it's only the beginning

The day after my first chemotherapy session went surprisingly well, that was until the time released medication hit me and I forgot the instructions to pre-medicate; causing me to have excruciating pain in my lower body. I've never experienced the sensation of my bones hurting! Then by the time I thought that would end I began to feel pains similar to an epidural at which point I contacted triage and they reminded me of the step I missed. Since incorporating that forgotten step I've been feeling better, with no pain.  Those days of pain were so uncomfortable I could not express it on the blogs, I just had to suffer through it until I was aware of my misstep and able to correct it. Needless to I have yet to join the gym...

I've been bored a lot lately, especially since withdrawing from my Spring courses. For me these days my main interest is my health… I have the same interests it’s just that I hate going everywhere alone. Now that I have to deal with cancer, my mortality is on my mind a lot and I no longer want to wait on anything that I can do for myself to bring me peace, happiness or fun. I’m just going to start doing more of what I want when I can. As the idea of doing that creates images in my imagination, I can tell the expression on my face is less than happy. I recall attending a concert with myself and although I was glad to be there, it just wasn't as fun as I had imagined it to be. True, I was able to experience it with a different perspective as I was by myself; I guess the element of bonding or some aspect of that was missing making the concert less enjoyable than had I gone with someone else or a group of others. 

The idea of going to a spa came to mind the other day and I reached out to a friend to join me, we've made plans to visit the spa plenty of times however, for various reasons it has yet to happen. So I've already prepared myself to go alone if it comes to that. The spa I've been looking into also has a paint and sip so I may explore that as well. As a bit of time passed I realize I don't want to do all of these things alone. Spending the majority of my life alone, I thought I had grown used to being my own social circle; there was a time when I was happy that way. These past couple of years I've longed for something different, not necessarily a relationship, more so companionship of sorts to experience various adventures, dining out or staying in playing cards and such. When I write those things I am reminded of a friend who I did those things with on a regular basis however, she is no longer with us. 

Perhaps it wasn't until this moment where I am truly missing my friend. She passed last August of I suppose natural causes; suddenly and unexpectedly. She was a deciding factor in me choosing to take my health more seriously, which has been a life changing path I've found myself on. Since stopping cigarettes, I've noticed I've also stopped drinking alcoholic beverages.  I've also find that my taste buds have changed and good food is hard to find. Eating used to be a slight pleasure even considering myself a "foodie" at some point, lately food has been too salty or overcooked; leaving much to be desired. Lastly, my hair has begun to come out, which has me devastated. For three days I watched as clumps of hair came out of my head, causing me to leave it pinned until my beautician returns next week. I don't want to look at my hair or deal with it myself as I don't know how much will continue to come out and what my reaction will be to the end result. 

I reached a point where I am considering stopping treatment, not solely because I've begun losing my hair; but in thinking of my quality of life going forward. Like, what good is a longer life expectancy when it's filled with doctor appointments, medications and other draining aspects of being "sick"? Then there's the chance the cancer can return... well that's possible either way in addition to the news that I am advised to have another surgery as there are precancerous cells elsewhere which will need to be dealt with. Initially it was understood that I would deal with that once I completed this round of treatment. This is a tough decision to make and it may take some time, especially since I have another treatment next week. 

In the very near future I intend to join the gym and possibly get a box subscription to cook at home more. By focusing on my quality of life I feel as if that will direct me into more adventures and better self-care and self-love as opposed to focusing on being sick and the effects I'm feeling because of it. I suppose it may sound to some as if I'm "giving up", but what exactly is giving up? Not continuing treatment is not the same as a death sentence these days, chemotherapy isn't the only way; depending on the outcome a person wants in the long run. We give things importance and we decide the level of importance those things have in our lives. Also giving the ability to choose what we want for ourselves even when others don't quite understand them. 

I often ask myself if the life I'm living is the life I want to "fight" for and the answer is no. The life I am living doesn't seem worth fighting for as it's full of appointments, errands and boredom. I have yet to learn my purpose and I feel as if I have yet to do anything impactful to contribute to society in any significant way. Then the thought "who's to say what fighting looks like?" as I am aware that it looks different for everyone finding themselves "battling" cancer. For me, the fight may be living life to the fullest with or without continuing treatment until the end; whenever that is.