wistful thinking

 "be silent, only the hands of God can remove the burdens of your heart."

Rumi

It's been nearly two weeks and I did not want to write, it wasn't a case of writer's block; it was more like processing this thing I now call life. I've been told in as much time that I'm not showcasing my usual "positive" outlook, as it seems some around me aren't handling it well that I am not as optimistic as I once was. The reality of my conditions are overwhelming me, I feel as if my heart is burdened and I don't exactly know how to put those burdens in the hands of God. To an extent I feel as if I don't know the lesson I am supposed to be learning in this phase of my life, I won't go into karma because I am not so sure I believe in the concept then to think about what I may or may not "deserve"; the thought leaves my mind as quickly as it entered. What does anyone "deserve"? Nevertheless, here we are and I am faced with tough decisions from every which way; including the decision to shave my head due to the reaction from chemotherapy. My hair was fried into one dreadlock after clumps feel out the week prior. I told myself it was liberating and I've been called "brave", but I feel like it wasn't liberating and I was not brave for doing something I had no choice in. Seeing how my hair was severely damaged there was no choice but to shave it off, I would much rather have kept my beautiful hair; continuing to embrace its natural state of being. Yet, here we are...

I suppose the brave part of it all has been the choice to leave the house without a unit or scarf, which I've done several times since shaving my head. I have yet to shed a tear about any of this, I thought for sure I would cry over my hair, but I didn't to my surprise. After writing about it in the last expression, "where to go from here" I decided not to consult with my doctor's and continue treatment instead. My reasons for continuing are personal however, I am no longer indifferent to receiving treatment and enduring the side effects, I felt as if that is counterproductive to healing and the hope of a good outcome. I never knew how long I'd be here but now I feel that so heavily, none of us know how much time we have here but having an illness, well, illnesses that require effort to overcome makes it clearer that it's the case. This sense of humanity makes me appreciate each day and try to make better decisions rather than doing things out of boredom or instant gratification. I am learning that I do not feel good about myself after doing such; especially the instant gratification part. When doing things out of boredom I realized that it often includes people I don't even like, a year or two ago I recognized that I wasn't actually bored but lonely. Which makes sense as to why I'd spend time with someone whose company I didn't even enjoy completely, loneliness is such a dangerous feeling.

Upon a bit of research I learned something fascinating about loneliness, it seems when the feelings of emptiness engulfs me it may actually be a trauma response to feelings of abandonment or perhaps attempting to find a distraction from the feeling of longing for intimacy or better relationships with others in those moments. I've made a conscience decision to pause before making those reckless decisions out of boredom, with the goal in mind to stop doing such things and engaging with those whose company I do not enjoy. Lately, I find myself making plans then while in the midst of those plans I am asking myself "why am I here?" or "how can I get this to end?" later reminding myself not to put myself in such scenarios anymore. Hoping that the last time was the last time and I've learned from my mistakes not to engage in meaningless encounters because of boredom or loneliness. As the days go by I find it more and more difficult to engage in meaningless or superficial things, I am somewhere between "life is short" and the idea that life is actually long as I find the days dragging on at a snails pace; either way you look at it, the long or short of it is too precious to spend any of it in the presence of mediocre experiences. 

I accept that I have moments where my reality may seem dark or perhaps the word melancholy is a better fit, which would make sense because that would be an accurate description of how I feel these days. Depression is here and I am sitting with it; not forcing it to leave, but allowing myself the freedom to feel the feelings I am experiencing in this stage of my life. It's only human to feel a bit depressed about having such ailments, especially at the age I find myself at. Too young not to fight yet too old to be delusional about the reality of such conditions. True with today's treatment and making good choices, cancer is not the death sentence it used to be. However, there's the element of the unknown that no one has control over that is the deciding factor for when and how this life comes to an end. Which has me anxious to "get my affairs in order" so that whenever it happens things are in the proper place; I've made peace with this as something that is just a matter of fact. I guess I am not supposed to talk like this which is why I'm writing it here and sharing it with you all, as this may actually be the safest space I have to express what I feel and some of the thoughts that have come to mind. Tired of suppressing my feelings and thoughts because those around me may not want to come to terms with the two ways this can go, of course hoping for longevity and the privilege to grow old yet that may not be the way this goes.

