mermaid

While at the beach I took a relaxing nap, allowing the energy from the ocean and the Sun to cleanse my being and provide "grounding"; as I embraced the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. As I awakened, I felt refreshed; I feel so "at home" at the beach. The waves call out to me as if to say "come home", it's the mermaid in me that makes me feel that way. I had thoughts of my lover being there with me, on the lifeguard tower. I believe that thought comes to mind each time I visit the beach. Thoughts of him caressing my skin while looking into my eyes and saying "everything is okay", Although I've known him for quite some time, I am learning to be comfortable around him again; I know it's because I fear being vulnerable with him. 

In the past I used to want to seem perfect to him, now I am more myself; and I feel as if things between he and I are better than they've ever been. Yet, I still have the issue of not necessarily wanting to allow anyone too close to me; I suppose for fear that they'll see my flaws up close. I used to be such a perfectionist, then I taught myself to decide "what is enough?". I realized that being "perfect" was an illusion and to attempt to force myself to be perfect was not only unrealistic, but detrimental to my well-being. Since doing so I feel much more in tune with myself; my wants, needs and desires. I feel as if they are all attainable, whereas before learning that lesson, I felt everything was "out of my reach". Even the goals I'd set for myself, I'd become a workaholic trying to accomplish them to no avail. 

Mainly, I thought the goals I had set for myself were unattainable, yet they were such that society programs you to desire. It wasn't until I let go of societies demands that I began to feel more myself. I experienced an "awakening" approximately July 4, 2012; to use terms from spirituality, I felt as if "a veil had lifted" and I was able to "see" clearly. If memory serves me correctly I was participating in a cleanse at the time. As I type these words, "Closer" by Goapele plays softly in the background and I am reminded of my dreams; I have a thought to go to bed so I can meet my dreams, then realize I can do that awake. Daydreaming has always been a practice I enjoy, having the idea that my thoughts are creating the reality I dream of. Feelings of hopefulness invade my being and I smile. The song changed, but the energy remains; feeling joyful and happy. 

A feeling that's been consistent for quite some time now, being a spiritual person doesn't necessarily mean you're happy or even positive all of the time. That's also something I had to learn, however I realize that there is always something to be happy about and when I find myself being not so positive, I tap into my thoughts and find the source of the thought(s) in order to redirect it, or them. There's a home I'd love to purchase when I win the Powerball, I reviewed the photos again recently to keep it in my subconscious mind. When I am asleep and lucid dream, I imagine myself there, at home. I see how I'd spend the day and walk throughout the home and smoke by the pool or while relaxing in the jacuzzi. 

I love the water, you name it: bath, pool, jacuzzi and/or ocean; not only for the tranquil properties experienced there, but always because I feel like I belong there. I love mermaids, I think the idea of them are so beautiful; I've painted one, and I believe that is my favorite painting I've done. I want to invest in painting supplies, but I often forget until I am in a mood, such as the one I am in now where I want to be creative in a way that is something other than writing. Speaking of writing, I know it's been a while since I last posted an expression on the blog; mainly because I've been so focused on the English course I am in. I realize although I am not working that doesn't diminish the "type A personality" that comes natural to me. However, I don't experience the same level of perfectionism as I used to, allowing the anxiety to flow through me when it arrives and transmute into eagerness, creating a more positive experience when completing assignments.

My next assignment is an author presentation and I must record a video; I will admit, I am nervous. I prefer to be "behind the scenes", however I am forced out of my comfort zone; which is something I expected when registering for this course. I did not know how much out of said comfort zone I would be required to go, but so far I have done well with it. Experiencing anxiety from time to time, but the great thing is I have the time between assignments to allow the anxiety to pass and complete what's due. I don't feel rushed which would increase the level of anxiety I have and possibly cause a bout of depression. I feel centered within myself these days, allowing feelings and emotions to come up and show me areas within myself that may need attention or mindfulness. 

