the weed made me say it

 "observe the wonders as they occur around you. don't claim them. feel the artistry moving through, and be silent"

Rumi

Days ago I stumbled upon a journal prompt which read "How am I feeling about life at the moment?"; I later revisited the above quote, for a moment I was silent, pondering the quote and the question. I feel as if I have written this before on the blog, however, currently I am enjoying life; I feel as if various areas are in a "good place". When I think of those "various areas", I am thinking mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

I feel so many wonders around me, I attribute them to being blessings therefore can not claim them as my own. I see and feel the artistry moving throughout my being and into the atmosphere, putting me in a space of awe in admiration of God's creations. From the views at the beach to the beautiful Sunsets and various phases of the Moon. 

The music plays and I recall a time when I wanted to learn to play the violin, I have yet to begin that journey. However, I am considering if that is something I really want to try. My latest hobby has been painting; I want to dive a little deeper down that path at the moment. I feel free when I paint, as if I am in another creative space so different from writing. Although I have various spaces to write my thoughts, such as the blogs, twitter, my creative writing journal, etc. I feel different when writing on each outlet. 

As I sit remembering the week that has passed, I smile; thinking of all of the wonderful things that's happened to me and those around me.  I am also reminded of not so good news, I pray that there is peace and some sort of reassurance for the circumstances...

I realize the end of the year is quickly approaching and a new age is on the horizon, I am excited for the new year! I feel as if I've said that for the past few years and each year has been a bit better than the one before. This year I allowed friends and family to celebrate my birthday with me, next year I have plans with friends; some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. The anticipation created excites me, like a child counting down until Christmas. 

As my course is coming to an end with a few weeks break until the next courses begin, I feel excited. I know I've used that word several times in such a short period of time, "excited"; but I don't know how else I'd like to describe how I'm feelings at the moment about these things. It's taken a couple of days to write this and I have yet to think of a title, to be honest I don't even know where this expression is going from here; however as usual I am going to allow my fingers and heart to do the typing and see what comes.

Usually I speak about what I feel as opposed to what I"m thinking, tonight I am not sure if that's going to be any different. I am in a mood, this playlist from a previous radio show I curated is adding "fuel to the fire". I feel as if I want to be touched in a way that makes me feel delighted and wanted, I want to be outside, under the Moonlight with a joint and relax under the stars before a beautiful sexual encounter takes place. I've been in this mood for too long and I don't know when it will end. I feel as if I am yearning for that type of closeness. 

I think my chakras are a bit imbalanced; specifically my Sacral chakra. "according to some traditions, the sacral chakra is linked to pleasure, sexuality and joy", I feel as if this chakra may be blocked because of feelings of anxiety and loneliness according to the article. I want balance yet I feel a bit insatiable at the moment, like I'll have an encounter, but it won't be "enough".  Then I ask myself, "what is enough?" 

I am reminded of the last session with my lover where I climaxed a total of five (5) times! I want to go into detail, but I won't. I'll just say, it was amazing! Yet, that feels like an understatement. What's better than "amazing"? I think of that day often, it arouses me each time it comes to mind. That may have been one of our best times together, there's too many to put into a "top 5", but I'm sure that's in the "top 10" for sure! 

How did we get here? I suppose all the talk of what's exciting me actually got me "excited", the music playing isn't helping since it's from a "hump day" show on Moon Goddess Radio. I will admit I enjoy having people in my life that I can express my sexuality with, all that's missing is a girlfriend. I posted on my twitter the other day, "I'm tired of swiping left... I want a girlfriend already!" I meant that, I think I'm ready to have a woman in my life that I can express the other desires I have that only a woman can fulfill. I've experienced what I'm longing for before and it was beautiful. 

Thoughts of my first experiences with women come to mind, but that's a story for another time. What I will say is, from my experiences, my relationships with women have been much more sensual than with men and I miss that. The caresses, gentle touches, kisses; everything is just so much closer to making love than anything else and I want that. I feel like that's what's missing when I think about how I'm feeling about life at the moment. I have passion with my lover, but I want more than that in this moment. 

