tuning in

"She didn't quite know what the relationship was between lunatics and the Moon, but it must be a strong. one, if they used a word like that to describe the insane."

Paulo Coelho

I am thankful to God for answering my prayers. Moving shows you a lot, about yourself, your strength, your tribe, etc. I feel as I enter a new chapter of this life I find myself ready to dig deeper into my being; I am at a point where I want to know myself fully. As the years passed and various health issues have caused some weight gain I believed that the attributes that made me "pretty" were buried underneath. I know I'm at a place to make improvements in my thinking because I am finally willing to admit it in an outlet I feel safest. I've been "dieting" for years, switching things up; taking things out yet the pounds have remained. I am grateful to say they haven't increased, but they haven't decreased significantly. Until recently slimming down by approximately twenty pounds; I feel as if this may be a milestone as in the past I played around gaining and losing the same five pounds. It all ties together because where I am now I feel as if I've never been in this position before. Years ago I tried a pescatarian diet, but now with my energy evolving I find myself dabbling in the plant based lifestyle. With everything I have going on I feel my inner beauty shining in ways I only dreamed of. It feels as if I am going to burst and allow my outside to reflect more of what's inside, the vibrant, radiant, glow of joy, peace and happiness. 

It began as I re-engaged in "scared time", I read scripture and listened to spiritual music; not necessarily "gospel". I allowed the presence of God to enter my dwelling and I could feel it, I felt comforted and loved. I think as I begin to incorporate all of these things simultaneously I will begin to see more of my desired results. By cooking which encourages me to eat healthier and exercise along with up keeping my spiritual practices, I know it's possible; mainly because that's what I did years ago to accomplish my desired goals. At that time my reasons for losing weight and toning up was solely inspired by vanity, I wonder sometimes why I was able to do it when my intentions weren't as pure as they are now; it was even "easy" then. I don't know if it's the affects of age or desire, but I feel as if this particular goal has been the biggest challenge of my adult life. I am working with my doctor to get my health on track and thankfully my mental health is where I want it to be; I feel nurtured and focused. After taking some time to reflect, I completed a tarot spread which was quite enlightening. The focus was about self: how you feel about yourself now, fears, goals, etc.. In my reading I pulled a few Pentacles, which from what I've read The suit of Pentacles is associated with the element Earth as well as the ego, self-esteem and self-image; most of what I began speaking of. The cards also spoke to my procrastination as well as my fear of being seen. Not seen in the sense of being physically seen by other people, but more so in my writing and sharing with other people; although that's the purpose of blogging. I feel a shyness, even in writing as if I am baring my soul at times and I don't want anyone to see it. I don't completely know how to break those habits which are possible sabotaging my higher self. On the other hand I feel as if things are aligning to pull me out of that. 

One of the cards literally says "Everything happens for a reason, so have faith that these changes are happening for your highest good". I suppose that's where patience comes in "trusting that this is where I need to be right now". As an Earth Sign, I tend to overthink things which then causes anxiety for me; which as a Capricorn (Sun Sign), I can be a bit pessimistic at times. Something that I've made a conscious effort to reform as I know that level of being does no serve me or my higher self. Which makes me wonder when or rather if it's possible to embody the concept of the higher self? or if that's something we're always striving for? At times I feel as if I am being my higher self then it fades, I'm studying to figure out how I can embody that part of myself and just be. One of the cards suggests that I am rebuilding from a loss and able to create what's to come as well as discard some old beliefs that no longer align with the person I am becoming. I find myself awake in the early morning and the main thing on my mind is self-awareness which in my opinion has to be accompanied with compassion and understanding. I feel as if over the years I've been rather hard on myself and I am noticing as I "lighten up" in regards to my expectations of myself I am beginning to see the results I've been obsessing over. 

Pink Floyd plays in the background as scents of vanilla and cannabis fills the room. I begin to feel my chakras, to the point I can sense which ones are balanced and which are not. I can feel the voids in my heart. I feel as if the energy of the approaching New Moon has "hit me like a slow bullet". Along with the anticipation of the Super Full Pink Moon at the end of the month. The vibration I feel throughout my body lets me know that I am sending light and positive energy to those chakras in need of balancing. Also reminding me that I need to pay more attention towards balancing them and keeping my aura and such in tune with my being. Meaning focusing on the whole self: Mind, Body and Soul; the thought that came to mind is how I compartmentalize in so many aspects of my life. It seemed to have spilled over into my spirituality, I've been so focused on connecting and in some areas repairing my relationship with God I tend to neglect myself in some ways. Since I deal with bipolar issues I pay a lot of attention to where I am mentally as well as emotionally. I've been doing well with my practices, concoctions and therapy sessions. I'm happy to be able to say that, especially with the past year I've had. Physically, I am doing better, reimplementing various lifestyle changes makes me believe I am on the right track. I think with time, effort and patience I will welcome myself, back to myself. I see it softly, but what I am talking about is the glow. Some days I can see it, however I am longing for the day that it just radiates at all times. Then my favorite song on the album comes on and I feel more in sync with my life. As I took a quick break to feed my social media addiction, the first photo I see on Instagram is my horoscope for the day which touches on nearly everything I've written about thus far. I also checked to see where the Moon was and lo and behold its in my Moon Sign of Aquarius. 

Which partially explain why I'm so in my feelings lately. I've been missing my Dad, but as crazy as it sounds I feel his presence at times; or I'll see him in a dream. The thing about grief is you never know when or how it'll hit you. I intend to schedule a session with my tarot reader later today and I am curious to see how much of what came up in my reading comes up in the session. It seems I am stressed, which was brought to my attention by eczema; I know some of the obvious reasons causing me stress, but it's whatever is underneath the surface that I need to be made aware of. I'm interested to learn what it may be so that I can repair whatever the cause is. I've been smoking for hours and my body feels relaxed, my mind clear and my soul is grateful. Yet I am in the mood to eat an edible I have in the freezer, we'll see where the morning takes us... For a moment I thought of going back to the beginning and editing some of the things I've shared, but I decided not to; I feel as if I've been raw with my thoughts and that's something I need to do more often. On the blogs as well as in real life, I have to overcome my shyness and live authentically. Another thing I'm working on: authenticity, I feel as if as the days go by I become more of my authentic self. Silencing my ego when necessary and living life as guided by my higher self. I close my eyes and see colors correlating to various chakras, letting me know energy is flowing through them. Anxiety has me up late, more like an eagerness for the day to begin. I pray you all are doing well under the circumstances and continue to give time to self care, self love and whatever spiritual practices you participate in for your highest good.

Blessings,

Kamille 💗✨