coming into view

I've been doing a modified version of the master cleanse for a couple weeks, rather than abstaining from food for the entire ten days I've chosen to eat small portions when hungry; such as fruit, salad, soup, etc. This method is working so far concerning eczema however, the weight loss aspect is rather slow since that is not the primary focus. I find myself being elevated much easier and longer lasting than when not focusing so much on my health, wellbeing lifestyle. During various periods of my adulthood I've tuned in totally to one aspect of myself while neglecting others, these days I am actively making a conscious effort to maintain a complete evaluation of my self (mind, body, soul and spirit). 

Last night while admiring the Full Moon, I was in awe to see a "Moonbow" in the night's sky. Interestingly enough, I could not remember the exact reasoning until knowledge from my recent Astronomy course came to mind and I was able to gain another explanation of the occurrence. To my surprise the explanation which captured my thoughts on the matter were quite profound with the astronomical lingo learned and embodied in eight short weeks. Next week will be the final week for the course which consists of one final exam. So far in this course I have a B, which is also something that finds me in amazement seeing how this course is like learning a foreign language. 

Also, yesterday I took a trip to the beach; while there I ate a portion of an edible which "kicked in" right about my date with the Moon. The Moon was full and bright, breathtakingly beautiful. Leaving me consumed with thoughts to share with you all. I was eager to write yet my laptop was at home and "writing" from my phone hasn't been done since the days of old, I wouldn't even know how or where to begin...

A while back I kept seeing a particular book in my reality, looking into it a bit I realized I am not ready to dive deeply into the shadow and subconscious self to engage with this book: "The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness." However, as I sat at the beach, the edible began running its course I then began to think of an age, although I don't recall any memories from that time I do remember thinking of the year and age I was at the time. I smiled and felt a sense of happiness, I began to think "If I could go back to any previous age, which age would I choose?" Usually when I ask myself that question I choose a particular age before I began making poor decisions rather than a time of happiness or contentment. This day however, I chose the era of happiness, a time I do not recollect yet the simple thought of being eleven years old again brought a smile to my face; which is a rare occurrence. 

Going back to the book I was interested in, I thought to find another which would focus on the inner child as opposed to the shadow and subconscious. I began to research a book that resinates with me, but that's going to take some time and effort on my part to find the "perfect" book for me. As I think about that, the thought of giving myself a deadline to acquire such book comes to mind and my response was to find it by the start of the year or my date of birth. The aroma of Purple Runtz fills the air, the same as it did last night. Although today it is mixed with Cherry Punch, combining all of the effects of each strain creating a concoction of happiness, excitement, the tingles and relaxation. I actually awoke today with no pain, as some of you may know I was involved in an auto accident late last year and since I've experienced much pain in my shoulder, neck and back. 

Thankfully, today there is no pain, as I mentioned earlier. As I typed those words the pain began... I believe it is due to both strains being hybrid and I don't know the indica to sativa ratio of each or when combined. I will admit the past few weeks I've felt a lot of depression, on the bright side, I've begun my routine of meds, detoxing, nurturing and being mindful of my wellbeing; leaving me feeling better and in alignment to feel the voice of my eleven year old inner child and her sharing moments of happiness with me. I also admit I am looking forward to hearing what she has to reveal to me about myself. As I discussed this happenstance with a friend I discovered my newfound journey, into my self with the assistance of my eleven year old self. 

I am unsure if I've shared this in public however, many of my close friends and family are aware that I do not remember the majority of my childhood. I can recall bits and pieces, but I do not remember if the issues with my memory began before or after the initial anxiety attack in the year 2012. Nevertheless, here I am. Anxiety disorder, depression, eczema, bipolar disorder, and dyslexia. All due to allowing myself to stay too long in unhealthy environments, unbeknownst to me the environments were dysfunctional because they were so familiar. Having an anxiety attack of that magnitude at the initial onset must have some ramifications. I've never thought of that prior to this moment, causing me to feel as if that may be the reason anxiety for me is so heavy. 

With all of that one thing that stands out and perplexes me, is the knowledge of being dyslexic as a writer. I believe that is the reasoning for being stunned by my grades in the English course I've taken thus far. Actually, my college experience this go-round has been beyond my expectation. My first college experience was filled with outstanding circumstances causing me to "drop out". My first attempt to restart my college journey in the year 2015 was filled with anxiety to the extent I could not attend my courses; dropping out again. This time has been very rewarding as I've only received A and B grades thus far. I've known about dyslexia for some time, but it wasn't until this astronomy course that I finally accepted the self-diagnosis. 

As a writer with dyslexia I find it gratifying to write as well as I do with such an impediment. I am unsure how this information coincides with thoughts of my eleven year old self, but I have a feeling it does to an extent. If I am not mistaken, that was the year my family moved from our home to an apartment, of course I do not recall the details however, I already had a friend or two in the neighborhood and attended honors classes at my new school. I believe that was the year I fully understood that I was "different" from my peers, realizing my thirst for knowledge and ability to write. Although I did not share that with others as I felt it was my sacred space. I still feel that way to an extent yet pushing forward I challenge myself to share on various outlets: such as the blogs and social media. 

Once I find the appropriate book for my inner child journey I will let you all know should you choose to join me. As always I would like to thank you all for your support regarding what I share with you. I also hope you take a moment to spend with the Moon, as it will be Full until this Saturday. Or visit nature and ground as we welcome the blessings of the last quarter of the year. Wishing you all peace and wellness.

Until next time.

Kamille 💗