The Moon, Palm Trees and the Ocean

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As I sat at the beach the other evening, I thought about my surroundings and tapped into my emotions at the time. I have felt the emotion of happiness for a while now and at times, like the one mentioned above; I felt as if I was in bliss. I had a drink infused with cannabis oil, which was amazing! I began to pray then meditate in an effort to feel connected to GOD, I felt my soul speak to me and bring various things to my mind; all pleasant thoughts. In that moment I wanted to dive into the ocean and swim like I belonged there, I find myself fascinated with mermaids as if I may have been one in another lifetime.  I have that same feeling as I type these words, as if I could fly away into all there is. I feel dreamy, as if I were in a fairytale; not waiting to be saved rather enjoying life. I feel inspired, something I haven't felt in a long while. It's as if the night under the Moon, near the ocean, I tuned into my creativity and found inspiration, at least I pray that's the case. 

I am not sure how inspiration disappeared however I am ecstatic that it seems to be with me again. I realized earlier today that it's been over a month since I last shared; I'm working on writing and sharing more often. The thing I believe is holding me back from doing so is having the words to share without feeling as if I'm being redundant. So far, waiting for the words to come to me seems to have the best expression; however that leaves days and at times weeks without writing anything. Now I feel the energy of the approaching New Moon and the effects of that, allowing me to tap into my core self and find the words to share. The other night I typed a bit as I sipped champagne and listened to music; I decided to do the same this evening, but sadly I couldn't open the bottle so I chose golden ticket instead. As I allowed the music to move me, I began to focus on my thoughts and as I tuned into them I realized I was experiencing the feeling of gratitude. I began to thank GOD for all of the things I am grateful for, including the current state of my being. I feel as if the concoction that I consume on a regular basis is helping me in a way that I only dreamed of, I still deal with anxiety and at times depression, but now that I've been diagnosed bi-polar and taking the proper medication for it; I feel as if it tames triggering situations and allows me to process my emotions in a better way than I would in the past. 

I will admit, I was depressed for a while prior to the night mentioned above, I was able to recognize this and make the necessary adjustments in order to shake those feelings. I've been walking a lot lately, taking more control over my fitness. I've been thinking a lot about my self and ways I can improve and one way has been to pay close attention to the thoughts that I allow to flourish. I ask myself if the thought is for my highest good or will it make anything "better" and if the answer is "no" I make an effort to replace it with something more in alignment with the person I am "working" to become. Remembering some of the toughest times in my life and looking at how my life is today I can't help but feel a sense of appreciation and as I stated earlier, gratitude and thankfulness. I nearly have tears in my eyes because my life has been a rollercoaster since 2012; and if I'm being honest since 2005. The think about 2005- 2012 there were mostly ups rather than the downs of a rollercoaster. but since 2012, much of that was a struggle because that's when I was first diagnosed. it's almost ten years since then (in September 2022) and I feel a sense of relief as I havent been hospitalized since around 2017, which is when I got the bi-polar diagnosis. 

I often dream of winning a jackpot, I then think of the house I intend to purchase and the car I'd drive. In these lucid dreams I can feel the emotion connected to such occurrences. I smoked a cigar for the first time in years; I felt as if I were celebrating. As one song ends and another begins I feel in tune with the lyrics as they are in alignment with my current state of being. With all of the techniques I've learned in therapy over the years, along with my current monthly "check in's", I feel more at peace with myself. I feel as if I know myself in a much better way than in previous years. I think wisdom plays a key part in that as I believe I am much wiser than in my younger years. I pray I continue to grow and learn myself as I am constantly changing (for the better). I hope you all are well and in good spirits, if not I pray you have a good support team or person in place to help you though whatever you may be concerned about. I appreciate the emails I receive with words of appreciation and encouragement. 

until next time,

Kamille 💗⭐

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