times I can not put my finger on exactly what the feelings are; but the above quote has helped me settle down a bit and not focus on the things out of my control while trusting GOD and the Universe to guide me through to along this specific passage of my journey. I think the quote by Susan Meissner which says “To love is not to be fragile; it is to be unlocked and open. And when something is open, other things can come in.” I believe by showing myself love I am then able to be open and available for my prayers as well as new things to come in, I think by not focusing on my problems and allowing the space for GOD to carve out a path for me has helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety.
I feel a love for life that seems familiar yet has a newness that I cannot put into words. I began a few expressions over the past month, but for some reason; mainly distractions I have been unable to complete them. I feel as if I may revisit them in the near future and possibly expound on them or discard them altogether. I feel a freeing of my spirit in learning to not hold on to things so tightly, to detach in ways I never thought to before I focused so heavily on self care and self love. Finding the things which serve my highest good as opposed to easy fixes and shortcuts or self sabotage. I feel a multitude of things ranging from weary to excited, I suppose that's where bipolar comes in, thankfully I have the right cocktail to keep it at bay. I've been able to tap into a space of optimism that is keeping me grounded as the days turn to night and I haven't seen the Moon in days. I feel a tad bit uneasy having missed the Moon for so long, anxious awaiting the night (or day) when she appears again.
With everything going on in the cosmos I feel like a ball of energy waiting to burst, I know some of it is excitement while other parts are anxiety and fear of the unknown or uncertainty. It's a tough spot to be in when you have no other option, but to trust GOD fully and truly; During this time of year I typically spend much of the day in prayer and fasting, some days better than others. I've taken up that practice some years ago and find the spiritual growth that comes along with it is unmatched compared to all of my other practices throughout the year. I also, do my best to observe a specified time of day to pray, meditate and be still; a time I've labeled sacred time. I used to spend a lot of time sleeping the day away finding my dreams more desirable than my reality; now I feel as if I have awakened and am becoming the person to make those dreams come true. I am becoming more committed to my fitness journey and willing to accept that the changes won't come overnight, but with consistency and determination. I'm also committed to a few other goals that although they are more long-term; I feel an urge to set some things into motion even if it's at a snails pace. I feel like this quote explains my feelings at the moment exactly; "We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."- Paulo Coelho
It's as if I am standing with one foot on my faith (the abyss) with the other foot on my fairytale (goals and dreams) awaiting the path to appear. I would be lying if I said it was not a scary place to be in, but the faith has to be as strong as the dreams or how would they manifest? I feel as if I am at a standstill awaiting a message for blessing from GOD in order to move forward into the next chapter of my life...
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