on course

"go beyond your little world and find the grandeur of God's world."

Rumi

So I've completed my first few assignments for my course; creative writing- nonfiction. The class is not what I expected which is great; because I find it challenging; in a good way. It is covering an aspect of writing that I've mentioned when anticipating taking the class; which was finding my voice in my writing. I am looking forward to see the progress once I reach the end of this course. It's interesting how this and the next course I am registered for - astronomy, will overlap and conclude at the end of the year. That is significant to me because of the intentions and affirmations I set for myself during that time.

The end of one year and beginning of another is so refreshing to me as it is a chance to improve upon things and really see what no longer serves us as we go from one space in time to another. Especially seeing how soon after the New Year I'll become a new age! I'm actually excited for this  birthday and I am unsure as to why that is. Seeing how I have yet to make or even begin to think of any plans. I feel myself outgrowing my "little world" and moving towards "the grandeur of God's world"; slowly, but at a good pace.  I hope to have rediscovered the space of the Soul where creativity lives; I've been focusing on tapping into that space more often.  

I read a tarot spread for a friend recently which went well; I've learned in my time away from tarot, to trust my intuition a lot more than I have in the past. I saw that through the reading I was more confident in my interpretation and delivery, it also helped that the cards were accurate for the experience. I intend to do a reading for myself, however I have yet to attract the prompts I resonate with or think of any on my own. I also plan to do the "Monthly Check- In" spread at the beginning of September. I am also participating in a Virgo Reset Cleanse*, scheduled for the seventeenth (17th) and a Mercury Grounding* for the retrograde (approximately September 9th- October 2nd). 

I feel on some level I've been slacking with my spiritual practices and am attempting to improve as I've also been focusing on my mental, emotional, psychical and financial health these days. Much of which is quite time consuming. Making sure to take breaks and mental health days as necessary; I think I'm going to schedule a "Kamille Appreciation Day" very soon; once I review my responsibilities for the remainder of August and the month of September. The year is going by pretty quickly as I think of how we are approaching the last quarter of it. Although I don't celebrate any of the festivities centered around October until December, I am excited for the Autumn/ Fall season just as well. A time for Ugg boots, spiked hot beverages and a light chill in the California air.

As the music plays and times passes by, I am reminded of an errand I have scheduled and I have to decide how much longer I intend to write. I am suddenly reminded of the Full Moon and begin to feel excitement brewing within my being. It's funny how my cycle is sync'd with the Moon; it used to be with the New Moon, now it's often closer to the Full Moon. I read that signifies empowerment for self as well as other women. I feel that; empowered, as if by reclaiming my spiritual practices I am empowering myself with what my Soul needs at this time. 

I had cannabis oil in my coffee and I am still feeling the effects; which I like, since I don't need another dose for some time. I have a little less than an hour to get myself together and get on the road, a drive I am looking forward to. I have a feeling the music will be just right and traffic will be at bay. I have yet to learn the title of this expression, however I am allowing the words to flow through me as we all discover them for the first time. I never draft my expressions, I simply type then edit for grammar and typos then publish. A practice I find to be quite freeing as it is not censored or tailored to a specific narrative.

I'm looking forward to my hair and Rocko's grooming appointments scheduled for this week. Unfortunately, Rocko has to get a haircut, an experience he is less than fond of; however it's necessary. I've dubbed his appointment, "Rocko Appreciation Day"; seeing how he is my emotional support animal and he does so much to keep me in good spirits.  He is such a comedian in his own right; keeping a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart. 

As the music changes and I've completed a New Moon tarot spread for myself; the results were positive, encouraging and uplifting. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next; since I have yet to think of a title for this expression, I've decided to continue to write. I'm also attempting to tap into what I'm feeling in the moment and I am a bit "all over the place". I bought a new lipstick and I'm excited to try it on again; initially I didn't think I liked it, but over time I think I'll give it another try! So far, I don't like it. I'm new to the red lip, but of the three (3) shades I have they all seem to be more orange or brown than red. I feel determined to find the perfect shade! In the meantime it'll be lipgloss and mascara for a while. 