It took for me to get sick to truly understand that life is a privilege, at least that's the way I view it. I've always been a bit in awe of the function of life; breathing, having control of one's senses, being in one's "right" mind. I've experienced being "out of" my mind a number of times due to mental health issues so awaking [for the most part] healthy and fully functioning stirs up a level of gratitude and appreciation for me that I try my best not to take for granted. I find that I am no longer searching desperately for my purpose, now I am simply hoping in some way to make a positive impression in the world as something I share may be helpful to someone else along their journey. With depression it's easy to find oneself disinterested in things you used to find passion in, I am in that space these days. So thinking of what my purpose is seems a bit frivolous when thinking of what I could be doing with my time, energy and thoughts. Instead using such to be happy or at least content and allow each moment to have it's moment regardless of the emotion wanting to be expressed, whether happy, sad or somewhere in-between. In this moment I am trying not to downplay or sensationalize my feelings, which is also a conscious effort; allowing myself the liberty to find my true emotions and allow them to flourish as opposed to repressing them.

Remembering that I am choosing to document my journey I know that I would do myself as well as those who care a disservice if I only shared the "good" and not all of what this experience has been thus far. The idea of titling this expression "honesty hour" came to mind, but I've chosen not to; I feel as if that's a little too easy. It took quite a few joints of Cereal Milk for me to feel the way I wanted; at ease, relaxed, in a space of mindfulness. It's been a week and I took a few days off from smoking reefer, I wasn't feeling the desired effects of the brand or perhaps it was the strain, either way the pre-rolls I had weren't doing what I needed them to do. Then to my surprise I found this strain and as expected it is doing what I knew it would do. Lately when asked or even when checking in with myself I have expressed that I feel "okay"; while some feel as if being okay may not be "good enough" of an expression however, I feel as if okay is the best that I can do right now under the circumstances. I've joined a couple support groups on Facebook, I haven't gathered the strength to contribute anything to them as of yet. To know that they are there if/when I need them is reassuring [for now].

I want to cry yet the tears won't fall and I must be okay with that as well; there must be a reason the emotion isn't quite there for the tears to fall. Many people I know have commended me on how well I am handling what I am going through and I will admit, oftentimes I surprise myself. My doctor's often asks, "who's taking care of you?" and as I inform them that I have support yet I am taking care of myself their reactions have been identical and in those moments I am reminded of the "strong, Black, woman" concept and I find myself exhausted. Wishing I could actually "take a break" and live a dream life for a day or a few, so I've begun planning such days for myself. Having days to look forward to has been rewarding, lifting the depression little by little, giving myself hope for something fun or different to engage in aside from errands and appointments. As I get through this I am getting used to the feelings, most of which are familiar yet I feel them so deeply now. Searching my mind for a title for this expression I am glad to be able to share my truth with you all. 

It's been a while since I've listened to my heart, I was prompted to ask what my heart feels and I was aware of the idea I had the other evening when I had a thought that my heart was broken. The thought came to mind that "God broke my heart" and initially I wasn't going to share that with you all, I felt as if I've been faithful in prayer, meditation, affirmations, and such yet I have had to endure so many hardships in this life that I felt as if at times I was having the Job experience. As if I am constantly being "tested" to show my faith, hopes and desires with life's foot on my neck every step of the way and I am tried. Tired of enduring things, at this point as ridiculous as it may sound I would like a soft life; [wishful thinking] I'd win the lottery and devote my time and energy not only to facing my health needs head on, but I would also find ways to contribute to the advancement of fighting these conditions as well as raise awareness and especially assist within various communities I identify with to advocate for prevention, etc. I suppose I can begin now and I intend to, but the financial assistance is also necessary in fighting such conditions and raising awareness. I want to be able to make substantial donations where necessary. In the meantime, I suppose I will find organizations where my help can be useful.

As I find a way to conclude this expression, think of a title and decide when to publish I am reminded of the five grams of pot I've smoked and realize I have gotten so relaxed that I am a little sleepy. Interestingly enough the "word of the day" is wistfully which feels to be in alignment with what I've been sharing thus far which matches perfectly for how this expression has come together. I suppose I'll take this time to remind myself of how "good" life is instead of having a pity party about the hand I've been dealt I would rather hold my head high and endure this phase of my journey as I look forward to being on the other side of this and being empowered by how far I've come. I recently learned of the concept of romanticizing life, as a hopeful romantic I asked myself "why not?". Not in a delusional way of romanticizing bullshit, but being more intentional in my daily way of embracing a life of self-care and self-love as a way of being rather than something to aspire to or do once I find myself burnt out from being so strong all day; every day. I've given myself permission to be soft with myself, not always strong, not always super positive or weird in a way of not having appropriate human emotions to bleak circumstances.    