I want to have the passion and sensuality at the same time, imagining my lover the both of us has my thoughts racing. Feeling my body respond to the thoughts has me wanting to experience the sensations of it all right now! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it sounds or I imagine it to be. It turns me on to think of... never mind. 

I feel as if I'm making matters worse by writing these things; especially since some of them are out of my control. Not to mention the time it will take to cultivate such a relationship with a woman that I'll feel comfortable being intimate with and introducing her to my lover for a session, or two. Perhaps, as I am writing these things the Universe will put things in place in the new year to make it a reality...

Here's hoping.

Rumi seems to say "be silent" a lot; another quote that comes to mind says "be quiet. find acquaintances with silence. go inside, delve into your heart. take a day off from the clamor."; in my heart there is no doubt that I can manifest my desires. The noise or clamor are the thoughts of how difficult it would be or if it would be as fantastic as my fantasy makes me think it will be.

The fantasy takes place at a swinger's club, I feel as if I would be more comfortable rather than my home or some type of hotel. I feel as if the inhibitions would be at the proper level and I would feel free to explore the evening without worrying about anything that would normally cause me to overthink the adventure. I think that's what I want, an adventure. I'm yearning for something and I feel as if this latest fantasy is what I want. However, I am not sure if I want the woman to be a stranger; I'd feel more comfortable if there were some type of "relationship" in place prior to this happening.

Now I wish my lover were here, yet he's unavailable and I am consumed with thoughts of our encounters; like, the other day in an empty parking lot. The thought "any time, any place" comes to mind as Janet Jackson sings the words in her song of the same title. Or in a park, as I drive though the city I can come across various parks where we've made memories and I smile; in silence as I relive those moments briefly. 

Alien OG has an effect on me; I typically smoke sativa or a hybrid, it's said to have "euphoric" side effects. I feel as if the euphoria has ignited levels of arousal and I am without an outlet to release these urges. Soon, yet soon is not soon enough. This mood has been lingering for about a week now and I feel as if I am going to explode. The song plays and I am entranced with thoughts of love making; wanting, needing to be fulfilled. My body is talking and I'm listening, awaiting the moment I can give her what she longs for; until then I'll just write about it from time to time.

dark as a thousand midnights

His skin is dark as a thousand midnights, chocolate and smooth like velvet. His mind is sharp with quick wit and great imagination; he keeps me wanting to know more with each encounter. When our bodies are intertwined, it's like a thousand midnights; I can't find my way out, and honestly I never want to. 

He kissed my forehead and I melted, wanting the kisses in more places; sensual and kind then messy and intense as they explore my body lower and lower. I can't deny the love I feel when he's near me; I feel like giving him all of me and watching him savor the memory we are making.

There's years of memories in my mind, creating flashbacks at any given moment. Like, the time he made my body explode five (5) times in one session; that was the most recent memory that comes to mind often. With him I want to go to the edge of the Earth and back again; as long as I he is with me. 

I feel like a teenager in love, before the heartbreaks and heartaches; before any jadedness caused by love's lost. There's a hopefulness that enables me to enjoy a playful side of myself that is rarely shown in any other atmosphere. He awakened a space in me years ago where I can experiment in a way that feels safe, secure and free of judgement. 

I am learning to dwell in that space when we are together, although it hasn't come as easy as I would like it to; I feel it expanding with each interlude. The quality of time spent far outweighs the quantity of minutes, hours, days apart; it's as if time lapses and the world is still for as long as we are together.

I am in love. 

I don't know the moment he engulfed my heart, but thoughts of him consume me; filling me up and overflowing with immense desire. The desire to be touched by him, to look deeply into his eyes and hear him say "everything is okay". 

The feeling of safety creates an appetite for spontaneity, passion and the yearning to discard all inhibitions. I feel free; to say and do whatever comes to mind in those moments, "any time, any place" comes to mind. Leaving the bedroom from time to time and enjoying one another in the Sunlight or under the stars.

