the weed made me say it

 "observe the wonders as they occur around you. don't claim them. feel the artistry moving through, and be silent"

Rumi

Days ago I stumbled upon a journal prompt which read "How am I feeling about life at the moment?"; I later revisited the above quote, for a moment I was silent, pondering the quote and the question. I feel as if I have written this before on the blog, however, currently I am enjoying life; I feel as if various areas are in a "good place". When I think of those "various areas", I am thinking mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

I feel so many wonders around me, I attribute them to being blessings therefore can not claim them as my own. I see and feel the artistry moving throughout my being and into the atmosphere, putting me in a space of awe in admiration of God's creations. From the views at the beach to the beautiful Sunsets and various phases of the Moon. 

The music plays and I recall a time when I wanted to learn to play the violin, I have yet to begin that journey. However, I am considering if that is something I really want to try. My latest hobby has been painting; I want to dive a little deeper down that path at the moment. I feel free when I paint, as if I am in another creative space so different from writing. Although I have various spaces to write my thoughts, such as the blogs, twitter, my creative writing journal, etc. I feel different when writing on each outlet. 

As I sit remembering the week that has passed, I smile; thinking of all of the wonderful things that's happened to me and those around me.  I am also reminded of not so good news, I pray that there is peace and some sort of reassurance for the circumstances...

I realize the end of the year is quickly approaching and a new age is on the horizon, I am excited for the new year! I feel as if I've said that for the past few years and each year has been a bit better than the one before. This year I allowed friends and family to celebrate my birthday with me, next year I have plans with friends; some things I've wanted to do for quite some time. The anticipation created excites me, like a child counting down until Christmas. 

As my course is coming to an end with a few weeks break until the next courses begin, I feel excited. I know I've used that word several times in such a short period of time, "excited"; but I don't know how else I'd like to describe how I'm feelings at the moment about these things. It's taken a couple of days to write this and I have yet to think of a title, to be honest I don't even know where this expression is going from here; however as usual I am going to allow my fingers and heart to do the typing and see what comes.

Usually I speak about what I feel as opposed to what I"m thinking, tonight I am not sure if that's going to be any different. I am in a mood, this playlist from a previous radio show I curated is adding "fuel to the fire". I feel as if I want to be touched in a way that makes me feel delighted and wanted, I want to be outside, under the Moonlight with a joint and relax under the stars before a beautiful sexual encounter takes place. I've been in this mood for too long and I don't know when it will end. I feel as if I am yearning for that type of closeness. 

I think my chakras are a bit imbalanced; specifically my Sacral chakra. "according to some traditions, the sacral chakra is linked to pleasure, sexuality and joy", I feel as if this chakra may be blocked because of feelings of anxiety and loneliness according to the article. I want balance yet I feel a bit insatiable at the moment, like I'll have an encounter, but it won't be "enough".  Then I ask myself, "what is enough?" 

I am reminded of the last session with my lover where I climaxed a total of five (5) times! I want to go into detail, but I won't. I'll just say, it was amazing! Yet, that feels like an understatement. What's better than "amazing"? I think of that day often, it arouses me each time it comes to mind. That may have been one of our best times together, there's too many to put into a "top 5", but I'm sure that's in the "top 10" for sure! 

How did we get here? I suppose all the talk of what's exciting me actually got me "excited", the music playing isn't helping since it's from a "hump day" show on Moon Goddess Radio. I will admit I enjoy having people in my life that I can express my sexuality with, all that's missing is a girlfriend. I posted on my twitter the other day, "I'm tired of swiping left... I want a girlfriend already!" I meant that, I think I'm ready to have a woman in my life that I can express the other desires I have that only a woman can fulfill. I've experienced what I'm longing for before and it was beautiful. 

Thoughts of my first experiences with women come to mind, but that's a story for another time. What I will say is, from my experiences, my relationships with women have been much more sensual than with men and I miss that. The caresses, gentle touches, kisses; everything is just so much closer to making love than anything else and I want that. I feel like that's what's missing when I think about how I'm feeling about life at the moment. I have passion with my lover, but I want more than that in this moment. 

I want to have the passion and sensuality at the same time, imagining my lover the both of us has my thoughts racing. Feeling my body respond to the thoughts has me wanting to experience the sensations of it all right now! Unfortunately, it's not as easy as it sounds or I imagine it to be. It turns me on to think of... never mind. 

I feel as if I'm making matters worse by writing these things; especially since some of them are out of my control. Not to mention the time it will take to cultivate such a relationship with a woman that I'll feel comfortable being intimate with and introducing her to my lover for a session, or two. Perhaps, as I am writing these things the Universe will put things in place in the new year to make it a reality...

Here's hoping.

Rumi seems to say "be silent" a lot; another quote that comes to mind says "be quiet. find acquaintances with silence. go inside, delve into your heart. take a day off from the clamor."; in my heart there is no doubt that I can manifest my desires. The noise or clamor are the thoughts of how difficult it would be or if it would be as fantastic as my fantasy makes me think it will be.

The fantasy takes place at a swinger's club, I feel as if I would be more comfortable rather than my home or some type of hotel. I feel as if the inhibitions would be at the proper level and I would feel free to explore the evening without worrying about anything that would normally cause me to overthink the adventure. I think that's what I want, an adventure. I'm yearning for something and I feel as if this latest fantasy is what I want. However, I am not sure if I want the woman to be a stranger; I'd feel more comfortable if there were some type of "relationship" in place prior to this happening.

Now I wish my lover were here, yet he's unavailable and I am consumed with thoughts of our encounters; like, the other day in an empty parking lot. The thought "any time, any place" comes to mind as Janet Jackson sings the words in her song of the same title. Or in a park, as I drive though the city I can come across various parks where we've made memories and I smile; in silence as I relive those moments briefly. 

Alien OG has an effect on me; I typically smoke sativa or a hybrid, it's said to have "euphoric" side effects. I feel as if the euphoria has ignited levels of arousal and I am without an outlet to release these urges. Soon, yet soon is not soon enough. This mood has been lingering for about a week now and I feel as if I am going to explode. The song plays and I am entranced with thoughts of love making; wanting, needing to be fulfilled. My body is talking and I'm listening, awaiting the moment I can give her what she longs for; until then I'll just write about it from time to time.