So as this month comes to an end, I've given thought to beginning April 1st to embrace a soft, romantic life filled with quality, fun, excitement and the truth about how I feel and what I think. I intend to work on my boundaries as well as speaking my truth rather than suppressing and repressing what I am feeling and thinking. Living in the moment however, making sound decisions that I will not regret in the future. No more settling for less than what I want or overcompensating for other peoples feelings at the expense of my own. I am working on balance in my life; finding a way to be my authentic self yet not ruffle any feathers has been a contradiction and does not serve me or anyone I find myself in that position with. I am learning that there are some inner child aspects of healing that I should focus on when it comes to abandonment issue and the like. Needless to say I have some work to do and I am looking forward to the growth that comes along with this particular portion of the journey I find myself on. 

where to go from here

I've decided to cut my hair and begin wearing my unit until I figure out the next steps. It took a few days to accept the loss of my hair, and a whole lot of reefer; Peaches and Cream to be exact to make the decision to move forward rather than wallow in the grief of what is becoming my life. I recall many Moon's ago, when I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder; I made it clear to myself that I did not want to have a tub of medications for various ailments, one creating the need for the other due to side effects and such. Although I don't remember much of my childhood, I do remember witnessing or maybe observing that lifestyle and I knew at a young age that I wanted no parts of it. Now I find myself with major illness, faced with the question of how to or where to go from here and I am scared. Scared of making poor decisions concerning my mortality and quality of life. 

Since I am scheduled for treatment this coming week I figure I would speak with my doctor and figure out how to proceed after this treatment. I've already begun loosing my hair so that should not be my reason for discontinuing treatment. I have yet to access the condition of my hair, once it fell out for the third day I just pinned it up and said I'd leave it for my beautician to deal with. It's been this way since Wednesday, that is until a good friend sent a gift to make things more presentable, allowing me to leave the house for various essentials. I am grateful for my support system of friends who have been here for me and willing to step out of their comfort zone and into a very caring, supportive role while being extremely thoughtful throughout this ordeal. Lending a listening ear without judgement, sending gifts, offering words of insight and/or wisdom as well as prayers along the way have all been quite helpful as a lot of days have been on the bad side rather than good.

In real life I keep a lot of what I'm going through to myself because it seems as if many of those around me can't quite handle me being "sick" or needing days to rest. Perhaps they are used to the "strong, independent Woman" they see me to be; that Woman is exhausted. On one hand I think perhaps that's what got me into this mess (regarding my health), then I remember those years of poor choices and bad decisions. Who knows why the choices I made manifested these conditions whereas many others have lived on the same diet, lack of exercise and smoking without seeing the negative impact yet others have no such luck. While making those poor decisions I thought of the possible outcomes and arrogantly considered I'd be one of those people who eat poorly, smoke a lot and live to be 105 or something. Unfortunately, that isn't my story at least it doesn't seem to be at this stage of the game. Each day I am awakened it now takes a while to recognize how I feel, taking a long time to find the mindset of positive thinking, manifestation and the like. 

Interestingly enough I have been practicing prayer for a very long time, later adding meditation, affirmations and the philosophy of positive thinking. Being conscience of the words I speak and write, sending well wishes in various scenarios, etc. Not saying "I don't deserve" to be sick, because life happens to us all; some would say this stop on the path of my journey was predestined, I don't know if I believe that. In my years of life as I've transitioned from a girl to a woman I've learned to leave God's business to God and once I say my prayer in faith to leave it to be done. Many people have proclaimed how "you got this" and I am praying each day for the strength, courage and sanity to do just that; you know, "beat cancer's ass". I know people may think that is what a person in this situation wants to hear and perhaps some do; unfortunately I am not one of those people. I do question at times the knowledge of spiritual information like, feeling in alignment or seeing angel numbers and such then finding yourself with such life altering ailments at such a young(ish) age.

I have plans to visit the beach soon as I am also anticipating the beauty of the Full Moon in the week's to come. I did some "grounding" the last time I was there; the sound of the waves with the sensation of the sand engulfing my feet as I sat at the beach, visualizing a life so different from the one I find myself living. I envision a soft life, in a realm of my dreams or perhaps my next lifetime; where I pray I hold onto the lessons learned thus far along with the wisdom and knowledge of how to do life better next time. I don't know enough about reincarnation to believe in it or not, but in some aspect I do believe that the soul is immortal so once we leave our bodies the soul moves on; maybe experiencing the womb and birthing process all over again. So, maybe I do believe in reincarnation in the simplest way I can imagine. I often request that my next life isn't as hard as this one has been. 