I received more grades on assignments submitted and they were all "A's"; that made me happy!  Especially since this is my third attempt at College; my first attempt I became a mother and lost focus, the second time a few years ago, I was plagued with anxiety and couldn't commit to in class courses. This time thankfully the courses I'm registered for are online, I'm almost certain that won't be the case for all of the courses I'll need to transfer with my degree in English, but I am hopeful. That's another area I feel my "little world" expanding; I think I may be open to take classes on campus, maybe next semester or in the near future...

until next time

*visit @mysticxlipstic on twitter for additional information regarding the energy cleanse as well as grounding for Mercury Retrograde

my beautiful nightmare

I remember meeting him; Summer 2003,  we meet online and if memory serves me correctly it took a little while for us to meet in person. I believe we spoke on the phone and texted for weeks, maybe months before we saw one another for the first time. After a few times we spent together I knew he was special. The way he spoke, presented himself and treated me was like boyfriends I'd had in my teenage years. I recall him asking me to be his "girlfriend", at the time I was a brat and upon our first misunderstanding I broke up with him; I realized some time later that move was a mistake on my part. During that time I had unknowingly gotten used to toxic relationships and did not understand how to behave in a "normal" one. To me, at the time he was a fantasy; I felt as if he was "too good to be true" and that he'd hurt me badly if I allowed him in my heart; because that had been my experience over the years with my first two (2) real boyfriends. 

It was a long time after we broke up that we had our first sexual experience together, it was beautiful, passionate and surprising. Mainly because I didn't know what to expect and it was more than simply "fucking", it felt like something more; something I hadn't experienced since I was 17 with the second (2nd) man I ever loved. One night while we were together I said "I hate you" and his reply was "you love me" and stupidly I repeated my statement. I've always regretted that moment, wishing at times that I could go back and relive it; because it was so beautiful and I hadn't realized until years later that I did in fact love him. However as stated above, I was used to toxic relationships and having "hate sex". Before I met him, I was involved with someone who was no good for me; not very loving or caring we just had good sex and at the time that was enough for me. 

So now I'm in a situation with someone who seems to care for me and I am "acting bad", at the time I wasn't interested in love or thinking of any one relationship growing into anything. I only cared about having good sex and my daily life filled with being a mother, work, friends and living "my best life"; at least what I felt that was at a time; before I had matured and learned more about myself and my desires. I had things so mixed up as far as how or what male/female relationships "should" be like. I realized many years later how misguided I had been; I recall he'd use the phrase "making love" and I was so focused on "fucking", my heart had been broken a few times and I had not healed. I realize that now, well, I realized that some time ago when analyzing myself and my previous relationships with men. 

I remember when I really realized that I loved him; we had amazing sex one night, I don't recall how soon after, but I changed his ringtone to "whatever" by Jill Scott; where she says the man she was with had "pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night..." she goes on to say how he "put it down last night..." and how they'd "made powerful love last night...". Unfortunately he heard the ringtone and it was only part of the chorus and not the part that made me set it as such. I don't recall what was said about it, but something was said; this was before the age of smartphones so I couldn't simply open an app and play the full version of the song. So I let the moment pass, again, a moment in time that I regret. Not long after I mentioned being his girlfriend again and he made it clear that he didn't "take me seriously"; I've held on to these memories for nearly twenty (20) years. How foolish I had been concerning him and how he never gave me a second (2nd) chance at something more than a sexual "friendship". 

We've both had other relationships during our time of knowing one another, but somehow we find ourselves back in one of the other's bed. Although it could seem as if all that we share is sex, I feel it's more than that. I remember a time when he'd tell me that I was "perfect" for him and I did not understand fully what he meant by those words; again, years later I began to feel the same, as if he is perfect for me. He is supportive and encouraging; I remember recently telling him that I thought our space apart this last time was because I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. He then let me know that his disappearance was misunderstood and that he thought I was going through a lot at the time and needed space; which was partially true, I was going through a lot, but I did not want space. I was honestly feeling insecure about my weight and did not want him to see me in a state where I didn't feel "my best".

As I wrote in "you, me and the Moon", the four (4) years we spent apart was extremely difficult for me. I'd have things I'd want to share with "someone" yet had no one to share them with, or I'd want to express the sexual aspect of myself and either have no one to express them with or I'd have a fling which was hardly equal to what he and I shared over the years. I remember I'd be with someone and think of him to "get through it". No one compared to him, as far as his mentality or the sexual power he has over me. I feel safe with him; which is something I haven't felt since my first (1st) boyfriend. For a little backstory, I met my first love when I was fourteen (14) and he was apart of my life until I was about twenty (20) or twenty-one (21); I've written about him before on this blog as well as the other. He passed on, and at that time I believe I said to myself that I'd never love anyone the way I'd loved him. Then two (2) to three (3) years later I meet "the man of my dreams" and I fumble the entire relationship, partly because of feeling I'd never love anyone the same and the other part being the disappointment I'd experienced in relationships prior to meeting him.

