purpose and pressure

I've been consumed with my course work, preventing me from having the concentration to tap into myself and find the words to share. I've missed you all... I've been fascinated with the latest strain I've tried, Oreoz; good for anxiety, stress and depression, from my experience. It's been a while since I've been able to be creative and I've missed that aspect of myself. Not even writing in my personal journals, just calendars and course work. I began this expression late February/ early March with rarely the time or thoughts to share. After completing Spring semester I had a thought to write something for "fun". So here we are...

Lately, I've been smoking Cereal Milk and the effects have been as described minus the negatives. I believe it's what's inspired me to write recently; unfortunately, I don't know what to say. So much time has passed without being in a creative space, I seem to have forgotten how to tap into in to it. Seeing how my Summer course began and I passed my Spring courses with "good" grades, I decided to "celebrate" with a drink and some Alien OG. Since I took an impromptu break from my meds the cannabis is helping with my moods, for the most part. However, I do intend to begin the regimen soon; each time I've taken a break I know it's too long when I can pinpoint how the medication keeps me "balanced". 

I've found a new strain called "The Oasis", however I have yet to find any information online to share with you. The effects have been good for anxiety, stress, depression and even has some sprinkles of arousal mixed in. Attempting to find the words to share thoughts of my lover enter my mind, however I don't want to share those details in this expression... As you know, well those of you who have been around for a while and some of you may be learning, I make a conscious effort to write from my heart and let the words flow as they may without much editing and no censoring. Which is why I desire to share something else even if I haven't recognized what that is yet.

Listening to music and smoking, tapping into myself for the words to share; where is the inspiration? I seemed to have lost or forgotten what inspires me these days. I took a moment to read the definition of inspire as well as inspiration and the definition confused me a bit because it was far different than what I've always thought it to mean. I am not inspired, even with taking various courses; although I have a goal in mind I am not totally aiming for that. Initially I began taking courses out of boredom, then I felt challenged by the work which made me want to do my best and get the grades I know I could achieve. Each course being more challenging than the last, I want to see how far I can go even if the degree is not the prize for me. The prize for me is to write books, I know that with the knowledge about writing that I am learning I will be a better writer; the issue is what type of books do I want to write?

I read a lot of self-help and "inspirational" style books, I don't know if that's my lane or if I would like to venture off into fiction. I recall years ago beginning the synopsis of a book I had in mind which would be loosely based on various events I'd experienced. I believe I had a title, then I got overwhelmed with the process of developing the story. To be honest that's another reason I'm taking various English courses; to eventually bring that book or another to life. A moment passes as the last sentence ended and I have a thought about purpose, again. What is the purpose of this unwritten book? Which then takes me to the thought of my purpose, as usual. 

I feel pressure, to create something long lasting, even though I have not discovered what that would be. The pressure isn't coming from within so I've ignored it for as long as I could yet it's coming up again and I am addressing it to an extent. Thoughts of failure comes to mind, I won't go into that in this expression, but I am aware that it is a concept that is mixed in with the pressure I feel to be "successful". A lot of what is considered failure and success comes from one's perspective and priorities, I believe. One person's view on success and failure is relative to another person's thoughts or ideas; although the topic is the same the outlook differs from person to person. 

At times I feel as if I've failed myself for not having written a book yet, realizing I don't have a deadline to do so; I ask myself if that is an excuse? Or perhaps I should give myself a (realistic) deadline? The thing is, I am taking steps to shorten the gap between now and a finished product; by taking courses within my craft to better myself. I have books on "How to Write" and such, but it wasn't until my first few assignments that I learned some new things about writing. Then the question enters my mind and I am a bit perplexed because in all these years I've never asked myself, "why do you write?" then "why do you share what you write?" Which takes me right back to purpose...

It's as if that question is ever-present; what is my purpose? 

I don't expect the answer to come to me in this moment, it would be great if it did; but how do you know when something you do is your purpose in life? I don't recall when I realized I am a "good writer"; what I do know is that it was late in life so I never considered it to be my purpose. I've had journals since around the 9th grade, one of the first began in an English class where apart of our participation was that for the first (approximately) 10 minutes of class we'd all write in our journals and at the end of a specified period of time we'd turn them in and the teacher would read and grade them. The teacher I had was a woman, I don't recall her name, but I do recall her giving me feedback or writing comments about my expressions. However, she didn't outright say "You should become a writer" I feel as if she had maybe I would have recognized it earlier causing the shape of my life to be different. Honestly, had someone in my life during my developmental years took an interest in my gifts, talents and interests rather than consistent criticism who knows the choices I would have made. 

Looking back I feel as if I made the best choices I could with the information I had at those times. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20"; knowing what I know now there are a lot of choices I would have done differently. I don't dwell on those thoughts, rather I look for ways to create opportunities for myself with the idea of becoming the Woman I truly know is within me. The past (nearly) 11 years of my life has been a rollercoaster, even with the blogs there's so much I excluded or gave vague references to what I may have been experiencing. The development of Anxiety Disorder and Depression, then discovering being Bipolar absolutely took me by surprise, especially with the complexity of these conditions. 

The music jumps from genre to genre and I am allowing the vibe to allow the words to flow without censorship, which is what I was hoping would happen when I decided to build upon this expression (which has been in the works for months). I completed my assignment for this week, which leaves me with days to fill with whatever my heart desires. I've gone to the beach twice and spent some time with the Moon, two things I love yet have not made time for lately. I will admit, I feel much better the past few days than I have in months. After getting this far in my writing, I like that I was able to get these thoughts out however, I have get to think of a title; I know it's coming I just have to be patient. 

This expression is much longer than I intended yet after months of nothing I suppose it was inevitable. I would like to take the time to acknowledge the drastic increase in readership this past month, even with nothing recent to report until now. Hello, to all of the newbies who are discovering my words as well as those of you who are familiar with my writing. I hope you all are well and safe while the "pandemic" is "over". Some, like myself are still adjusting to the new normal of it all while others have been outside for a while. As the first week of Summer has begun I am excited for what it has to offer, with beach dates; enjoying the outdoors and all that comes with such...

Until next time