my beautiful nightmare

I remember meeting him; Summer 2003,  we meet online and if memory serves me correctly it took a little while for us to meet in person. I believe we spoke on the phone and texted for weeks, maybe months before we saw one another for the first time. After a few times we spent together I knew he was special. The way he spoke, presented himself and treated me was like boyfriends I'd had in my teenage years. I recall him asking me to be his "girlfriend", at the time I was a brat and upon our first misunderstanding I broke up with him; I realized some time later that move was a mistake on my part. During that time I had unknowingly gotten used to toxic relationships and did not understand how to behave in a "normal" one. To me, at the time he was a fantasy; I felt as if he was "too good to be true" and that he'd hurt me badly if I allowed him in my heart; because that had been my experience over the years with my first two (2) real boyfriends. 

It was a long time after we broke up that we had our first sexual experience together, it was beautiful, passionate and surprising. Mainly because I didn't know what to expect and it was more than simply "fucking", it felt like something more; something I hadn't experienced since I was 17 with the second (2nd) man I ever loved. One night while we were together I said "I hate you" and his reply was "you love me" and stupidly I repeated my statement. I've always regretted that moment, wishing at times that I could go back and relive it; because it was so beautiful and I hadn't realized until years later that I did in fact love him. However as stated above, I was used to toxic relationships and having "hate sex". Before I met him, I was involved with someone who was no good for me; not very loving or caring we just had good sex and at the time that was enough for me. 

So now I'm in a situation with someone who seems to care for me and I am "acting bad", at the time I wasn't interested in love or thinking of any one relationship growing into anything. I only cared about having good sex and my daily life filled with being a mother, work, friends and living "my best life"; at least what I felt that was at a time; before I had matured and learned more about myself and my desires. I had things so mixed up as far as how or what male/female relationships "should" be like. I realized many years later how misguided I had been; I recall he'd use the phrase "making love" and I was so focused on "fucking", my heart had been broken a few times and I had not healed. I realize that now, well, I realized that some time ago when analyzing myself and my previous relationships with men. 

I remember when I really realized that I loved him; we had amazing sex one night, I don't recall how soon after, but I changed his ringtone to "whatever" by Jill Scott; where she says the man she was with had "pulled some tricks out your sleeve last night..." she goes on to say how he "put it down last night..." and how they'd "made powerful love last night...". Unfortunately he heard the ringtone and it was only part of the chorus and not the part that made me set it as such. I don't recall what was said about it, but something was said; this was before the age of smartphones so I couldn't simply open an app and play the full version of the song. So I let the moment pass, again, a moment in time that I regret. Not long after I mentioned being his girlfriend again and he made it clear that he didn't "take me seriously"; I've held on to these memories for nearly twenty (20) years. How foolish I had been concerning him and how he never gave me a second (2nd) chance at something more than a sexual "friendship". 

We've both had other relationships during our time of knowing one another, but somehow we find ourselves back in one of the other's bed. Although it could seem as if all that we share is sex, I feel it's more than that. I remember a time when he'd tell me that I was "perfect" for him and I did not understand fully what he meant by those words; again, years later I began to feel the same, as if he is perfect for me. He is supportive and encouraging; I remember recently telling him that I thought our space apart this last time was because I'd gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. He then let me know that his disappearance was misunderstood and that he thought I was going through a lot at the time and needed space; which was partially true, I was going through a lot, but I did not want space. I was honestly feeling insecure about my weight and did not want him to see me in a state where I didn't feel "my best".

As I wrote in "you, me and the Moon", the four (4) years we spent apart was extremely difficult for me. I'd have things I'd want to share with "someone" yet had no one to share them with, or I'd want to express the sexual aspect of myself and either have no one to express them with or I'd have a fling which was hardly equal to what he and I shared over the years. I remember I'd be with someone and think of him to "get through it". No one compared to him, as far as his mentality or the sexual power he has over me. I feel safe with him; which is something I haven't felt since my first (1st) boyfriend. For a little backstory, I met my first love when I was fourteen (14) and he was apart of my life until I was about twenty (20) or twenty-one (21); I've written about him before on this blog as well as the other. He passed on, and at that time I believe I said to myself that I'd never love anyone the way I'd loved him. Then two (2) to three (3) years later I meet "the man of my dreams" and I fumble the entire relationship, partly because of feeling I'd never love anyone the same and the other part being the disappointment I'd experienced in relationships prior to meeting him.

I used to be so intimidated by him, on some level thinking I wasn't "good enough" for him; in that I had been treated as if I were ordinary; for lack of a better word. At some point I felt as if he was able to "see" me, the me I had been hiding behind a "tough girl" exterior. Years later I began to refer to him as "my beautiful nightmare", because the idea of loving him was scary to me yet our sexual chemistry leaves me in a trance at times. I felt like he was a fairytale and somehow something would happen to take him away from me, so I thought I'd keep him at arms length to "protect" my heart. Yet my heart was making me feel these things that was so foreign to me at the time; it had been so long since I'd experienced love that I did not recognize when I felt it. After much therapy and various tarot readings I've healed from the loss of my first love as well as my second (2nd) boyfriend, who loved me, but had too much going on in his life for me to continue a relationship with him. Not long after our breakup I ended up pregnant by someone who did not care for me much; again, we just had decent sex and one night the condom slipped off. After those three (3) relationships I thought I was incapable of love or loving someone.

