wistful thinking

 "be silent, only the hands of God can remove the burdens of your heart."

Rumi

It's been nearly two weeks and I did not want to write, it wasn't a case of writer's block; it was more like processing this thing I now call life. I've been told in as much time that I'm not showcasing my usual "positive" outlook, as it seems some around me aren't handling it well that I am not as optimistic as I once was. The reality of my conditions are overwhelming me, I feel as if my heart is burdened and I don't exactly know how to put those burdens in the hands of God. To an extent I feel as if I don't know the lesson I am supposed to be learning in this phase of my life, I won't go into karma because I am not so sure I believe in the concept then to think about what I may or may not "deserve"; the thought leaves my mind as quickly as it entered. What does anyone "deserve"? Nevertheless, here we are and I am faced with tough decisions from every which way; including the decision to shave my head due to the reaction from chemotherapy. My hair was fried into one dreadlock after clumps feel out the week prior. I told myself it was liberating and I've been called "brave", but I feel like it wasn't liberating and I was not brave for doing something I had no choice in. Seeing how my hair was severely damaged there was no choice but to shave it off, I would much rather have kept my beautiful hair; continuing to embrace its natural state of being. Yet, here we are...

I suppose the brave part of it all has been the choice to leave the house without a unit or scarf, which I've done several times since shaving my head. I have yet to shed a tear about any of this, I thought for sure I would cry over my hair, but I didn't to my surprise. After writing about it in the last expression, "where to go from here" I decided not to consult with my doctor's and continue treatment instead. My reasons for continuing are personal however, I am no longer indifferent to receiving treatment and enduring the side effects, I felt as if that is counterproductive to healing and the hope of a good outcome. I never knew how long I'd be here but now I feel that so heavily, none of us know how much time we have here but having an illness, well, illnesses that require effort to overcome makes it clearer that it's the case. This sense of humanity makes me appreciate each day and try to make better decisions rather than doing things out of boredom or instant gratification. I am learning that I do not feel good about myself after doing such; especially the instant gratification part. When doing things out of boredom I realized that it often includes people I don't even like, a year or two ago I recognized that I wasn't actually bored but lonely. Which makes sense as to why I'd spend time with someone whose company I didn't even enjoy completely, loneliness is such a dangerous feeling.

Upon a bit of research I learned something fascinating about loneliness, it seems when the feelings of emptiness engulfs me it may actually be a trauma response to feelings of abandonment or perhaps attempting to find a distraction from the feeling of longing for intimacy or better relationships with others in those moments. I've made a conscience decision to pause before making those reckless decisions out of boredom, with the goal in mind to stop doing such things and engaging with those whose company I do not enjoy. Lately, I find myself making plans then while in the midst of those plans I am asking myself "why am I here?" or "how can I get this to end?" later reminding myself not to put myself in such scenarios anymore. Hoping that the last time was the last time and I've learned from my mistakes not to engage in meaningless encounters because of boredom or loneliness. As the days go by I find it more and more difficult to engage in meaningless or superficial things, I am somewhere between "life is short" and the idea that life is actually long as I find the days dragging on at a snails pace; either way you look at it, the long or short of it is too precious to spend any of it in the presence of mediocre experiences. 

I accept that I have moments where my reality may seem dark or perhaps the word melancholy is a better fit, which would make sense because that would be an accurate description of how I feel these days. Depression is here and I am sitting with it; not forcing it to leave, but allowing myself the freedom to feel the feelings I am experiencing in this stage of my life. It's only human to feel a bit depressed about having such ailments, especially at the age I find myself at. Too young not to fight yet too old to be delusional about the reality of such conditions. True with today's treatment and making good choices, cancer is not the death sentence it used to be. However, there's the element of the unknown that no one has control over that is the deciding factor for when and how this life comes to an end. Which has me anxious to "get my affairs in order" so that whenever it happens things are in the proper place; I've made peace with this as something that is just a matter of fact. I guess I am not supposed to talk like this which is why I'm writing it here and sharing it with you all, as this may actually be the safest space I have to express what I feel and some of the thoughts that have come to mind. Tired of suppressing my feelings and thoughts because those around me may not want to come to terms with the two ways this can go, of course hoping for longevity and the privilege to grow old yet that may not be the way this goes.

It took for me to get sick to truly understand that life is a privilege, at least that's the way I view it. I've always been a bit in awe of the function of life; breathing, having control of one's senses, being in one's "right" mind. I've experienced being "out of" my mind a number of times due to mental health issues so awaking [for the most part] healthy and fully functioning stirs up a level of gratitude and appreciation for me that I try my best not to take for granted. I find that I am no longer searching desperately for my purpose, now I am simply hoping in some way to make a positive impression in the world as something I share may be helpful to someone else along their journey. With depression it's easy to find oneself disinterested in things you used to find passion in, I am in that space these days. So thinking of what my purpose is seems a bit frivolous when thinking of what I could be doing with my time, energy and thoughts. Instead using such to be happy or at least content and allow each moment to have it's moment regardless of the emotion wanting to be expressed, whether happy, sad or somewhere in-between. In this moment I am trying not to downplay or sensationalize my feelings, which is also a conscious effort; allowing myself the liberty to find my true emotions and allow them to flourish as opposed to repressing them.