I used to be so intimidated by him, on some level thinking I wasn't "good enough" for him; in that I had been treated as if I were ordinary; for lack of a better word. At some point I felt as if he was able to "see" me, the me I had been hiding behind a "tough girl" exterior. Years later I began to refer to him as "my beautiful nightmare", because the idea of loving him was scary to me yet our sexual chemistry leaves me in a trance at times. I felt like he was a fairytale and somehow something would happen to take him away from me, so I thought I'd keep him at arms length to "protect" my heart. Yet my heart was making me feel these things that was so foreign to me at the time; it had been so long since I'd experienced love that I did not recognize when I felt it. After much therapy and various tarot readings I've healed from the loss of my first love as well as my second (2nd) boyfriend, who loved me, but had too much going on in his life for me to continue a relationship with him. Not long after our breakup I ended up pregnant by someone who did not care for me much; again, we just had decent sex and one night the condom slipped off. After those three (3) relationships I thought I was incapable of love or loving someone.

So for the longest time I kept him in a box, my fantasy man; somehow I feel as if my life is better with him in it. Even if there's no title for what we share. I hesitated to publish "you, me and the Moon" because I was afraid that he'd read my words, without knowing what he would think or if he'd mention anything about it; I feel a way about what I've shared thus far, but I've gotten over the fear because these are the words my heart wants to share and seeing how I actually have words to share in the span of a couple of days versus the past month of writer's block I have chosen to put my art ahead of my fear of what's unknown. Before publishing "you, me and the Moon" I conducted a risk assessment with a friend and thought, "what if he doesn't feel the same?" or "what if he does?" and "if I wanted anything in our dynamic to change?" and since I don't quite have answers to those questions I figured I'd pour it on the page allowing myself the space to express what I've been keeping bottled inside for nearly a month of not writing. 

He sparks something within me that I have yet to understand; fully. It feels like the teenage Me who was authentic, carefree and full of love to share. I hold that back though, afraid to be vulnerable with him, still. I think that may be what intimidates me the most, my own fear of being vulnerable. Although I feel a degree of safety with him, I am not always my authentic self; hiding behind my sexual desires and that aspect of who I am. Perhaps on some level still holding him in that box of fantasy, that is something I would like to do away with. Seeing how I have changed in ways yet reverting to the "old" Me when dealing with him in some ways. However he has changed to his betterment over these past four (4) years apart. I've shared that with him, I like the changes I've seen since we've begun speaking again. My hope is that after I've shared these words I am more comfortable being my authentic self with him, allowing him to see more aspects of who I am versus who I at times present myself to be. It's weird because I don't feel as if I am pretending, since the things I share most with him comes from the fantasy part of who I am, however I don't think I share the real aspects of my heart and mind with him; mostly desires. 

At times, I don't feel as if I am "ready" to do that, then I think of what I want right now and as I spoke with my nail technician recently; I don't want a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term. I feel as if I may have been single "too long" for what my mind says a "girlfriend" is. I feel as if I would like a companion at times while keeping my space, then I question if that is even true. As of right now I don't think I want anything to change, I am happy! Not thinking or even caring if he is in love with me or not, I know that our situation isn't toxic as I used to settle for and to me that's what counts. The thought of pushing the button to publish made me roll my eyes, only because of the fear of who'll read these words yet I am forcing myself to have the courage to do it anyway. I haven't mentioned that I've published anything, only that I have written which is "what's important"; I am afraid, but focused on being brave in this moment. 

Full of love and in a sense ready to express it yet not knowing how. I've felt this way for many years however I have not fully expressed my love for anyone outside of family and friends which of course is a different type of love altogether. I used to think it was infatuation then realizing it was much more than that, I honestly think what we have is "enough" for now. I remember a time when he'd tell me I was "too much" and I'd think to myself how much I was holding back and questioning what enough was. When I mentioned being "too much" recently his words were comforting and allowed me to re-evaluate when and with whom to share "too much" and when not to. I have yet to discover that balance with him, but I feel as if I can be more of my authentic self with him as I have not been over the years. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that even if things remain the same, I am fine with the way things are. I love the ability to share my fantasies and desires with someone who does the same; I love the support and encouragement to "keep writing" and the beautiful, passionate, at times shocking way that we express ourselves in the nude. 

I believe I will make an effort to check myself when I feel as if I am holding back with him. I want to show my wild side as well as my soft side; both of which I've hidden for a very long time. I don't even know how that is possible, then again, when a person continuously practices hiding it may come as second nature. I believe that's who the "old" Me is, the second nature instincts I've developed to keep myself safe from heartbreak which leads to heartache in my opinion. The crazy thing is, even with holding back and hiding aspects of myself I've experienced heartbreak as well as heartache; so it's clear that holding back and hiding is not serving me to my highest good, so why continue? I'm willing to work on that, it comes easy when I allow my fingers to speak for me on the blog rather than in real life where I'm often quiet. I think the other thing I've noticed is my fear of saying the "wrong" things as I have in the past, with two (2) examples above. I intend to do better; not really focused on only saying the "right" things, but speaking what my heart and mind agree on.