The idea of being together in obscure places, maybe being seen by passersby or even being heard excites me; he invades my dreams and takes me with so much passion I awake thinking it was reality. At times I rush to sleep just for another rendezvous, laying in bed, watching videos we've shared with one another or staring at photos sent.

Longing for the next time we'll see each other, counting the minutes until he is in my presence; like a lovestruck person in need of what he has for me.

mermaid

While at the beach I took a relaxing nap, allowing the energy from the ocean and the Sun to cleanse my being and provide "grounding"; as I embraced the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. As I awakened, I felt refreshed; I feel so "at home" at the beach. The waves call out to me as if to say "come home", it's the mermaid in me that makes me feel that way. I had thoughts of my lover being there with me, on the lifeguard tower. I believe that thought comes to mind each time I visit the beach. Thoughts of him caressing my skin while looking into my eyes and saying "everything is okay", Although I've known him for quite some time, I am learning to be comfortable around him again; I know it's because I fear being vulnerable with him. 

In the past I used to want to seem perfect to him, now I am more myself; and I feel as if things between he and I are better than they've ever been. Yet, I still have the issue of not necessarily wanting to allow anyone too close to me; I suppose for fear that they'll see my flaws up close. I used to be such a perfectionist, then I taught myself to decide "what is enough?". I realized that being "perfect" was an illusion and to attempt to force myself to be perfect was not only unrealistic, but detrimental to my well-being. Since doing so I feel much more in tune with myself; my wants, needs and desires. I feel as if they are all attainable, whereas before learning that lesson, I felt everything was "out of my reach". Even the goals I'd set for myself, I'd become a workaholic trying to accomplish them to no avail. 

Mainly, I thought the goals I had set for myself were unattainable, yet they were such that society programs you to desire. It wasn't until I let go of societies demands that I began to feel more myself. I experienced an "awakening" approximately July 4, 2012; to use terms from spirituality, I felt as if "a veil had lifted" and I was able to "see" clearly. If memory serves me correctly I was participating in a cleanse at the time. As I type these words, "Closer" by Goapele plays softly in the background and I am reminded of my dreams; I have a thought to go to bed so I can meet my dreams, then realize I can do that awake. Daydreaming has always been a practice I enjoy, having the idea that my thoughts are creating the reality I dream of. Feelings of hopefulness invade my being and I smile. The song changed, but the energy remains; feeling joyful and happy. 

A feeling that's been consistent for quite some time now, being a spiritual person doesn't necessarily mean you're happy or even positive all of the time. That's also something I had to learn, however I realize that there is always something to be happy about and when I find myself being not so positive, I tap into my thoughts and find the source of the thought(s) in order to redirect it, or them. There's a home I'd love to purchase when I win the Powerball, I reviewed the photos again recently to keep it in my subconscious mind. When I am asleep and lucid dream, I imagine myself there, at home. I see how I'd spend the day and walk throughout the home and smoke by the pool or while relaxing in the jacuzzi. 

I love the water, you name it: bath, pool, jacuzzi and/or ocean; not only for the tranquil properties experienced there, but always because I feel like I belong there. I love mermaids, I think the idea of them are so beautiful; I've painted one, and I believe that is my favorite painting I've done. I want to invest in painting supplies, but I often forget until I am in a mood, such as the one I am in now where I want to be creative in a way that is something other than writing. Speaking of writing, I know it's been a while since I last posted an expression on the blog; mainly because I've been so focused on the English course I am in. I realize although I am not working that doesn't diminish the "type A personality" that comes natural to me. However, I don't experience the same level of perfectionism as I used to, allowing the anxiety to flow through me when it arrives and transmute into eagerness, creating a more positive experience when completing assignments.

My next assignment is an author presentation and I must record a video; I will admit, I am nervous. I prefer to be "behind the scenes", however I am forced out of my comfort zone; which is something I expected when registering for this course. I did not know how much out of said comfort zone I would be required to go, but so far I have done well with it. Experiencing anxiety from time to time, but the great thing is I have the time between assignments to allow the anxiety to pass and complete what's due. I don't feel rushed which would increase the level of anxiety I have and possibly cause a bout of depression. I feel centered within myself these days, allowing feelings and emotions to come up and show me areas within myself that may need attention or mindfulness. 