Remembering that I am choosing to document my journey I know that I would do myself as well as those who care a disservice if I only shared the "good" and not all of what this experience has been thus far. The idea of titling this expression "honesty hour" came to mind, but I've chosen not to; I feel as if that's a little too easy. It took quite a few joints of Cereal Milk for me to feel the way I wanted; at ease, relaxed, in a space of mindfulness. It's been a week and I took a few days off from smoking reefer, I wasn't feeling the desired effects of the brand or perhaps it was the strain, either way the pre-rolls I had weren't doing what I needed them to do. Then to my surprise I found this strain and as expected it is doing what I knew it would do. Lately when asked or even when checking in with myself I have expressed that I feel "okay"; while some feel as if being okay may not be "good enough" of an expression however, I feel as if okay is the best that I can do right now under the circumstances. I've joined a couple support groups on Facebook, I haven't gathered the strength to contribute anything to them as of yet. To know that they are there if/when I need them is reassuring [for now].

I want to cry yet the tears won't fall and I must be okay with that as well; there must be a reason the emotion isn't quite there for the tears to fall. Many people I know have commended me on how well I am handling what I am going through and I will admit, oftentimes I surprise myself. My doctor's often asks, "who's taking care of you?" and as I inform them that I have support yet I am taking care of myself their reactions have been identical and in those moments I am reminded of the "strong, Black, woman" concept and I find myself exhausted. Wishing I could actually "take a break" and live a dream life for a day or a few, so I've begun planning such days for myself. Having days to look forward to has been rewarding, lifting the depression little by little, giving myself hope for something fun or different to engage in aside from errands and appointments. As I get through this I am getting used to the feelings, most of which are familiar yet I feel them so deeply now. Searching my mind for a title for this expression I am glad to be able to share my truth with you all. 

It's been a while since I've listened to my heart, I was prompted to ask what my heart feels and I was aware of the idea I had the other evening when I had a thought that my heart was broken. The thought came to mind that "God broke my heart" and initially I wasn't going to share that with you all, I felt as if I've been faithful in prayer, meditation, affirmations, and such yet I have had to endure so many hardships in this life that I felt as if at times I was having the Job experience. As if I am constantly being "tested" to show my faith, hopes and desires with life's foot on my neck every step of the way and I am tried. Tired of enduring things, at this point as ridiculous as it may sound I would like a soft life; [wishful thinking] I'd win the lottery and devote my time and energy not only to facing my health needs head on, but I would also find ways to contribute to the advancement of fighting these conditions as well as raise awareness and especially assist within various communities I identify with to advocate for prevention, etc. I suppose I can begin now and I intend to, but the financial assistance is also necessary in fighting such conditions and raising awareness. I want to be able to make substantial donations where necessary. In the meantime, I suppose I will find organizations where my help can be useful.

As I find a way to conclude this expression, think of a title and decide when to publish I am reminded of the five grams of pot I've smoked and realize I have gotten so relaxed that I am a little sleepy. Interestingly enough the "word of the day" is wistfully which feels to be in alignment with what I've been sharing thus far which matches perfectly for how this expression has come together. I suppose I'll take this time to remind myself of how "good" life is instead of having a pity party about the hand I've been dealt I would rather hold my head high and endure this phase of my journey as I look forward to being on the other side of this and being empowered by how far I've come. I recently learned of the concept of romanticizing life, as a hopeful romantic I asked myself "why not?". Not in a delusional way of romanticizing bullshit, but being more intentional in my daily way of embracing a life of self-care and self-love as a way of being rather than something to aspire to or do once I find myself burnt out from being so strong all day; every day. I've given myself permission to be soft with myself, not always strong, not always super positive or weird in a way of not having appropriate human emotions to bleak circumstances.    

So as this month comes to an end, I've given thought to beginning April 1st to embrace a soft, romantic life filled with quality, fun, excitement and the truth about how I feel and what I think. I intend to work on my boundaries as well as speaking my truth rather than suppressing and repressing what I am feeling and thinking. Living in the moment however, making sound decisions that I will not regret in the future. No more settling for less than what I want or overcompensating for other peoples feelings at the expense of my own. I am working on balance in my life; finding a way to be my authentic self yet not ruffle any feathers has been a contradiction and does not serve me or anyone I find myself in that position with. I am learning that there are some inner child aspects of healing that I should focus on when it comes to abandonment issue and the like. Needless to say I have some work to do and I am looking forward to the growth that comes along with this particular portion of the journey I find myself on.