Now back to my presentation, I had a thought to write it out and see what comes; that way if it's good I can read it as if it were a teleprompter. My idea is to record it at the beach, with the ocean as the background; luckily the rain set for the day in which I intended to "shoot" my video is no longer on the forecast. As I sit here I can envision myself speaking the words as I sit on a blanket at the beach while the Sun is at its height of the day. I plan to smoke a joint or two to get me in the right vibe to be personable and enthusiastic. Two traits I don't display openly for some reason, I believe it's back to the issue of vulnerability. As defined, vulnerability is "willingness to show emotion or to allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known: willingness to risk being emotionally hurt". When the concept came to mind before it was often accompanied by Murphy's Law which states "everything that can go wrong, will". Then I discovered the reverse (literally), which is Yhprum's Law which says "everything that can go right, will".

I'm beginning to look at vulnerability a bit different, because the latter part about being willing to risk being hurt emotionally and thinking that it will was quite pessimistic and depressing; but the thought that showing emotions and allowing "weaknesses" to be known and things going right can put things in a alternate perspective thus creating a totally different reality. Since beginning that practice of thinking of or saying yhprum's law simply changes the vibration from fear of something going wrong to more positive outcomes in times of vulnerability, for me. The thought comes to mind that I should practice that concept with my lover as well and not just with things such as goals, dreams, hopes and desires. I've begun reciting yhprum's law in my mind as I think of how to do my presentation video; I believe the weather will be nice and my words will flow nicely no matter how many times I'll need to record and re-record.

Being in the flow of things or should I say, being in alignment is beneficial because things seem to come together effortlessly, although other's aren't privy to the effort it actually took to accomplish whatever it is being done. I would love to transcend what seems to be a slight inability to be vulnerable in more areas of my life. I suddenly feel as if being that way no longer serves the highest good of myself or those in my life. This video presentation opened the door to these thoughts, since it requires a level of vulnerability on my part as I am recording myself speaking on a topic I know a little about. Not wanting to show any weakness that will affect the grade I receive, as "petty" as that may seem; yet monumental for a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, workaholic and type A personality. 

"In A Sentimental Mood" by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane plays and I am reminded of the refreshing nap I took at the beach recently. I slept for what may have been two (2) hours, fast forward to today; it's my friend's birthday yet he is no longer here to celebrate. He would have been 49 years old today. In the past I would be sad today because of that, but today I am happy to have known him for the years that he was apart of my life. It's truly a treasure to have such friends, where the conversations, feelings and experiences shared are life changing and lasts throughout the years whether they are still around or not. In the time I was away from the blog I also celebrated my Dad's birthday, he would have been 62 years old. I remembered conversations, jokes, dinner's and the like that we shared and smiled or laughed and continued to do so throughout the month of October. I even attended four (4) parties that month, quite far from my comfort zone as I am known to be a "homebody". 

I think to light an incense and allow it to mix with the music and creative energy I feel to take me back to my daydreams. My lover comes to mind again, these aren't daydreams though; more like fantasies. It's nearly 1:30 am and I am no closer to sleep than had it been 1:30 pm; feeling rested from the nap I took yesterday afternoon. I was told recently, for the second time this year that I "lack substance", which I find interesting because I consider myself to dwell in the deep; perhaps I keep some of that to myself however I feel that I share some of that with you. Which was mentioned as well, the sentiment was that I'd "rather share such things with strangers". When I give those statements a bit of thought I asked myself "is that also a vulnerability issue?"; at first glance, I don't think it is because sharing thoughts would not be an emotional risk, or would it?

I suppose it could be a risk if I became emotional regarding the response or reaction to what I choose to share. As I take a chug of water, I realize that may need a little more thought in order to process the idea of sharing thoughts and vulnerability. I don't know where or how I developed this fear, I just know that it is coming up now in order to be attended to and transmuted in a way that is for my highest good. As 2:00 am approaches and I have no idea how this expression will conclude I suppose I'll just say, to be continued...

Until next time,

Kamille