I suppose "time will tell", but if you notice me writing more fantasies on this blog than ever before it is because he's giving me things worth writing about. He inspires me, effortlessly, which also intimidates me. At times I feel as if I have misplaced my creativity when he and I aren't speaking or haven't spoken, even if it's a very short period of time. I'm figuring that out as well, as I spoke in "purple clouds" about my chakra's and meditation on my sacral chakra which deals with sexuality and creativity I can see how those two (2) things are intertwined. I feel as if when I am able to express my sexual side I am more creative and able to write from a space that is true to me. Even though I have a fear of publishing these words, creatively I feel as if I must. Thinking of the times I've held back the full story or been vague or even cryptic, I no longer wish to be that way. I want to be descriptive and forthcoming, things I expected from the creative writing class I've registered for. 

My hope is that I'll improve in my expressions and leave you with insight of who I am and some of my experiences throughout the years. I believe this may be the most open I've been on the blog, at least recently; it's liberating. Letting go of fear and embracing my story so to speak. I listen to music a lot and I find it interesting when the songs play describing my thoughts or emotions in that moment, Pandora (music streaming app) does that a lot! This morning is no different, songs of love and lust streaming through the television, reminding me of my feelings and how I am getting better at discerning what and why I may be feeling a way at any given moment. I believe this expression is a step in that direction, being free to express how and why I've comes to love someone and why things may be the way they are in the present and being happy with the way we've come back together as different people in a sense. Allowing what we have to be what it is and simply enjoying what we share with one another. I could go on, but I think I've shared (more than) enough for now.

Until next time...

you, me and the Moon

I've taken an impromptu break from writing in search of inspiration to no avail. I am unsure where the inspiration has gone or when it will return;  in the meantime I enrolled in a creative writing class, which I hope will assist in finding the inspiration necessary to write on a continuous basis. In addition to finding my voice and the courage to speak the things I have been afraid to share. At times I have an uneasiness with writing about things other than my own thoughts and experiences trying not to include others in those expressions. 

I spoke with a friend who suggested I write about a fantasy since my "regular" thoughts have escaped me. The truth is, I have thoughts to write however I have been scared to share them; because the thoughts are of him and I haven't expressed them verbally to him. So the idea of writing them in public makes me anxious and nervous to express them, however I have decided to allow my fingers to let my thoughts flourish and see what comes.

I find myself drawn to him as if my soul yearns for him when he's not near me. There was a space in time where we were not in one another's lives and for me that was the hardest time I've had missing someone. I thought of him daily and hoped that one of those days he would reach out, just when I decided to give up he reached out and I was shocked! I recall the first time we saw one another after about four (4) years apart and we had the most amazing sex! Soon after he looked at me and asked about the expression on my face; which revealed the shock of him actually being in my house, in my bedroom and in my bed. I'd thought that would never happen again and I was not only shocked, but happy! I mean, like over the Moon with happiness. 

I know the difference between loving someone and being “in” love with someone; I feel as if I learned that at an early age (I'll revisit that at another time). I think I remember when I fell in love with him many years ago; somehow the feeling hasn’t gone away. I haven't expressed my love for him, but it comes out when my thoughts drift to thoughts of him or our experiences together over the many years of knowing each other.

I often fantasize about different scenarios of encounters, it's funny because recently he mentioned being on the beach at night because that's often the setting for these encounters. I think and at times dream of us on a beach, with a blanket and the lighting of the Full Moon, with the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore; and the scent of the ocean breeze entangled with the desire we have for one another.

We talk for a bit and then he touches me on my shoulder and traces his finger down my arm until his hands are caressing my breasts and I begin to melt. He then takes a finger and slides the straps of my dress off my shoulders until I am nude under the Moonlight. I begin to undress him slowly touching his dark smooth skin until my hands land on his manhood; I start to kiss and lick his erect dick, sucking until he's about to cum. He then enters me slowly and I sigh as if it's the best feeling in the world; because to me, it is! His strokes are deliberate, focused on our pleasure; forgetting or rather not caring if anyone is around to see us; I then think of the possibility and it arouses me even more. 

We switch positions various times until we climax together. After we catch our breath we lay there for a moment and gaze at the stars while still admiring one another; my love for him grows deeper...