So for the longest time I kept him in a box, my fantasy man; somehow I feel as if my life is better with him in it. Even if there's no title for what we share. I hesitated to publish "you, me and the Moon" because I was afraid that he'd read my words, without knowing what he would think or if he'd mention anything about it; I feel a way about what I've shared thus far, but I've gotten over the fear because these are the words my heart wants to share and seeing how I actually have words to share in the span of a couple of days versus the past month of writer's block I have chosen to put my art ahead of my fear of what's unknown. Before publishing "you, me and the Moon" I conducted a risk assessment with a friend and thought, "what if he doesn't feel the same?" or "what if he does?" and "if I wanted anything in our dynamic to change?" and since I don't quite have answers to those questions I figured I'd pour it on the page allowing myself the space to express what I've been keeping bottled inside for nearly a month of not writing. 

He sparks something within me that I have yet to understand; fully. It feels like the teenage Me who was authentic, carefree and full of love to share. I hold that back though, afraid to be vulnerable with him, still. I think that may be what intimidates me the most, my own fear of being vulnerable. Although I feel a degree of safety with him, I am not always my authentic self; hiding behind my sexual desires and that aspect of who I am. Perhaps on some level still holding him in that box of fantasy, that is something I would like to do away with. Seeing how I have changed in ways yet reverting to the "old" Me when dealing with him in some ways. However he has changed to his betterment over these past four (4) years apart. I've shared that with him, I like the changes I've seen since we've begun speaking again. My hope is that after I've shared these words I am more comfortable being my authentic self with him, allowing him to see more aspects of who I am versus who I at times present myself to be. It's weird because I don't feel as if I am pretending, since the things I share most with him comes from the fantasy part of who I am, however I don't think I share the real aspects of my heart and mind with him; mostly desires. 

At times, I don't feel as if I am "ready" to do that, then I think of what I want right now and as I spoke with my nail technician recently; I don't want a boyfriend in the traditional sense of the term. I feel as if I may have been single "too long" for what my mind says a "girlfriend" is. I feel as if I would like a companion at times while keeping my space, then I question if that is even true. As of right now I don't think I want anything to change, I am happy! Not thinking or even caring if he is in love with me or not, I know that our situation isn't toxic as I used to settle for and to me that's what counts. The thought of pushing the button to publish made me roll my eyes, only because of the fear of who'll read these words yet I am forcing myself to have the courage to do it anyway. I haven't mentioned that I've published anything, only that I have written which is "what's important"; I am afraid, but focused on being brave in this moment. 

Full of love and in a sense ready to express it yet not knowing how. I've felt this way for many years however I have not fully expressed my love for anyone outside of family and friends which of course is a different type of love altogether. I used to think it was infatuation then realizing it was much more than that, I honestly think what we have is "enough" for now. I remember a time when he'd tell me I was "too much" and I'd think to myself how much I was holding back and questioning what enough was. When I mentioned being "too much" recently his words were comforting and allowed me to re-evaluate when and with whom to share "too much" and when not to. I have yet to discover that balance with him, but I feel as if I can be more of my authentic self with him as I have not been over the years. I don't know what the future holds, I just know that even if things remain the same, I am fine with the way things are. I love the ability to share my fantasies and desires with someone who does the same; I love the support and encouragement to "keep writing" and the beautiful, passionate, at times shocking way that we express ourselves in the nude. 

I believe I will make an effort to check myself when I feel as if I am holding back with him. I want to show my wild side as well as my soft side; both of which I've hidden for a very long time. I don't even know how that is possible, then again, when a person continuously practices hiding it may come as second nature. I believe that's who the "old" Me is, the second nature instincts I've developed to keep myself safe from heartbreak which leads to heartache in my opinion. The crazy thing is, even with holding back and hiding aspects of myself I've experienced heartbreak as well as heartache; so it's clear that holding back and hiding is not serving me to my highest good, so why continue? I'm willing to work on that, it comes easy when I allow my fingers to speak for me on the blog rather than in real life where I'm often quiet. I think the other thing I've noticed is my fear of saying the "wrong" things as I have in the past, with two (2) examples above. I intend to do better; not really focused on only saying the "right" things, but speaking what my heart and mind agree on.

I suppose "time will tell", but if you notice me writing more fantasies on this blog than ever before it is because he's giving me things worth writing about. He inspires me, effortlessly, which also intimidates me. At times I feel as if I have misplaced my creativity when he and I aren't speaking or haven't spoken, even if it's a very short period of time. I'm figuring that out as well, as I spoke in "purple clouds" about my chakra's and meditation on my sacral chakra which deals with sexuality and creativity I can see how those two (2) things are intertwined. I feel as if when I am able to express my sexual side I am more creative and able to write from a space that is true to me. Even though I have a fear of publishing these words, creatively I feel as if I must. Thinking of the times I've held back the full story or been vague or even cryptic, I no longer wish to be that way. I want to be descriptive and forthcoming, things I expected from the creative writing class I've registered for. 

My hope is that I'll improve in my expressions and leave you with insight of who I am and some of my experiences throughout the years. I believe this may be the most open I've been on the blog, at least recently; it's liberating. Letting go of fear and embracing my story so to speak. I listen to music a lot and I find it interesting when the songs play describing my thoughts or emotions in that moment, Pandora (music streaming app) does that a lot! This morning is no different, songs of love and lust streaming through the television, reminding me of my feelings and how I am getting better at discerning what and why I may be feeling a way at any given moment. I believe this expression is a step in that direction, being free to express how and why I've comes to love someone and why things may be the way they are in the present and being happy with the way we've come back together as different people in a sense. Allowing what we have to be what it is and simply enjoying what we share with one another. I could go on, but I think I've shared (more than) enough for now.

Until next time...