I am not requesting a life without challenges, we all have things in our lives that challenge us in ways only a particular path could; and overcoming those challenges often leads to wisdom, strength and/or a level of courage that is earned by coming though whatever the struggle was. I believe when I'm on the other side of cancer: after chemotherapy, radiation and surgery I will be a different person. I see glimpses of her some days, she's more "no nonsense" than I used to be; I used to be so laid back where everything was "okay" or going with the flow now I recognize some things I no longer want in my life and other areas where I should tighten up my boundaries. I heard somewhere this past week someone said "I don't want anything that doesn't want me" and I felt that in a way that caused me to re-evaluate things that I've been avoiding for some time.

For example: I don't want to continue with chemotherapy and I am unsure about how I feel about radiation however, would it be in my best interest to continue with this treatment plan [in an attempt to reduce the chances of growing cancer cells in the future]? Then I question whether the treatment will be as effective since it is an experience I do not want to have so my energy may be indifferent. How does the energy I bring to the situation help or harm me in this predicament? With the false sense of ease with the initial treatment followed by pain, hair loss and other side effects I will hope for a better outcome with the second treatment as this time I know of some preventative measures which should prevent the pain I experienced the other week. Unexpectedly, I have a flash of a film; "Fight Club" and I am remembering parts of the support group storyline and I feel alone. I have yet to attend the support group for breast cancer and I am unsure if I will (virtually or in person). I don't know how I would truly benefit from that experience as it was not helpful when attempting to visit support groups for bipolar or anxiety disorder.

I am visualizing a lot these days, finding more detail in how I'd like to spend my time. I intend to visit the beach more, spend more time with the Moon, have more adventures and speak the words I hold in. The feeling of being repressed is a different type of frustration, wanting to say words yet not having the words to say is a special type of writer's block that nothing in a book can prepare you for. I've been holding things in for a few days with a few people and I am weighing if I am being petty by not saying anything or if it's maturity in not saying things in a rush to prevent saying the wrong things. Giving time and space the opportunity to figure out the best words to share for an experience that's for the highest good to all involved. I know it may seem very disingenuous but in my heart and mind I've learned to pray for the best outcome for everyone, not solely how I want things to go. I used to be such a brat and selfish or perhaps self-centered. I've outgrown the antics of being that way even when it pops up on occasion.

I think I need a few more days to myself; with the beach, the Moon, a few loved ones, a lot of prayer, meditation and hopefully the tears that so longingly want to flow down my face, but won't for some reason. On Wednesday I was on the verge of tears the entire day; I nearly forgot about that until I asked myself as I typed those words, what do I want for the coming week? I want to find the space within where the tears will fall and each will release a story that I am holding onto that is no longer serving me. I want to shed the tears of the life I've lived thus far and release the ideas of how I thought things should have gone as opposed to facing the reality of the hand I've been dealt and playing it to the best of my ability. I believe I've done that to an extent, however, when I am being honest with myself I know there were times when I could have made a better decision had I researched or asked more questions or took a risk rather than play it safe. Those are the decisions I regret, causing me to ask myself for forgiveness and the ability to move forward without dwelling on those things.

I've been bracing myself for a truthful conversation with myself about the amount of reefer I consume. In lieu of smoking cigarettes I notice I've been smoking a lot more reefer, at times to combat stress and frustration and other times to settle side effects of cancer and chemotherapy. Nonetheless, I need to pull back a little [as I contemplate sparking another infused preroll]... upon opening the container I am pleasantly surprised to find two when I thought it was the last of this batch. It's early in the day and 4:20 a.m. just passed reminding me that I should honor the tradition of 4:20 and smoke this joint! Which also reminds me of the cannabis oil I've been holding onto and often slip my mind that I still have; it's time to make more hot beverages infused with cannabis oil. The only thing I dislike about these particular infused joints is how fast they burn, not allowing to type as I smoke without watching the joint burn up. Inhaling the smoke along with the lyrics of the music and the vibe I've created for myself puts me in a state of being that is relaxed yet full of thoughts and questions. 

I took to a couple of my social media outlets and wrote: "this would be the perfect time for me to hit the lottery..."  I then think of the good I could do for others and the thought of the quality of life I could create for myself almost brings those tears back to the surface. Then the song changes and my thoughts began to scatter a bit, it's Pink Floyd and I feel like I'm on a psychedelic ride into my dreams. The number of times I've dreamt about winning the lottery and going through the emotions of having won has caused me to question manifestation and what I am missing as I feel as if I should have manifested the jackpot by now. Half serious, I do wonder what element is causing this not to come true for me as of yet. It's interesting how some people say things like "God gives 'his' toughest battles to 'his' strongest soldiers" and it's always said at a time of adversity; I'd like to show the tough battle of maintaining wealth after winning the lottery. I'd rather that "battle" than the one I find myself "fighting".