Now back to my presentation, I had a thought to write it out and see what comes; that way if it's good I can read it as if it were a teleprompter. My idea is to record it at the beach, with the ocean as the background; luckily the rain set for the day in which I intended to "shoot" my video is no longer on the forecast. As I sit here I can envision myself speaking the words as I sit on a blanket at the beach while the Sun is at its height of the day. I plan to smoke a joint or two to get me in the right vibe to be personable and enthusiastic. Two traits I don't display openly for some reason, I believe it's back to the issue of vulnerability. As defined, vulnerability is "willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known: willingness to risk being emotionally hurt". When the concept came to mind before it was often accompanied by Murphy's Law which states "everything that can go wrong, will". Then I discovered the reverse (literally), which is Yhprum's Law which says "everything that can go right, will".

I'm beginning to look at vulnerability a bit different, because the latter part about being willing to risk being hurt emotionally and thinking that it will was quite pessimistic and depressing; but the thought that showing emotions and allowing "weaknesses" to be known and things going right can put things in a alternate perspective thus creating a totally different reality. Since beginning that practice of thinking of or saying yhprum's law simply changes the vibration from fear of something going wrong to more positive outcomes in times of vulnerability, for me. The thought comes to mind that I should practice that concept with my lover as well and not just with things such as goals, dreams, hopes and desires. I've begun reciting yhprum's law in my mind as I think of how to do my presentation video; I believe the weather will be nice and my words will flow nicely no matter how many times I'll need to record and re-record.

Being in the flow of things or should I say, being in alignment is beneficial because things seem to come together effortlessly, although other's aren't privy to the effort it actually took to accomplish whatever it is being done. I would love to transcend what seems to be a slight inability to be vulnerable in more areas of my life. I suddenly feel as if being that way no longer serves the highest good of myself or those in my life. This video presentation opened the door to these thoughts, since it requires a level of vulnerability on my part as I am recording myself speaking on a topic I know a little about. Not wanting to show any weakness that will affect the grade I receive, as "petty" as that may seem; yet monumental for a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, workaholic and type A personality. 

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane plays and I am reminded of the refreshing nap I took at the beach recently. I slept for what may have been two (2) hours, fast forward to today; it's my friend's birthday yet he is no longer here to celebrate. He would have been 49 years old today. In the past I would be sad today because of that, but today I am happy to have known him for the years that he was apart of my life. It's truly a treasure to have such friends, where the conversations, feelings and experiences shared are life changing and lasts throughout the years whether they are still around or not. In the time I was away from the blog I also celebrated my Dad's birthday, he would have been 62 years old. I remembered conversations, jokes, dinner's and the like that we shared and smiled or laughed and continued to do so throughout the month of October. I even attended four (4) parties that month, quite far from my comfort zone as I am known to be a "homebody". 

I think to light an incense and allow it to mix with the music and creative energy I feel to take me back to my daydreams. My lover comes to mind again, these aren't daydreams though; more like fantasies. It's nearly 1:30 am and I am no closer to sleep than had it been 1:30 pm; feeling rested from the nap I took yesterday afternoon. I was told recently, for the second time this year that I "lack substance", which I find interesting because I consider myself to dwell in the deep; perhaps I keep some of that to myself however I feel that I share some of that with you. Which was mentioned as well, the sentiment was that I'd "rather share such things with strangers". When I give those statements a bit of thought I asked myself "is that also a vulnerability issue?"; at first glance, I don't think it is because sharing thoughts would not be an emotional risk, or would it?

I suppose it could be a risk if I became emotional regarding the response or reaction to what I choose to share. As I take a chug of water, I realize that may need a little more thought in order to process the idea of sharing thoughts and vulnerability. I don't know where or how I developed this fear, I just know that it is coming up now in order to be attended to and transmuted in a way that is for my highest good. As 2:00 am approaches and I have no idea how this expression will conclude I suppose I'll just say, to be continued...

Until next time,

Kamille