a glance in the mirror

"silence is an ocean. speech is a river. when the ocean is searching for you, don't walk into the river. listen to the ocean."

Rumi

I've been staring at a blank screen for days... well, weeks. My Summer course ended (I got an A-) and I intended to write an expression entitled "schools out for Summer" then too much time passed now that Fall Semester is quickly approaching so I thought I let the window close for that, so here I am in the mood to write with nothing to say (that I know of). I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind, but they are so rapid I can barely decipher one from another. I've been paying a little too much attention to what's going on in current events and I find myself battling depression. I push through it as I have a lot of things that depend on me to get them done so I don't have the opportunity to stay in bed and tune out the world as I would like to do on some days. 

Recognizing areas within myself that I feel is poking me for attention I've decided that it is time for me to make some changes for myself. It feels as if I am beginning to understand the bipolar diagnosis I received some years ago. Dealing with mood swings for the past few weeks I feel as if I've finally moved from the awareness stage and into the allowance phase of acceptance. It's as if today I was able to see the bipolar depression within myself and how it presents itself for me. Although I've been having mood swings I internalize them so much so that I am certain only one or two in my circle have noticed. I had plans today, but realized I was in no mood to interact with others so I rescheduled for tomorrow. I haven't been to the beach in quite some time and rarely spent time with the Moon yet I feel grounded in some way. Hopefully I can make it to the beach one day next week, maybe during the New Moon seeing how it is a good time for introspection and meditation. 

I've been rather silent on social media and in real life, focusing on coursework and building certain relationships while letting go of others.  The coursework has been a good distraction from some thoughts and feelings I have been avoiding, however now that I've had a break from college I feel a bit claustrophobic in my own body or mind. I feel as if I need a reset and a recharge, but there's no days off when you're manifesting the life of your dreams. One of my courses begins on Monday and the other in September, I am not announcing that I'm taking a break however please understand if I don't post much. As some of you know the last part of the year can be a bit difficult for me so I tend to meditate a lot and plan for the New Year. 

Last week my nail technician asked me "when are you going to start taking care of yourself?" she went on to say "you take care of everyone else..." all I could say was "you're right", but as the days have gone by her words stuck in my mind. Realizing how much I do for others in my life yet when it comes to myself I'll say things like "I'll do it tomorrow" or dismiss it as if it's not important. I am beginning to understand where this stems from however this is not the outlet for that revelation or perhaps it is just not the time. I considered returning to therapy or have another session with my tarot reader. I find that the past few therapist I've had failed to establish a rapport and although I know it's a "safe space" I don't feel as if I truly am as they have not provided any corrective or constructive criticism. They continue to tell me how "great" I'm doing despite what I'm saying I feel which irritates me. 

Lately, Frosted Cherry Cookies has been a life saver! I feel as if it has been keeping me relaxed, at least on the exterior and allowing me to remain somewhat "cool" and not snappy with those around me. Tomorrow I have plans to take myself to lunch and a few other errands aside from that I must skim through my textbook for next weeks chapters to get a head start. I thought by returning to college I was focusing on myself, I'm realizing I've been nurturing my intellectual aspect of myself while allowing my spiritual and physical to feel a bit abandoned. It seems since the onset of these diagnoses (anxiety, depression and bipolar) there's constantly something being neglected while I give my attention to the "squeaky wheel". Then once that matter is resolved there's a list of others requiring my attention. I miss the days when I was a well-balanced person with nearly everything going well for myself. 

I even asked myself if it were some way possible I could return to "that" person and the answer, unfortunately is "no". I now have conditions which require an overwhelming effort to remain sane, there's no way I can do certain things which will disrupt that. I believe that's where the acceptance comes in, although it makes me a bit angry I must accept that things are vastly different with the inability to return to the way things were therefore I have no choice but to get to a place where I can fully accept the way things have changed and allow myself to meditate and pray about the vision of my future. Since I am enrolled online for my course my professor instructed us to write a paragraph introducing ourselves to one another in the class. One part of the assignment she asked us to share our daydreams (optional) I choose not to acknowledge that part of the assignment. 

Doing a bit of an introspection as well as a quick survey I asked a couple friends to describe my personality, I know that I am a shy person (in person) however I was a little overwhelmed with how shy I come across. Unfortunately it's not something I believe I can improve, partly because I don't want to (to an extent) in addition to the fact that I don't quite know how to overcome my shyness. In this moment I have a thought that I want some writer friends, where I can bounce writing ideas off of one another and provide constructive criticism on our work. Then I remember why that isn't as appealing as it first seemed. The truth is, I don't enjoy reading much of what others choose as topics; from experience in my English courses then I think perhaps It would be a little different when it's for enjoyment rather than coursework. 

I want to begin hiking again, however that is not an activity I would like to do alone and with Covid back on the horizon I am not inclined to do so with strangers. I also want to do a cleanse, I want to detox my body and make some changes to my eating habits which reminds me of how unsafe our food is these days, it's sickening to know that even fruit and vegetables have been contaminated with pesticides, wax, etc... I won't go down that train of thought, but I am disgusted which agitates the bipolar triggers. The fact that many of the "vitamins" aren't even what they say they are and the food is all never mind. A song that I really like came on which is bringing my mood to a better space and it feels "right on time". It feels good to write after so much time has passed, I'm beginning to feel as if I've said enough for now. So until next time, be well.