It's 5 a.m. and I'm somewhere between hungry and sleepy when the thought of smoking another joint comes to mind while I am still feeling the effects of the last joint I smoked not too long ago. I've decided to take a nap and resume this expression when I awaken... 

it's only the beginning

The day after my first chemotherapy session went surprisingly well, that was until the time released medication hit me and I forgot the instructions to pre-medicate; causing me to have excruciating pain in my lower body. I've never experienced the sensation of my bones hurting! Then by the time I thought that would end I began to feel pains similar to an epidural at which point I contacted triage and they reminded me of the step I missed. Since incorporating that forgotten step I've been feeling better, with no pain.  Those days of pain were so uncomfortable I could not express it on the blogs, I just had to suffer through it until I was aware of my misstep and able to correct it. Needless to I have yet to join the gym...

I've been bored a lot lately, especially since withdrawing from my Spring courses. For me these days my main interest is my health… I have the same interests it’s just that I hate going everywhere alone. Now that I have to deal with cancer, my mortality is on my mind a lot and I no longer want to wait on anything that I can do for myself to bring me peace, happiness or fun. I’m just going to start doing more of what I want when I can. As the idea of doing that creates images in my imagination, I can tell the expression on my face is less than happy. I recall attending a concert with myself and although I was glad to be there, it just wasn't as fun as I had imagined it to be. True, I was able to experience it with a different perspective as I was by myself; I guess the element of bonding or some aspect of that was missing making the concert less enjoyable than had I gone with someone else or a group of others. 

The idea of going to a spa came to mind the other day and I reached out to a friend to join me, we've made plans to visit the spa plenty of times however, for various reasons it has yet to happen. So I've already prepared myself to go alone if it comes to that. The spa I've been looking into also has a paint and sip so I may explore that as well. As a bit of time passed I realize I don't want to do all of these things alone. Spending the majority of my life alone, I thought I had grown used to being my own social circle; there was a time when I was happy that way. These past couple of years I've longed for something different, not necessarily a relationship, more so companionship of sorts to experience various adventures, dining out or staying in playing cards and such. When I write those things I am reminded of a friend who I did those things with on a regular basis however, she is no longer with us. 

Perhaps it wasn't until this moment where I am truly missing my friend. She passed last August of I suppose natural causes; suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a deciding factor in me choosing to take my health more seriously, which has been a life changing path I've found myself on. Since stopping cigarettes, I've noticed I've also stopped drinking alcoholic beverages.  I've also find that my taste buds have changed and good food is hard to find. Eating used to be a slight pleasure even considering myself a "foodie" at some point, lately food has been too salty or overcooked; leaving much to be desired. Lastly, my hair has begun to come out, which has me devastated. For three days I watched as clumps of hair came out of my head, causing me to leave it pinned until my beautician returns next week. I don't want to look at my hair or deal with it myself as I don't know how much will continue to come out and what my reaction will be to the end result. 

I reached a point where I am considering stopping treatment, not solely because I've begun losing my hair; but in thinking of my quality of life going forward. Like, what good is a longer life expectancy when it's filled with doctor appointments, medications and other draining aspects of being "sick"? Then there's the chance the cancer can return... well that's possible either way in addition to the news that I am advised to have another surgery as there are precancerous cells elsewhere which will need to be dealt with. Initially it was understood that I would deal with that once I completed this round of treatment. This is a tough decision to make and it may take some time, especially since I have another treatment next week. 

In the very near future I intend to join the gym and possibly get a box subscription to cook at home more. By focusing on my quality of life I feel as if that will direct me into more adventures and better self-care and self-love as opposed to focusing on being sick and the effects I'm feeling because of it. I suppose it may sound to some as if I'm "giving up", but what exactly is giving up? Not continuing treatment is not the same as a death sentence these days, chemotherapy isn't the only way; depending on the outcome a person wants in the long run. We give things importance and we decide the level of importance those things have in our lives. Also giving the ability to choose what we want for ourselves even when others don't quite understand them. 

I often ask myself if the life I'm living is the life I want to "fight" for and the answer is no. The life I am living doesn't seem worth fighting for as it's full of appointments, errands and boredom. I have yet to learn my purpose and I feel as if I have yet to do anything impactful to contribute to society in any significant way. Then the thought "who's to say what fighting looks like?" as I am aware that it looks different for everyone finding themselves "battling" cancer. For me, the fight may be living life to the fullest with or without continuing treatment until the end; whenever that is.