last night I got too high...

Many lives have been lived these past few months, I feel as if I am in the middle of one with another on the horizon. Unfortunately, I suffered a stroke recently and some things are still out of sorts. I've been in prayer and meditation a lot since this trauma expressed itself though my being; nonetheless, I left the hospital with a plan and thus far it's falling into place. The outcome however isn't in my hands, as much as I can attempt to manifest, the final "say so" belongs with God. 

This past week I recognized I had been in grief since approximately last winter, in all honesty I may have been functioning in grief since my Dad passed away some years ago. I don't believe I'll go into much detail today, however I will say some things made me forget about this for a bit and enjoy my life and the abilities that remain. I don't know much about stroke's, however, I do understand they operate at various capacities [and I consider myself blessed that the one I experienced did not take me out...}. The fact the ability to write has not been altered. I praise God for abilities that remained while learning to accept should the outcome be what it is. 

Music, reefer and the words of my heart... I've never felt this particular way before. There's something to be said of the level of balance I consider myself being in the face of a life changing consequence. It's almost as if during the experience [of having a stroke]  I found myself knee deep in grief, I was not able to gaslight myself into believing something other than that truth. So rather than staying in shock and denial I prayed, meditated, spoke with a few loved ones and found the space to make peace with alternative outcomes. 

Facing such life altering decisions within a short period of time has been overwhelming, to say the least. I had a few "woe is me" moments, but I wouldn't allow them to form a "pity party"; I realized that may be far deeper than I have the capacity to engage. Some depths are distractions at times while other explorations are necessary for growth. I thought I had evolved beyond certain things as I've been in therapy for the past 12 years [and counting]... That's the thing about grief, you think you're okay, but you're not then something cracks a tear and before I know it I'm in tears about so many things. I haven't experienced an anxiety attack since around this time in 2017. I've had several, on various frequencies causing different responses along with areas within seeking my awareness, hearing out the inner-child who has some things to resolve. While the woman I strive to be, figures out where to lead me along the "right" path to achieve the dreams placed in my heart and mind. 

As a Capricorn [Sun Sign], it is rather easy to be pessimistic, not wishing or worrying about the undesired outcome, it is perhaps figuring out how to make things work with the least. I've had to do that for so long it's like second nature; however I am in a space where I desire to live life as I see it in my thoughts and dreams as opposed to the reality I am impacted by often. It was in this moment I wondered if I'd gotten too high, I felt anxiety creeping in, but I was determined to remain in good spirits for as long as I could. Tuesday I have an appointment where I am expecting things to be put into perspective and I'll leave with options to consider. Attempting to lift poor spirits for nearly a week is taking all the mental, physical and emotional gymnastics I can muster up each day. Especially with pending treatment decisions to be made in the conversation of cancer. 

I have a title, the music is doing what I need it to; as well as the reefer and now.... the munchies.